Tag: crazy TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 9 REPRINT

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TV Guide November 17, 1977 C. Ohio 6 a.m.-3 p.m. (thanks to ...

From August 9, 2025

 

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, filling in for the big guy, who is still hors de combat. (Who says Australian marsupials can’t speak French? Hah!) Anyway, here are three shows I scraped up from the pavement for you. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Saturday

7:07 p.m.   Ch. 57   CHAINSAW CHARLIE–Do It Yourself

Lonesome Charlie Gromm comes to you live from the woodworking shop at Clydesdale Prison, where he’s serving a 75-year-sentence for Not Being a Liberal–but the show must go on! This week: Charlie turns his chainsaw skills to soap carving. Really, it’s amazing, what Warden Pong lets him get up to!

8:16 p.m.   Ch. 14  THE SCHMENDRICKS–Award-winning sitcom

Dennis and his family like to live dangerously! This week: Mrs. S (some idiot who has blackmailed the producer) takes up breaking and entering as a pastime. Can hubby Carlo make her stop before she lands the whole family in the hoosegow? Allie Schmendrick: Ellen Mellon.

Sunday

12:45 p.m.   Ch. 26   MAJOR LEAGUE SCRUNCHING–Extreme low-brow sports

The Hackensack Pinch-Bug Larvae take on the Enraged Feminists, live from the Paramus Landfill in New Jersey. (Rosters unavailable at this time.) Hackensack left cobbler Perry Mingler last week set a new world’s record for ogling. EF star Punchy Gross has vowed to “take it out of his male chauvinist hide.”

All right, that’s that, I’m out of steam.

1,200+ Cute Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 16 REPRINT

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December 15-21, 1962 TV Guide

From August 16, 2025

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of enlightenment brought to you by Quokka University… the college too obscure to die.

Here are three samples for you.

Saturday

11:18 a.m.  Ch. 06   TV for simpletons–GRADY PISHPOCK–(“Talk the hind leg off a donkey”)

Join host GradyPishpock in conversations guaranteed to embarrass! This week: Grady takes on Congresswoman Jan Jiffy in a debate about what’s that on the floor of the studio, just by the door. Watch Grady tie her into knots!

Sunday

9:54 a.m.  Ch. 71  Drama (sort of)–When is a swarm of insect pests not a swarm of insect pests? When it’s  PEST PEEVES WITH LYDDIE COCANOWER. This week: Lyddie “fixes those pesky caterpillars” by feeding them to grouchy neighbors. Special guest: Sgt. Bud Perkins, local police (“Actually, Ms. Coconut, these aren’t half-bad! I believe I’ll have another handful.”

7:14 p.m.  Ch. 22  Stark melodrama–LAPSY, THE BAD-TEMPERED MONITOR LIZARD

This show gives Lassie a run for the money. He is fully capable of swallowing a collie dog. This week: Tommy (Nicky Hsiang) and Dippy (Debi Moostoosian) think they’ve lost Lapsy–until the whole staff at Boro Hall runs out in a panic onto the street, screaming maniacally. And they can’t wake Officer Plugg (a department store dummy).

Say hey, can you go for these? I’m a Grady Pishpock fan, myself; but I’m undergoing treatment for it.

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

How Quokkas Selfies Help Their Population Bounce Back

(Me and my agent, Olaf Spiggit)

Byron’s TV Listings, May 13 REPRINT

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TV Guide, August 11th 1991. Featuring an ad for the new Fox TV show 'Parker Lewis Can't Lose'! : r/90s

From May 13, 2023

Greetings and g’day, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s fabulous TV shows brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a wee sample of what we’ve rounded up for you!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  SAPS!–Reality TV

Sometimes TV is so predictable! The TV detective always catches the bad guy, the TV doctor always saves the patient… But here’s the one show dedicated to those poor saps who never get it right! Tonight: Architect Barney Bock, whose entire subdivision fell into a sink-hole; and folk singer Nancy Hastur, now being sued for damages incurred when 1,000 panicked fans tried to flee her concert all at once. Host: Edsel Ford.

Ch. 19   Very Angry Hopping Mad News–News & commentary

Anchorman Mike Lava flies off the handle–he’s been known to bite studio staff–every time they air a news story… which is kind of unavoidable, this being a news program. Weatherwoman Jane Boombox screeches in a berserk rage at every symbol on her weather map. Really, no one here has the slightest notion of how to behave.

8 P.M.  Ch. 42  MY FRIEND FOOGIE–Horror/Sitcom

They think Little Eddie (Pat Buttram) has an imaginary friend, but Foogie the Invisible Vampire (Herbert S. Zim) is all too real! Tonight: Foogie preys on the June Taylor Dancers and polishes off three of them before Eddie puts his foot down. Community Organizer: Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Good news: Foogie gets her, too.

Ch. 57   MOVIE–Western with philosophical overtones

If you ever thought Gene Autry couldn’t match Plato dialogue for dialogue, think again! In Buckaroo Behemoth (Sicilian, 1966, with West German music score; 344 minutes), cowboys wander the Great Plains, pausing only to discuss deep intricacies of philosophy. Slim: Sir John Gielgud. Tex: Soupy Sales. Ma Fanabla: Marjorie Main.

