Tag: joe collidge

Honest, I Was Kidding REPRINT

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From December 15, 2019

Joe Collidge at rest

I’m a little daunted by the inexplicable success of Friday’s “Joe Collidge” post, “Trumpt he Is Finnished.” It had only seven views the day it came out: “Laid an egg with that one,” I thought. But Saturday it had 27–unheard-of! And this morning, ten more.

Just for the record, President Trump is not “Finnished” by any means, although we can surely hope the freakin’ Democrats are. Here in New Jersey, one of our Democrat Congressman is so disgusted with the dum-dum on Capitol Hill, he has announced his intention to turn Republican.

One of the perils of writing satire is that someone might take it seriously. I try to stay outside the bounds of credibility when I write satire, but the boundaries of real-world silliness are expanding all the time. What’s satire today may well be news tomorrow.

The “Joe Collidge” pieces are written with satirical intent, as a commentary on the blustering, blithering twaddle that calls itself “higher education.” If Joe ever says anything that turns out to be true, it’s pure accident. He certainly wouldn’t do it on purpose.

So don’t be afraid of anything he says. But be afraid of an “education” system that cranks out liberals. Be very afraid of that.

Joe Collidge Discovers Cryptozoology REPRINT

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Rabbit Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

 

From July 10, 2020

I wented to “a” reel kool lexture “last” nihght it was all abuot a New Scyints i has nevver herd “Of” it is caled Clepto-Zoo-Olligy! Oar somb thing “lyke” That!!

Did yiu know thare is aminals alll Over “the” Whirld that noboddy thay has sceen themb befour??? Somb of themb is Dynasores and Willy mammeths but somb of themb “thay” are smawl aminals and clepto zooollagists thay “Are” loocking al Over “the” plaice to fyned themb!!!!

We seen a Lot “of” slydes of theeze Secret Creetchers lyke :the “ones” up thare In the Pixture,, i hasnt nevver sceene nothing Like themb befour,, thay live Up In “The” deeep wooulds ware thare “is” aslo Big Foot and Choopa Capra and the Lock Nest Manster!!!!! Somboddy whoo was jist “a” Biggit “and” a Hater he sayed thay “are” Ownly plane old Rabbets so we beet himb up,, that is reel Socile Jutstus!!!!

Heer is anether Clepto Aminal.

Considering Consciousness Through The Eyes Of A Squirrel : 13.7: Cosmos And Culture : NPR

At frist i thinked I sceene One “Of” theeze onct rihght hear On Our Campis it was clyming “a” Treee but ackturally it is a Seecrit Clepto Zology Creetcher it livves in Affricker and the Naytivves thay are al Afrayed of it!!!! The lexture sayed it jist gose “To Shoh” that thare is Seecrit Creetchers evry ware!!!

The lexture thay sayed theeze aminals thay Are Prooof that Evilusion it is Reel and evin Peeple thay are goingto Evolve “into” somb thing Elsse so i amb goingto Keep a Iye out fore “it”!!!!!!

Joe Collidge Is… Pregnant? REPRINT

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Conceptual image of a pregnant man Stock Photo - Alamy

From  August 18, 2023

 

(And you thought it was a beer belly!)

O waht grate news!! Wahoo!!! The AM.A thay has figgred Out “haow to” get Trans Wimmins who Used “to” Be Men, haow to Get us Pregganint!!!!!!!!!!

It whil ownly Cost 300$Thowzind each,, “and” thay whil Trans Plannt a Yuteriss into yore gutz and Thare yiu go,,, yiu Can “be” Pregganint jist lyke a regglur wimmin ((OOps! i dint meen it!! Thare “Is” NO SUTCH THING as a Regglur Wimmin, we “Are” awl wahttevver )we Identrify As!!!!!

Iff yiu “get one(1)” Of themb yutarisses Trans Plant, heer it Is “The” Besst Thing abuot It—Yiu duzznt has “to” pay! The Guvvermint thay wil pay!!! Awl the munny it whil com fromb Tackses, witch “is” the “saim” as getting It For Free!!!!! How grate Is that?!?!?

Re-memmber, Sciyints It “is” awlyaws Rite and thare is lotza Sciyintists in the AM,A and sumb Of themb thay been to Meddackle Skool!!!!!

[Editor’s Note: You could look it up.]

We Has ‘Got’ To Ban Coughffee!!! REPRINT

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From January 20, 2023

Coffee Cup Convection | A Moment of Science - Indiana Public Media

Oh, “man”!”! We has jist fowned Out “that” coughffee “it” cawzes Climbit Chainge!!!! So we cauled a Merjintsy Meting “of The” Stoodint Soviet to de-mannd thay Ban Coughffee heer “At” collidge!!!!

We whur goingto voat “To” Ban Evvrything!!! but desiddid Not To Doo That becoze thenn Pot it wood “get bannned” and wee has Nutthing Left “to” Live Foar!!!!!! Suure glad we duckked That Bullit!!! So insted we jist bannned Coughffee!!

