I amb so “sick” Of al this hear Chrismiss meusick it “Is” Racist!!and yiu jist cant “get” Aweigh fromb it!!!! even hear At collidge!! So i done a Pro Test,, i puntched A snoman!!! and sum boddy he Seen me and assked watts “The” mater so i Toleded him and he sayed “”Wat yiu neeed “is” to vizzit the Fewture,” becose “in” “The” “Fewture thare woont be no Chrismiss and no relijjin ether!” Whell how wil i doo “that”? i assked and he sayed Comb on, “Isle show yiu!!”
He haved this hear grate Big cradbored Bocks whith lotsa diels on it and he sayed “this hear it “is” my Time Masheen it can taik yiu intwo The Fewture and i amb lookin four sumboddy to tesst It!!” Al yiu has to do is get in-side and then he “willl” tern it On and yiu wil comb out In The Fewture!! So i got in-side and he “cloased” it and sayed “”Hear Gose!!!!!”
Affter a wile he oapinned it Agen and sayed “Now comb out,, Yiu are In the Fewture!!”
Whel i caime out and evry Thing it loocked the saime butt he sayed nevver mined that,, “My Masheen it reely works!!! Lookit my whatch! My Masheen it brung yiu fyve 5 minnits intwo The Fewture!!”” Butt that was tuff four me becose i cutt that coarse on how to tel Time on a whatch and the diels on the masheen they warnt no good ether and i sayed “Dint yiu just drawed themb On the bocks whith a Crayon or sumthing?!?” butt he sayed yiu has to draw themb ottherwhys thay whil jist “Fall Off” wile yiu are Travellling “thoruoghh” Time!!! “that is whye nun of themb otther Time Masheens thay nevver combed back!!””
I whanted to know can “this” Masheen taik me yeers and yeers intwo The Fewture whith Yewtopier and no moar Relijin and he sayed Of “corse it Can, yiu jist got to stay Inside “it” fore yeers and yeers” and i assked butt woont I “get” oaled??? Bhut “that” it is “one of” The Riskes of Time Travvle!!!!
Well, here we are again, first day of another year. We’ve got rack of lamb for dinner; and, as is our custom, we’ll watch The Time Machine this afternoon, the 1960 movie starring Rod Taylor and Yvette Mimieux.
Don’t get me wrong: the theology of this movie is totally off-base. A 19th-century inventor creates a time machine and travels some 800,000 years into the future. There he finds the human race split into two separate but unequal offshoots. The hideous Morlocks provide the childlike Eloi with everything they need–can you say “Universal Basic Income”?–and then… eat them. Both races have been debased by the evil system they’ve devised. Sound familiar?
The thing that makes this movie work is the fantastic sets, and special effects, by George Pal, altogether believable. You have to take the story with a boxcar-load of grains of salt, but the sets are awesome. I used to dream of finding Morlock-holes in Edgar woods. I’m rather glad I didn’t.
Anyway, this is one of those movies that totally succeeds in providing 90 minutes’ worth of pure escape.
Just don’t take it seriously. The only thing serious about it is its errors. But we’re hip to those, so we enjoy it.
The thing about Artificial Intelligence is, it’s not intelligence at all; it’s just a mindless simulation of intelligence. So unless the human programmer equips the machine with the knowledge that there’s no such thing as time-travel–you’d have to do it that way, because you can’t equip it with common sense–it will react to the appearance of time-travel as if it were real.
Which is just what this computer did, five years ago.
If you’re stuck for a gift for yourself, once again it’s Acme False Facts to the rescue!
If you want people to think you’re really smart, because you know a lot of things that they don’t know, or never even imagined, just stand up straight, shoulders back, chest out, look ’em in the eye, and trot out one of these certified genuine False Facts.
Here are a couple of tantalizing examples from False Facts 5.0:
*Elizabeth Warren’s proposed 70% tax rate will still leave you with 85% of your money, according to scientific economists at Fimbo State University.
