Tag: Byron’s TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 28

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The Essential TV Guide Fall Preview Issues of the 80s, Part 9: 1985! | Branded in the 80s

G’day, everybody–Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of life-altering TV programs brought to you by Quokka University. Would you believe these great shows have been left just lying around? Here’s a sample:

6 P.M.  Ch. 02  CHUCKLEHEAD NEWS–(Self-explanatory)

They’re not the least bit embarrassed by the label “Chucklehead”! This crack news team, assembled by anchor Jimmy Fraud, has a motto: “We’re honest about our dishonesty! We tell the truth about our lies!” Uh, wait a minute… Isn’t that two mottos?

Ch. 08  MOVIE–Apocalyptic vision 

In “The Attack of the Co-ed Dinosaurs” (French-Tasmanian, 1958), they went overboard in the cutting room and tossed out all but 20 minutes of this film–but it’s a great 20 minutes! Eddie Albert stars as a man in a rubber tyrannosaur suit who terrorizes a small town dominated by Rosemary Clooney and her songs. Directed by the United Nations.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 15  GENGHIS!–Sitcom

Genghis Khan (William Shatner) retires as a world conqueror and moves to Speedwell, New Jersey, to raise guinea pigs. This week: Mrs. Genghis (Jane Austen) and her mother-in-law (Willa Cather) get arrested for practicing alchemy and not getting any better at it. Will the Khan bail them out? Chief Mogan: Liberace. Speedwell Police Force: the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 33  SURVIVE IF YOU CAN!–Game show

Follow the fun with emcee Sandy Duncan as contestants are stranded on tiny islands populated by army ants, poisonous snakes, hideous tropical diseases, and ferocious tribes of cannibals–and the one who lives the longest wins a Fogo Industries Prefab Tool Shed!

7 P.M.  Ch. 61  PARANORMAL PETE–Explorations of the unknown

A ghost haunts a stapler; a Good Humor man can’t remember his past life as Brad Pitt; did extraterrestrials build the Macy’s department store in Grogboro, Iowa, that no one else remembers building? Pete Runnels explores these and other unexplained mysteries that no one can figure out! Guest: Susan Duckweed.

Well, there you are! Whoever called TV a vast wasteland obviously never saw any of these shows!

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(I love that bicycle!) Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 21

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multiple image galleries

G’day! Herman the Giant Millipede here, filling in for Byron the Quokka, who’s–oh, never mind, here he comes!

Thank you, Herman. Sorry I’m late, folks. Without any more ado, here are samples of Quokka University’s weekend television treasures.

7 P.M.  Ch. 03   WINNING AT CHESS BY MAKING GROTESQUE FACES–(It is what it sounds like)

He may not be a grand master or even a mediocre chess player… but he can turn his face practically inside-out. Yes, it’s Joey Tkachvaevsky, who has literally made some of his opponents faint when they see his antics. Warning: not the show for children, they’ll have nightmares for a week!

Ch. 08  PROJECT MOHOLE: CONTINUED!–Science news

Remember Project Mohole, way back when? You used to read about it in “My Weekly Reader.” And then they shut it down because it just didn’t seem like a good way to spend money anymore. But Angelo “Bud” MacChesney, armed with pick and shovel, now digs where Mohole left off–and he’s on his way down, all the way down to the Moho Discontinuity, where things happen that can’t be explained here. Song: “I’m in the Mood for Contortions.”

7:18 P.M.   Ch. 22   NEWS WITH PETER THE HERMIT–Supernatural

He’s not into leading children’s crusades anymore! Now, through professional medium Donna Glutenbauer, Peter the Hermit delivers “News from the Other Side.” Find out what some of history’s most famous dead people have been doing in the last thousand years or so. Critical response runs the gamut from “A shameful fraud” to “Someone needs to go to jail for this!”

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 09   N.Y. METS VS. STELTON CADAVERS–Bladderball

The new game that’s taking professional sports by storm! Rubber bladders filled with sticky diet soda–how far can a baserunner get before somebody breaks a “bladder” over his head? Play-by-play: Jane Austen. Color commentary: Richard “I swear I’ll kill my agent!” Burton. With Maury Povitch and his orchestra.

