A few days ago, I caught myself thinking, “Now I know why the Democrats have trotted out this whole parade of goofs, kooks, and socialist weirdos as presidential candidates! It’s so Hillary Clinton can come galloping to the rescue at the last minute–‘It’s okay, I’m here, you don’t have to nominate one of those!’ She will be offered to us as the sane alternative.”
Check that. ‘Cause now Hillary has come up with a new excuse for losing the 2016 election. And it’s a doozy.
She now attributes her loss to “flashing videos” (now you see ’em, now you don’t) on “the dark web” that turned the stupid voters against her (https://dailycaller.com/2019/10/24/hillary-clinton-flashing-videos-dark-web/). These videos, she explained, are such that “nobody can find them, but you’re going to see them and you’re going to see that person [the subject of the video: to wit, her] doing these horrible things.”
An obscure candidate for the 2020 Democrat presidential nomination, children’s book publisher Kay Lastima, wants to hold a binding national referendum on the Bill of Rights. Ms. Lastima is so far back in the pack, she leads only New York Mayor “Bill DeBlasio” (not his real name) in the race for the nomination.
But her call for a referendum on the Bill of Rights already has most of the other candidates leaping aboard the bandwagon.
“Let’s face it!” she told CNN last night. “Some of those old, outmoded provisions in the Bill of Rights need to be voted off the island! One thing I’ve learned in my business–either you keep up with the times, or the times will keep up with you!”
Ms. Lastima’s publishing company, Fat-Head Books, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy earlier this year after its most ambitious book, Babies Like Getting Aborted, failed to sell a single copy. She currently lives with her mother at the Tie-Dee-Bole Adult Community in Earwig Cove, Florida.
“Look how they’re all following my lead already!” she said. “Bernie, Beto, Liz, Kamala, Spartacus, and even boring old Uncle Joe–they all agree with me that the whole Bill of Rights should be scrapped and then replaced with something better. But I’m the only one who already has the Southern Poverty Law Center drawing up replacement rights! Who needs a right to free speech, when you’ve got a right to free cable TV? Who needs a right to bear arms, when you’ve got a right to a free college degree in Gender Studies? Out with the old, in with the new!”
Appearing on CNN last night, Ms. Lastima wore a “Your Country Sucks!” T-shirt and an Annunaki hat made from half a volleyball.