*Frog DNA added to your toothpaste, when consumed in sufficient quantity, will cause your gender to change spontaneously.
*The ancient Egyptians had cell phones. You could look it up.
*The first functioning time machine was built in 1625 by an Irish bishop, who used it to journey into the future. He has not yet returned.
*There is no such place as Hungary.
Remember, it’s not what you say, but how authoritatively you say it! Every politician, climate scientist, and used car salesman knows that.
To you it may look like just a cardboard box. The cat thinks so, too. But in fact it’s the world’s cheapest working time machine.
Close the flaps, activate the secret power source (sorry, can’t tell you unless you buy it), and send the unsuspecting cat into the future. It takes five minutes, for example, to send the cat five minutes into the future.
The cost is negotiable. I’ll take pretty much anything.
(When I pitched this concept, years ago, to my wife and to my brother-in-law, they laughed themselves silly. I don’t get no respect.)
Remember this one, from three years ago? Thinking to drive through a “time portal,” some poor wacko in Florida crashed his car into one store and then through the wall into another before it finally stopped.
Yes, he told police he was trying to time-travel. I don’t know what kind of answer he expected. “Oh, well, in that case, my boy, let me just tear up this ticket! A little time-traveling mishap can happen to anyone!”
How scared would we be if we knew exactly how many really loopy people are running around loose out there? And what do you suppose it is that’s making them so loopy?
I’m putting my money on a culture that has cut its moorings to God.
P.S.–At least one reader thought this item was a satire. It’s not.
Wel i has reely did it now!!! I amb going “to” Change The Whorld!!
To day this hear guy he mayjers in Physick and he “says to”” me do i Want to “buy” a Time Mashine! and i say “butt it is jist a Card Bord Box!” and he say “no It only Looks “like a” Card Bord Box acterly it is a Time Mashine and yiu can Travel In Time, i wil Selll it to yiu for jist $5 dollars and than yiu “can” Travel Inta the Futchure!! wel i didnt Have no $5 dollars whitch is becose of Inequallity and i think reel hard and i says Butt “how do i know It werks??” and he sayed Simpal, jist clime in and close It Up afftar yiu and wen yiu come out agian it will be the Futcher!!” and i say OK butt how wil i know its reely the Futchure??
So he shoes me His whatch and sayes “Look waht Time is it now?” butt i am not so Good At “telling Time,” thay didnt teech me it in Gender Studies so i had to ask and he toled me It “is now” 2:12 p.m. jist go in the Box and close it” whitch Is whatt i done and thare I amb in Side the Box and i thohght i was In It “kind of” long but than he sayed “Now opin the Box and clime out and see waht Time it is now” and Holy Cow! “It is 2:15 P.m. yiu has travvled 3 minits inta The Futchure!!”
Wel finely he selled it to me for jist #1 dollar and 26 scents witch was al I had butt now I can travvle into the Futchure!!!! I whanted to Thank him but than he “went Away” reel fast!
And So hear’s waht i amb going to Do!! I amb going to travvle Inta The Futchure and Stop Donold trump from evver being Borne so he cant get Elecktid Pressadint and Hillery she “wil be” Our Pressadint insted!!!
and al them dum and stopid peple whoo vhoted for him Thay wil get a reel supprise that thay wont like!!!
Might he have consumed a bit more science fiction than was good for him? Or maybe he just missed the portal.
There is a strong suspicion that this driver might be a bit tetched, a few oars short of a trireme, but I have another theory.
I think this guy bought into the post-modern creed, energetically promoted by universities and collidges throughout the land, that reality itself is only a social construct. Reality isn’t really real. It’s only whatever you think it is.
The man’s car would tell you otherwise. Gee, talking cars would fit right into this scheme of things.
As an aside–funny, isn’t it, that businesses dealing with death and taxes were right next door to one another.
And aren’t you glad this had nothing to do with your Christmas week?