Well, that ought to be enough to get you started on a weekend bacchanal of TV-watching!

Quokkas: why we need to look beyond the smile - Australian Geographic

Hurry, or there’ll be no popcorn left! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, June 10 REPRINT

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 12th through 18th, 1977

From June 10, 2023

 

G’day, G’day–and what is so rare as a day in June? And I’m Byron the Quokka, with the answer: some of these long-lost TV shows are even rarer! But we’ve rescued a bunch of them, just for you. For example:

3:56 P.M.   Ch. 08  NEWS IN A HURRY–News & commentary

It’s the same news you get at 6 o’clock, only they get it all done in just four minutes. Ideal for the viewer who wants to get the news but has’t got half an hour to devote to it. The tape is speeded up, so be prepared to listen fast! Anchor: Irwin Corey.

4 P.M.   Ch. 10  YOU CAN FLOSTICATE!–Educational (sort of)

Little-known outside of pro baseball, Arnold Kopplo was the uncrowned King of the Flosticators. Nothing else could have kept him going through 10 years of hitting under .200 and getting booed and assaulted by fans. Now his flostication secrets can be known! Host: Rusty Gates. Medium: Madame Mabel Sweeny.

Ch. 14   DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS–Pretentious twaddle

Dr. Frank Nodule, Last Chance University, tackles a thorny proposition: “Every person has the right to be served by servants and it should be government policy to see that this is so.” Voice of Opposition: A sane person drafted off the street. Panel of Judges: the June Taylor Dancers. (“Who will serve the servants’ servants?”)

4:30 P.M.   Ch. 29   MOVIE–Musical, uh… comedy

In Hold That Coccyx! (Ethiopian, 1954), Bob Hope and Max Von Sydow are chased through Foki Forest by Ethiopian bandits led by Hugh Beaumont. Music by Chiang Kai-shek and his orchestra. Hit song (Hope and Sydow), “Aaagh, It Only Hurts When I Sit Down!” Directed by Joe Garagiola.

Ch. 44   THE COODY FAMILY–Sitcom with tragic overtones

The only tragedy is that this bomb got made in the first place! This week: Jimmy Skull-Splitter (Dick Cavett) tries to muscle his way into an Icelandic saga; but only Aunt Club Moss (Jane Austen) can tell him how to find his way out of the house. Captain Ahab: Gregory Peck. Smiling Clump of Broccoli: Emma Bovary.

Well, folks, is that great programming, or what!

Quokkas Spotting - Where to see Rottnest Island's Quokkas

Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron the Quokka to the Rescue! (With TV Listings) REPRINT

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Vintage Johnstown: More TV Guide - 1967 | Tv guide, Tv guide listings, Vintage tv

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, trying to save this blog. At Quokka University we have made an extra-special effort to point you to the very best in weekend television. You wouldn’t believe what we had to go through, to get these shows!

Here’s just a sample of them.

8 P.M.   Ch. 06   ADVENTURES OF IZOD LACOSTE–Are they kidding?

The famous fashion designer discovers a lost city inhabited by maniacs! Major Fapp: Orrin Hatch.  Cannibalistic milk-maid: Heather Locklear. Featuring a special appearance by Tommy the Corgi as a German shepherd.

Ch. 10  SPECIAL AGENT 717–Spy thriller

As the World Economic Forum heats up, Col. Babycakes (Junior Sample) tries to thwart a scheme to kidnap the June Taylor Dancers. Can Agent 717 (Arnold Stang) save the world from a fleeting bout of incredulous dismay? Cameo appearance by Alvin the Octopus taking Alfred Hitchcock for a walk.

8:08 P.M.  Ch. 13  NEWS FOR NUDISTS WHO TALK BACKWARDS–Niche programming

Would you believe this was 2017’s top-rated news show? The ratings have slipped since anchorwoman Leslie Oop started to wear clothes and speak normally, but the rest of the studio crew and the reporters in the field are still barely comprehensible. (That’s a joke, my friends!)

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 34  MOVIE–Classical Tragedy for really smart people

In “Tarzan’s Vegas Gig” (Spanish-Canadian, 1987), the ape-man plays the Vegas nightclubs as a stand-up philosopher while a vampire (Haystacks Calhoun) stalks the city. What happens when the two of them try to buy the same flower shop? Featured song, It Must Be the Diuretics!

Ch. 61  JIMMY FRAUD PRESENTS–Game show

At last, a game show for people who literally have nothing better to do! Ideal for heavily sedated patients in a hospital. “In fact, they might not even need sedation anymore!” says Jimmy. Each contestant gets 50 tries to guess what’s in Jimmy’s cardboard box–and if you grovel, you get another 50 tries! In-House Poet: Some guy Jimmy went to high school with, but can’t remember his name.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

There! If these shows don’t stirrup interest, I’m riding out of here! That’s a pun, son. It’s making the rounds on Rottnest Island and we’re all laughing ourselves silly over it.