8 P.M.  Ch. 56   MOVIE–Shakespearean science-fiction with marbles

In “Who Done Do My Tragedy” (Taiwanese, 1998), King Lear (Charles Bronson) is taken aboard a Klingon starship and taught how to “Zmumzowee.” Will it be enough to put things right? Master Gukakk: Roddy McDowell. Capt. Yashyash: Sandy Duncan. Cordelia: Barbara Stanwyck. Duke Snider: Scatman Crothers. Special appearance, having absolutely nothing to do with the plot, by the June Taylor Dancers.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, how do you like those apples? I mean, you can chew up your whole weekend just watching these fabulous TV shows! I’ll bet I will

6 Surprising Facts About Quokkas

Baby picture, Mom & me… quite some years ago! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 14

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

tv guide sears portrait studio 1987

G’day, g’day, calloo, callay! Byron the Quokka here, with weekend TV guaranteed to blow your socks off! Here’s a small sample:

5 P.M.  Ch. 06  ROLLER DERBY NEWS–Waddaya think? News + roller derby

You want to be informed, so you watch the news. You want to relax and enjoy life, so you watch roller derby. This show lets you do both at once! Today: Strategic Arms Limitation Talks; and the Oklahoma City Manglers take on the Maine Coon Cats. Anchor: Randomly selected from the audience.

Ch. 11  Movie–Science fiction with stock footage

In “Here Come Those Dagnabbed Mammoths Again!” (Bolivian, 1967), rampaging woolly mammoths flatten the same Indian village every time the poor sods rebuild it. Is the solution to be found in Elmer’s Glue? Sylvia Porter: Raquel Welch. Louis Rukeyser: Mike Mazurki. Village people: The Village People.

5:30 P.M.  Ch. 41  SQUANDER!–Game show

Contestants start out with $50,000 each and have only 20 minutes in Jim Bob’s Dept. Store in which to spend it. First to spend the whole $50K gets to keep the money; losers have to keep the things they bought–and pay for it! Host: Edgar Allan Poe. With Francisco Franco and his Orchestra.

Ch. 16  THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD–Comedy/drama

Rocky (Al Roker) and Debi (Linda Hunt) fight back when The June Taylor Dancers go mad and start stomping everybody’s front lawns. Sgt. Foozle: George Raft. Two gentlemen from Verona: two gentlemen from Keasby, NJ. Song: “I Can’t Get No Stupefaction.”

6 P.M.  Ch. 76  FASTER, FASTER, WAGON-MASTER!–Western

This show was internationally condemned as a ham-fisted ripoff of Wagon Train when it came out in 1960; but since the 2020 discovery that Wagon-Master had been secretly produced by the Royal Shakespeare Company, now the critics like it. Tonight: Major Binky (Soupy Sales) has a revolt on his hands: people don’t want to pull their own wagons anymore. Mrs. Gesundheit: Dame Judith Anderson. The Gargoyle Twins: (don’t ask).

Well, that should do it for you! Certainly does it for me!

Meet The Quokka, The Smiling Marsupial Of Western Australia

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 7

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1970

G’day and Happy New Year! Byron the Quokka here, as Quokka University launches another year’s worth of awesome television. Like these:

7:05 P.M  Ch. 21   DAY OF HORRIBLE DISASTER–Depressing documentary

When “The Baseball Bunch” met with a cove full of ravenous great white sharks instead of Jim Fregosi at his swimming pool, the ensuing carnage almost caused the show to be canceled! Survivor Brett “Stumpy” Wilson  recalls the carnage. Host: The guy who plays the Man from Glad.

7:15 P.M.  Ch. 30  SCAM ARTISTS’ NEWS–News with community service

You hated them when they called you up in the middle of your suppertime and tried to sell you time shares. But these obnoxious robots have now been reprogrammed to report the news! And they’re no more honest than they were as phone scammers. Tonight: Why You Need a Discover Card from The Discover Card Office.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 06   JURASSIC TRAILER PARK–Drama

Those rampaging dinosaurs have by now been trained to live in a trailer park near Patooty, W. Virginia. Tonight: T. rex has a beef with the trash collection schedule and takes it out on Dr. Mushly (Don Knotts). And Ms. Stegosaurus drives the other dinosaurs violently insane with her non-stop Loretta Lynn impersonations. Ducky Medwick: himself. Featured: The June Taylor Dancers perform their famous impressions of Ankylosaurus and Triceratops.

