Sludge Dumpers Say Jersey Fish Committed Mass Suicide

An Inquisitor column from August 4, 1976

Evidence provided the State Assn. of Sludge Producers and Dumpers indicates that the massive fish kills off the Jersey shore are an example of mass suicide among the lower animals.

“They killed themselves,” said Dr. Jack C. Robbin, a biologist retained by the association, “and that’s all there is to it.”

“Dr. Robbin’s findings lay to rest, once and for all, the fallacious rumor that sludge dumping kills marine life.” said Harold Slyme, president of the association.

The reasons for the catastrophic deaths of fish, lobsters, clams and other ocean creatures have been hotly debated.  The ecology-minded have blamed it on sludge-dumping, while others have attributed it to natural causes.

The arguments pointing to sludge as the culprit were strong.  Sludge can smother clams and other burrowers by clogging up their air holes, can poison fish that feed on sludge-coated plants and tiny animals, and may carry bacteria whose activities can upset the oxygen balance in the water.

“The infamous ‘Dead Sea’ is not our fault,” declared Slyme, referring to a 20 square mile patch of ocean floor off New Jersey which is now devoid of life.  “Dr. Robbin sent several divers down there, and the ones who came back reported that no sludge was present.”

(Environmentalist groups have called that statement “an out-and-out lie” and advised interested observers to “ask any oceanographer.”

One of the divers, Arthur Kill, described a scene on the ocean floor just off the mouth of the Manasquan River.

“It was horrible,”  Kill said, “I saw several lobsters crouched in a hara-kiri position, just like a bunch of little Japanese generals.  Dozens of clams had closed up their shells and literally starved themselves to death, and fish were belly-up everywhere.”

The fish, he explained, had apparently committed suicide by refusing to circulate water through their gills.

“We knew it wasn’t sludge,” said Slyme.  “After all, we’ve been pumping sludge into the ocean for years, and there are still more fish in it than you can shake a stick at.  Until Dr. Robbin finished his investigation we would’ve bet on the natural-causes theory as the answer.”

The Middle Atlantic Coastal Fisheries Center, which maintains a laboratory at Sandy Hook, postulated several causes for the disaster.

“A number of environmental factors including temperature extremes, low oxygen, disease and toxic substances can contribute to fish and shellfish mortalities,” reads a press release from the center.   Ruling out disease and temperature change, fish scientists found a very low concentration of oxygen in the water where the fish kills occurred.

The scientists said the low oxygen level could have been caused by an excessively high bloom of plankton (small plants and animals).  When the plankton die and sink to the bottom, the report continued, bacteria will feed on their remains and in the process, use up oxygen.  If there were an excess of dead plankton, there could be an excess of oxygen-using bacteria which would cause an oxygen shortage.

“Some people were trying to blame us for causing the excessive plankton bloom in the first place,” said Slyme.  “Here and there crackpots were saying that the presence of sludge made the bacteria population explode.  But now we know that’s a lot of bull.”

The State Assn of  Sludge Dumpers and Producers was formed several months ago to combat the bad publicity which has been growing up around oceanic waste disposal over the years.  Various municipalities, sewerage authorities and manufacturers have joined.

The association has entered the fight against a recent EPA order intended to eliminate sludge dumping by 1981, and Slyme said that Dr. Robbin’s findings would be presented as evidence that sludge-dumping causes no harm to marine life.

“You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.”  Slyme said.  What are we supposed to do with all the sludge and other noxious wastes our society produces–make perfume out of it?  If you want progress, you have to mess up the environment a little.  At least if we dump the sludge into the ocean, nobody has to worry about stepping in it.”

“Oceans cover about 70 per cent of the earth’s surface,” Dr. Robbin said, “Furthermore, nobody lives in the ocean.  It’s only common sense to dispose of waste in the ocean where you have all that room, than on land where you have less and less open space every year.”

Many scientists have expressed doubts about Dr. Robbin’s findings.  Even if the fish did commit suicide, they argue, what would make them do it?

“Beats me,” conceded Dr Robbins.  “I can’t read a fluke’s mind. Maybe the lobsters figured it was better to do a job on themselves than to sit around and wait to get caught and boiled alive.”

But many remain unconvinced.  Indeed, one scientist interprets the suicides as damning evidence against sludge dumping.

“You’d think about killing yourself, too, ” the scientist said, “if somebody kept dumping all that crap on your head.”

 

 

Lookin’ Bad for Me

1,723 Sick Turtle Stock Photos, High-Res Pictures, and ...

I wanted an image of a sick turtle, and this is what they gave me. By cracky, that turtle is a tower of health and strength, compared to what I am.

I’m not getting any better. I feel horrible.

Patty says I should get more exercise. The thought of doing so is a very daunting one… because everything hurts.

Please pray for me.

Does Your Dog Love You?

Do you have a dog waiting for you to come home–and goes wild with joy when you come up the sidewalk? My stars, you can’t beat that!

Sometimes our cats would run to the door when we came home. But cats are less excitable than dogs. And iguanas even more so. I think our turtle was our biggest fan.

