Tag: joe collidge

I Amb Drackuler!!! REPRINT

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Dracul: See the haunting cover for the Dracula prequel | EW.com

 

From November 5, 2019

Oman! To-morro “it” is Hallaween and I amb all “set!”! I amb goingto “be” Cownt Drackuler!!!! and i has a reel Scairy cosstomb for it too!

[Editor’s Note: Someone has asked me why Joe Collidge thinks Halloween is tomorrow, when it was last week. The answer to that question is “Because he’s an idiot.”]

Somb of yiu probbly doughnt know “abote” Drackuler! He was a Vampire!!! Thay cawl themb that becose a Vampire he wares “a” Black sute like a Umpire in a bawlgame!! The reel Drackuler he livved long Ago “in” whatt “is” nhow Nibrasker but it was cawled Trancilvainyer back Then!!!!! He hadded a cassle And “cood” tern hisself Into A Batt!!!! How cool “is” that???

Thare is lotts “Of” mooveys abuot Drackuler, i think i seen one once,, he Was “in a” Car or sombthing!!! Then he drincked somb blood!!!!! He hased theeze big teeths and i bett he wares “one” “of” themb MAGGA hats too but i amb hear At collidge and i coodnt fyned no MAGGA had and I woodnt “whare” one annyhow!!!!! Like thare Is “a” limmit!!!

So to-morro i whill Put “on” “my” cosstomb and Scaire peeple so thay wil Give “me” Candy!!!! Woodnt “that” “be” grate iff thay Thawt i reely amb Drackuler!!!! Mayby thay wood give me muney tooo!!!!!!

Dont Buy His Books!!! REPRINT

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From October 23, 2015

That guy who dose this blog, I am so made at him, he better wach out or elsse i’ll beet him up. He is alyaws goin on abote how collidge is a waist of time and money and trying to mak me look like a iddiot. Yiu cant even sea my donky ears becose now im wearing a hoody.

Well i dont lik what he saide aboat them prefessers at Cornel who say the unerversity sholdnt ouhgjt to hire repubblickins. He dont know nothin abute whatt it menes to be a interllectural so he shuld just shut up. And my prefesser he sayse we got to get this guy oncet and for al so that no one reeds him animore. And I says okay, prefesser, i kno just howe to do that.

This guy has al theese stopid books out theire wich he wants youall to reed and he has a new one comin out soon, it is caled The Temple.

Well this here book it is the wurst boock anyboddy ever wrote, it is jist terrable, you best not reed it if yiu kno whats good for yuo. Dont reed none of his books theye are awfful and besydes he is a Hater who dont beleave in Globbal Warming and he dont want wimmin to have a bortion. I kno somone who red that book Bell Mountain and gesse what hapened to him? HE DYED!!!

Aslo im goin to aske my prefesser Can we give out free Collidge Degres to evryone who dont reade this guys bookes? When she is Presdent, Hillery she wil give free collidge to evryboddy but i dont think she wil get made iff we do it ferst.

We DeManned A Corse oN gEtting Dresst!!!! REPRINT

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Why are women wearing shirts the wrong way round? | Fashion Trends - Hindustan Times

Doughnt lett “this” hapen To yiu!!!

From January 13, 2023

Wow! Fanntatstic!! Printstin Yunavarsitty thay “has Got” “a” Collidge Corse on Haow to Get Dresst!!!! And as sooon “as” we fowneded Out, us at “the:” Stodint Soviet we has De-Manndid to has it Heer!!!!!!

Letts fase It,, waht cood “be” Harder thann Getting Dresst “in” the Moarning?? Like wen yiu axadently putt yore Pants “on” Backkwords and then yore Un-Comfterble alll Day “and” yiu doughnt know Why!!! I dun that Three (#3) tymes lasst weak!!!! and Its reely a pane wen yiu putt Yore Shooze on “the” rawng feeet!!!! and aslo wen yiu looze Cownt of haow menny Shurts yiu got On!! And didd yiu evver Axadently get yore shurt and yore Pants micksed Up??? (I herd Of “a” Base Bawl playyer once whoo done That and thay awl maid Funn “Of” himb!!!]

Nun of themb Things thay wood hapen Iff we hadded a Corse on Geting Dresst!!!!!

I meen,, reely, Haow “Are” yiu saposed To Lern Stuff unlest thay teetch It “to yiu” in skool and Collidge??? Pressadint Jobydin he gone to Collidge and Look haow “he” terned Out!! Immajin haow Dum hee’d Look iff he diddnt Know haow to Get Dresst!!!! Butt i gess yiu Can “say That” abuot A lott of peeple!!!

 

 

I Has eated Brane Chips!!! REPRINT

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From  March 8, 2019

I was so exited Wen i herd abuot “a” Sceyentits” he is Inventting Brane Chips thay willl maike yiu Smart!!! and i was even moar exited wen i mett “this” gye hear at Collidge he “is” maiking Brane Chips tooo!!! and then he telled me he “was” looking fore Somboddy “to” trye themb out!!!!

