Tag: general silliness

Jailbreak! (Oy, Rodney)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Suddenly we are in Chapter DXI of Violet Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney. No signs of Chapter DX. Reconstructing the lost chapter from subtle hints in this one, we conclude that Constable Chumley’s mother has given up being The Lithping Knight Thir Lanthelot and gone on a world cruise; and Chumley and Jerrold Coelocanth, got into a shouting match that no one else understood.

“Ye fitthick skurn!” (That sounds nasty!–Ed.)

“Ooblz glquuwe!”

“Yar, soth varny yir buckers!”

“Mnng Cthulhu!”  And so on.

Also in the lost chapter, Lord Jeremy Coldsore escapes from Mom’s Dungeon and winds up fleeing from the hounds in a wooded tract in southern Transylvania. I am at a loss to explain how that could have happened.

Ms. Crepuscular takes a moment to speak directly to her readers, all four of them.

“I am taking a moment to speak directly to my readers,” she writes, “because I have failed to find my notes on Chief Oxyartes and am therefor unable to produce a climax and finish my book. Sometimes Brownies get into my house. Maybe they took the notes. I am on the verge of phrognostricating!”

As for what actually happens in Chapter DXI, it may be that the less said about that, the better.

 

What? No Oxyartes? (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Introducing Chapter DIX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, author Violet Crepuscular (“the Queen of Suspense”) apologizes for having failed to introduce Chief Oxyartes.

“I am contrifusiated!” she confesses. “Chief Oxyartes would have tied the whole plot together! He would have resolved everything. Another half a dozen chapters, and I’d’ve been done! Free to go on to the next book!” (Oy, Rodney 2: The Interminable.) “Alas and alack and woe! The notes I jotted down for Oxyartes somehow wound up as the paper in my home-made fortune cookies.”

Meanwhile in Chapter DIX, Constable Chumley meets Jerrold Coelocanth, the Man with the Unpronounceable Word.

“Dith yon borda maken silphlessness?” the constable inquires.

To which Mr. Coelocanth replies, “Ygglth pkaa.” Chumley arrests him for public lewdness, even though they’re not in public. “Hir miggle mine gulph,” he would explain to Lord Jeremy Coldsore, justice of the peace. He says it anyway, not noticing that Lord Jeremy isn’t there.

Jeremy is still being held by Constable Chumley’s mother as a prisoner of love. He has scrawled pleas for help on his dinner plates and hurled them out the window to many of Europe’s most famous rivers. One washes up in Johnno the Merry Minstrel’s back yard, up against the bird feeder.

[We don’t have the rest of this chapter. She’s turning the place upside-down, looking for notes on Chief Oxyartes. I’m the editor and I have no idea who that dude is. I am reasonably sure we can get along without him.]

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 8

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide Oct 2, 1970 | Program pages from the Minneapolis-St… | Flickr

G’day, g’day, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here, with absolutely the very best in television, the best shows of the last 800 years! Brought to you by Quokka University, where a degree in Nothing Studies means just that.

Behold a few samples:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02  THE MICROBES–(Best sitcom ever)

Kate Smith and Stan Laurel star as Alice and Jerry Microbe, whose neighbors can’t see them without a microscope! (I don’t know why they put in that exclamation point. Someone please take it away.) This week: Alice gets lost in Mrs. Moseby’s rug. Mrs. Moseby: Shari Lewis. Sasquatch: Harold Stassen.

Ch. 08  THE NEWS IN DANCE–News & commentary

Join the June Taylor Dancers in presenting and analyzing the world’s news in interpretive dance! Tonight: Turkey, Paraguay sign non-aggression pact; Congress investigates pro wrestling match-fixing scandal; 450-pound pole vaulter sets record. Song: “Old MacDonald Had a Farm.”