From June 2022

We Admit It’s a Mess

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quokka (setonix brachyurus) rottnest island, perth, western australia - quokka stock pictures, royalty-free photos & images

G’day, boys’n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and what a mess it is. We’re not gonna get out of this weekend, are we?

Blimey!  No Joe Collidge. No  Oy, Rodney. And (oh the horror of it!) no Byron’s TV listings! How are you supposed to make it through the weekend without TV listings? Like, what is this–Russia?

The boss is sick. It’s like any minute now his poop is gonna pop. A word to the wise: keep your distance.

Maybe we can come back in the middle of the week. Can’t blame a chap for trying.

 

The Missing TV Listings

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2+ Thousand Australian Quokka Royalty-Free Images, Stock Photos & Pictures | Shutterstock

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls. Byron the Quokka here, minus our weekly TV listings. Well, the Big Guy did mention that he’s as sick as he can be, just now. And I don’t like to take his place.

So it’s no TV listings, and no Joe Collidge, either. Too bad–I was all set to trot out my Tyrannosaurus rex imitation. Last time I did, a kangaroo fainted.

Anyhow, the poor guy barely got through the day today. I’d like to make it up to him somehow. Maybe tomorrow? If we can lure Violet Crepuscular into taking a day off.

Next! Previews of Coming Attractions

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1950s ANIMATION WS Marquee proclaiming "Coming Attractions ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, holding the fort for Lee in case he feels better later and releases our new TV listings. We’ve gotta be careful with those: the big networks are always trying to steal ’em.

A duck-billed platypus named Izod says CNN has offered him all the worms he can eat if he joins their nooze team. We know better, from way back! It’d serve them right if they gave him a whopping big contract and only then found out what an infernal liar and twaddle artist he really is.

I say that meaning no disrespect.

See you all late this afternoon… maybe.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 3

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TV Guide November 23, 1986 N. Alabama afternoon-evening

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, thanks to a mixed-up schedule. Violet Crepuscular has already sworn to get me with her pea-shooter. But like the feller said, “What, me worry?” and “Better late than never.”

Here are a few selections from this weekend’s potpourri of nooze (are you amazed that I could spell that? I am!).

Sunday (too late for Saturday)

11:22 a.m.   Ch. 64   MR. ICONIC–Pure culture rot, if you ask me

Follow Mr. Iconic down the road of Pure Cliche, just off the Meaningless Drivel Highway! This week: Learn how to say “they” and “them” when you’re talking about just one person. It drives people who care about English crazy!

3 p.m.  Ch. 06   BAG THE SCORPION!–Sports

It’s the national sport of Kaboodlestan, now being played all across Europe. Today: Spatrazzini Primos vs. Yorkshire Spads, winner take the whole bag of angry scorpions! Announcer: Yi Fang Chao. Ceremonial Chant: Charlie “Mulekicker” McCroy.

6:06 p.m.  Ch. 71   SELASSIE–Unnaturally smart dog (yawn!)

Selassie, great-great-grandpup of the original Lassie, has taught herself to be Lord High Mountebank of Ethiopia–and the Big Bopper (Jock Mahoney) doesn’t like it! All of these episodes were discovered in an old strongbox tucked away in a spooky corner of an old barn where the mountebanks used to play I Doubt It. This week: Selassie finds a caterpillar in her dog chow.

Well, folks, that’s a little taste of what’s in store for you today! I hope I can get home in time not to watch Mr. Iconic!

Quokka | National Geographic Kids

Maybe I can borrow that bike over yonder.

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, July 26

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TV Guide July 20, 1981 Los Angeles 5 a.m.-8 p.m.

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of glorious, glamorous, gargantuan TV! Brought to you by Quokka University, where illusions go to die. (All right, I don’t know what I meant! It just sounded cool.)

Saturday

2:42 p.m.   Ch. 45  COCCYX MAN–Superhero drama

What if your coccyx was more than just a coccyx? What if it made you a superhero? That’s exactly what happened to Marcus Farkus (Willis McGeek) when he was trying to clean up the laboratory at night and slipped and fell into a vat of heaven knows what. Prof Knopf: Leo McKern. Woozie Suzie: Hsiang K’e-bang.

Sunday

4:17 p.m.  Ch. 16   SAN FRAN SHRUBS vs. CHARLESTON PAPERWEIGHTS–Sports (after a fashion)

Join celebrity broadcasters Herschel Worthless and Annie Victanny as the two big-league teams go at it! Object of the game: To remain perfectly still the longest! Move too early and you’re out! Sponsored by Ugly Bald Man Weiners.

6:11 p.m.  Ch. 44   LAPSY THE WONDER DOG–Indescribable suspense

No one will believe Lapsy when she tries to warn Farmer YoHo (George “Sparky” Blotz) and his family of talking axolotls. Lapsy must act! Will it do any good to chew up a lot of coarse grass and get terribly ill? We’ll see! Mrs. Bobble: Anne Francis.

So there you have it, folks–this week’s highlights. I can’t wait to see who’s best at remaining perfectly still for hours at a time!

Quokka | National Geographic Kids

Gee, I wonder if that bike is up for grabs…

Byron the Quokka, signing off.