satire – Page 5 – Lee Duigon

Libs Support ‘Right’ to Cannibalism

leeduigon(patty)August 4, 2021

The Day The Earth Stood Still High Resolution Stock Photography and Images - Alamy

AUG. 4, 2025 (ROTO-ROOTERS)

“Extraterrestrial cannibals have rights, too!” declares Moe Badger, the executive director of the American Crazy Loons Union. “We have to be more culturally sensitive!”

When UFOs from a galaxy far, far away landed in Barsoom County, Ohio, in 2022 and deposited extraterrestrial settlers there, “it was tacitly understood that they would obey America’s laws,” Prosecutor Finrod Skelter said. “But that’s not what’s been happening.”

News broke last week that the ETs have been abducting human beings and eating them. Cannibalism is against the law in Ohio; but for the ETs, it’s just an indispensable part of their culture. And it isn’t even really cannibalism, says the ACLU, “because these ETs ain’t human. Heck, it’s just like being eaten by a lion or a bear.”

The Ohio legislature moved quickly to propose legislation banning the practice, but Democrat legislators have opposed it and threatened to flee the state if the proposed law is not immediately scrapped.

“We have to be welcoming and affirming to all cultures, even if they come from other planets,” said State Senator Elvira Pincushion. “Who are we to order them to abandon their age-old customs? It’s part of their religion, and therefore a question of religious liberty.” She then went off to help draft a new mandate to shut down all Christian churches in Ohio until the environment is totally germ-free.

A spokes-something for the ETs (we can’t pronounce what they call themselves) said through an interpreter that any interference with their religious rituals would be racist.

“We will sue the pants off anyone who tries to persecute these innocent visitors from another world,” vowed Badger. “Go ahead–make my day!”

New Mandate! ‘Grab & Jab’

leeduigon(patty)August 3, 2021

COLIN CLIVE, DWIGHT FRYE, FRANKENSTEIN, 1931 Stock Photo - Alamy

A brand-new government Mandate will be unveiled tomorrow at ex-President *Batteries Not Included’s birthday party. In fact, the mandate already has an affectionate nickname: “Grab & Jab.”

“This is what we call cutting to the chase!” said former Congressman Nick Beel. “Why send goons door to door, when you can just wait for the Anti-Vaxxer Racist Biggits Science Haters to come out the door? Two Vaccine Expediters [Editor’s Note: goons] grab ’em, jab ’em, and they’ll never know what hit ’em!”

Mr. Beel is also chair-noun of the Freedom-Schmeedom Foundation, whose motto is, “We promise you can have your freedoms back the moment the environment is germ-free!”

“We’re sick of the damned plebs carrying on like they matter or something,” said Beel. “They don’t know what’s good for ’em! It’s time they learned to just shut up and let the government make all the decisions.”

According to wildly unsubstantiated sources, “Grab & Jab” will be announced at the birthday party by “a certain Someone who’s very, very big in You-Know-Where.”

‘Solving the Riddles of Ancient History: A Whole New Approach’ (2017)

leeduigon(patty)July 10, 2021

Image result for images of harappan priest king statue

I haven’t been the same since I read the remarks of a certain college professor, who said students could acquire deep insights into history without having to learn any facts of history.

And here I thought Professor I.B. Loony was just a satirical buffoon.

Solving the Riddles of Ancient History: A Whole New Approach

I do remember, back in the 1990s (or was it the 80s?), an academic fad for “intuiting” things–that is, not bothering to research a subject, but just making it all up as one went along. I knew professors who actually spoke of “intuiting” as a substitute for factual knowledge.

Our culture rot has deep roots.

Emergency Addition to TV Listings! Don’t Miss It!

leeduigon(patty)June 6, 2021

See the source image

Crikey, get this one added to the TV listings, pronto! I don’t know who’s fault it was that this got left off yesterday…

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with an emergency addition to yesterday’s TV listings. We’ve had to juggle the schedule a bit, but it’ll be worth it!