A Face in the Tree

Faces in trees??

I had a bad night last night, but today’s weather was cool and refreshing, so I went outside to enjoy a cigar.

By and by, I saw something.

At the end of our sidewalks stands a mighty tree, a sycamore… and today it had a face on it. (Uh-oh! He’s getting loopy.) Yeah, I know. But I’m not talking about a new Mount Rushmore.

For this tree has a face. You have to look closely, and then you’ll see it. The mouth is in a grimace, the eyes are scrunched half shut, and the nose is wrinkled. I wash I had a photo.

It won’t be there tomorrow, of course. Things like that never are.

Do you know what your trees get up to, when you aren’t looking?

Pet Iguana Plays Fetch

My iguana was very friendly with people and dogs (minus just a few he didn’t like). In fact, he looked a lot like the iguana in this video.

Here’s the secret. Iguanas come into this world as social animals. The eggs hatch and the babies look out for one another. Before long, they outgrow that and go their separate ways.

But if you adopt one when it’s still just this little green thing who likes to ride on your shoulder, he will remain a social animal for all his life. Humans, dogs, cats–these lizards are quick to make friends.

And they’ll even play Fetch with you.

Giant Ground Sloths on the Loose!

Time to flush out my brain!

YouTube abounds with, er, “sightings” of extinct prehistoric animals… among them, the giant ground sloth. Several species of these populated North and South America. We don’t know why they went extinct, but we do know they’re not here anymore. Or do we?

I admit to a lifelong fascination with prehistoric creatures, and I would dearly love some of these goofy YouTube stories to be true. I can’t help reading unproved claims of giant sloths stepping into tar-pits, etc., according to witnesses who can’t possibly be traced. And maybe you wind up wondering, “Gee, was King Kong’s island for real?”

Well, there’s no quality control on the Internet, and anybody who knows how to do it  can put up a post on anything he or she might imagine.

And sometimes you need a little goofiness.

Scary Nooze from Greenland

Buried Lake Erupts Under Greenland’s Ice, Unleashing A Colossal Crater

In case you can’t read the above, “A hidden lake beneath Greenland’s Harder Glacier unexpectedly erupted, unleashing a powerful surge of water that carved a massive crater in the ice…”

It created a crater said to be “the size of a city.” And it’s been doing all sorts of things [drum roll, please] described as “UNEXPECTED.”

Well, we know what happens next, don’t we? They make demands: higher taxes, huge increases in government’s arbitrary power, major restrictions on our basic freedoms (especially freedom of speech, we don’t want that going on), etc., etc.

Y’know, they could look at the fossils and find out there used to be all kinds of amphibians in Greenland–and therefore no glaciers.

And then they would think of some way to use that against us.

This Is One of My Favorites

C.R. Knight - Uintatherium with Eohippus in the foreground

Behold the massive Uintatherium, brought to life in this painting by Charles R. Knight, the master painter of prehistoric life. As a bonus, he threw in a few Eohippus (“dawn horse” in the foreground.

And Lord Reesh got a fleeting glimpse of one in The Last Banquet.

Digging Up the Past to Understand Our Climate Future | Natural History  Museum of Utah

Look at that skull, all knobs and fangs. They used to have a Uintatherium skull in the Rutgers Geology Museum. The skull alone was as big as a full-grown German shepherd. I could never walk past it without stopping to wonder at it. The whole animal was about the size of a car.

I never could figure out how it got by with such a tiny brain case. Maybe that didn’t matter much, back then. The animals that competed with it for food weren’t exactly College Bowl material.

I would be very happy to dream of Uintatherium tonight.

‘Unwanted Pets’? Throw ‘Em to the Lions

A person holding a guinea pig in their hand.

[Thanks to Susan for the nooze tip]

Do they get a trial?

Flak aimed at the Aalborg Zoo has been incoming from all over the world, thanks to the zoo’s request for “unwanted pets” to be used as food for predators (https://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/this-zoo-wants-your-guinea-pig-as-food-for-its-predators/euy3qd03w).

Don’t fret! They’ll take healthy animals and euthanize them before giving them to Jaws–chickens, rabbits, guinea pigs… and even a horse, if there’s nothing wrong with it.

This is creeping people out, world-wide. It scrapes against deep emotions. Due to my health, I find myself without a pet for the first time since I was five years old or so–and I feel it. How I miss our cats! And my iguana, and our turtle, and so many others. Life doesn’t feel right without our pets.

And these gavones want to throw them to the wolves?

Not on your life, bozo.

Jolly Coyotes

I’ve heard there are coyotes who haunt the wooded fringes of our local golf course, occasionally bushwhacking a deer when the opportunity crops up. Some of these tales are a bit raw. Besides which, we’re the suburbs. How did we wind up with coyotes?

Meanwhile, here’s a jolly coyote who plays with dogs–on leashes, no less–and frolics in the rain. They didn’t let him stay there, though.

Doesn’t seem quite fair.