Tag: Byron’s TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 29

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV December 15th through 21st, 1979

Blimey, only two days left till Halloween! Better get my El Kabong costume out of mothballs.

G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here, with indescribably wonderful TV viewing for your weekend. I mean, we’re talking “Soak your brain!” Here are a few samples.

4:37 P.M.  Ch. 06  QUICKIE NEWS–(It might give you a headache)

What do you get when you take last night’s 60-minute news show and speed it up so it can be watched in just three minutes? You get Rottnest Island’s most popular news broadcast! And maybe a bout of queasiness to go with it. Anchor: Sid the Parrot.

4:40 P.M.  Ch. 06  MOVIE–Underwater adventure

Now that the three-minute world news is over, relax with Who Be Digging Up the Coral? (Indo-Jamaican, 1987: 360 minutes, counting commercials). Rishi Vijaya Gupta stars as a cynical but idealistic chain store magnate who seeds coral reefs off Jamaica so he can plant “treasure” in them and dig it up later. The bloodthirsty but benign local sheriff (Elston Howard) opposes him. Mrs. Hashimoto: Heather Locklear.

5 P.M.  Ch. 12  JIMMY FRAUD PRESENTS–Variety

What a lineup! The June Taylor Dancers dance to the Guatemalan Runner-Up National Orchestra’s rendition of “I Got Coccyx Troubles,” Al Gore recites “Dinner With Dracula,” and The Amazing Bruno tries again to re-materialize, having de-materialized three weeks ago. Jimmy’s Monologue: “Why I Deserve a Raise.”

Ch. 20   WIDE WORLD OF STUPID–Sports

Chiang Kai-shek and Minnie Pearl host this hideous display of misbegotten fake “sports” shunned by the other networks! Now you can see ’em all: tightrope-pogosticking, wasps’-nest bothering, soccer with a bowling ball (those headers are murder!), getting stuck inside the clothing donation bin, and so much more!

5:30 P.M.  Ch. 26  JUMPIN’ SPINNIN’ KICKS–Kung-fu crime drama

Dragon Bone Hill, Iowa, has an all-girl police force–and criminals beware! Every one of these beauties can wipe you out with secret jumpin’ spinnin’ kicks, taught by Master Wong Wei (Claude Akins). They can also leap backwards 20 feet in the air! This week: Hot on the trail of a misgendering ring, Officer Schadenfreude (Christie Brinkley) accidentally leaps onto the wing of a jet plane passing overhead. Hysterical passenger: William Shatner.

How about that, folks? Did you ever think you’d see that kind of programming on your TV? I’m lucky if I get any at all.

Quokka - The Australian Museum

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 22

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tv guide sears portrait studio 1987

Crikey, it’s almost November! G’day out there–Byron the Quokka, with another weekend’s TV viewing that’ll make you wish you could start your life all over again just so you could see these shows for the first time again… Oh, never mind! Here’s a sample.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 12  NEWS WITH RUDE NOISES–News & commentary

Actually it’s mostly commentary, as the boisterous studio audience constantly interrupts anchorman Dan Rather with an assortment of disrespectful noises that we will not attempt to describe here. Inexplicably, the show became a mega-hit and was only canceled when Rather refused to allow hard objects to be thrown at him.

Ch. 42  MOVIE–Mostly stock footage

In The Bowery Boys Meet the June Taylor Dancers at Jimmy Fraud’s Lousy Barbecue (Swedish, 1996), a safari in unexplored Africa winds up in Muesli Township, NJ, just in time for a free-for-all! (This is the film that soured the relationship between the Bowery Boys and the June Taylor Dancers and prevented a merger). Captain Queasy: Rip Torn. Mrs. Picasso: Nina Khrushchev. Song: “I Got Chiggers”

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 08  HOLD THAT U.T.I.!–Medical game show

Which celebrity guest has the most awkward medical condition? Which member of the studio audience will be sacrificed to cure it? This week’s guests: Howard Da Silva, Chiang Kai-shek, Billie Jean King, Theda Bara. With Billy Martin and his orchestra. Host: (Refuses to divulge identity).