7:42 P.M.  Ch. 17  MOVIE–Science fiction

In “Able was I, Ere I Saw Elba” (Hong Kong, 1975), the Shaw Brothers’ five-hour epic, kung-fu meets string theory. A drunken guard (Luis Tiant) falls in love with a pineapple from another dimension (Linda Hunt), who is able to look sort of like a woman when the mood takes her. Together they plot to bring back Napoleon Bonaparte (Gabe Kaplan)! Too bad they only brought back half of him… Mrs. Hsing: Li Lo Liang.

8 P.M.  Ch. 46  GET RICH QUICK!–Self-improvement

Host Alan Diphthong filmed 12 of these episodes before he was sent to prison for fraud. Tonight’s projects: raising fleas for sale to flea circuses; a radish farmer in California switches over to taking money not to scare small children; start your own sky-diving school. Special guest: Bill Moyers.

Ch. 52  KNIT THE RAVELED SLEEVE OF CARE–Game show

It’s celebrities Chuck Connors, Abe Ribikoff, and Sally Field against three schlubs from the studio audience in a battle to see which team can stay awake longest through a reading of Silas Marner by a not-very-talented W.C. Fields impersonator. Winning team gets Batman wrist watches! Losing team gets doused with ice-cold water. Host: Porky Pig (don’t ask).

Well, if you think these are great shows, wait’ll you see the ones I haven’t written previews for! One of our emus went hog-wild after just half an hour’s viewing.

Meet the Quokka

Happy viewing! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Rhino on the Rampage! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

We left Scurveyshire last week with a rogue Indian rhinoceros digging burrows all over the place, Willis Twombley outfitting a “shikari” because an African-type safari simply won’t do, and Lord Jeremy Coldsore locked up in a tower by Constable Chumley’s mother.

Introducing Chapter DVIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular writes, “In introducing Chapter DVIII of my epic romance, Oy, Rodney, I take the opportunity to introduce both a new character–and a new dimension to the plot!”

This woman has no mercy on her readers.

And so we meet Johnno the Merry Minstrel’s long-lost cousin, Jerrold Coelocanth, best known as “the Man with the Unpronounceable Word.” And if you think that’s bad, you should hear him try to say “hypoteneuse.”

As he enters the great public square of Scurveyshire Village, he exclaims, “Fbthhiw!” A statue of Mr. Spock falls off its pedestal. We are at liberty to wonder what it was doing there in the first place.

Meanwhile, his desperation increasing by the hour, Lord Jeremy continues to write messages on dinner plates and throw them out the dungeon window to various notable European rivers. Today it’s the Danube. “Alas, poor prisoner of love!” he caliphritates. (Take that, Mr. Spell-Check! Thought you knew it all, did you? Got that one past you, though, didn’t I? … Okay, I feel better now.) He has forgotten to include the dungeon’s address in his messages.

Next: The Return of Chief Oxyartes

Beware False ‘False Facts’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Fingers Crossed Kid Images – Browse 3,435 Stock Photos, Vectors, and Video | Adobe Stock

Acme False Facts Inc. has issued a warning to its customers to steer clear of its competitor, Super False Facts Ltd.

Company president Archimedes K. Pellagra said, “If you try to use any of our competitor’s false facts, you’ll only look like an idiot. Here are a few examples of their inferior product.”

*Sheol is the capital of South Korea.

*Hoop snakes only roll down hill when no one’s looking.

*Bonomo’s Turkish Taffy was never made by Turks.

*Henry Mancini wrote “Pop Goes the Weasel.”

*Eating bacon with every meal will help you grow hair.

“Pathetic, isn’t it?” Mr. Pellagra said. “I mean, what is the point of a false fact that everybody knows is false? Whereas our false facts are Genuine False Facts, and if you recite them with enough conviction, it’s almost impossible to disbelieve them.

“Avoid cheap imitations! Our country already has enough real idiots.”

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 1

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Retrospace: TV Guide #8: Feb 12-18, 1977

G’day, welcome to October! Byron the Quokka here–and have we got TV for you! No kidding–you’ll think you died and went to heaven. (Well, maybe not.) Here’s just a wee sample of this weekend’s offerings.

