Tag: crazy TV listings

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! And welcome to yet another weekend of brain-enhancing television, brought to you by Quokka University. I’m Byron the Quokka, and I endorse these shows! (I do want to keep working for Quokka U., y’know…)

7 P.M.   Ch. 08   SIDEWAYS NEWS–(Just what it sounds like)

Now, at long last, huzzah! You don’t have to lie down sideways to see what the news looks like sideways! They film the whole thing sideways. It’s kind of hard to explain. “We read the cue cards sideways!” boasts anchor Geoffrey Tweedle. Fashion report: Alvin the Octopus.

Ch.26   SAY IT IN TONGUES!–Game show

What are these people saying? How do you win the game? How do you even tell the game has started? Cable TV pioneer Jimbly Jorkesson has struck oil with this daring new concept in entertainment–entertainment that no one understands! Hostesses: the Certs Twins, from those old commercials. Featured: the June Taylor Dancers.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 53  MR. & MRS. BODILY FLUIDS, 2024–Another one of those “pageant” things

Live from that abandoned boardwalk in Carnival of Souls, host Bobby Lee Smurf tries to find out who will be this year’s Mr. & Mrs. Bodily Fluids–in a procedure that will not be described here. Special guest star: Some fat guy who wandered into the studio and can’t find the way out.

7:58 P.M.  Ch. 18  MOVIE–Western set at sea

In Yippee-yi-yo Glug-glug! (Ethiopian, 2017: 867 minutes), producers grapple with the challenge of shooting a sea-going Western in a land-locked country where cowboy movies are virtually unknown. Captain BooBoo: iconic Ralph Kiner imitator Rostick Brzwewski. Miss Coccyx: Jane Payne. Note: Director Tom Flung received a prison furlough to direct this movie, but could not be found after it was finished.

Well, there you go–just a small yet tantalizing sample of indescribable TV treasure. I can hardly wait to get started.

(That’s my bike in the background. A beauty, isn’t it! Byron the Quokka, signing off…)

G’day, boys & girls (I always like that “&” thing)! Byron the Quokka here, with a mind-blowing smorgasbord of glorious weekend television, brought to you by Quokka University, where attitudes go to die. A brief sample from our schedule:

2 P.M.  Ch. 07  WIDE, WIDE WORLD OF PSEUDO SPORTS–(Don’t try these at home)

This week: fearless idiot vs. swarm of killer bees; drunken head-butting competition, Anchors: Big Bird (from Sesame Street) and Paris Hilton. Special: High diving with the June Taylor Dancers–the blindfolds make all the difference!

2:17 P.M.  Ch. 11   N.Y. Fimbles Victory Parade–Live from Manhattan (or is it somewhere else?)

Having swept the 12-game World Series of Kvetching, the New York Fimbles victory parade will march along decayed sections of the waterfront. They have to do this because they never got a parade permit. Grand Madam Whatsit: Hillary Clinton (Low point in her career). Commentary: Some poor guy with Tourette’s Syndrome.

3 P.M.  Ch. 32   MOVIE–With worst West German movie music

Achtung! Gesundheit! (German/Hittite, 1992: 700 minutes of pure hell) nostalgically revisits some twelve years’ worth of hopelessly awful West German movie music, widely, almost unanimously, considered the worst in the world. If they had sent out their orchestras instead of the panzers, they might’ve won World War II. Hosts: Mil Mascaras (with mask) and Sally Field (with plow).

4:33 P.M.  THOSE WONDERFUL SCHIMMELPFENNIGS–Sitcom

Can a family of cavemen make it in the suburbs? Why have Mr. and Mrs. Schimmelpfennig decided to raise their children as cavemen? This week: Oog tries to organize a mammoth hunt, but Mr. Mealie (Oedipus Rex Meets Gidget) won’t let them pass through his backyard. Song: “Caveman Coccyx”.

Well, there you have it: TV that belongs to the ages. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds great.