7 P.M.  Ch. 14  ADVENTURES OF WU WEI-SHU–Western

Gunslinger Chad Votingmachine (Cy Young) searches the Wild West for the baby-sitter who stuck him with the nickname Wu Wei-Shu, “the Tail-less Rat.” If only he could remember her name, what she looked like, etc.! Sidekick: Russ Tamblyn. Moping Minnie: Some stupid idiot in a toreador’s suit. Tonight’s episode: “Heee-yahhh!”

7:07 P.M.  Ch. 63  SEMINAR: SHAKESPEARE’S SUPER-HEROES–Academic twaddle

Everybody knows those dumb comic book movies would be a thousand times better if they had Shakespearean dialogue, according to our host, Prof. Edgar Gunnysack. “Then again,” he said, “Shakespeare would be better if he’d put some super-heroes in it! I mean, have you ever sat through Two Gentlemen of Verona, or wherever it was?” This week, “Batman” gets a complete dialogue makeover (“Forsooth, young Robin, I cly thee right well–but soft! What light through yonder window breaks?” “Beshrew me, Batman! Methinks they butt together well!”) You get the idea…

All right, all right! Maybe that Shakespeare thing is a bit too much to bear! But I’m telling you, the rest is solid gold!

378 Quokka Photos and Premium High Res Pictures - Getty Images

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 8

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TV Guide Oct 2, 1970 | Program pages from the Minneapolis-St… | Flickr

G’day, g’day, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here, with absolutely the very best in television, the best shows of the last 800 years! Brought to you by Quokka University, where a degree in Nothing Studies means just that.

Behold a few samples:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 02  THE MICROBES–(Best sitcom ever)

Kate Smith and Stan Laurel star as Alice and Jerry Microbe, whose neighbors can’t see them without a microscope! (I don’t know why they put in that exclamation point. Someone please take it away.) This week: Alice gets lost in Mrs. Moseby’s rug. Mrs. Moseby: Shari Lewis. Sasquatch: Harold Stassen.

Ch. 08  THE NEWS IN DANCE–News & commentary

Join the June Taylor Dancers in presenting and analyzing the world’s news in interpretive dance! Tonight: Turkey, Paraguay sign non-aggression pact; Congress investigates pro wrestling match-fixing scandal; 450-pound pole vaulter sets record. Song: “Old MacDonald Had a Farm.”

7:42 P.M.  Ch. 17  MOVIE–Science fiction

In “Able was I, Ere I Saw Elba” (Hong Kong, 1975), the Shaw Brothers’ five-hour epic, kung-fu meets string theory. A drunken guard (Luis Tiant) falls in love with a pineapple from another dimension (Linda Hunt), who is able to look sort of like a woman when the mood takes her. Together they plot to bring back Napoleon Bonaparte (Gabe Kaplan)! Too bad they only brought back half of him… Mrs. Hsing: Li Lo Liang.

8 P.M.  Ch. 46  GET RICH QUICK!–Self-improvement

Host Alan Diphthong filmed 12 of these episodes before he was sent to prison for fraud. Tonight’s projects: raising fleas for sale to flea circuses; a radish farmer in California switches over to taking money not to scare small children; start your own sky-diving school. Special guest: Bill Moyers.

Ch. 52  KNIT THE RAVELED SLEEVE OF CARE–Game show

It’s celebrities Chuck Connors, Abe Ribikoff, and Sally Field against three schlubs from the studio audience in a battle to see which team can stay awake longest through a reading of Silas Marner by a not-very-talented W.C. Fields impersonator. Winning team gets Batman wrist watches! Losing team gets doused with ice-cold water. Host: Porky Pig (don’t ask).

Well, if you think these are great shows, wait’ll you see the ones I haven’t written previews for! One of our emus went hog-wild after just half an hour’s viewing.