4 P.M.  Ch. 12  DOC MANOOJI–Western

Returning from a house call to Venus, Doc Manooji (George Windex) finds his home town of Batwurst, Arizona, populated by talking trees instead of people. It wouldn’t matter so much, only they never shut up! Mr. Larch: S. Hurok. Miss Maple: Joan Hickson. Little Elm: Ty Hardin

Ch. 19  AMERICAN PROCRASTINATOR–Game show

Contestants try to dilly-dally, dawdle, hem and haw, and fumfer their way to the great prize that hasn’t been delivered yet! Host Ed Mzee will lay out the rules, if he ever shows up. Music by those members of Marve Throneberry’s orchestra who have found their way to the studio.

4:06 P.M.  ANNOYING MOVIE–Psychological warfare

The Bowery Boys meet The Most Boring Man in India (Paul Lynd) in “Avast, Me Hearties” (Serbian, 2004), a movie that has absolutely nothing to do with any nautical subject and was only scheduled for 4:06 to irritate people. The Serbian Army planned to use this film against the Turks. Woody Strode: the Smothers Brothers. Susan Sontag: Heather Locklear.

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 03  STREETS OF HIDEOUS DOOM–Horror/mystery

A most cruel serial killer stalks the streets of Poobah, Vermont. Can the June Taylor Dancers stop him before he kills again? With only one episode, this series won the Shortest Series Award at the Project Mohole Film Festival. Mayor Piffle: Tony Blair. Mrs. Yang: Linda Blair (no relation)

5 P.M.  Ch. 31  THE SCHMENDRICKS–Situation comedy

A door-to-door salesman (John Astin) sells Penelope Schmendrick (this girl who was in my 8th grade class and then moved away) a super-pogo stick–and when Yobo Schmendrick (Lionel Barrymore) comes home from his job at the chariot factory, he finds a huge hole in the living room ceiling… with Penny’s head stuck in it! Paper boy: Fang Hsueh-ting. Papier-mache boy: William Shatner.

Well, now, that’s what I call television! In fact, I don’t know what else to call it.

Meet the Quokka

My cousin Flimzy–she’s camera-shy.

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

 

The Burrowing Rhinoceros (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Violet Crepuscular introduces Chapter DV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, with an extensive list of flaws in her neighbor, Mr. Pitfall’s, character. “He’ll eat your toothpaste sandwich cookies and then just leave you!” she laments. “Or else he’ll just stick around and bug you!”

So much for Chapter DV.

In Chapter DVI, while the American adventurer Willis Twombley is still organizing a safari, the rhinoceros has again crept out from under the vicar’s backyard wading pool and returned to digging burrows all around the property. Twombley would see the brute if he only turned around!

“Someone’s going to fall into one of those burrows and break a leg!” excalibrates Lady Margo Cargo, who already has one wooden leg (upholstered) and would rather not have two. “Quick, darling–there it is!”

Twombley can scarcely conceal his disappointment. “Gol-durnit, honey-child! That ain’t no African rhino!” He wipes the tears from his weather-beaten cheeks. “Hell’s bells, that’s an Indian rhino! Which means I can’t use this here safari: gotta send ’em all home–” some of them have come all the way from Zanzibar, they’re that desperate for work–“and recruit Indian men for a shikari!”

“Couldn’t you just…er… shoot the rhino, now that he’s here? Oooh, he’s digging up my gladiolus! Will you please just shoot the bloomin’ rhino!”

Twombley floxerizes. “No can do, dearie! The rajahs get mad if you shoot their rhinos without their permission. Gotta find the rajah and square it with him. And then go about hiring new bearers and beaters.”

Lady Margo screams (they heard her in Detroit), “There are no flaming rajahs in Scurveyshire!” The chapter ends before she can have full-fledged conniptions.

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 24

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

multiple image galleries

Yo-ho-ho, Byron the Quokka here with a weekend of spectacular TV! Here’s a little sample of what we’ve got lined up for you.

