Tag: silly TV shows

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 15 REPRINT FROM 2021

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 18th through 24th, 1979

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, hosting your weekend TV festival brought to you by Quokka University, Region AA2 Pick-up Stix champions! Here’s a little sample of what we’ve got lined up for you this weekend:

5 P.M.  Ch. 08  IT AIN’T YOUR DAY–Game show

If you thought Queen For a Day was total trash, wait’ll you see this! One of the guests is a pathological liar; the others are the tragic victims of horrible fates. Can the celebrity panel pick out the phony? If they can’t, we shoot Chuck Connors! Host: Chief Justice Earl Warren. With Turok Son of Stone and his Orchestra of Honkers.

Ch. 14  MY GUN HAS FEELINGS, TOO!–Western

Edgar Buchanan stars as wandering gunslinger Francis X. Sapirstein… who sings his gun to sleep each night and talks to it all day. This week: The Shoggoth Gang (the June Taylor Dancers) put a price on Francis’ head–$3.98–and then try to collect it themselves! Sheriff Lugnuts: Maurice Chevalier.

5:22 P.M.  Ch. 22  GARGLING NEWS–Indescribable

Can you announce the world’s news and gargle at the same time? Anchorwoman Ginger Foogu can! Well, all right, nobody can make head nor tails of what she’s saying–and the commentary by Karl “Chainsaw” Mulligan doesn’t help. But you can always read the newspaper while you’re watching!

6 P.M.  Ch. 43  MOVIE–Jungle adventure

“Vampire of The Lost World” (Mexican, 1963) features Steve Reeves look-alike Jorge Meniscus [Editor: We don’t believe he looks like Steve Reeves] leads an expedition of school children and maniacs into the depths of the New Jersey Pine Barrens in search of a lost city full of vampires–stealthily stalked every step of the way by a Soviet super-spy (Dan Blocker).

6:20 P.M.  Ch. 64  THE BOOGALOOS–Sitcom/Philosophical reflections

Poppa Boogaloo (Carl Sagan) goes into hysterics when he can’t find his lucky tie-clip… and the family’s afraid to tell him that Joody (Donna Reed) is dating a man who sneaks up on people and scares them. Momma: Heather Locklear. Soopy: Dr. Phil. Man Who Sneaks Up on People and Scares Them: Lorne Greene.

Okay, that’s it for free samples! If you want any more, you have to watch it on your TV set.

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Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 2 2021 REPRINT

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1962

Look at this–October already! Time flies when you’re posting TV listings!

Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of intersectional TV–I thought I’d say that and see if it got a rise out of anybody. There’s a wallaby who jumps four feet into the air if he thinks something’s intersectional.

Here’s a little piece of this weekend’s menu.

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 08   BOBBING FOR APPLES–Game Show

It’s looks easy–but in every tub of floating apples, there’s an angry crab! Sooner or later, some contestant’s going to get bitten. Host: Basil III, Byzantine Emperor. Celebrity contestants: Angela Merkel, Bette Davis, Chiang Kai-shek, and a rugose cone from Antarctica.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   MOVIE–Horror

“The Scary Lady Who Chops Off Heads and Eats Them” (Mexican, 1967) features the June Taylor Dancers as sirens who lure unsuspecting randy gentlemen into the clutches of a ravenous space alien (Zsa Zsa Gabor) who looks like Zsa Zsa Gabor. Featured Song: “I Got Plenty of Letter Openers”

Ch. 23   RE-IMAGINE YOUR SOCKS–Drivel

Are you ready to enhance your sock experience? Join your host, a sea cucumber in a tank, as various celebrity guests (celebrities from Burkina Faso: you won’t have heard of them) rhapsodize about what a nice pair of socks really feels like! With John Kerry and his orchestra.

9 P.M.  Ch. 02   I LIVE FACE-DOWN–Crime Drama (Noir)

Cynical, burnt-out private eye Marvin Blah (James Fenimore Cooper) can’t even drag himself out of bed in the morning–so how’s he supposed to solve “The Disappearing Gorgeous Dame Caper”? Superhero Shapeless Blob Man (Richard Crenna) has to use poisonous snakes to get him motivated! Guest star: Venus de Milo (with arms)

Ch. 31  ARE YOU AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK?–Quiz Show

Trick questions like “Who are you?” are bound to trip up stupid famous people when host Monte Hall asks them! Watch career politicians get hopelessly tangled up by posers like “What are you doing?” and “How old are you?” Remember the Congresswoman whose head exploded when asked what time it is!