Meet the Quokka

Happy viewing! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 1

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Retrospace: TV Guide #8: Feb 12-18, 1977

G’day, welcome to October! Byron the Quokka here–and have we got TV for you! No kidding–you’ll think you died and went to heaven. (Well, maybe not.) Here’s just a wee sample of this weekend’s offerings.

4 P.M.  Ch. 12  DOC MANOOJI–Western

Returning from a house call to Venus, Doc Manooji (George Windex) finds his home town of Batwurst, Arizona, populated by talking trees instead of people. It wouldn’t matter so much, only they never shut up! Mr. Larch: S. Hurok. Miss Maple: Joan Hickson. Little Elm: Ty Hardin

Ch. 19  AMERICAN PROCRASTINATOR–Game show

Contestants try to dilly-dally, dawdle, hem and haw, and fumfer their way to the great prize that hasn’t been delivered yet! Host Ed Mzee will lay out the rules, if he ever shows up. Music by those members of Marve Throneberry’s orchestra who have found their way to the studio.

4:06 P.M.  ANNOYING MOVIE–Psychological warfare

The Bowery Boys meet The Most Boring Man in India (Paul Lynd) in “Avast, Me Hearties” (Serbian, 2004), a movie that has absolutely nothing to do with any nautical subject and was only scheduled for 4:06 to irritate people. The Serbian Army planned to use this film against the Turks. Woody Strode: the Smothers Brothers. Susan Sontag: Heather Locklear.

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 03  STREETS OF HIDEOUS DOOM–Horror/mystery

A most cruel serial killer stalks the streets of Poobah, Vermont. Can the June Taylor Dancers stop him before he kills again? With only one episode, this series won the Shortest Series Award at the Project Mohole Film Festival. Mayor Piffle: Tony Blair. Mrs. Yang: Linda Blair (no relation)

5 P.M.  Ch. 31  THE SCHMENDRICKS–Situation comedy

A door-to-door salesman (John Astin) sells Penelope Schmendrick (this girl who was in my 8th grade class and then moved away) a super-pogo stick–and when Yobo Schmendrick (Lionel Barrymore) comes home from his job at the chariot factory, he finds a huge hole in the living room ceiling… with Penny’s head stuck in it! Paper boy: Fang Hsueh-ting. Papier-mache boy: William Shatner.

Well, now, that’s what I call television! In fact, I don’t know what else to call it.

Meet the Quokka

My cousin Flimzy–she’s camera-shy.

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 24

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multiple image galleries

Yo-ho-ho, Byron the Quokka here with a weekend of spectacular TV! Here’s a little sample of what we’ve got lined up for you.

6:15 P.M.  Ch. 55  NIGHTLY GNUS–(Don’t ask)

Everything you want to know about wildebeests! Anchored by Jimmy Fraud–the absolute low point in his career. You don’t know what torment is until you’ve seen a journalist try to interview a gnu!

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  ALL ALONE AT THE MOVIES–Movie reviews

How about those movies that no one gets to see before they’re pulled out of circulation? Movies like Buccaneers vs. Sea Monkeys. Or The June Taylor Dancers Visit the Tomb of Svashnach the Terrible. Your hosts, Joe Collidge and Greta Thunberg, have seen ’em all!

Ch. 21  THE TWADDLERS–Sitcom with metaphysical overtones

Suddenly the Twaddlers have an extra grandpa (Felipe Alou) hiding in the closet! While Spurius (Gabby Hayes) frantically checks the family tree, Flotsam (Heather Locklear) tries to make borscht for the third grandpa before he carries out his threat to speak The Deplorable Word. King Edward III: Art Carney. The Other King Edward: Warren Oates.

7 P.M.  Ch. 16  MOVIE–Really stupid ‘Moby Dick’ wannabe

“Gimme That There Harpoon, Matey!” (Greek, 1951) was the movie that made star Otto Fungus’ career… as a bricklayer. Shot his acting career right down at once. Fungus plays Captain Jehoahaz, the fanatic who pursues a small dogfish called Roscoe but can’t catch him because, well, all dogfish tend to look like. A one-armed man (Barry Manilow) obsessively pursues Cap. Jehoahaz. Song: “Don’t Step on My Coccyx.”