“Wel i wuld be hapy to try it i sayed”! But he sayed i wuld has to Pay for it Lotts of mony,, yiu “got to Pay” “One Hunderd $1 dollers!” Of corse becose of Captilism i hasnt got no Hunderd Dollers so he sayed wel “alrihght, jist give me” “alll yore mony then!” so i gived himb the Two Dollers $$ “that it is Not reely enuohgh he sayed “yiu got to give me Somthing “else” and he sayed i culd taik a cupple Tests “four” himb becose he didnt Feel “lyke” taiking them his self and then he gived me A “bole” of Brane Chips!!! Thay tasted jist “lyke” Coarn Flaikes! and aslo thay looked lyke Coarn Flaikes tooo and i sayed “Are yiu Shure theese are Reel Brane Chips and not jist Coarn Flaikes??”” and “wen Do i stort getting Smarter'”?? and he sayed See “yiu” are geting Smarter all reddy!!”

Wel woodnt yiu Know “it”! i taiked themb Tests thay was jeeograffy or Som thing and aslo Introseckshanul Lego Studdys,,, i didnt Know nothing abote themb sujbecks And yeti Ased themb annyweiy!!!!! that was reely Som thing becose thay are “alll” Egstra Smart Stodints in themb classses and Al Of themb Thay al got Ays!!! That jeeogriffey Test itt was reely Hard expeshelly that One Queschin “”Ware is North Amarica in reelashin to Sowth Amarica???–and i didnt even Know i knowed that!!! i dont rembember waht i ansered but It must of bin Rihght!!

As sune as i “can” Get moar Mony i whil by Annether Bole of Brane Chips and maby i can past my neckst Gender Studdys Test!!!!

I love Nothing Studdies!! REPRINT

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Image result for images of google eyes

[Editor’s Note: Now I can’t post a picture. I could post a picture ten minutes ago. Now I can’t. If you don’t hear from me any more, it means my head has exploded.]

From April 5, 2019

I amb so hapy i swiched my majer “to” Nothing Studdies it is grate!! and one of the Profesters he sayed the cool “thing abote Nothing Studdies is yiu woont nevver get no job so yiu Wil has to stay in Collidge four the “Rest” Of yore life”!! Wel that Is grate becose Work it blows and whoo whants Some stopid job anyhow?? it is mutch moare Impotant to maike Socile Jutstus than Work!!

To day in “class” frist we played whith Play Doe and then we roled “on” The flore and then we seen “a” Car Toon and then we hadded a De-bait whoo wood win In “a” fyhght beatwean Spyder Man and Acqua Man and we lernt Nothing at all!

I know wat al yiu Racist Biggits out thare yiu “aregoingto” say,, that “Joe Collidge he is a toetle waist of Spaice”! Wel you willl al be Laffing out “the” Other Syde of yore Faice when all us Interllecturals we come “out” and voat for Beato or Alexander Whatsername or (I hoap!!!!!) HILLARY!! and thay get to Be Pressadint,, yiu whil not think “That” is So Funny!!! Ha-Ha-Ha on yiu!

And now i has got to Go Studdy so i whil be Reddy for the Prestilential Electoin in Octoeber or wenevver it Is.

[Great–it lets me post that stupid picture of the eyes…]

 

Violet Crepuscular vs. Joe Collidge (‘Oy, Rodney’) REPRINT

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Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

(Editor’s Note: We had no Internet on Friday, not till suppertime, so there was no Joe Collidge post for that week. He threatened to break his toys unless I gave him some space.)

From August 11, 2024

 

I amb Out-Rayed!!! Imadgine!! Plublishing some stopid Rowmants insted of Socile Jutstus!! {Paragraph blacked out]

Didjiu sea “that”!”!” Thay sensered “me”!!! This heer it “is” toetully Crayzy!!!!! You doughnt senser Pro-Grestives!!!!!!!! Evvry boddy knows That!!!!!

[Enter Ms. Crepuscular. ‘Out, damned spot’ to Joe. ]

Introducing Chapter DCCXL of her interminable romance novel, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, has a bit of a fume.

“What does he mean, taking some of my space and giving it to that blithering idiot?” she demands. “Hello! Hello! I’m trying to write a novel here! Mr. Pudding and his newts–what do they care for inane American politics?

This was the chapter, she declares, in which we were supposed to find out what some of the June Taylor Dancers are doing in Scurvey Forest–and what Lord Jeremy Coldsore and Constable Chumley are going to do about it.

“I am going to hunt down this Joe Collidge nincompoop and have Mr. Pitfall break his arms!” Ms. Crepuscular writes. “How’s that for higher education!”

Thare’s no Sutch Plaice As Frantz!! REPRINT

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Image result for images of funny map of france

From October 13, 2017

Back in hi skool i useter be reel good “at” joggraffy so yiu Can gess how i feeled “to-day” when A gesst lecksurer she tolled us “evrything” I lernt It Was “all” wrongg!!!

Take frinstants the contry “of” Frantz, the Frentch frys thay come from thare and as yiu “Can” sea form the mapp it is a eyland or somthing and It “is” boarderd by Tonga, Packastan, and Myopia! And than i lernt to-day that thare is No Sutch plaice as Frantz it is alll A big fat hokes!!!! and thare never “Was” no contry caled Frantz neether and it “is” al fake and the Rushins thay done it!!!

