Tag: general silliness

Ms. Crepuscular Gets Lost (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

“A writer must never allow herself to be distracted,” declares Violet Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense. This is because she has lost track of what chapter she’s writing in her epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

“Really, it was Mr. Pitfall’s fault,” she writes, blaming the whole thing on her neighbor. “You know the man is hopelessly in love with me. He used one of my recipes to bake me a batch of what were supposed to be toothpaste-filled cupcakes. I ate one–and the next three days are now a total blank to me!”

So she has settled on No. DXXIII for the chapter she is currently writing. Let’s see… The rhinoceros has spun a cocoon behind Dr. Weezle’s tool shed, the royal handwriting inspector has come and gone… and Constable Chumley has auditioned for the title role in the Scurveyshire Players’ production of Hamlet.

That’s how “To be or not to be” turns into “Ay wee yearnted far thither.”

Potrick the Jovial Shepherd (there are two jovial shepherds in Scurveyshire) thinks the constable should write his memoirs. He is also working on his imitation of Alan Hale, the American movie actor who has yet to be born. Potrick is good at things like that.

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 17

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TV Guide listing for NYC, early Friday evening September 17 (1971) : r/VintageTV

Holy moly, it’s almost Christmas! Time to line the ol’ nest with some fresh grass. And time to sit back and groove on some of these great TV shows collected by Quokka University.

7:34 P.M.  Ch. 72   MOVIE–Indescribable (good luck with it)

Ignore those mean-spirited critics who said Sammy the Samurai (Bolivian, 1982) was “what a movie would look like if monkeys made it.” Leo Gorcey plays a demoralized samurai searching for pastrami. Mr. Greenjeans: Gil Hodges. Doris the Tree Sloth: Heather Locklear. Man with lots of hang-ups: Bill Harzia.

7:45 P.M.  Ch. 16   TOTALLY MADE-UP NEWS THAT WON’T FOOL ANYONE–News

Join co-anchors Bud Abbot and Lou Costello for the absolute worst in TV journalism! Really, if you believe anything this show reports, you need a rubber room. Sports: Chiang Kai-shek. Weather: Sandy Duncan. Featured: the June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 08   CELEBRITY PARKING–Game Show

Which of the celebrity contestants will find and claim the only open parking space in Metuchen, NJ? Better succeed! Losers are put to death. Tonight’s contestants: Whoopi Goldberg, Cher, Keith Olberman, Madame Pompadour, Taras Bulba. Host: Some poor guy with a lot of parasites.

Ch. 14   MY LITTLE MUMSY–Sitcom

Mumsy is a 45-foot-long sea serpent that doesn’t like living on land–and in the suburbs, no less. Her “mommy” (Debbie Reyolds) and “daddy” (Warren G. Harding) have to protect her from Captain Ahab (Tim Conway), fanatic with a harpoon. Tonight: Mumsy destroys the local 7-11.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 25   SPARKY THE CAT–Superhero series

Bugs McGrew (believed to be played by Sir Ralph Richardson) by day is a non-entity in charge of America’s nuclear arsenal. But when he squeezes the catnip mouse in his pocket, the transforms instantly into Sparky the Cat! This week: Sparky gets tangled up in Bugs’ clothes and unknowingly hits the “Launch” button.

Well, you can’t beat these, can you? I know I can’t!

Quokka photos by Alex Cearns perfect for 2020 | news.com.au — Australia's leading news site

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

The Impetuous Dr. Weezle (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Violet Crepuscular stunned the romance world last week by introducing a new character into her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. “I have introduced a new character into my epic romance, Oy Rodney,” Ms. Crepuscular writes.

None other than Dr. Weezle! The rhinoceros spun her cocoon behind his chicken coop. (Trust me, you will never find another sentence quite like that one.)

“This is a corrascible problem!” groans Lord Jeremy Coldsore, still recovering from the trampling he got two weeks ago. Overcome by pity, Constable Chumley has made room for Lord Jeremy in his coal bin. Riotous servants won’t let Jeremy back into his ancestral home.

