Tag: crazy TV listings

Byron’s TV Listings, June 29

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Here's the Northern Ohio... - From the Pages of TV Guide ...

G’day, mates! Looks like that Biden thing has sucked all the air out of the room. Byron the Quokka here, tryin’ to pump some air back in. And how do we do that? With TV listings! Provided by Quokka University. Like these:

5 P.M.  Ch. 03   SUPERMODEL SQUAD–Sheer idiocy

What if a bunch of supermodels got together to form an elite squad of crime fighters? This week: The Gals go up against a doddering old man who thinks he’s a pine tree. Jin-Jin: Francine Van Snoot. Froo-Froo: Jane Eyre. Doc Fimble: Some guy who looks like Ozzie Nelson.

Ch. 10   ASSORTED COCCYX AILMENTS–Sort of a doctor show

Join Dr. Myron Bilch, D.D.S., as he earns his reputation as “Coccyx Doctor to the Stars.” Today: She stars in the latest Cigar Wars movie, but is plagued by a coccyx that slips out of place whenever she gets up from a chair. Brought to you by Acme Sousaphones.

5:16 P.M.   Ch. 62   NEWS WITH THE JUNE TAYLOR DANCERS–Self-explanatory (we think)

Whether it’s a White House lost brain scandal, a civil war in Greenland, or killer robots on the march, we’ve got the music and the June Taylor Dancers to make it go down easy. Anchor: Dan Rather (this is his punishment).

6 P.M.  Ch. 41   MOVIE–Hard-boiled crime drama (Consult your physician before you watch it)

Gino the Human Colander stars in Make My Day, Suckah! (Icelandic/Catuvellauni, 1966: 14 minutes [414,with commercials]), the partially true story of a private detective who won’t eat anything unless it’s boiled. This week: A world-famous lawyer with an ironclad alibi is accused of stealing Michelangelo’s David , replacing it with a perfect facsimile. Can Ollie Egg (Gino) trick him into confessing to the crime? The Suspect: Raymond Burr. Flute salesman: Mario Proccacino.

Well, I hope these shows can pry you away from politics for a little while. Quokka politics always ends up in a pie fight!

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Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, June 22

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

52 TV GUIDE COVERS: 1991 ideas | tv guide, tv, classic tv

G’day, buoys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of glorious TV, courtesy of Quokka University. We hunt down the programs that none of the other networks dare to show! Like these, for instance.

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 42  DRACULA WANNABES–Interviews

At last! Genuine, dyed-in-the-wool idiots who want to be vampires–or who think they are already. Dan Rather, choking back the sobs, interviews them while inwardly lamenting that his career should have ever come to this. Assistant host Stombo the Clown reminds him, “All your fault, Danny Boy!”

6:52 P.M.   Ch. 16  FOOTBALL FOR SLOW FAT GUYS–Sports (sort of)

The St. Louis Tons Of Fun take on the Tahiti Whales in the climactic game of the World Fat Football League’s first season. Tons Of Fun linebacker Happy Hooper has sworn to “massacre” Whales’ quarterback Yupu “The Glacier” Upuna, if he can catch him. (This would be the first time a massacre had only one victim.)

7 P.M.   Ch. 08   EAT WHAT CELEBRITIES WON’T!–Cooking show

Bill Gates wants to sell you maggot milk, but don’t hold your breath waiting for him to drink it himself. This week: Climate Czar John Effing Kerry pushes Sidewalk Sweepings–“They may taste bad, but I’m sure you can afford them! Save the planet: eat dirt!” Host: Some guy who won’t give his name.

Ch. 61   MOVIE–(Not what you’d expect from sane people!)

In Big Scary Space Aliens with Iconic Ray-Guns (Etruscan, 2022), Yi-Wan Fong stars as a Ming Dynasty potato enthusiast who makes a disturbing discovery! This was special effects director Hobie Landrith’s first and last movie. Be ready to spot a former Speaker of the House face-down in a bird bath.

Well, do these examples ignite your imagination, or not? (If not, please remember it’s Lee’s fault, not mine.)