Ch. 35  YOU BET YOUR LASSO!–Western drama/Game show

Before there was any technology to support such a venture, Popstone Studios introduced this “interactive Western.” Audience members were challenged to write letters to the producers suggesting where the plot should go next, and any viewer whose suggestion was used got to guest-star in that episode–usually as Marshall Pete Bazooka’s easily dispensable deputy. He also got some luggage, and a special lunch box with a secret compartment.

Well! I’ll be flabbergasted if these shows don’t give you a whole new perspective on something or other. Make sure you have plenty of nice leaves to munch!

Baby Quokka Eating Ficus Leaf on Rottnest Island Stock Photo - Image of herbivorous, eyes: 201938562

(Fig leaves are good for something besides you-know-what!)

Stuck!

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How Much Honey Could Winnie The Pooh Really Eat?

I have to write a Newswithviews column today, and don’t know what to write about. I want to continue writing my book, but yesterday I poured myself into it and now I need a refill. I really need more blog posts, but nothing suggests itself. My wife says I need a vacation. Lots o’ luck with that!

I know what I’ll do. I’ll go pick up our laundry. (Gee, I could skip ahead and write Byron’s TV Listings, but then I’d have a great big hole to fill on Saturday.) With or without ideas, you’ve got to have clean laundry.

There’s a lesson in there, if I could only find it…

I guess I could always go out and threaten our democracy. Anybody up for that?

Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 10

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Let's Read TV Guide, March 1976! – The Avocado

G’day! Byron the Quokka here. Not only do I have to compete with Joe Collidge for viewers; our TV offerings have to go up against “An exotic strip teaser strangled! 9 PM Every Weeknight.” How do they even find five exotic strip teasers to strangle every week? I don’t think we have any here on Rottnest Island.

9 P.M.  Ch. 10  CRIMES OF DOUBLE PASSION–Shameless rip-off

(I was outvoted when they decided to broadcast this!) Jimbo the Serial Bad Guy (Buddy Ebsen) insists on playing “Oh, Suzannah” on his harmonica to his victims before he strafes them with his pea shooter. See his crimes grow more extravagant each week! Can his old grade school principal, Miss Krinkle (Moms Mabley), catch him in time to swat him with a ruler?

Ch. 22  LATE-NITE NEWS WITH REJECTED POETS–News & commentary

“Who cares if it’s true, as long as it rhymes?” is anchor Peter Stumpf’s motto. “Weather in the Altogether,” Dolly Chingatchgook. “Sports of All Sorts,” Manos Arriba. “Movie Reviews for People in Pews,” Linda Fling. “Quokkas With Nokkas” [What?], Starvin’ Marvin McGraw.

9:15 PM  Ch. 34  MOVIE–Melodrama

In “You’ve Got a Destiny the Salamanders Envy” (French, 1969), a middle-aged public school teacher (Pee Wee Herman) and a middle-aged failed rock star (Heather Locklear) come to terms with their need to come to terms–aided by the June Taylor Dancers. Song: Hold on to Your Coccyx, with Alvin the Octopus. 230 minutes of pure captivation.

9:30 PM  Ch. 06  GUNS ABLAZE!–Western/Science-fiction

Pinky Lee stars as Marshal Stevie Blunder, crusading lawman in Peopletown, Arizona. This week: When Silly Sam (wrestler Ivan Koloff) reports man-sized praying mantises heading en masse for the Country Club, no one believes him but Kredulous Kate (Susan Sontag). Blunder finds his work cut out for him when the mantises invade the town and start eating people! Admiral “Where’s My ___ing Boat?” Richards: Louis Jourdan.

10 PM Ch. 56  THE TEMPLE OF DOOM–Game Show

Inspired by the infamous computer game, host Luca Brasi offers fabulous prizes to contestants who survive insanely challenging tests. (Don’t worry! No one actually gets killed.) This week: Studio audience members take on Smitty the Very Hungry and Bad-Tempered Alligator. Winners advance to The Electrified Fence, next week! With former Prime Minister Harold McMillan and his Jug Band.