There! That ought to get you in a TV frame of mind! Aunt Squeezy is visiting us this weekend, so we know we’re going to be watching a lot of TV–in between games of Clue! This quokka really has it in for Col. Mustard–always trying to pin the crime on him. But I digress…

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Gee, I can still see the TV screen from 50 feet away!

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 18

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TV Guide January 1, 1975 E. New... - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with your weekend television offerings by Quokka University. And look at that TV Guide page I posted. At least you can read our listings! Like f’rinstance…

4:30 a.m.  Ch. 03  YOUR FAVORITE CLASSIC TEST PATTERNS–(what do you expect for 4:30 in the morning?)

This is what used to be on TV in the wee hours of the morning. Yes, the programming day had a beginning and an end! There were actually hours with nothing on. Nothing except these. Makes you wonder, eh?

6 a.m.   Ch. 08    SUNRISE SYMPOSIUM–Pseudo-intellectual claptrap

If it wasn’t so early in the morning you’d easily catch out the “panel” as just another bunch of fat-heads. But at 6 a.m., who’s alert enough to catch on? Today: Prof. Anton Gesundheit (voodoo, Canola College) leads the panel in a discussion of  “Are We Providing the Intellectual Window-Dressing the World Needs?” No one seems to know!

6:17 a.m.    Ch. 41  MY FRIEND FLOOKA–A boy and his… what?

Forget Lassie and Fury! Flooka is a Brachiosaurus, 25 feet high, 65 feet long, and absolutely devoted to his human friend, Yongari (named for a movie monster–what were his parents thinking?). This week: Yongari (Fong Hsueh-Ding) gets caught in quicksand. Will Flooka, with a brain no bigger than a ping-pong ball, be able to figure out how to rescue him?  Gramps: Justin Trudeau. Fudgie the Whale: Gertrude Stein.

I’m stopping here, folks, because I found a classic test pattern and wanted you to see it. Some of you weren’t born in time to see some of these.

220 Television Test Pattern Stock Photos, High-Res Pictures ...

I always wondered what the guy in the head-dress was all about. We don’t have anyone like that on Rotnest Island.

Oh, well–Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 11

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G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here with this weekend’s spectacular TV lineup offered by Quokka University. Compare our sample with that stuff from 1964 (see above).

9:27 a.m.   Ch. 42   AREL UZBEK LIVE!–Talk like you never heard before

The popular Central Asian talk show host sets up shop in Gary, Indiana! This morning’s guests: A man who’s never owned a camel but always wanted one; Sidney Blumenthal; a nameless woman who eats Milk Bones dog biscuits.

9:30 a.m.  Ch. 16   MOVIE–Indescribable horror and suspense

In El Cid Meets the Mummy (Honduran/Danish, 1974: 164 minutes), Spain’s national hero (Buddy Hackett) goes up against a rampaging mummy (Marjorie Maine) that’s turning Boston into a ghost town! Head Ghost: Laura Dern. Man Who Looks Like Groucho Marx: Harry Washtub.

10:50 p.m.  Ch. 23   ROLLER DERBY BASEBALL–Sports (sort of)

What happens when you mix roller derby with baseball? Tune in and find out! Play-by-play guy Arnold Potsdam takes you through this week’s hot game, featuring the Lansing Boyles vs. the Syracuse Pharisees. Special guest: Edith Swonk, lifetime record-holder for in-game suspensions. Sponsored by Big Ape Chewing Gum.

11:12 a.m.   Ch. 06   CRYBABY KOSTRO–Western

Who’s the fastest gun in Finrod Beach, North Carolina? Frank Buttocks stars as Crybaby while the rest of the cast tries to explain how the North Carolina coast can possibly be the locale for a Western. This week: Some guy from another Western (Clint Eastwood) has to be shot when he makes a lewd remark in the Finrod Saloon.

Well, folks, there’s your sample! If you’re lookin’ for fabulous TV, your search has ended.

I’d be happier if they let us post still photos! But an ear of corn on the cob covers a multitude of sins.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 13

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 21st through 27th ...