Ch. 14   MY CAT’S SMARTER THAN YOURS!–Game show

Dubbed “the world’s greatest exercise in futility since they built a whole pyramid out of confetti,” this show features a whole studio full of cats whose owners try to get them to perform complicated tricks! With the banquet table heaped high with strongly-scented fish. Host: Kitty Carlisle. Stranger on a train: Robert Walker.

8 P.M.  Ch. 57   MOVIE–Western, with overtones of Schopenhauer

In “Dadburn Those Stupid Cowboys!”, a wealthy cattle magnate (Lee J. Cobb) hires the world’s stupidest cowboys to drive his herd to Sedalia, MO–so how did they end up in Old Bridge, NJ? Trail boss: Moe Howard. Cook: Dame Judith Anderson. The Pathfinder: (Role left vacant: he got lost on the way to the studio). Featured song: “I’ve Got Really Ugly Saddle Sores!” by Souvanna Phouma and his orchestra.

Well, now–is that a brilliant weekend lineup, or is it just another load of baloney? Did I mention Curly has a cameo as Schopenhauer? Maybe I shouldn’t have…

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Mother And Baby Quokka Eating Green Twigs Cute Quokkas On Rottnest Island Western Australia Stock Photo - Download Image Now

Me and Aunt Foozy sharing a tasty twig!

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 31

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 21st through 27th, 1981

G’day! And next time I see you, it’ll be next year!

Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s snatched-from-obscurity TV shows… Just the thing for while you’re waiting for the ball to drop. Here’s the merest sample!

8 P.M.  Ch. 09  DAG NABBIT!–Drama, comedy, whatever

Dag Nabbit (Ken Singleton) is a 14th-century Swedish diplomat brought back to life and made mayor of Nutworks, Mississippi. This week: Dag has a revolting zoning board on his hands. Maggie: Theda Bara. Hyena Man: Telly Savalas,

Ch. 12  JIMMY FRAUD’S NEW YEAR’S SPECIAL–Variety

Live from the Schmeer Street Industrial Park in Nogottum, NJ! See the June Taylor Dancers dance to the beat of heavy metal, provided by Mrs. Sphagnum’s fourth-grade class! See Jimmy balance a glass of some unmentionable substance on his forehead! See if anyone else shows up.

8:07 P.M.  Ch. 16  NEWS WITH FRANKENSTEIN–News with monsters

Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolf Man anchor this news desk, along with Warner Wolf for Sports and Fannie Fox for Weather. Tonight: Reporter Todd Tadpole tracks Britain’s mysterious Goat Man… and Goat Man tracks him. A-Woooooo! That’s scary!

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 26  MOVIE–Historical Melodrama

Jimmy Durante stars as Haakon the Bold in Four Kings of Norway That Even Norwegians Never Heard Of (Swedish-Cambodian, 2017). Haakon is best known for nothing at all! Queen Hortense: Dinah Shore. King Orville of Some Frozen Place in Russia: Billy Martin. Featured Song: “Froze My Coccyx Off!” (Bill Bongle and the Balladeers)

9 P.M.   Ch. 03  PLACES THAT ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING–Travelogue

Critics said it was “intolerably boring,” but stay with it! Host Judy Fooseball takes you from Nick’s Bowling Alley in Los Borrachos, California, to the municipal landfill outside Dogbreath Township, Maryland–and is never more than a sigh or a gulp away from an emotional scene to turn the whole business into a monstrous travesty. Directed by the guy who wrote the forward to my Chinese 101 primer in college.

How’s that for ending the year with a bang? Here on Rottnest Island we like to inflate paper bags and then pop them–that’s how we do New Year’s. It does beat getting stepped on in Times Square.

2,534 Quokka Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Happy New Year from Byron and all the other quokkas!