I knowed coughffee it Is Racist,, but i diddn Know “it is aslo” maiking the Climbit Chainge!! So fromb nhow On, ownly Spacial Heumin Beans lyke Johhn Kery shood be aloud “to”” Drinck It!!!!! We diddn Know That till this heer gye At Daavos he sayed so!!!!!! He aslo sayed We shood Eat Bugs and i tryed “It” oncet butt it hadd awl themb Legs kickkin and scrachin At Oncet and it got reely icky wen i chooed It!!!!!! Mayby a centerpeed it “whas” the rong kyned Of Bug!!!!

We voated yumannamus to Ban Coughffee and enny boddy whoo trys “to Drinck It” nhow,, thay whil Be Sari!!!!!

I Amb Drackuler!!! REPRINT

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Dracul: See the haunting cover for the Dracula prequel | EW.com

 

From November 5, 2019

Oman! To-morro “it” is Hallaween and I amb all “set!”! I amb goingto “be” Cownt Drackuler!!!! and i has a reel Scairy cosstomb for it too!

[Editor’s Note: Someone has asked me why Joe Collidge thinks Halloween is tomorrow, when it was last week. The answer to that question is “Because he’s an idiot.”]

Somb of yiu probbly doughnt know “abote” Drackuler! He was a Vampire!!! Thay cawl themb that becose a Vampire he wares “a” Black sute like a Umpire in a bawlgame!! The reel Drackuler he livved long Ago “in” whatt “is” nhow Nibrasker but it was cawled Trancilvainyer back Then!!!!! He hadded a cassle And “cood” tern hisself Into A Batt!!!! How cool “is” that???

Thare is lotts “Of” mooveys abuot Drackuler, i think i seen one once,, he Was “in a” Car or sombthing!!! Then he drincked somb blood!!!!! He hased theeze big teeths and i bett he wares “one” “of” themb MAGGA hats too but i amb hear At collidge and i coodnt fyned no MAGGA had and I woodnt “whare” one annyhow!!!!! Like thare Is “a” limmit!!!

So to-morro i whill Put “on” “my” cosstomb and Scaire peeple so thay wil Give “me” Candy!!!! Woodnt “that” “be” grate iff thay Thawt i reely amb Drackuler!!!! Mayby thay wood give me muney tooo!!!!!!

Dont Buy His Books!!! REPRINT

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From October 23, 2015

That guy who dose this blog, I am so made at him, he better wach out or elsse i’ll beet him up. He is alyaws goin on abote how collidge is a waist of time and money and trying to mak me look like a iddiot. Yiu cant even sea my donky ears becose now im wearing a hoody.

Well i dont lik what he saide aboat them prefessers at Cornel who say the unerversity sholdnt ouhgjt to hire repubblickins. He dont know nothin abute whatt it menes to be a interllectural so he shuld just shut up. And my prefesser he sayse we got to get this guy oncet and for al so that no one reeds him animore. And I says okay, prefesser, i kno just howe to do that.

This guy has al theese stopid books out theire wich he wants youall to reed and he has a new one comin out soon, it is caled The Temple.

Well this here book it is the wurst boock anyboddy ever wrote, it is jist terrable, you best not reed it if yiu kno whats good for yuo. Dont reed none of his books theye are awfful and besydes he is a Hater who dont beleave in Globbal Warming and he dont want wimmin to have a bortion. I kno somone who red that book Bell Mountain and gesse what hapened to him? HE DYED!!!

Aslo im goin to aske my prefesser Can we give out free Collidge Degres to evryone who dont reade this guys bookes? When she is Presdent, Hillery she wil give free collidge to evryboddy but i dont think she wil get made iff we do it ferst.

We DeManned A Corse oN gEtting Dresst!!!! REPRINT

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Why are women wearing shirts the wrong way round? | Fashion Trends - Hindustan Times

Doughnt lett “this” hapen To yiu!!!

From January 13, 2023

Wow! Fanntatstic!! Printstin Yunavarsitty thay “has Got” “a” Collidge Corse on Haow to Get Dresst!!!! And as sooon “as” we fowneded Out, us at “the:” Stodint Soviet we has De-Manndid to has it Heer!!!!!!

Letts fase It,, waht cood “be” Harder thann Getting Dresst “in” the Moarning?? Like wen yiu axadently putt yore Pants “on” Backkwords and then yore Un-Comfterble alll Day “and” yiu doughnt know Why!!! I dun that Three (#3) tymes lasst weak!!!! and Its reely a pane wen yiu putt Yore Shooze on “the” rawng feeet!!!! and aslo wen yiu looze Cownt of haow menny Shurts yiu got On!! And didd yiu evver Axadently get yore shurt and yore Pants micksed Up??? (I herd Of “a” Base Bawl playyer once whoo done That and thay awl maid Funn “Of” himb!!!]

Nun of themb Things thay wood hapen Iff we hadded a Corse on Geting Dresst!!!!!

I meen,, reely, Haow “Are” yiu saposed To Lern Stuff unlest thay teetch It “to yiu” in skool and Collidge??? Pressadint Jobydin he gone to Collidge and Look haow “he” terned Out!! Immajin haow Dum hee’d Look iff he diddnt Know haow to Get Dresst!!!! Butt i gess yiu Can “say That” abuot A lott of peeple!!!