Yiu sea It was “a” Conspearassy thay made us beleave In Frantz so thay culd cheet Hillary “Out Of” being pressadint and aslo make al That Incomb Innaqualitty!! and aslo it tterns out Thare Are lotts of othor plaices thay isnt reel neether,, like Spane and Porchagul and Asia and Grease and aslo Izreel thay Are all fake Fake FAKE!!! Jist like that thare Moon landing!! it was Donold Trumpt and the Russhins and “the Bangkers” thay done it!!! So thay culd Cover Up Globble Warming and aslo Trans Phobier!!

Wel thay wil al Be laffing out The other “side of thare mouths wen the Socile Jutstus Wirers and Auntyfa thay come And get themm!! O wil thay “be”” sari then!!

I Can Too Fyned My A*__!!! REPRINT

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1,234 Clueless Cartoon Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

From  November 2022

Soawry I wassnt heer Yeasterday ware “I” amb souposed “to-Be”!”!” It was a Merjintsy!!!

We was hasing A de-bait abuot tying yore Shoos it “maiks” yiu A Racist! and this Biggit Hater he sayed “to” me “Yiu Are “a” toettle Doofus,, yiu cuddnt Fyned yore A-*-* whith Boath hands!!!”! And i sayed “I” “can tooo!” and he sayed “Proove it!”

And that “is” ware I was awl Day, prooving it.

Imadjin “my” horrar wen I turnt Aruound reel fasst and stil cuddnt See My Hynie!!!! Frist i looked “alll oaver The” roomb but it Wassnt Thare and thenn I looked Out-Syde and it wassnt thare neether and I stukk my Hands “in” the Goal-Fish Pond and fellt awl aruound “the” bottum but no luck!!! And aslo the Fish thay bitt me!!

Well I looked awl oaver “The” Kampas and i cuddnt fyned My A*-*- no-ware!!!!! Nhow i was Gettting whurried!! Maby Elecsion De-Nyers thay Took It!!! Oar Fobo-phobes!!! Probbly Wyte Strupremeists!!!!!!

I looked awl Day and awl Nite and i got Tyred and so I whent “to” Sit Daown and sumb boddy thay puled “The” Chare oaut fromb Undder “me” and i falled daown and it Reely “huerted”–And soddenly i Knowed ware “it was!!”” Becawse I yellled Oaut “Oh my A-S-S!””! And thare it Whas!!!! Ware i cudd Rubb “it” whith boath hands!!!! Watt a re-leaf!!!!!!

The Leaven of Idiocy REPRINT

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Image result for images of pregnant man

From October 13, 2017

If we can’t help wondering how our culture came to be the tangled sorry mess it is today, it’s well to remember the old principle mentioned in the Bible: “A little leaven leaveneth the whole lump” (1 Corinthians 5:6).

We got here by letting all these little bitty snippets of political correctness slip into our language and our thought. There they grew, like some brain-eating parasite from outer space.

And here comes another one.

Can you spot anything wrong with this headline? We Really Need to Stop Being So Awful to Pregnant People.

It goes with an article written by a woman who is an M.D., a gynecologist, and although she doesn’t say anything ridiculous in the body of the article, there is that headline. “Pregnant people” implies, does it not, that any “people” can get pregnant–not necessarily just women. Wow! Inclusive language! A gold star for you, doc!

I think we have a right to demand that those who use this expression produce a pregnant man. Not some kook shot full of hormones and surgically mutilated, but a real male human being with XY chromosomes who now happens to have a bun in the oven.

Y’know, I generally write Joe Collidge on Fridays; but the idiocy is pouring in so fast, I’m afraid Joe can’t keep up.

 

Joe Collidge: ‘I’m OK, Yore Not’ REPRINT

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Parints thay shood “jist” Shut UP!!!!!!

I reeded this “here” big long Artacle today!

https://justthenews.com/politics-policy/education/americas-richest-county-fights-trump-protect-boys-girls-restrooms-caves

(And thay say I “caint” reed!!!)

Fynely a juj says Its OK! fore Boyz to “use” Girls bath roombs!! ITS ABUOUT TYME!!!!!!

Butt then thay “tern aruound” and say we caint Forsse teetchers and prinsipples to use “Prefurd Pronowns”wen thay Tawk!!! Well watt kynde “Of” eddication IS That??? And nhow themb Fashists thay “want To” stopp “the” skools fromb giving kids a Bortion weather thayr Parints lyke It “or” NOT!!!! If That’s Eddication, then I’M a Axolotl!!!!!!!

Parints thay shood jist Butt Out “of” thare Kidz lyves!!!! PAY YORE SKOOL TACKS AND JIST SHUT UPP ABUOUT IT!!!!!! If I whant a Bortion, Isle get “my Secks” chainged and get Preganint and have a Bortion!!!!!! Becose the Skool whil Pay “for It!”!”!

Parints thay “are alyaws” intorfearing whith Pubic Eddication, thay shood awl Be throwed In Jail!!!!!