SUNDAY, June 6

9:15 P.M. Ch. 16 MOVIE–Romance and Drama

“The Bear-foot Contessa” (1959)–she’s young, she’s beautiful, she’s rich… But thanks to an ill-advised scientific experiment, she has the feet of a 750-pound grizzly bear! This makes it extremely hard for her to buy shoes, and formal ballroom dancing is all but impossible. Movie historians rate this as Sally McBloo’s greatest role. Mr. Banyantree: Ben Kingsley. Harvey Cedars: Humphrey Bogart. Mr. & Mrs. Stringbean: Maude Adams.

Reed My Boock Insted of His!

leeduigon(patty)August 27, 2016

Now yiu Cant sea My Moth antenners!

I am so sick of that stopid lee and his stopid books! so i amb going to rite a boock my self! I amb going to rite a novvle and yiu shuld reed my boock insted of his!

My novvle it startts “out with” a Gay Marridge and then Mike and Geffry thay Transitoin and Change thare Gender “so” thay now wimmins insted of mans and then “thay” go on a Honey Moon and on thare Honey Moon “thay” Diskover a grate Lost City in the Junggle i think its In Cambodyer but may be i “wil” change that “to” som Place “in” Africka.

and in This Lost City thare lives Noboddy “but” all Socail Justis Wariers only and thay Is “al” Gay and thay “has” a hole lott of diffrint Genders and aslo Evry Boddy thay al “in” Collidge bein Interllecturals and thay Dont no boddy has to Work becose thare “is” Freee Tution thare!!! And The Rich thay has got to “pay” for Evry thing and aslo thay is “not” aloud to make No Proffit ever!!!

And “thay has” Got no God neether becose thay al Too Smart to beleave in God and that “is” Wye this hear Place it is a Parridice! But then some christins thay “come” alongg and thay “trie” to reck it but thay Cant becose them christins thay is jist stopid Biggits and “thay” Dont kno how To doo nothing and al them Trans Gender peple thay jist alyaws Out Smarts the stopid christins and Finely thay puts them Al into Sensativvity Traning and that makes Thare Minds rihgjt so Thay dont “beleave” in God no more neether and so “that” it bringes us to A Hapy ending!!!

And my prefesser He sayes My Boock it is “sure” to be whatya cal a Classtic and oncet its Poblished thay “wil” make it Reckwired Reeding hear at Collidge and than No one thay wil “reed” That stopid lees boocks no more! Ha Ha!

Physics Goes P.C.!

leeduigon(patty)August 14, 2016

Image result for images of identical people

The student body at CDU–true diversity!

Academics have long strained their brains, trying to figure out how to totally politicize the study of physics. Somehow applying “a feminist post-colonial analysis” to the study of glaciers didn’t quite catch on.

But now, at long last, sages at Cardiff Giant University have come up with “a Diversity-centered curriculum for Physics.”

Among the pearls of wisdom brought forth to tempt us to further study are these:

*”You can be an electron one day and a proton the next, depending on how you feel.”

*”Traditional physics is a neo-colonial White Privilege thingy for biggits.”

*”There are no laws of nature, only mental constructs.”

“Black physics matters!”

This curriculum, says the department head, Professor I.M. Schmendrick, “will once and for all establish that there is nothing, nothing, nothing that can’t be made abysmally stupid! We are truly excited about this. I can hardly wait to make our students swear loyalty oaths to the Democrat Party and to progressive thought in general.”

Students who decline to take the oath, according to the university, will be “encouraged” to remain in Diversity Training until they do.

“They always come around to our way of thinking,” said Schmendrick. “Like, dude, it’s our way or the highway! We’ll have diversity here or else.”

Dems Plan to List GOP as ‘Terrorist’

leeduigon(patty)July 21, 2016

Image result for images of soupy sales

Soupy Sales–candidate?

Our secret confidential sources have revealed that Attorney General Loretta Lunch–er, Lynch–has been meeting secretly with leading Senate Democrats to discuss the feasibility of having the Republican Party listed as a terrorist organization.

