Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 15

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of fantastic television, brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s just a bit of the menu.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 03   JOHNNY POTATO-HEAD–Adventure

What if Mr. Potato Head were a secret government agent, a master of disguise, and all-around nebbish? Ricardo Montalban plays the classic toy with the huge brown head and goofy eyes that pop in and out. Sophia Loren is his comical sidekick, Mrs. Potato Head.

Ch. 11  THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN COCCYX–Detective Drama

John Cassavetes plays Victor Tailbone, the hard-boiled private eye with the golden coccyx that scares the living daylights out of the most hardened criminals. This week: Crime boss Sonje Henie (Mickey Mantle) tries to turn Victor’s pet axolotl (Lorne Greene) against him.

7:18 P.M.  Ch. 12  CELEBRITY SKY-DIVING–Totally stupid risk-taking

You’re a celebrity on your way out, career in ruins… But if you can parachute safely after flying over Perth Amboy, NJ, your comeback is assured. If not… “Well, we never said all our parachutes were in proper working order!” quips host Rip Taylor (who is very lucky not to be a contestant himself). Special guest sky-diver: Pee Wee Herman.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 28  VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF LAKE HOPATCONG–Drama

The crew of the USS Jerry Mathers won’t let Admiral LaFong (Richard Baseheart) take the sub all the way to the bottom–because of an underwater city inhabited by the June Taylor Dancers. Featured song: My Duodenum Isn’t Working. Guest star: Pinky Lee.

8:00 P.M.  Ch. 45  WHO’S GOT COOTIES?–Game Show

Join host Justin Trudeau as he peers into the depths of contestants’ knickers to see which ones have cooties! The celebrity panel–Abbot & Costello, Patty Duke, Chelsea Clinton, Howard Cosell–has 5 minutes in which to determine who has cooties and where. If they fail, they have to take Trudeau home with them.

968 Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

Well, that’s that! Let the weekend rattle on by while you enjoy nice crunchy leaves and TV programs whose like you’ve never seen before. Quality guaranteed!

Am I a Seer, or What? (Ask Mr. Potato Head!)

See the source image

Have I got insight? Back in 2016, five years ago, I wrote a sprightly little satire about Mr. Potato Head being banned by presidential executive order–for reinforcing Hate against “gay families” (a total oxymoron) and trannies.

And this year Hasbro, the company that sells the toy, announced it was dropping the “Mr.” so children could create Potato Head families with “two dads.” See “Canceling Mr. Potato Head,” March 2, 2021.

Exec Order Bans… Mr. Potato-Head

Actually, it’s not much fun being right about schiff like this. Even silly little toys can’t escape having abominations heaped on them, these days. Our popular culture is very much in the abomination business.

Although I do like to think that canceling Mr. Potato Head just might possibly maybe could wind up canceling the cancel culture itself.

Canceling Mr. Potato Head

Mr. Potato Head screenshots, images and pictures - Giant Bomb

There’s a price on his potato head!

Why do corporations do this–bow and scrape, and grovel, trying to gain the approval of Organized Sodomy?

The latest example is Hasbro, the toy corporation, and one of its longest-running and most successful toys: Mr. Potato Head.

Hasbro has announced that in the interests, as usual, of Inclusiveness and Diversity (can you gimme hallelujah?), it’s going to drop the “Mr.” from Mr. Potato Head and… “let kids create their own types of potato families, including two moms and two dads” (https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/mister-no-more-mr-potato-163741315.html). Barf bag, please.

And in the interests of having it both ways, Hasbro has left the toys themselves virtually unchanged.

Mark Simone says that if anything can kill the Far Left Crazy, it’ll be this absurd fetish of being mortally offended by totally trivial and silly things… like the “gender” of Mr./Mrs./Ms./Fhz. Potato Head. If that’s what gets you cranking, there’s obviously something wrong with you and no one should listen to you anymore.

The whole Woke Idol being cast down, in the end, by Mr. Potato Head…

What a great way to end the story!

Exec Order Bans… Mr. Potato-Head

This classic children’s toy was first brandcd racist in Rhode Island in 2000 ( http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/chatterbox/2000/09/is_mr_potato_head_racist.html ).

Breaking News: Now, by Presidential Executive Order No. 33,478,609, the federal government will confiscate all Mr. Potato-Head sets, new and old.

Why?

“It was bad enough that Mr. Potato-Head, ever since he was invented in 1949, spread and promoted racism,” said White House spokesperson Valerie Schlemozzle. “But now we know that Mr. Potato-Head also spreads homophobia, Climate Change Denial, Gender Change Denial, cissexism, and ableism. And the President has decided, Enough is enough!”

Starting the week of May 1, Attorney General Loretta Lynch explained, anyone found in possession of a Mr. Potato-Head toy will be shot.

“Our president knows he has but a little time left in office, and his wrath is very great,” said Ms. Lynch. “He will not leave office knowing that Mr. Potato-Head is still out there!”

April Fool.