Well, that ought to keep you in stitches for the weekend! These aren’t my favorite shows, although I always liked the admiral who lost his ship and was looking for it in Arizona. That kind of persistence always pays!

What Is a Quokka? 15 Facts About the "Happiest" Creature on ...

Byron the Quokka, signing off (it’s time to watch TV).

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 20

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multiple image galleries

G’day! Would you believe it’s August 20? Where does the time go!

Byron the Quokka here, inviting you to step outside the stream of time and watch some Quokka University TV. You’ll be glad you did! And here’s a sample:

7:15 P.M. Ch. 07  YOU ARE THE NEWS!–Made-up phony news

Co-Anchors Jimmy Fraud and Miley Cyrus throw unrelated factoids at you–and you do the rest! Cobble them together into news stories! Last week’s winner: “Putin Sends Trans Models to Nuclear Test in Atlantic City”. Featuring Congressman Capsize and his underwater orchestra.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 01  SMORK AND SMINDY–Sci-fi sitcom

Smork (Marlon Brando) is a six-foot-tall grasshopper from the planet Fong; and Smindy (Linda Hunt) is the raving lunatic who lets him sleep in her broom closet. This week: Smork is deathly ill after eating the mop, but when Smindy summons Dr. Porky (Sir Tim McCarver), she finds him drunk!

Ch. 14  YOUR ASTONISHING DISEASE!–Medical game show

Which contestant has the weirdest disease? It’s up to the June Taylor Dancers to find out! Host: “Nature Boy” Buddy Rodgers. Scientific adviser: Dinah Shore. In charge of evacuating the studio if something really nasty turns up: Col. John D. Craig.

8 P.M.  Ch. 46   MOVIE–Western (sort of)

In “The Town Too Dead to Die” (Czech-Tahitian, 2002), Mayor Daryl Poyson (Cleavon Little) and Sheriff Wu Wei-Shu (Will Geer) move the town of Effluvium, Arizona, lock, stock, and barrel, to Sikanderpore Forest in India! Theme Song: “I’ve Lost My Coccyx to You!”, by Parnell Roberts. Ninety-nine minutes. In Dutch, with subtitles. Be sure to catch that famous scene of cobras invading the saloon!

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 28   I WANDER IN DESOLATE SWAMPS–Crime drama

Private Eye Joe Collidge (William Saroyan) has set up shop in The Great Stinking Mire, miles and miles from the nearest human habitation. His misanthropy won’t let him come any closer! So what kind of cases can he possibly have? Tune in and see. Guest stars: June Lockhart, Lassie, Minnesota Fats. Featured: Auctioning off bits of the set.

Well, boyzin gulls, there you have it! Trust me, you can totally rot your mind on this TV, and be all the better for it.

How To Take A Selfie With A Quokka - The Ultimate Guide – Quokka Hub

Me, with this guy who says he can get me a good deal on car insurance.

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 13

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

G’day, g’day! Time for weekend TV from Quokka University. I’m Byron the Quokka, and oh! oh! oh, the shows we have lined up for you! Someday you’ll thank us (we take checks). Here’s a sample of our menu:

7:48 P.M.  Ch. 08  BACKWARDS NEWS–News game

Can you untangle the news–when you’ve only heard it backwards, and in a foreign language? Join hostess Bimbi Hoople as celebrity guests Chuck Connors and Erica Jong try to decipher this gibberish–and the studio audience can’t go home until they do it! Watch those tempers burn like fuses!

8 P.M.  Ch. 12  THE McGUFFIN GROUP–Current events

Some of the most ignorant people in Los Angeles, lured into the studio by promises of–well, we don’t want to get into that–debate key social and political issues which they never heard of until just now. “Best in Show” gets an anchor’s job at CNN! Host: Jimmy Fraud. Color Commentary: An old wind-up bank that wheezes “Heh-heh-hee, a penny saved is a penny earned!”