Hurry, hurry! Don’t want to miss anything! Byron the Quokka, signing off…

G’day, me hearties! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s bumper crop of fabulous TV, brought to you by Quokka University. Dig this sample!

6:34 P.M.  Ch. 45   NEWS WITH CACKLING–(What do you expect?)

Join anchors Kaboola Kazoola and Ferdie Gurdy as they cackle and guffaw their way through the news! Grand prize to any viewer who can prove he or she understood it! Also featured: sports with some guy who says everything backwards.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 49  ROW YOUR BOAT ON DRY LAND!–Nitwits

Just because something’s pointless doesn’t mean it’s impossible! This week: Nitwits who use chain saws to saw their tool sheds in half. Host: Carlo Barlow (he keeps trying to escape, but they keep catching him). Special guests: the June Taylor Dancers in “Coccyx, Anyone?”

7 P.M.  Ch. 08  ME AND MY FLIES–Situation comedy

Pookie Van Der Gross is the only kid at Willie Sutton Middle School who has his own swarm of flies that follow him everywhere he goes. This week: Chemistry teacher Mrs. Bangshot (Irene Ryan) gets what’s coming to her–Bzzzzzz!

7:22  Ch. 14  MOVIE–Another one of those killer puppet things

Mike Pfart plays the kindly old puppet-maker, Giuseppe, whose puppets come to life and embark on a crime spree that brings Castel Buffo to its knees. Mayor Fanabla: Seymour Hersch. Police Chief: Heather Locklear. Sumo champion: He wears a mask, so it doesn’t matter who plays him. (Indonesian, 1998: 11 minutes)

Well, I hope you’ve got plenty of tasty snacks to carry you through the weekend. Cousin Foozie has an autographed picture of the kid who plays Pookie–guaranteed to bring bad luck!

Check out the bike in the background. If it’s still there tomorrow morning, it’s mine!

Byron the Quokka signing off.

Holy moley! Is it February already? Where did January go?

G’day, Byron the Quokka here with your weekend TV schedule brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a sample of it!

4:07 P.M.   Ch. 11  VENOMOUS INSECTS AHOY!–Game show

Temporarily ignoring the fact that spiders are not insects, how many of these poisonous bugs can our contestants stuff into a bag before getting stung? Host: Obscure polar explorer Helmut Jofnoff. Featured: The June Taylor Dancers capering mindlessly in the background.

4:15 P.M.  Ch. 08  SPECIAL REPORT–Incredibly urgent news

Since scientists announced the discovery of the Celebrity Gene two weeks ago, Congress has been grappling with the prospect of an America inhabited exclusively by celebrities, 300 million of them, with no more Ordinary Public. Literally everyone would be a celebrity! Jimmy Fraud and Mary Stupid report.

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 21  MOVIE–Western adventure

Hoss Petrovich (Charles Bronson) is a famed gunslinger afflicted with OCD. A hundred other gunfighters want to take him down, but it’s all he can do to decide in the morning which sock goes on which foot and whether he ought to do any more tidying up before leaving his hotel room and going down to breakfast at 3:30 p.m. Judge Pennywhistle: Jackie Chan. Queen Hecuba: Dame Judith Anderson. The Duke of Pembroke: Don Knotts.

Ch. 43  SAMMY THE FLYING BLOB–Sitcom

He has no brain, he has no face, he eats laundry off the clothesline–but he lives in the suburbs with the Fimbo family (Rod Stewart, Sandy Duncan, some kid with weird eyes) and they’re stuck with him! This week: Mayor Scrawny (Chuck Norris) orders Sammy shot on sight. Song: “The Curse of an Aching Coccyx.”

P.S.–You can make your own Sammy by melting a pair of galoshes!

Byron the Quokka signing off–gotta go warm up my TV!

A green leaf makes a great snack!

G’day, next-to-the-last day of the year! Byron the Quokka here, with this year’s last batch of fabulous weekend TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a few samples.

