Cryptozoology at Quokka U.

Perth: Cutest quokka photo captured by Campbell Jones on Rottnest ...

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with an important announcement. Drop whatever you’re doing (unless you’re making nitroglycerine) and listen up.

We have decided to offer a course in Cryptozoology here at Quokka U., starting sometime in the future. What is Cryptozoology, you ask? Well, plain old Zoology is the study of plain old animals; but Cryptozoology studies animals that might not exist. But of course you’ve got to find them before you can study them.

Cryptozoology at Quokka U. will focus on searching for some of the most elusive critters known–well, okay, not known–to science. Here are some of the ones we’ll be really looking for:

Customer service reps who actually serve the customer.

College English majors who can actually speak and write English.

Sane liberals.

Really big and important people who don’t lie.

Leading socialists who don’t get rich.

The problem is, as soon as a cryptozoologist finally finds one of these creatures, it ceases to be cryptozoology and instantly becomes plain old zoology instead. Once they find Bigfoot, he won’t be ours anymore.

Well, the crypto-critters we’re after have proved to be a lot more elusive than Bigfoot.

Depending on how many students sign up for the course, we’ll get up an expedition to the Outback and see what’s out there.

‘No More Math for These Collidge Stoodints’ (2016)

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open Funny Image

In 2016 math was too hard for, er, students at Wayne State, Detroit–so Educators replaced math with Diversity Studies.

No More Math for These Collidge Stoodints

“Diversity Studies? What’s Diversity Studies?”

It’s a joke, matey, and the joke’s on you! Even if you’re not paying tuition for a totally worthless diploma, eventually you’ll have to pay, along with all the rest of the country. Oh, yeah, America’s gonna pay for this. Tens of thousands of embittered, ignorant, unemployable ex-college students clogging up the economy and getting into trouble–yeah, we’ll pay for that.

We can always hope that at least a chunk of our higher education system won’t survive the Chinese Death Virus crisis. Hope and pray.

‘Higher Education’ (LOL) Feeling the Pinch

Napkins 33x33 cm - Happy Puppies by Wimmel Napkins

The president of the University of Wisconsin has warned the schools in his system that times are going to be tough, financially, and advised them to concentrate on “signature programs worthy of preservation” (https://www.startribune.com/cross-orders-uw-to-prioritize-courses-prepare-for-layoffs/570267982/). This, of course, is all due to the coronavirus panic and the shutdown of our nation’s economy.

Hmm… Now what programs might those be? Women’s Studies? Transgender Poetry? Critical Race Theory? Superhero Studies? Advanced Crying?

Well, sez the prez, brace for layoffs and keep “basics” like math and English that undergraduates need, to get a diploma… “if we want the system to survive.”

They’re miffed at Wisconsin’s Republican legislature for not letting them raise the tuition, two years in a row–a measly $10,555 in-state, and $36,805 out-of-state–and they don’t know how they’re gonna keep the party going: gee, it costs money to offer all that Woke Stuff–Beyonce Studies, Lesbian Philately, blah-blah-blah. To say nothing of the remediation for all the stuff the kiddies should’ve learned in high school, but didn’t.

For the most part, America’s colleges and universities deserve to go broke, and the process should be hastened. The whole idea that “everybody has to go to college!” was never anything but nonsense. The whole thing needs to be pruned way back. We could probably erase 90% of our whole university system and suffer no ill effects from it.

Betcha anything we can do without it!

Collidge it Is geting Stresstfull!!

Fight between RNT Medical college students | Multiple students injured

hear At Collidge we “are” hasing Seacrit clases becose “we” “are” All saposed to Go Hoam but we doant whant To and aslo our Famblies thay “doant” whant us to ether and Collidge it is saposed To Be shut “down” becose “Of” “the” Vyris!!! Annywhay, sumb of Us “we” are Stilll going “to” Clas butt No One thay are aloud “to” seee us doo it and the Teeching “it” Is nhow totoly Seacrit,, thay woont even Tell “us” watt thare Teeching Us!!! Becose “of” alll this,, Collidge it is geting very Stresstfull!!!!!!

This hear Moarning in Nothing Studdies ((fore Instants]  Two Stoodints thay hadded a Fihght over thare Passed Lyves!!!! The one Gye he sayed he useto Be Cleeo Patra in a passed lyfe and then this “other” Gye he sayed “”No no it Was me,, i whas Cleeo Patra!!! and thay” got Madder and Madder and neckst thing “yiu” know thay was puntching and kikking and byting eech other “And” roling arowned on “the” floar!!!! i thinked the Prefesser she was goingto Stop it but instedd she jumpted Up “on” “the” Dessk and singed sumb Song abote a Dead Man’s Chess and a Botle Of Rum!!!