The quokka is the happiest animal on Earth! : r/pics

Wait’ll you see what happens when I squeeze my cheeks! Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, June 16

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

tv guide siskel and ebert 1987

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, trying to get the blog kick-started. Well, you can always do that with TV listings, can’t you? Especially when they’re provided by Quokka University. Here are a few samples.

3 P.M.   Ch. 18   JET SKI DERBY–Sports, sort of

Host Charles DeGaulle hands out rifles to contestants, and the Grand Prize to whoever can pick off the most jet-ski riders in one day. Here, “Whomp-whomp-whomp!” gives way to “Bang-bang-bang!” Color commentary by Olga Gesundheit–who once potted 15 jet-skiers in a single hour.

Ch. 41   UNINTELLIGIBLE BABBLING NEWS!–(An hour down the drain)

Did you ever wish you could just talk gibberish and get paid for it? (Well, gee, I’ve known lots of people who wish that!) Anchorwoman Rita Beeta heads a crew of babbling kooks who sound like a penguin rookery. And all the video footage is upside-down.

3:15   Ch. eleventy-one   YINK STILL CAN’T COOK–Kitchen mayhem

Correspondence school chef Yink Bu Chih-Dow tackles Violet Crepuscular’s recipe for toothpaste sandwich cookies! Meanwhile, his pet giant monitor lizard, Snuffy, latches onto Yink’s leg and tries to drag him into the cellar. Special guest: This guy who used to be on Ozzie and Harriet.

4:10 P.M.  Ch. 66   MOVIE–Hard-boiled detective drama

In “The Postman Can’t Remember Where I Live,” Disney wash-out Titus Groan directs what has been called by umpteen critics “the darkest movie ever, it could make you despair of life” (Danish-Pictish, 1955: 14 minutes). Andre the Giant plays the postman with a poor memory, with Alvin Dark as the distraught customer waiting for an official announcement that he has won the lottery. Narrator: Porky Pig.

All right, so some of these are not exactly classics. So who said everything has to be this Great Work of Art?

(Come to think of it, I think it might’ve been me…)

quokka

I’ll cross dangerous waters to get to my TV set! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, June 8

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Thursday, September 7, 1967.... - Vintage Seattle TV ...

Holy moly, it’s already June 8. Soon we’ll be unpacking Christmas lights!

G’day, all–Byron the Quokka here, courtesy of Quokka University, with another weekend of TV that’ll make you think you’re already in Heaven… or somewhere else. Here’s a few of the selections.

12:42 P.M.  Ch. 09   MOVIE–“Andy Hardy” Knockoff

In “Bat-Boy vs. Andy Hardy” (Syro-Phoenician, 1955: 708 minutes) we have the film that touched off the lawsuit that sank Polecat Studios. They couldn’t get Mickey Rooney, so they settled for a relative unknown, Yi Feng Wao, and hoped for the best. See if you can guess why Polecat CEO Boris Tudeth drowned himself! Judge Hardy: “Nature Boy” Buddy Rodgers.

1 P.M.   Ch. 14  ROLLER DERBY: THUGS VS. INOFFENSIVE DULLARDS

Live from Kobooski Arena in Eczema, New Jersey: the Thugs bring unrestrained violence, the Dullards, academic tedium. And announcer Chip Peedle brings commentary in six different languages, none of which is English! Brought to you by Mealworm Emporium Inc.

Ch.  34   AIRWAY PATROL–True-life police drama

What happens when an entire State Police detachment is afflicted with uncontrollable giggling? Tune in and see for yourself! Today: Lt. Pitchley (Willie Mosconi) giggles himself into a full-blown Internal Affairs investigation run by a self-professed “witch” (Susan Sonntag). Special guest stars: The June Taylor Dancers (they’re all guilty).

1:30 P.M.   ENSIGN BUNDLECLUTCH–U.S. Navy sitcom

Ensign Jimmy Bundleclutch (Rory Calhoun) plays an idealistic young officer who leads a mutiny aboard the USS Punchy and embarks on a career of piracy on the high seas. Commander Snoad (Unidentified: always wears a mask) has vowed to catch him “and hang him where the sun don’t shine!” This week: the Navy demands Snoad stop saying that.

