The solution to the problem–the Cone of Silence!
Amazingly enough, three years ago a college professor figured out a way to prevent any adverse speech at all, while permitting “free speech” in a place where no one could hear it.
We don’t hear much about “free speech zones” anymore, do we? I wonder what happened to them.
Or is it just understood by now that of course there’s no free speech on any college campus, what are you thinking of?
The Regime’s new assistant secretary of education, Ima Thugg, has complained about the “free speech zones” found on many college campuses.
“It don’t matter how small they are!” said Ms. Thugg, who has half a doctorate in Gender Studies that she got when she was a woman, and another half she got as a “man.” “I don’t care if it ain’t no bigger than a postage stamp! Because guess what! The sound carries outside the free speech zone! It defeats the whole porpoise of the thing!”
Ah! But there is an answer to the problem. “I seen this on TV,” said Dr. Thugg, “it was in a education show called Get Smart. They had this thing called The Cone of Silence that came down on top of them when they wanted to talk in private and didn’t want no one to hear what they said.
“So if you was to go into the free speech zone and this here plastic cone came down on top of you so that nobody could hear you, then even if you said Hate Speech or something it wouldn’t matter because you’d be in the Cone of Silence and nobody would hear anything you said! And that takes care of any stupid First Amendment problems!”
The Dept. of Education will now seek approval from the Chinese Communist Party to spend $355 billion on cones of silence.
Ms. Authentic, Makes Hiawatha Look Like a Greek
Goodbye, Columbus! No, no, not the movie–I mean, really, goodbye, Columbus, Ohio.
To appease assorted Far Left weirdos, the city of Columbus has voted to change its name to Clan Mother Elizabeth Warren Community, in recognition of the Massachusetts Senator’s fantastic claim to be a Native American. The DNA test says she’s wrong, but you know how they lie. The DNA test says world chess champ Magnus Carlsen, born and bred in Norway, has more Native American blood than Elizabeth Warren. Just goes to show you how racist those tests are.
The Columbus City Council has also voted to change the names of all the streets in the city, followed by a mandatory name change for each resident. Every new name must somehow “convey praise for Native Americans,” explained City Manager Native Americans Invented The Internet (formally Hiram Plotnick).
All monuments in the city will be removed, he added, and replaced by states of Elizabeth Warren. The City Council has hailed her as “Ms. Authentic, the Real Deal, makes Hiawatha look like a Greek.”
The Columbus Clippers Triple-A baseball team will now be the Clan Mother Elizabeth Warren Community Clippers. “It has a certain ring to it,” said third base coach Smokey Malone, just before shooting himself.