And jist wen i thawdt thay wer Goingto Stop Fiting becose one Gye he hadded a bluddy Noase and the other Gye “he” hadded a busted Coccyx theez three Moar Stoodints twoo of themb was Gurls thay eeach sayed She whas Cleeo Patra tooo and thay gotted Into “a” fite tooo!!!!

I runned awheigh thenn Becose i didnt “want” Tobe thare wen The reel Cleeo Patra sho’ed UP!!!!

i donot Know how Long “we” can Stand al this hear Stresst,, i am Affrayed that sumb of “us” thay mite Go Crayzy!!!!

Stealth ‘Education’

Review: The Nutty Professor - Slant Magazine

What could our colleges possibly have to hide?

(Thanks to Phoebe for the nooze tip)

With colleges and universities shut down in quarantine, “educators” and students are trying to provide a college education online. In itself, a good idea. But you know what happens to good ideas when leftids get hold of them.

Some professors are getting worried about the content of their, er, “teaching” becoming generally known to the public (https://moonbattery.com/profs-fear-public-will-learn-what-they-have-been-teaching/). Like, what would happen if parents found out what they were really getting for their tuition money?

Warns a professor at Texas Christian–“Christian”? Did I read that right?–University, “If you are recording a lecture on anything controversial, be prepared for the right-wing sites to ask students to share it.” Whoa! We can’t let that happen! Just one of those “down with white people” spiels, viewed online by thousands of white parents who are paying a fortune for their kids’ minds to be gelatinized by these left-wing jidrools, and the whole Higher Education enterprise could be jeopardized.

Another professor suggests posting course materials on youtube as “unlisted videos,” so you’d need to have the direct link to view them.

When I was substitute teaching in a certain high school, some years ago, the only class that was never handed to a substitute was Sex Education. If the teacher was absent, a vice principal had to supervise the class. They had a strict rule against bringing any textbook out of the classroom, lest the student take it home and his parents see it and start asking awkward (and heated) questions.

So they want to hide their content from the paying public! Doesn’t that just puff you up with confidence?

One naturally suspects that yeah, they’ve got plenty of bad stuff to hide.

Defund the colleges. Put them into the free market and let them sink or swim. And don’t expect a lot of swimming.

Master of Morons

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(Thanks to Susan for the nooze tip)

When moronic Far Left college students tried to shut down the New York City subway system on Jan. 31, The New York Post has reported, the mastermind behind it seems to have been a New York University professor who teaches “militant activism” and whose contact information has since been deleted from the NYU website (https://nypost.com/2020/02/15/nyu-professor-founded-anarchist-group-that-attacked-subways-last-month/).

This guy, who wasn’t born here but has a nice life in America, is the founder of a bunch called “Decolonize This Place” and a teacher in NYU’s “experimental humanities” department, exploring the connection between “art and activism.” Honk if you think NYU has way too much money to spend on frivolous horseschiff.

His social media posts have been taken down, too; but we hear they included instructions on how to stab or blind police officers. The students who attacked the subway system reportedly did some $100,000 worth of damage to public property–while demanding “free” rides on the subway for everyone, from now on, and the removal of all police presence from the subway system. Can you imagine what would happen, if they actually did that? Only persons bent on suicide would dare to ride the subway.

Just now, neither NYU nor the NYPD are commenting on the case. There’s some movement among non-radical students to get Professor Yo-Yo fired… But then who would teach “art and activism”?

Do we really need to open our borders to persons who hate the United States and want to bring it down?

Meanwhile, defund the universities. No more public money!

We Deamanned eezy Corses!!!

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Tooday we hadded “a” meating of The Stodent Soviet to de-manned fromb nowh “on” thare be Nothing butt Reel Eezy Corses hear at Collidge so evry One thay can Gradurate!!!

Al the collidge it has to Do “is” drop al themb Hard Corses! I knowed a gye he “was” taking Allergebra and it was jist Awffle!!! It was tooo hard! Thare shoodnt be “no” Math in collidge becose Math it “is” ownly For no good stinkin wyte Peple!! And yiu know watts wrong whith “it???” Yiu woont beleave it!!! Thay keep sayin thare is A Rihght Ansir to evry Promble! And al the Otther Ansirs thay “are” Wrong!!! This is Racist!!!