G’day, everybody! Are you settling into the new year? Are you looking for some great TV? Byron the Quokka here to help you find it. Like so:

6:42 P.M.  Ch. 08  THE BANNED BAND–Variety, music

When was the last time you heard The Toilet Fixtures sing The Curse of an Aching Coccyx? Or Chucky Shooboo and Windex performing I’ve Got Hives in Hard-to-Get-At Places? Check it out! Your Host: A man with an uncanny resemblance to a poached egg.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 15  NEWS WITH GOGGLES–(Exactly what it sounds like)

If you’re one of those viewers who always thought news shows would be much, much better if everyone on screen wore goggles–well, your ship has come in! From anchorwoman Kathy Frogface down to the poor sod who has to plug in the overhead mike, they’re all in goggles! Even the sponsors.

7 P.M.  Ch. 34  UNEXPLAINED MYSTERIES THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT–Ideal for hospital patients too weak to change channels

Have you ever wondered why there are no oceans on land? Or how come there are no fairies in Balmy Beach, Kansas? They couldn’t get Leonard Nimoy, but your host, Sid Pankovitz, looks enough like Nimoy to be his third cousin once removed. How about that? Another unexplained mystery!

7:10 P.M.  Ch. 52  MOVIE–Rip-roaring Western with hand puppets

Mao Tse-tung’s hairdresser used all his influence to get this 220-minute hand-puppet Western made in 1966… only to be executed after the critics roasted it. Features the voices of various Chinese celebrities completely unknown to Western audiences! Plus musical themes stolen from American TV Westerns like The Rifleman, Rawhide, and A Midsummer Night’s Dream. The remake is said to include a plot, but we don’t believe it.

Is that enough to get you started, folks? I’m gonna watch ’em all!

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Grab some leaves and we’re good to go! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 7

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1970

G’day and Happy New Year! Byron the Quokka here, as Quokka University launches another year’s worth of awesome television. Like these:

7:05 P.M  Ch. 21   DAY OF HORRIBLE DISASTER–Depressing documentary

When “The Baseball Bunch” met with a cove full of ravenous great white sharks instead of Jim Fregosi at his swimming pool, the ensuing carnage almost caused the show to be canceled! Survivor Brett “Stumpy” Wilson  recalls the carnage. Host: The guy who plays the Man from Glad.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 30  SCAM ARTISTS’ NEWS–News with community service

You hated them when they called you up in the middle of your suppertime and tried to sell you time shares. But these obnoxious robots have now been reprogrammed to report the news! And they’re no more honest than they were as phone scammers. Tonight: Why You Need a Discover Card from The Discover Card Office.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 06   JURASSIC TRAILER PARK–Drama

Those rampaging dinosaurs have by now been trained to live in a trailer park near Patooty, W. Virginia. Tonight: T. rex has a beef with the trash collection schedule and takes it out on Dr. Mushly (Don Knotts). And Ms. Stegosaurus drives the other dinosaurs violently insane with her non-stop Loretta Lynn impersonations. Ducky Medwick: himself. Featured: The June Taylor Dancers perform their famous impressions of Ankylosaurus and Triceratops.

Ch. 14   MY CAT’S SMARTER THAN YOURS!–Game show

Dubbed “the world’s greatest exercise in futility since they built a whole pyramid out of confetti,” this show features a whole studio full of cats whose owners try to get them to perform complicated tricks! With the banquet table heaped high with strongly-scented fish. Host: Kitty Carlisle. Stranger on a train: Robert Walker.

8 P.M.  Ch. 57   MOVIE–Western, with overtones of Schopenhauer

In “Dadburn Those Stupid Cowboys!”, a wealthy cattle magnate (Lee J. Cobb) hires the world’s stupidest cowboys to drive his herd to Sedalia, MO–so how did they end up in Old Bridge, NJ? Trail boss: Moe Howard. Cook: Dame Judith Anderson. The Pathfinder: (Role left vacant: he got lost on the way to the studio). Featured song: “I’ve Got Really Ugly Saddle Sores!” by Souvanna Phouma and his orchestra.

Well, now–is that a brilliant weekend lineup, or is it just another load of baloney? Did I mention Curly has a cameo as Schopenhauer? Maybe I shouldn’t have…

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Mother And Baby Quokka Eating Green Twigs Cute Quokkas On Rottnest Island Western Australia Stock Photo - Download Image Now

Me and Aunt Foozy sharing a tasty twig!