Well, folks, that’s that. You’re crazy if you watch anything else.

1,400+ Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images ...

Make sure you pick plenty of nice green leaves for snacks! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 25

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 2 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here–and have I got weekend TV for you! Here, take a peek.

6:18 P.M.   Ch. 08   ROD AND REEL FOR REAL!–Fishing tips from compulsive liars

Tired of fishing all day and catching nothing? Let host Matty Munchausen and his team of liars help you out! Remember, you can always buy a fish and say you caught it. This week: “I caught a swordfish in Tommy’s Pond!”

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 16  McKENZIE’S CHICKENS–Rip-roaring Western

Marshal McKenzie (Arlen Specter) is hampered by deputies who faint as soon as he needs them. This week: How to keep order when the Serial Killers Convention comes to town? This time, the marshal will rely on angry hornets. Prof. Bumble: Trent Lott. (Other retired U.S. Senators brought in as needed.)

7 P.M.   Ch. 46   NAKED NEWS–R-rated  nonsense

We’re airing this only because we don’t believe nudism is a viable option for serious journalistic endeavor. We urge you not to watch it. Anchors: Shabby Hayes, Helen Mellon. (Good grief, I can’t look!) Sports: This guy who looks like his mother got him with Green Stamps.

7:06 P.M.  Ch. 28  MOVIE–Lecture in someone’s living room

Why did the Mycenaean civilization never develop skis? Which Egyptian pharaoh got on everybody’s nerves? These questions and more will be answered in Fan My Brow, and I Mean Now (Croatoan, 1938: 687 minutes). Lecturer: Dr. Thteven Thmith. Background dancing: The June Taylor Dancers. Bonus: The Neolithic Yo-yo Craze.

These’ll really get you started, unless I miss my guess! And I keep wondering how they fit all the June Taylor Dancers into that guy’s living room.

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

“Let me in! It’s time for McKenzie’s Chickens!

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, May 11

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

From the Pages of TV Guide

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of TV that’ll restore your sanity and make you lucky at cards. At least that’s what they tell me.

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 60   BUZZWORD!–Incredibly annoying game show

Is it “iconic”? Were you “assigned the male gender at birth”? Were you ever a “pregnant person”? Join host Jimmy Fraud as celebrity guests try to outdo each other at spouting buzzwords. There can only be one winner! The others get tossed into the shark tank–always the favorite part of the show.

6:32 P.M.  Ch. 14   MOVIE–Horror, suspense, terror, etc.

In Night of the Dachshund (Serbo-Colchian, 1732: 14 minutes), retired mouthwash taster Roy LeBoy (Eddie Albert), bitten by he knew not what, turns into a ravening, savage dachshund whenever there’s a full moon. Mrs. Tweedle: Adrienne Barbeau. Tongue-tied man with pince-nez glasses: Arnold Stang.

7 P.M.   Ch. 08   ALEXANDER THE NOT-SO-GREAT–Sitcom

His dream is to conquer Asia–if he can find it on a map. This Alexander, played by this guy we found in Shipping & Receiving, doesn’t like being King of Kaput; he wants to be King of Somewhere Else. General Fung: Jayne Payne. Queen Poprock: Alice Ghastly. Assorted soldiers et al: The June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 34   NEWS FOR NINNIES–News you won’t see anywhere else

Reporters Angus Kabong and Sarah Bosh investigate unused picnic tables. Sports: Is pro wrestling really fixed? Really? Science news: Why does the ball in a Fly-Back always come back to the paddle? Anchors: Jeremy Skrinch, Sue Persimmins.

Well, folks, if those shows don’t do it for you, I don’t know what will.

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

Now all I have to do is get in somehow. Where did they put the door?

Byron’s TV Listings, April 27

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV May 7th through 13th 1983

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with weekend TV that’ll make your socks roll up and down! I hope you’ve got popcorn and chewy green leaves handy–you’re gonna need ’em!