Butt wee aslo deamanneded thay get Ridd “of” Histary becose its Old! and get ridd of Englisch becose its jist wyte Privlidge! Al themb Ackadimmick corses thay are ownly “in” thare to maik stodents feeel Bad!!! Themb proffs thay jist caint whayt to Flunk yiu!!!!

Constaquintly becose of al themb Hard Corses thare “are” Stodents who cant gradurate “And” thay dont get no Deegree or nothing!!! Lasst yeer we jist fowneded Out that our Graduration Rayt “it was” ownly Nineteeen 19 Parsent!!!! That is unconsional!!! The Rayte it shood Be One hunderd 100 parsent!!!

I amb luccky i amb majering In Nothing Studdies and noboddy thay nevver Flunks Nothing Studdies!!!! Acksipt for this one gye he Flunkeded the Fynal becose he eated The Test and thenn got Sick alll Over “the” prefesser’s Desque!!!!!! Butt evry Boddy elst we al getted Strait As!!! Al we got “to Do” is keep paiying “the” Tution and in Fyve 5 oar Sicks 6 Yeers we gets our Deegree!!!

And yiu sea that oncet Evry Boddy thay all gets Strait As,, then Evry Boddy thay “are” Eaquol!!! Eaquolitty it “is” Goood!!!!!!!!!!

My Favret Super Heero!!!

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Yeasterday in Nothing Studies “the” prefesser she assined us To Wreite a Termb Payper on “”Whom is Yore Favret Super Heero?””! It “is” doo by the End of “the” Smester and It whil cownt fore Haff our Grayd!!! But That it is “no” promble Becose she is goingto Give us All A’s annyhow,, it wood Be “a” Micro Grecian iff she gived us anny thing but a A!! She sayed this hear payper it “is” a Extrasize in Crickle Thinkking!!!!

Wel i was reely Stuck! Haow do yiu pick yore Favret Super Heero wen thare “is” so Menny Of “themb” and yiu Lyke themb alll??? SupraMan and BahtMan and Aqwavellva Man to saye Nothing “of” Wolfereen and the Blak Pander and Speiderman!!

Butt finely i desiddid my Favret Super Heero of themb “all” it is Wouldy Wouldpecker!!!!!!

Crimbinols and Climbit Chainge Denyars and Haters thay alll gives up and cry wen “thay” here Wouldy Wouldpecker lauhght!!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!! Wen thay here that they know thay Are finnish!!

And gee wow!!! I jist reelyzed “that” i can jist hand “in” this hear Post and that “whil” be my Termb Payper and i woont has to doo anny moar Work “on” it!!!!!!!!!!

Man i amb reely Geting “the” Hang of Collidge!!!

Lib Profs Outnumber Conservatives, 12-1

Melissa Click, an assistant professor in the University of Missouri's communications, gestures during a run-in with student journalists on Nov. 9, 2015, at a campus protest that followed the resignations of the university system's president and the Columbia campus' chancellor in Columbia, Missouri. (Associated Press)

(Thanks to Susan for the nooze tip)

Okay, who’s surprised about this? A study shows that Far Left college professors outnumber conservatives, 12-1 (https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2016/oct/6/liberal-professors-outnumber-conservatives-12-1/). The researchers surveyed 40 “leading universities” and found the faculty voter registration figures to be about 3,600 Democrat to only 300 Republican. It sounds like Thermopylae.

Why the huge disparity?

The researchers reasoned–rather shrewdly, I thought–that the main cause of this has been academic disciplines “branching out” into Silly Studies–women’s studies, gender studies, Everything Is Racist studies, and all the rest of it–that no conservative professor could ever bring himself to “teach.”

Job One for our colleges is to crank out more Far Left crazies. Job Two is to expand perpetually, so as to find jobs for as many of these chowderheads as possible. That a vast swath of them are totally unemployable even by colleges is of no concern.

Public schools, teachers’ unions, our grotesquely overgrown “higher education” system–kill these, and Far Left Crazy dies. In America, at least, what we laughingly call “education” is leftism’s life support system.

That alone is ample reason to defund it.

‘University Scandal! Brain-Removal Operations’ (2015)

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Sometimes the reason people act like they have no brains is because they have no brains.

University Scandal! Brain-Removal Operations

But the serious point is that we have way too many colleges and universities, with way too many young (and not-so-young) students warehoused in them, “learning” way too many stupid things from way too many daft professors, it costs way, way, way too much money–and it’s strangling our country.

Defund them.