“If they can swing it,” said one of our sources, “they’ll have Donald Trump arrested and jailed before Election Day.”

Another source said that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is in the process of discovering a Constitutional right to have only a Democrat for president. “This would effectively outlaw the Republican Party,” he added.

But that being the case, who then would run against Hillary Clinton?

“Attorney General Lunch–er, Lynch–thinks that in that event, American’s mainstream news media would have the right to select the opposition candidate,” said our smartest source of all, you’d be amazed if we told you who it was. “Right now, the leading candidate to run opposed to Hillary is the late Soupy Sales. Internal polling shows Hillary ahead of Soupy, 51% to 49%.”

Democrat Senators were seen to come out of the meeting with paper bags over their heads, added our source. “But I was there when they took ’em off,” he said.

Hillary’s Running Mate

leeduigon(patty)July 13, 2016

Image result for images of hillary clinton with terry mcauliffe

Is this the Democrats’ dream ticket?

Our confidential secret sources have identified the top three choices to share the Democrat ticket this year as Hillary Clinton’s running mate. One of them may become America’s vice president.

*Comedian Roseanne Barr. “Hillary likes her because she’s totally daft and so far out of the political mainstream, or any other stream for that matter, that she makes Hillary look sane by comparison,” said one of our impeccably reliable sources.

*Pope Francis I. “This could get a little tricky because he’s not a U.S. citizen,” said a source, “but where there’s a will, there’s a way. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is looking for a loophole in the Constitution. Anyway, he’s the Pope and that ought to get our gal the Catholic vote. And she likes the way he declares that Donald Trump is not a Christian.”

*Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe. “Two peas in a pod!” said our source. “Hillary’s under FBI investigation, and so is he.” ( http://www.cnn.com/2016/05/23/politics/terry-mcauliffe-fbi-doj-federal-investigation-campaign-contributions/index.html ) “Hillary and Terry go way back, and he’s done some great work with the Clinton Foundation.” Particularly impressive to Mrs. Clinton, said the source, was a $120,000 donation made to McAuliffe by “a Chinese businessman.” “With Terry and Hillary both scrounging payoffs from questionable sources, it’ll be like old times in the White House,” said a knowledgeable informant. “The only thing missing will be Bill Clinton chasing interns around the Oval Office. But Hillary can appoint him to the Supreme Court to keep him out of mischief.”

So which of these three will it be? We’ll just have to wait and see!

The Most Equal and Inclusive High School in America

leeduigon(patty)June 5, 2016

Throughout the land, in recent days, public high schools–and colleges, of course– have been competing with one another to see which one can produce the most stilted and asinine graduation ceremony.

A school in Texas vaulted into the lead last week by not allowing students to wear their National Honor Society ribbons, ’cause it’d make kids feel bad who weren’t in the National Honor Society (I was in it when I graduated, and I can’t say anybody noticed, much less felt slighted).

Well, that has inspired another high school to go it way better.

Elwood P. Dowd High School in Schmendrick City, Michigan, will not allow graduating seniors to use their personal names. The names will not appear on the diplomas. As Principal Sy Fistula explained, “What could be less inclusive than your personal name? It excludes everyone but you! But we won’t allow that anymore.”

Dowd is going to extraordinary lengths to achieve absolute equality among the student body. During graduation, each student will wear a large gunny sack to completely conceal his or her identity. Each will be led up by ushers to receive his or her diploma. And to avoid any hint of inequality, all of the diplomas will be exactly the same and will be handed out at random by a blindfolded teacher who will fish them out of a barrel.

And instead of a traditional anthem of any kind, said Fistula, “Our kids will sing that old favorite from China’s Maoist era, ‘The People Joyfully Carry Manure to the Fields.'”

If the graduation is as great a success as anticipated, said Superintendent of Schools Dr. Mildred Blastoff, “We’ll do away with personal names all throughout the year for each and every grade in all our schools.”