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 17

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide listing for NYC, early Friday evening September 17 (1971) : r/VintageTV

Holy moly, it’s almost Christmas! Time to line the ol’ nest with some fresh grass. And time to sit back and groove on some of these great TV shows collected by Quokka University.

7:34 P.M.  Ch. 72   MOVIE–Indescribable (good luck with it)

Ignore those mean-spirited critics who said Sammy the Samurai (Bolivian, 1982) was “what a movie would look like if monkeys made it.” Leo Gorcey plays a demoralized samurai searching for pastrami. Mr. Greenjeans: Gil Hodges. Doris the Tree Sloth: Heather Locklear. Man with lots of hang-ups: Bill Harzia.

7:45 P.M.  Ch. 16   TOTALLY MADE-UP NEWS THAT WON’T FOOL ANYONE–News

Join co-anchors Bud Abbot and Lou Costello for the absolute worst in TV journalism! Really, if you believe anything this show reports, you need a rubber room. Sports: Chiang Kai-shek. Weather: Sandy Duncan. Featured: the June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 08   CELEBRITY PARKING–Game Show

Which of the celebrity contestants will find and claim the only open parking space in Metuchen, NJ? Better succeed! Losers are put to death. Tonight’s contestants: Whoopi Goldberg, Cher, Keith Olberman, Madame Pompadour, Taras Bulba. Host: Some poor guy with a lot of parasites.

Ch. 14   MY LITTLE MUMSY–Sitcom

Mumsy is a 45-foot-long sea serpent that doesn’t like living on land–and in the suburbs, no less. Her “mommy” (Debbie Reyolds) and “daddy” (Warren G. Harding) have to protect her from Captain Ahab (Tim Conway), fanatic with a harpoon. Tonight: Mumsy destroys the local 7-11.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 25   SPARKY THE CAT–Superhero series

Bugs McGrew (believed to be played by Sir Ralph Richardson) by day is a non-entity in charge of America’s nuclear arsenal. But when he squeezes the catnip mouse in his pocket, the transforms instantly into Sparky the Cat! This week: Sparky gets tangled up in Bugs’ clothes and unknowingly hits the “Launch” button.

Well, you can’t beat these, can you? I know I can’t!

Quokka photos by Alex Cearns perfect for 2020 | news.com.au — Australia's leading news site

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 3

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Great 70's TV lineup!! | Tv guide, Vintage tv, Classic television

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and if you’re not out Christmas shopping, or if you’ve been shopping and you’re tuckered out, Quokka University has just what you need! Great TV shows, of course. Like these.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 05  COUNTRY QUACK–Tasteless sitcom

Doc Fugu (H. P. Lovecraft) convinces Mrs. Wadman (Rita Moreno) that she’s given birth to kittens; but he’s unwittingly started a feud with Mrs. Shrike (Debbie Reynolds), who last year supposedly gave birth to eight baby rabbits. Watch the June Taylor Dancers get caught in the crossfire!

Ch. 10  NEWS WITH BATTLIN’ BILLY–News and fisticuffs

The famous baseball manager (oh, come on, he’s famous! you don’t need his name) anchors a staff of reporters who really irritate him, and he doesn’t mind saying it with his fists. Tonight: Dan Rather gets pushed down the stairs and Billy’s carried off in handcuffs. Substitute co-anchors: Shari Lewis and Lambchop.

7:46 P.M. Ch. 19  CELEBRITY PRANK SHOP–Game

What happens when Taylor Swift finds a cobra in her bed? Can Chuck Connors stop his car after they drain out all the brake fluid? And how about those missing steps in Mia Farrow’s house? Wait’ll she gets up at night to have a glass of water! Host: Jimmy Fraud.

8 P.M.  Ch. 15  MOVIE–Sharp social commentary and pretentious babble

In “Who’s That Jidrool Who Doesn’t Like Me Anymore?” (Icelandic, 2004), Dustin Hoffman plays a down-and-out wine taster who’s given a second chance by Mothman (Nigel Bruce). Complications arise when he falls in love with a woman (Totie Fields) who thinks she’s an electric blender. Music score by some kook in Reykjavik.