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 31

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 21st through 27th, 1981

G’day! And next time I see you, it’ll be next year!

Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s snatched-from-obscurity TV shows… Just the thing for while you’re waiting for the ball to drop. Here’s the merest sample!

8 P.M.  Ch. 09  DAG NABBIT!–Drama, comedy, whatever

Dag Nabbit (Ken Singleton) is a 14th-century Swedish diplomat brought back to life and made mayor of Nutworks, Mississippi. This week: Dag has a revolting zoning board on his hands. Maggie: Theda Bara. Hyena Man: Telly Savalas,

Ch. 12  JIMMY FRAUD’S NEW YEAR’S SPECIAL–Variety

Live from the Schmeer Street Industrial Park in Nogottum, NJ! See the June Taylor Dancers dance to the beat of heavy metal, provided by Mrs. Sphagnum’s fourth-grade class! See Jimmy balance a glass of some unmentionable substance on his forehead! See if anyone else shows up.

8:07 P.M.  Ch. 16  NEWS WITH FRANKENSTEIN–News with monsters

Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolf Man anchor this news desk, along with Warner Wolf for Sports and Fannie Fox for Weather. Tonight: Reporter Todd Tadpole tracks Britain’s mysterious Goat Man… and Goat Man tracks him. A-Woooooo! That’s scary!

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 26  MOVIE–Historical Melodrama

Jimmy Durante stars as Haakon the Bold in Four Kings of Norway That Even Norwegians Never Heard Of (Swedish-Cambodian, 2017). Haakon is best known for nothing at all! Queen Hortense: Dinah Shore. King Orville of Some Frozen Place in Russia: Billy Martin. Featured Song: “Froze My Coccyx Off!” (Bill Bongle and the Balladeers)

9 P.M.   Ch. 03  PLACES THAT ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING–Travelogue

Critics said it was “intolerably boring,” but stay with it! Host Judy Fooseball takes you from Nick’s Bowling Alley in Los Borrachos, California, to the municipal landfill outside Dogbreath Township, Maryland–and is never more than a sigh or a gulp away from an emotional scene to turn the whole business into a monstrous travesty. Directed by the guy who wrote the forward to my Chinese 101 primer in college.

How’s that for ending the year with a bang? Here on Rottnest Island we like to inflate paper bags and then pop them–that’s how we do New Year’s. It does beat getting stepped on in Times Square.

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Happy New Year from Byron and all the other quokkas!

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 26

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with fantastic weekend television brought to you by Quokka University… where all we do, really, is hunt up rare TV shows, never mind teaching courses. Anyhow, here are some samples:

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  SLAPSTICK NEWS–A news show, sort of

Finally! You don’t have to sit there growling and fuming as the news anchor talks down to you and tells lies. Here, the anchormen and anchorwomen stand a good chance of getting a pie in the face! You’ll know who it’s going to be, but the victim won’t. Dan Rather, Walter Cronkite, Paula Zahn–splat! Take that, motormouth!

Ch. 14  BACKYARD SAFARI–For children and goofy adults

Who needs rhinos and lions and giraffes when you’ve got ants, aphids, and starlings? It’s a lot cheaper, too! Join great white hunter Abe Vigoda as he sidesteps a charging ground beetle and bags an earthworm with his shotgun Celebrity guest: Sandra Day O’Connor. Bearer: Yogi Bearer (get it?).

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 29  FOREIGN MOVIES IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES–Pretentious twaddle

Impress your friends! Watch Bergman’s Wild Strawberries in the original Swedish, no subtitles, no dubbing, and say things like “Some of the subtler nuances don’t translate all that well.” Do the same with Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress and they’ll gasp in awe! Host: Marcel Marceau.

7 P.M.  Ch. 12  SERPENT PEOPLE OF VALUSIA–Sitcom

Hanky (Andre the Giant) wants a tricycle for his birthday, but Mozgush and Doblast (Arthur C. Clarke, Sonja Henie) have already bought him a king-sized hamster wheel. Uncle Hisstah (Frank Botox) is called in to make peace! Provider of Superfluous Exclamation Points: Joyce Carol Oates.