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 09   ‘ARE WE IDIOTS?’–Panel Discussion

We’ve been waiting all year for this! Prominent newsmakers wrestle with the most important question of all–“Are we idiots?” Moderator: A very large dog with sharp teeth. Tonight’s panel: Chuck Schumer, William H. Frogg, Nancy Pelosi, Ellen Melon. They all say “No!”, but you know how they lie.

Ch. 12  SCIENCE MARCHES ON!–Sort of a documentary

Which breakthrough will come first? Teaching dogs to operate heavy machinery, or finding a use for a bachelor’s degree in Gender Studies? Expert interviews with the guy who parks your car for you, and the June Taylor Dancers.

5 P.M.  Ch. 23   HERCULES’ KITCHEN–Indescribable 

What would you get if you mixed old Steve Reeves movies with a modern cooking show and had it all put together by people who don’t communicate with each other? Let’s face it–when a Cyclops invades your kitchen, you’d better hope Hercules is there! Zeus: Andy Devine. Hera: Sandy Duncan. Embocles the Coccyx Doctor: Raymond Burr.

Ch. 41   MOVIE–Torn from the headlines

Arlene Schlubb and Jimmy Headlong are star-crossed lovers in You Can’t Get Married Without Green Stamps (Independent Serbian Film Corp., 1998; 656 minutes). This is the movie Alfred Hitchcock denied having had anything to do with! In fact, the actual director is still not known; it seems the Screen Actors Guild put out a contact on him. Guest star: Sybil Bibble. Music by General Mills.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, that’ll just about do it for 2023! I’m here to tell you, BTW, that anything with Sybil Bibble in it is pure gold. If you’ve ever seen that commercial she did for Basque Country Turtle Food, you’ll know what I mean.

Don’t worry–I don’t eat enough Basque Country for this to happen.

Byron the Quokka signing off: see yiz next year!

Oooh! Just nine more days till Christmas. Byron the Quokka here–and I feel kind of oogy about advertising some of this TV stuff, so close to Christmas. But it’s not anybody at Quokka University offering “Gamblers Junkets” to Las Vegas. Better you should say home and watch TV.

6:46 P.M.  Ch. 72  SUPER-SPORTZ!!!–Shameless infomercial

Supposedly this “Super-Sportz Pro Gear” will transform anyone, but anyone, into a star athlete. Buying and wearing it will also Save The Planet. Join pitchman John Kerry for an hour-long festival of lying!

7 P.M.  Ch. 10   GASSWORD–Game show in terribly poor taste

Sponsored by Alka-Seltzer, Gassword requires contestants to consume great quantities of beans and broccoli and then correctly solve intricate word puzzles before the inevitable gas attack sets in. Host: Inigo Montoya. With the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 14  NEWS WITH NOBBY–Well, it says “news,” doesn’t it?

So who’s Nobby? The invisible anchor man! The faceless interviewer! That thing you were always afraid you’d turn into if you were bitten by a certain kind of spider! Tonight: fifth-rank GOP presidential candidates are reduced to tears and shudders by Nobby’s penetrating questions. Plus sports and weather with the disembodied voices of Warner Wolf and Brigitte Crumbly.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 27  MOVIE–A trip to the Moon in more ways than one

Isabel Pinata and Jimmy Durante star as tragical lovers in Bust My Pinata, Sucker! (Papuan, 1973: 565 minutes, not counting mandatory commercials). Make sure you don’t miss that little bit with Alfred Hitchcock trying to get out of this movie before anyone thinks he directed it! Featured Song: “The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Very Large Invertebrates,” sung by Nicky the Parrot.

Folks, that’s just a sample of the avant-garde TV we’ve lined up for you here at Quokka U.! Do you know there’s an actual head of state who watches all our shows and uses them as a source of ideas for public policy? I’m not allowed to give you his or her name, though…

One more swim, and then it’s TV time! Byron the Quokka, signing off.