 

 

I Has eated Brane Chips!!! REPRINT

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From  March 8, 2019

I was so exited Wen i herd abuot “a” Sceyentits” he is Inventting Brane Chips thay willl maike yiu Smart!!! and i was even moar exited wen i mett “this” gye hear at Collidge he “is” maiking Brane Chips tooo!!! and then he telled me he “was” looking fore Somboddy “to” trye themb out!!!!

“Wel i wuld be hapy to try it i sayed”! But he sayed i wuld has to Pay for it Lotts of mony,, yiu “got to Pay” “One Hunderd $1 dollers!” Of corse becose of Captilism i hasnt got no Hunderd Dollers so he sayed wel “alrihght, jist give me” “alll yore mony then!” so i gived himb the Two Dollers $$ “that it is Not reely enuohgh he sayed “yiu got to give me Somthing “else” and he sayed i culd taik a cupple Tests “four” himb becose he didnt Feel “lyke” taiking them his self and then he gived me A “bole” of Brane Chips!!! Thay tasted jist “lyke” Coarn Flaikes! and aslo thay looked lyke Coarn Flaikes tooo and i sayed “Are yiu Shure theese are Reel Brane Chips and not jist Coarn Flaikes??”” and “wen Do i stort getting Smarter'”?? and he sayed See “yiu” are geting Smarter all reddy!!”

Wel woodnt yiu Know “it”! i taiked themb Tests thay was jeeograffy or Som thing and aslo Introseckshanul Lego Studdys,,, i didnt Know nothing abote themb sujbecks And yeti Ased themb annyweiy!!!!! that was reely Som thing becose thay are “alll” Egstra Smart Stodints in themb classses and Al Of themb Thay al got Ays!!! That jeeogriffey Test itt was reely Hard expeshelly that One Queschin “”Ware is North Amarica in reelashin to Sowth Amarica???–and i didnt even Know i knowed that!!! i dont rembember waht i ansered but It must of bin Rihght!!

As sune as i “can” Get moar Mony i whil by Annether Bole of Brane Chips and maby i can past my neckst Gender Studdys Test!!!!

I love Nothing Studdies!! REPRINT

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for images of google eyes

[Editor’s Note: Now I can’t post a picture. I could post a picture ten minutes ago. Now I can’t. If you don’t hear from me any more, it means my head has exploded.]

From April 5, 2019

I amb so hapy i swiched my majer “to” Nothing Studdies it is grate!! and one of the Profesters he sayed the cool “thing abote Nothing Studdies is yiu woont nevver get no job so yiu Wil has to stay in Collidge four the “Rest” Of yore life”!! Wel that Is grate becose Work it blows and whoo whants Some stopid job anyhow?? it is mutch moare Impotant to maike Socile Jutstus than Work!!

To day in “class” frist we played whith Play Doe and then we roled “on” The flore and then we seen “a” Car Toon and then we hadded a De-bait whoo wood win In “a” fyhght beatwean Spyder Man and Acqua Man and we lernt Nothing at all!

I know wat al yiu Racist Biggits out thare yiu “aregoingto” say,, that “Joe Collidge he is a toetle waist of Spaice”! Wel you willl al be Laffing out “the” Other Syde of yore Faice when all us Interllecturals we come “out” and voat for Beato or Alexander Whatsername or (I hoap!!!!!) HILLARY!! and thay get to Be Pressadint,, yiu whil not think “That” is So Funny!!! Ha-Ha-Ha on yiu!

And now i has got to Go Studdy so i whil be Reddy for the Prestilential Electoin in Octoeber or wenevver it Is.

[Great–it lets me post that stupid picture of the eyes…]

 

Violet Crepuscular vs. Joe Collidge (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

(Editor’s Note: We had no Internet on Friday, not till suppertime, so there was no Joe Collidge post for that week. He threatened to break his toys unless I gave him some space.)

From August 11, 2024

 

I amb Out-Rayed!!! Imadgine!! Plublishing some stopid Rowmants insted of Socile Jutstus!! {Paragraph blacked out]

Didjiu sea “that”!”!” Thay sensered “me”!!! This heer it “is” toetully Crayzy!!!!! You doughnt senser Pro-Grestives!!!!!!!! Evvry boddy knows That!!!!!

[Enter Ms. Crepuscular. ‘Out, damned spot’ to Joe. ]

Introducing Chapter DCCXL of her interminable romance novel, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, has a bit of a fume.

“What does he mean, taking some of my space and giving it to that blithering idiot?” she demands. “Hello! Hello! I’m trying to write a novel here! Mr. Pudding and his newts–what do they care for inane American politics?

This was the chapter, she declares, in which we were supposed to find out what some of the June Taylor Dancers are doing in Scurvey Forest–and what Lord Jeremy Coldsore and Constable Chumley are going to do about it.

“I am going to hunt down this Joe Collidge nincompoop and have Mr. Pitfall break his arms!” Ms. Crepuscular writes. “How’s that for higher education!”