7:04 P.M. Ch. 42  SAGEBRUSH SAM–Underwater Western

People didn’t dig this when it came out in 1964, but Sagebrush Sam, TV’s first underwater Western, is now arguably the most popular show in television history. This week: Can Marshal Dan Schimmelpfennig (Don Adams) hold his breath long enough to burst into the Sea Horse Saloon and arrest manic gunslinger Nijam Mohandalakshiraj (Richard Simmons) for copyright infringement? Can he hold his breath long enough to say the name? Sparky: Shari Lewis. The June Taylor Dancers: The Elvira Pushcart Dancers.

Boy, oh, boy! I can’t wait to hunker down in front of my TV set with a handful of tasty leaves and bubble gum!

74 Quokka Eating A Leaf Images, Stock Photos & Vectors ...

This looks like a good one. See you next week!

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 8

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TV Guide Oct 2, 1970 | Program pages from the Minneapolis-St… | Flickr

G’day, g’day, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here, with absolutely the very best in television, the best shows of the last 800 years! Brought to you by Quokka University, where a degree in Nothing Studies means just that.

Behold a few samples:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02  THE MICROBES–(Best sitcom ever)

Kate Smith and Stan Laurel star as Alice and Jerry Microbe, whose neighbors can’t see them without a microscope! (I don’t know why they put in that exclamation point. Someone please take it away.) This week: Alice gets lost in Mrs. Moseby’s rug. Mrs. Moseby: Shari Lewis. Sasquatch: Harold Stassen.

Ch. 08  THE NEWS IN DANCE–News & commentary

Join the June Taylor Dancers in presenting and analyzing the world’s news in interpretive dance! Tonight: Turkey, Paraguay sign non-aggression pact; Congress investigates pro wrestling match-fixing scandal; 450-pound pole vaulter sets record. Song: “Old MacDonald Had a Farm.”

7:42 P.M.  Ch. 17  MOVIE–Science fiction

In “Able was I, Ere I Saw Elba” (Hong Kong, 1975), the Shaw Brothers’ five-hour epic, kung-fu meets string theory. A drunken guard (Luis Tiant) falls in love with a pineapple from another dimension (Linda Hunt), who is able to look sort of like a woman when the mood takes her. Together they plot to bring back Napoleon Bonaparte (Gabe Kaplan)! Too bad they only brought back half of him… Mrs. Hsing: Li Lo Liang.

8 P.M.  Ch. 46  GET RICH QUICK!–Self-improvement

Host Alan Diphthong filmed 12 of these episodes before he was sent to prison for fraud. Tonight’s projects: raising fleas for sale to flea circuses; a radish farmer in California switches over to taking money not to scare small children; start your own sky-diving school. Special guest: Bill Moyers.

Ch. 52  KNIT THE RAVELED SLEEVE OF CARE–Game show

It’s celebrities Chuck Connors, Abe Ribikoff, and Sally Field against three schlubs from the studio audience in a battle to see which team can stay awake longest through a reading of Silas Marner by a not-very-talented W.C. Fields impersonator. Winning team gets Batman wrist watches! Losing team gets doused with ice-cold water. Host: Porky Pig (don’t ask).

Well, if you think these are great shows, wait’ll you see the ones I haven’t written previews for! One of our emus went hog-wild after just half an hour’s viewing.

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Happy viewing! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Memory Lane: ‘Phantom Agents’

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Phantom Agents used guns as last resort | cars4starters

The nooze has worn me down this week, I can’t help it. I need something to laugh at.

Ah! Phantom Agents! I can certainly laugh at that. It may well have been the silliest TV show ever produced.

The agents were ninjas (!) employed by the Japanese government to put down secret societies of bad guys. They tried never to shoot anyone–because, after all, “We’re phantom agents!”–and always used traditional ninja weapons.

They also had the ability to jump backwards 20 feet into the air and land on tree branches, which never broke or bounced them back, and could even leap backwards out of deep water to land on the deck of a ship. They could camouflage themselves by standing in front of a brick wall and holding up a kind of blanket with bricks printed on it. This always fooled their incredibly gullible enemies.

This monstrosity was on TV for two years, 1964-66. I watched it because it was hilarious. There are still a few clips available on YouTube, mostly in Japanese.

Unreliable sources report that Joe Biden watches it “religiously” and must be restrained from trying to leap backwards into trees.