Here are just a few samples.

6:36 P.M.  Ch. 08   THE CRUDELYS–Vile sitcom

Poppa Crudely (Jerry Manders) absent-mindedly mixes TNT with nitroglycerin and blows up City Hall–and is honored with a medal by the Palukaville Citizens Council. Mrs. Cafone: Linda Hunt. The Salamander Twins: Real salamanders that look alike. Featured: The June Taylor Dancers perform “Bang for the Buck.”

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 09   HARD-HEAD CHALLENGE–Grotesque sports

Who has the hardest head? John host Matt Flimsy as contestants try to survive head-on collisions with each other. Banned and condemned by the American Medical Assn. and the Society for the Protection of Ninnies! Liable to be canceled, and the producers arrested, at any moment… so watch it while you can.

7 P.M.  Ch. 51  MOVIE–(Turns some of the audience into werewolves)

In “I Live Face-Down in the Swamp” (French-Minoan, 1453 B.C. [they had to decipher the tablets first]; 646 minutes), Jimmy Stewart plays a defective robot that goes on a killing spree–and a moving company executive (Mary Stupid) falls in love with it! (The exclamation point is there because I had nowhere else to put it.) Police Commissioner: Some guy who wandered into the studio off the street, looking for his dog.

Ch. 76   THE LIFE AND TIMES OF POLECAT SIMMONS–Western drama

They don’t call him “Polecat” for nothing! This week: Polecat (Sir Anthony Fly) sparks a lethal panic when he enters a Native American sweat lodge. Capt. Wallaby: A trained octopus. Clan Mother: Barbara Billingsley. Tragical teenage lovers: Noah Beery, Dinah Shore.

How do you like that selection? I love those Minoan movies that they made thousands of years before the camera was invented!

Australia, curious Quokka with bicycle on Rottnest Island ...

(I wonder who left this bicycle here. Would they mind if I borrowed it?)

Byron the Quokka, signing off….

 

Byron’s TV Listings, April 20

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide Fall Preview 1976. Saturday morning cartoons, when they were a big deal. | Tv guide, Tv guide listings, Cartoons episodes

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with your weekend TV treats brought to you by Quokka University, where men are men (not mantises–people keep making that mistake).

Here are a few glaring examples:

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 03  NEWS WITH BOOZE–(Pretty much what you’d expect)

Where is it written that your news anchors have to be sober when they face the camera? “Makesh the wuddayacallit easier to take, y’know whad I mean?” says reporter Mushy Groves. Tonight: Sports Anchor Sheila Kabeela takes a stiff belt of rye to get through the MLB box scores.

Ch. 15   HOPPY & SOPPY–Children’s programming

The twins (O.C. Marsh, E.D. Cope) are embarrassed by Mom’s insistence that she is General Douglas MacArthur (Heather Locklear). It’s a big problem–because she’s running for school board president! Dr. Okefenokee: Albert Smarmy.  FBI agent: PeeWee Herman.

7 P.M.   Ch. 24  EAT ICKY THINGS TO GET RICH AND FAMOUS!–Exactly what it sounds like

Is there anything you won’t do for fame and money? Join host Bare-Knuckles Blake as he puts the hapless contestants through their paces. “Degrading! Shameful!” are among the more often used descriptive terms. This week (Forget about it! I refuse to lower myself by devoting one more word to this travesty).

7:07 P.M.   Ch. 46  MOVIE–Drama: Prenatal discretion advised

Victor Hugo stars as ace detective Gerard Manly Hopkins (whose job it is to detect aces in places where they shouldn’t be) in I’ve Got a Wombat in My Bathtub (Syrian/Etruscan, 2022: 19 minutes). See the intense bridge table scene which brought down the Hawaiian government. And that was after they cut out the bit about the octopus!

Well, that ought to get you primed for a weekend’s reveling in one-of-a-kind television!

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

What am I doing out here??? Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings, March 30

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 20th through 26th, 1982

G’day, buoys ‘n’ gulls!Byron the Quokka here with another weekend of TV paradise, brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a tantalizing sample of the fare.