Ch. 28  CAPTAIN ONIONHEAD–Science fiction Western

Capt. Onionhead (Buster Crabbe) has to use all his ingenuity to save Professor Carbuncle (William Lundigan) from crazed space pirates led by Lulu Smythe (Susan Sontag). One false move, and we lose Wyoming! Cute but Dispensable Sidekick: Sam Jaffe. Secret Agent Disguised as Baby-sitter: Mike Mazurki.

I don’t know if it’s true that watching shows like this makes you irresistible to phone scammers; I prefer to think of us as providing a sorely-needed luxury to the human race.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 26

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with fantastic weekend television brought to you by Quokka University… where all we do, really, is hunt up rare TV shows, never mind teaching courses. Anyhow, here are some samples:

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  SLAPSTICK NEWS–A news show, sort of

Finally! You don’t have to sit there growling and fuming as the news anchor talks down to you and tells lies. Here, the anchormen and anchorwomen stand a good chance of getting a pie in the face! You’ll know who it’s going to be, but the victim won’t. Dan Rather, Walter Cronkite, Paula Zahn–splat! Take that, motormouth!

Ch. 14  BACKYARD SAFARI–For children and goofy adults

Who needs rhinos and lions and giraffes when you’ve got ants, aphids, and starlings? It’s a lot cheaper, too! Join great white hunter Abe Vigoda as he sidesteps a charging ground beetle and bags an earthworm with his shotgun Celebrity guest: Sandra Day O’Connor. Bearer: Yogi Bearer (get it?).

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 29  FOREIGN MOVIES IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES–Pretentious twaddle

Impress your friends! Watch Bergman’s Wild Strawberries in the original Swedish, no subtitles, no dubbing, and say things like “Some of the subtler nuances don’t translate all that well.” Do the same with Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress and they’ll gasp in awe! Host: Marcel Marceau.

7 P.M.  Ch. 12  SERPENT PEOPLE OF VALUSIA–Sitcom

Hanky (Andre the Giant) wants a tricycle for his birthday, but Mozgush and Doblast (Arthur C. Clarke, Sonja Henie) have already bought him a king-sized hamster wheel. Uncle Hisstah (Frank Botox) is called in to make peace! Provider of Superfluous Exclamation Points: Joyce Carol Oates.

7:04 P.M. Ch. 42  SAGEBRUSH SAM–Underwater Western

People didn’t dig this when it came out in 1964, but Sagebrush Sam, TV’s first underwater Western, is now arguably the most popular show in television history. This week: Can Marshal Dan Schimmelpfennig (Don Adams) hold his breath long enough to burst into the Sea Horse Saloon and arrest manic gunslinger Nijam Mohandalakshiraj (Richard Simmons) for copyright infringement? Can he hold his breath long enough to say the name? Sparky: Shari Lewis. The June Taylor Dancers: The Elvira Pushcart Dancers.

Boy, oh, boy! I can’t wait to hunker down in front of my TV set with a handful of tasty leaves and bubble gum!

74 Quokka Eating A Leaf Images, Stock Photos & Vectors ...

This looks like a good one. See you next week!

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 12

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

1985 TV Guide (FAMILY TIES/MICHAEL J. FOX/THE A-TEAM/JAMIE ROSE/LADY BLUE)) | eBay

G’day, everybody! I hope you’ve set aside enormous blocks of time for TV viewing, because we’ve outdone ourselves this week, bringing you the hit shows that never had an audience! Here’s a brief sample from our menu:

8:45 P.M.  Ch. 03  NEWS WITH LIVERWURST–News & commentary

Join Mr. Schlockengruber at the Garden State butcher’s counter, while he serves up the day’s news while serving his customers, too. Is it any wonder that he sometimes gets mixed up? But you’ve got to see him wield that cleaver whenever it’s Congress in the news. Weather: Carlos the Delivery Guy (he would know).

9 P.M.  Ch. 08  THE W TEAM–Action & Inaction

The A Team’s busy, the B Team’s all shot up, and eventually we work way down to the W Team (“When it really doesn’t matter, send for us!”). Pro wrestling legend Silvano Magucci (Dean Rusk) leads his team (Salvador Dali, Theda Bara, Elmer the Bull–he provides the glue–and Ernie Bushmiller) in one hazardous but completely unimportant assignment after another. Tonight: Find Ted Mack’s dentures.