Ch. 15  SHOOT IF YOU MUST–Wartime drama/Science fiction

Sgt. Twinkle (Cat Stevens) and his Howling Commandos are secretly transported to the planet Winky to battle an out-of-control bartender (Red Buttons). Pvt. Sunshine: Jesse Ventura. Grannie: Irene Ryan. Featured song, “Thom McCann Has Enviable Shoes For Your Feet.”

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 33  HOOK, LINE, AND SINK HER–Fishing

Never mind about baiting the hooks! Can Sunfish “Ed” Fong get all the June Taylor Dancers into his rowboat? And once he does, will they keep dancing? Meanwhile we’re supposed to be learning how to fish for compliments…

9 P.M.  Ch. 57  MOVIE–Greek mythology/Crime drama

Inspired by the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, Hercules Goes to New York, “Dog My Cats” (Chilean, 1994; 6 hours) pits hard-boiled private eye Sammy Egg (Cesar Geronimo) against a syndicate of ancient Greek gods intent on taking over Hamble City, Iowa. Zeus: William Shatner. Hera: Phyllis Diller. Colony of Fire Ants: Themselves.

Well, you can’t beat that, can you! I saw that movie with the ants, once: they were the only ones who knew their lines.

Quokka Stock Photos, Royalty Free Quokka Images | Depositphotos

(How did I ever get into this?) Byron the Quokka, signing off!

 

Byron’s TV Listings, August 6

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV March 19th through 25th, 1983

G’day, g’day, it’s Quokka UTV time! Yours truly, Byron the Quokka, cluing you in–

And by the way, somehow that punk Joe Collidge got more views than I did last week, and we mustn’t let that happen ever again, must we?

Meanwhile, some samples of our weekend offerings.

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08   JET-SKI DERBY –Game show/justifiable homicide

Celebrities on jet-skis! Annoying celebrities on jet-skis! How many of them can our contestants pick off in half an hour? Tired of the noise, tired of the showing-off? Wait’ll the first rap artiste gets his costly toy shot out from under him! Hostage/Host: Paris Hilton. Analysis: Dr. Phil.

Ch. 16  THE AMAZING GRAVITY BALL!!!–Infomercial for blithering idiots

No matter how high you throw it, it’ll come back down! Drop it from anywhere–and the mysterious force of gravity will draw it straight down! Mystify, impress, bamboozle and wow your friends! And best of all, The Science Is Settled! Featuring H.P. Lovecraft and his orchestra.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 11   NEWS WITH HEINIES–Not deserving of description

(Relax, everybody! No one’s going to moon the audience. It’s just that everybody in this newsroom has the nickname “Heinie.”) Anchorman Heinie Huitzlchotl can’t read the cue cards because he needs new glasses and insists he doesn’t. Weather: Gloria “Heinie” Xing. Sports: Warner “Heinie” Perez.

7 P.M.  Ch. 62  LEAVE IT TO SCHMENDRICK–Sitcom

Schmendrick (Heinie Ryan [Now cut that out!]) notices his parents (June Lockhart, Alvin the Octopus) have been rather short-tempered ever since the June Taylor Dancers (themselves) rented their tool shed and then took over their house. It’s up to Schmendrick and The Mad Postman (Dwight Frye) to get rid of them–but the Postman doesn’t know whether “them” means the dancers or the parents! Tarzan: Richard Simmons.

7:08 P.M.  Ch. 41  MOVIE–For nudists only

In “I Married the Jersey Devil” (Swiss/Filipino, 1976), a hapless farmer (Jackie Chan) sees his daughter (Gracie Allen) marry a misshapen fiend that can fly and terrorize whole counties… and she’s quickly learning bad habits from her husband! Doc Martin: Martin Clunes. Preacher: Bruno Sammartino. Mother Leeds: Sylvia Porter. Song: “I-t’ien Tao Wan” (We have no idea what it means).

2,409 Quokka Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Well, that ought to set you up for a super-weekend! And it’ll show Joe Collidge who’s boss. If our TV shows can’t beat his stupid college courses, I just give up.

Byron the Quokka, signing off.