5 P.M.  Ch. 17   SILLY COSTUMES NEWS–News in silly costumes (what else did you expect?)

You’ve got to admit the evening news is a lot more fun if all the anchors and reporters have to dress up in silly costumes! Like, Dan Rather sitting at a news desk is nothing special: but if he’s sitting there in a bunny suit with floppy ears,well, then you’ve got something! Sports: Some guy done up as The Cat in the Hat.

Ch. 27  MOVIE–One of those ‘Lost World’ thingies

Scary Dinosaurs in the Stop & Shop (Canadian-Mycenaean, 1988: 14 minutes) established director Tan Bu Ting as “the king of dinosaurs-in-the-supermarket movies.” Can a teenaged couple (Linda Hunt, Wade Boggs) get out of the cereal aisle alive, before the Palukaraptor gets them? Store manager: Adolph Menjou.

5:36 P.M.   Ch. 08  THE SPY WHO PINCHED MY BOTTOM–(You won’t believe how bad this is)

Louis Jourdan plays the ultra-suave secret agent who goes around pinching women’s bottoms and blaming it on the KGB. Best remembered for its horrible West German music score, this NATO TV series launched the janitorial career of Patrick “Pony Boy” McMegalon.

6 P.M.  Ch. 58   JIMMY FRAUD’S CENTER STAGE–Variety

The hard-hitting local cable TV reporter has a new gig as host of a variety show featuring acts no one else wants! This week: the Puncture-Proof Knife Throwers; Poopy the Dog; Sando the Invisible Magician; the June Taylor Dancers vs. the Imitation June Taylor Dancers in a winner-take-all bowling match. Special guest: the world’s greatest Beto O’Rourke mimic!

Well, folks, if these shows don’t do it for you, I’m going back to Rottnest Island. [Pssst! You’re already on Rottnest Island!]

Quokka

Ah, well: if you’ve got tasty green leaves, what else do you need?

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings, March 16

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

The Essential TV Guide Fall Preview Issues of the 80s, Part 8: 1984! | Branded in the 80s

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! And welcome to yet another weekend of brain-enhancing television, brought to you by Quokka University. I’m Byron the Quokka, and I endorse these shows! (I do want to keep working for Quokka U., y’know…)

7 P.M.   Ch. 08   SIDEWAYS NEWS–(Just what it sounds like)

Now, at long last, huzzah! You don’t have to lie down sideways to see what the news looks like sideways! They film the whole thing sideways. It’s kind of hard to explain. “We read the cue cards sideways!” boasts anchor Geoffrey Tweedle. Fashion report: Alvin the Octopus.

Ch.26   SAY IT IN TONGUES!–Game show

What are these people saying? How do you win the game? How do you even tell the game has started? Cable TV pioneer Jimbly Jorkesson has struck oil with this daring new concept in entertainment–entertainment that no one understands! Hostesses: the Certs Twins, from those old commercials. Featured: the June Taylor Dancers.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 53  MR. & MRS. BODILY FLUIDS, 2024–Another one of those “pageant” things

Live from that abandoned boardwalk in Carnival of Souls, host Bobby Lee Smurf tries to find out who will be this year’s Mr. & Mrs. Bodily Fluids–in a procedure that will not be described here. Special guest star: Some fat guy who wandered into the studio and can’t find the way out.

7:58 P.M.  Ch. 18  MOVIE–Western set at sea

In Yippee-yi-yo Glug-glug! (Ethiopian, 2017: 867 minutes), producers grapple with the challenge of shooting a sea-going Western in a land-locked country where cowboy movies are virtually unknown. Captain BooBoo: iconic Ralph Kiner imitator Rostick Brzwewski. Miss Coccyx: Jane Payne. Note: Director Tom Flung received a prison furlough to direct this movie, but could not be found after it was finished.

Well, there you go–just a small yet tantalizing sample of indescribable TV treasure. I can hardly wait to get started.

Quokka

(That’s my bike in the background. A beauty, isn’t it! Byron the Quokka, signing off…)