Ch. 14  THE BARE FACTS–Lewd sitcom

What happens when a retired superhero (Bob Costas) opens a nudist colony in Alaska? WARNING: Much of this show had to be blacked out. Especially those parts with the June Taylor Dancers. And the mosquitoes and black flies. This week: Ozzie (Francisco Franco) loses his pants in a strip poker game. [We do not see the point of playing strip poker at a nudist colony, but apparently the focus group likes it.]

Ch. 33  TONS O’ TALK–Celebrity talk & variety

Jimmy Fraud interviews celebrities you never heard of! Icepick Sam, Dr. Foo the Mad Dentist, Susan Gesundheit… Hear him ask the questions you would ask if you had any idea why these people are famous! With the Karamazov Bros. and their orchestra.

9:08 P.M.  Ch. 56  MOVIE–Marital Arts

In Secret Techniques of the Drunken Water-Dowser (Chinese-Canadian, 1998), a disgraced Mountie (Groucho Marx, CG) enters Hung Lo Monastery, where Master Chee (Larry Storch) teaches him secret techniques. Meanwhile, Bigfoot (Linda Hunt) ravages the countryside–and the monks can’t seem to stop it. Can Sgt. Woo Wei Shu recover his honor by kung-fuing Bigfoot into oblivion? Song: “I’ve Got Spurs That Jingle-Jangle-Jingle.”

Well, that’s that! Someday the whole world will shut down just so people can tune in to Quokka University for thrills ‘n’ chills.

Meet the Quokka

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 5

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide October 27-Nov 2 1984 (5) - Flashbak

G’day, shipmates! Byron the Quokka here–unlike that pantaloon Joe Collidge, I can find my tail with both hands–but even better, I’ve found your weekend TV menu! Here are a few samples to inflame your curiosity.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 42  GRABBUM GENERAL HOSPITAL–Melodrama

Who said soap operas can only be shown in the daytime? What else would you call it when Dr. DiBono (Mendel Rivers) chases Nurse Knox (Joey Heatherton) all around the operating theater while the hapless patient (Sidney Greenstreet) tries to stitch himself closed after surgery? Guest star: Roderick Usher.

Ch. 44  RAWHIDE IN AFRICA–Western set in the East

What do the cowboys of Rawhide do in between cattle drives? They drink and gamble away their pay and have to take second jobs! And this job is a doozy–herding wild gnus across the Serengeti Plain, vexed by lions, leopards, and unfriendly local people. Eric Fleming and young Clint Eastwood star–with all footage shot in luxurious Scotland.

8:43 P.M.  Ch. 56  MR. FIX-IT NEWS–Yes, it’s news

Kill two birds with one stone! Bobby the Recluse shows you how to deal with clogged sinks and balky toilets while Carmen Miranda (computer-generated, but you’d never guess it) sings and dances the day’s top news stories. Weather: Johnny Cash.

9 P.M.  Ch. 06  MOVIE–Pastoral science fiction tragedy

In “Mistress Bumbles’ Labor Lost” (Pre-Columbian Studios, 2008), Director Pie Traynor improves on Shakespeare by ascribing his own script to The Bard. Mistress Bumble (Lucy Lawless) turns into Xena Warrior Princess whenever she emerges from her country cottage; and the man she loves, barefoot shepherd Jim Northrup (Omar Sharif), can’t make up his mind–about anything! Featured: the June Taylor Dancers as sheep.

Ch. 11  PLEASE DON’T EAT THE POISON IVY–Sitcom

Bucky (Max Von Sydow) wants to join the Spanish Foreign Legion, but Mom (Heather Locklear) and Uncle Fidget (Taras Bulba) try to stop him by walling him up in his room. Meanwhile, Poppa (Andy Devine) gets a job as a tightrope walker. Special guest star: a live Tyrannosaurus.

Well! You can’t miss these shows, can you? I guess you could, but you’d surely be the poorer for it.

Happy quokka says hi

Byron the Quokka, signing off.