And then there’s Dr. Weezle–or, to give him his full name, Dr. Emrys Chrysanthemum Weezle, M.D., Ph. D., M.B.E., G.O.P., Q.C. Arctic explorer in his youth. Author of This Here House Full of Nitwits. Destined to be almost knighted for the part he almost played in the Boxer Rebellion.

What role does he play in this story?

“Don’t rush me!” snaps Ms. Crepuscular. “I don’t just write romance and suspense, you know. I am trying to make toothpaste candy canes for Mr. Pitfall’s Christmas party. If you had any idea how delicate and fustulent a job that is, you’d just shut up and go away!”

I know of no other author who tells her readers to go away.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 10

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

[I have to soak my head, after that last post. Over to you, Byron!–LD]

G’day! Byron the Quokka here for Quokka University, bringing you weekend TV that will make you think you died and went to Paramus, NJ! Here’s a mere sample of it.

5:46 P.M.  Ch. 74  100% FAKE NEWS!–Just what it says: fake

Here’s the gimmick: Anchorman Dan Rather is the only person involved who doesn’t know the whole thing’s fake! Like, we tried to tell him, but after a while you just give up, know what I mean? Tonight: How Donald Trump started the Trojan War. Special guest: A very large earthworm.

6 P.M.  Ch. 04  SEANCE WITH THE STARS–Incredibly poor taste

Join Sophie Tucker, Nestor Chylak, Susan Sontag, and Jackie Chan, with medium Madame LaBonza, as they try to make contact with celebrities who have passed over. Tonight they’ll be seeking sure-fire stock market tips from Pharaoh Ramses II, who has had a very long time to study the market and develop his own theories. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 10  ROLLER BASKETBALL, MIAMI BEACH vs. KYZYL–Sports

What happens when you combine roller derby with basketball? Chaos! Mayhem! Fabulous injuries you never saw before! The Kyzyl Wahoos defend their Central Asian championship against the Miami Beach Vestment Lice. Miami Beach is not in Central Asia, but never mind. Play-by-Play: Jimmy Durante, Anne Klein.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 16  BEAT THE CROC–Game show

Who can swim to the other end of the pool first–our celebrity contestants, or a hungry crocodile named Jimbo? Host Patrick MacNee whips up the crowd as the croc closes in! This week’s frantic swimmers: Susan George, Walter Cronkite, Bette Midler. With Jay Nehru and his orchestra.

Ch. 42   MOVIE–Defies description (call it a ‘Western’)

“Bats Over Broadway” (Canadian, 2004) combines the talents of Steven Spielberg, Reggie Jackson, Julia Child, and Bela Lugosi in a 4 1/2-hour spectacle that former President Jimmy Carter called “knuckle-crackin’ good!” But that’s only because he was in it, too, as The Pitiful Beggar Who Has Nothing Wrong With Him. Chief Kalfastoban: Roddy McDowell. Themistocles: a boyfriend of Sharon Stone.

Well! How d’ya like  that selection? Makes me want to curl up in the dry grass and munch on shiny green leaves!

2,528 Quokka Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

The Day They Stopped the World… in Scurveyshire (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

For one day of the year, every year, without fail, everything stops in Scurveyshire. Just comes to a total halt.

For this is the day the Royal Handwriting Inspector visits Scurveyshire to inspect everyone’s handwriting. It is an ancient custom going back to the days of the otherwise forgotten Anglo-Saxon king, Herb Meyer.

All right, inspection’s over–everybody back to work!

“These local traditions are incrostical,” writes author Violet Crepuscular, glossing over her failure to provide a Chapter DXXI for her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. “Back in Henry XI’s time, anyone who failed to pass the handwriting inspection was denied the use of a sandbox.”

Anyway, the only thing that happened while this stupid inspection was going on was that the rhinoceros spun her cocoon behind Dr. Weezle’s chicken coop and is now dormant. And spies from Babylon, unfamiliar with the customs of rural England, stuck out like sore thumbs because they continued working while everyone else stopped–so it was no difficult matter for Willis Twombley to shoot them after the inspectors left.