6:15 P.M.  Ch. 55  NIGHTLY GNUS–(Don’t ask)

Everything you want to know about wildebeests! Anchored by Jimmy Fraud–the absolute low point in his career. You don’t know what torment is until you’ve seen a journalist try to interview a gnu!

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  ALL ALONE AT THE MOVIES–Movie reviews

How about those movies that no one gets to see before they’re pulled out of circulation? Movies like Buccaneers vs. Sea Monkeys. Or The June Taylor Dancers Visit the Tomb of Svashnach the Terrible. Your hosts, Joe Collidge and Greta Thunberg, have seen ’em all!

Ch. 21  THE TWADDLERS–Sitcom with metaphysical overtones

Suddenly the Twaddlers have an extra grandpa (Felipe Alou) hiding in the closet! While Spurius (Gabby Hayes) frantically checks the family tree, Flotsam (Heather Locklear) tries to make borscht for the third grandpa before he carries out his threat to speak The Deplorable Word. King Edward III: Art Carney. The Other King Edward: Warren Oates.

7 P.M.  Ch. 16  MOVIE–Really stupid ‘Moby Dick’ wannabe

“Gimme That There Harpoon, Matey!” (Greek, 1951) was the movie that made star Otto Fungus’ career… as a bricklayer. Shot his acting career right down at once. Fungus plays Captain Jehoahaz, the fanatic who pursues a small dogfish called Roscoe but can’t catch him because, well, all dogfish tend to look like. A one-armed man (Barry Manilow) obsessively pursues Cap. Jehoahaz. Song: “Don’t Step on My Coccyx.”

Ch. 35  YOU BET YOUR LASSO!–Western drama/Game show

Before there was any technology to support such a venture, Popstone Studios introduced this “interactive Western.” Audience members were challenged to write letters to the producers suggesting where the plot should go next, and any viewer whose suggestion was used got to guest-star in that episode–usually as Marshall Pete Bazooka’s easily dispensable deputy. He also got some luggage, and a special lunch box with a secret compartment.

Well! I’ll be flabbergasted if these shows don’t give you a whole new perspective on something or other. Make sure you have plenty of nice leaves to munch!

Baby Quokka Eating Ficus Leaf on Rottnest Island Stock Photo - Image of herbivorous, eyes: 201938562

(Fig leaves are good for something besides you-know-what!)

‘Snow White and… Who?’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Fun Ideas for Snow • Pickle Planet Moncton

I’m trying hard to keep nooze off this blog today, although it does seem to be costing me readership. Haven’t clicked on to a single news site this morning.

This afternoon we’re going to watch a movie. Patty has selected one for us. It sounds like it might be something along the lines of Snow White Meets Jurassic Park–and probably you don’t want to be in it if you’re one of the Seven Dwarfs. Sam Neill is in it, though. He attracts dinosaurs.

The picture above indicates that the Dwarfs take shelter in a big plastic box full of cotton, and hide there until the Velociraptors are gone. I’ll bet Snow White winds up taming them! Anyway, I’m always up for dinosaurs. I hope they have a Dryptosaurus.

If you as a reader strongly object to my backing off the nooze on weekends, I guess you’d better let me know. It was Byron the Quokka’s idea, by the way. For once I’ve listened to him.

You Can Be Witty!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

2,696,972 Funny people Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Violet Crepuscular, best-selling romance writer and The Queen of Suspense, is earning a little pocket money by selling a kit “positively guaranteed to make you the king of comedy in your neighborhood!” she declares.

Each Violet’s Witti-Kit includes a big nose with mustache and glasses, a whoopee cushion, one of those things that goes “Bzzzzzt!” when you shake hands, a squirting daisy, a transparent plastic ice cube with a fly in it, and an exclusive four-page pamphlet, “My Favorite Jokes,” by Marvin Fundahl, whoever he was.

The price will make you laugh, too: $24.95 plus postage, handling, and crime suppression. Buy any three chapters of Oy, Rodney and get a 30-cent coupon! (I think it’s for wheat germ.)