Wait’ll all those rhino eggs hatch, though! They don’t call Violet the Queen of Suspense for nothing. She pays them to do it.

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 3

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Great 70's TV lineup!! | Tv guide, Vintage tv, Classic television

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and if you’re not out Christmas shopping, or if you’ve been shopping and you’re tuckered out, Quokka University has just what you need! Great TV shows, of course. Like these.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 05  COUNTRY QUACK–Tasteless sitcom

Doc Fugu (H. P. Lovecraft) convinces Mrs. Wadman (Rita Moreno) that she’s given birth to kittens; but he’s unwittingly started a feud with Mrs. Shrike (Debbie Reynolds), who last year supposedly gave birth to eight baby rabbits. Watch the June Taylor Dancers get caught in the crossfire!

Ch. 10  NEWS WITH BATTLIN’ BILLY–News and fisticuffs

The famous baseball manager (oh, come on, he’s famous! you don’t need his name) anchors a staff of reporters who really irritate him, and he doesn’t mind saying it with his fists. Tonight: Dan Rather gets pushed down the stairs and Billy’s carried off in handcuffs. Substitute co-anchors: Shari Lewis and Lambchop.

7:46 P.M. Ch. 19  CELEBRITY PRANK SHOP–Game

What happens when Taylor Swift finds a cobra in her bed? Can Chuck Connors stop his car after they drain out all the brake fluid? And how about those missing steps in Mia Farrow’s house? Wait’ll she gets up at night to have a glass of water! Host: Jimmy Fraud.

8 P.M.  Ch. 15  MOVIE–Sharp social commentary and pretentious babble

In “Who’s That Jidrool Who Doesn’t Like Me Anymore?” (Icelandic, 2004), Dustin Hoffman plays a down-and-out wine taster who’s given a second chance by Mothman (Nigel Bruce). Complications arise when he falls in love with a woman (Totie Fields) who thinks she’s an electric blender. Music score by some kook in Reykjavik.

Ch. 28  CAPTAIN ONIONHEAD–Science fiction Western

Capt. Onionhead (Buster Crabbe) has to use all his ingenuity to save Professor Carbuncle (William Lundigan) from crazed space pirates led by Lulu Smythe (Susan Sontag). One false move, and we lose Wyoming! Cute but Dispensable Sidekick: Sam Jaffe. Secret Agent Disguised as Baby-sitter: Mike Mazurki.

I don’t know if it’s true that watching shows like this makes you irresistible to phone scammers; I prefer to think of us as providing a sorely-needed luxury to the human race.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Chaos at Coldsore Hall! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

In Chapter DXVIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense, told us how Lord Jeremy Coldsore, locked out of his ancestral hall by roistering servants who think it’s still the 18th century, fell off his perch and was gored and trampled by a rhinoceros. All 213 bones in his body were broken. “That will teach him to try and evolve wings,” writes Ms. Crepuscular.

A week later he’s up and around. The American adventurer, Willis Twombley, who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad, has used his six-gun to re-instill decorum in those wild and crazy servants. “Jist leave it to me, Germy,” quoth Willis. He needs to shoot only two of the servants before the others get the message.

This is all told in Chapter DXX. Chapter DXIX is too puerile and improbable to be reproduced here. Even Violet thinks so. “I have written a chapter too puerile and improbable to be reproduced here,” she writes. Send her a check for $3.98 and she’ll send you a summary of the chapter.

Meanwhile the rhinoceros, having laid several clutches of eggs, is now preparing to spin a cocoon in which to spend the winter. It will be a rather large cocoon.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 26

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with fantastic weekend television brought to you by Quokka University… where all we do, really, is hunt up rare TV shows, never mind teaching courses. Anyhow, here are some samples:

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  SLAPSTICK NEWS–A news show, sort of

Finally! You don’t have to sit there growling and fuming as the news anchor talks down to you and tells lies. Here, the anchormen and anchorwomen stand a good chance of getting a pie in the face! You’ll know who it’s going to be, but the victim won’t. Dan Rather, Walter Cronkite, Paula Zahn–splat! Take that, motormouth!

Ch. 14  BACKYARD SAFARI–For children and goofy adults

Who needs rhinos and lions and giraffes when you’ve got ants, aphids, and starlings? It’s a lot cheaper, too! Join great white hunter Abe Vigoda as he sidesteps a charging ground beetle and bags an earthworm with his shotgun Celebrity guest: Sandra Day O’Connor. Bearer: Yogi Bearer (get it?).

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 29  FOREIGN MOVIES IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES–Pretentious twaddle

Impress your friends! Watch Bergman’s Wild Strawberries in the original Swedish, no subtitles, no dubbing, and say things like “Some of the subtler nuances don’t translate all that well.” Do the same with Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress and they’ll gasp in awe! Host: Marcel Marceau.

7 P.M.  Ch. 12  SERPENT PEOPLE OF VALUSIA–Sitcom

Hanky (Andre the Giant) wants a tricycle for his birthday, but Mozgush and Doblast (Arthur C. Clarke, Sonja Henie) have already bought him a king-sized hamster wheel. Uncle Hisstah (Frank Botox) is called in to make peace! Provider of Superfluous Exclamation Points: Joyce Carol Oates.

7:04 P.M. Ch. 42  SAGEBRUSH SAM–Underwater Western

People didn’t dig this when it came out in 1964, but Sagebrush Sam, TV’s first underwater Western, is now arguably the most popular show in television history. This week: Can Marshal Dan Schimmelpfennig (Don Adams) hold his breath long enough to burst into the Sea Horse Saloon and arrest manic gunslinger Nijam Mohandalakshiraj (Richard Simmons) for copyright infringement? Can he hold his breath long enough to say the name? Sparky: Shari Lewis. The June Taylor Dancers: The Elvira Pushcart Dancers.

Boy, oh, boy! I can’t wait to hunker down in front of my TV set with a handful of tasty leaves and bubble gum!

74 Quokka Eating A Leaf Images, Stock Photos & Vectors ...

This looks like a good one. See you next week!

Special Treat: Bob and Ray, ‘The Largest Living Lizard’

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Hey, let’s have a laugh!

Bob and Ray performed “The Largest Living Lizard” back in 1984 and it’s still hilarious today.

Komodo dragons are awesome carnivores which are now kept in major zoos throughout the country… where they almost never attack anyone.

Ms. Crepuscular’s Revenge–and a Lesson in Evolution (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Introducing Chapter DXVIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular writes, “Well, we visited Johnno the Merry Minstrel in the hospital on Wednesday and I need hardly describe the occasion. Let us move on with the story!”

Lord Jeremy is still up a tree, menaced by a rhinoceros below. In yonder Coldsore Hall, they’re having a wild party and no one wants to go out and help the poor sod in the sauerbratten tree. But Jeremy has hit upon a novel solution to his predicament.

“I shall evolve!” he confides in the reader, bypassing the author altogether. “I am not going to do whatever Violet Crepuscular says I should do anymore! I shall evolve a pair of wings and merrily fly off to another tree–and so long, Mr. Rhino!” To get the evolutionary process started, he begins to flap his arms.

Oops!

These exertions cause Jeremy to fall out of the tree. Instantly the rhino jumps on him, then thrusts him through with its horn, tosses him twenty feet into the air (a nasty fall, that!), sits on him, runs over him 15 or 20 times, and then wanders off to lay some more eggs.

Jeremy rises with a groan. It’s no use complaining to me, I didn’t write this schleck. I think Ms. Crepuscular’s intent was to teach her fictional characters a lesson.

Desperately wounded, Lord Jeremy crawls to the front door of Coldsore Hall and tries to whisper through the mail slot…

Trust the Queen of Suspense to leave you hanging there.