Tag Archives: halloween

A Halloween Story

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This mini-story occurred to me this morning. It is pure fiction intended to give you a harmless little shudder.

Halloween at Bill Nye Public School. At lunchtime the children are allowed to change into costumes. They can even do it at home, if they can get back in time.

Shortly before the bell rings to end the lunch period, a figure in a horrible scary witch costume appears on the playground: ratty old black dress, coarse red hair flying every which way, unwholesome yellow-green complexion, with a long hooked nose and evilly twisted mouth decorated with two or three brown stumps of teeth. The eyes hardly bear description. So frightful was this costume that some of the younger children break into tears and run away. The older kids just stare.

Then the bell rings, and fifth-graders file into Mrs. Cafone’s classroom. The horrible witch goes in with them. Everyone wonders who it could possibly be. But so far the witch has spoken not a word.

When the children are all seated, Mrs. Cafone can’t help but marvel at the really quite awful witch costume. “Come on, now,” she says, “who is it?” The witch answers not a word. “I know you don’t want your voice to give you away, but you are sitting in Harold Winkie’s seat, so you must be Harold Winkie. Take off the mask so we can see you. Really, that costume is the limit!”

There is a pause. The children are now increasingly mad at Harold–ordinarily the bottom kid on the totem pole, the butt of every joke–for giving them a scare, and they begin to chant in unison, “Take it off! Take it off!” Pounding their desks for emphasis.

The witch stands suddenly. Silence falls.

He or she reaches up and slowly removes the mask.

And what is underneath is so much worse.

I Amb redy For Halaweeen!!

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Wel tonite “is” Halaweeen and Tomarrow it is Laber Day and us Interllecturals and Socile Jutstus Wirers we Are redy for it!!

I hasnt got anny Cotstomb becose i alredy got My Moth Antenners from al themb Moth Hoarmoans thay shute me up with and aslo i culdnt Think “of” an cotstomb that didnt Have “no” Cultcheral Apropation it Is jist tarrable wen yiu apropates some Poor Minorty’s cultcher so yiu Cant dres Up “as” a Which Docter or nothin!! butt it dont Mater becose We “Are” going to doo a spatial Kind “of” Trick Or Treeting!

This Halaween Nite my frends And Me wee are “going” “to” Ockupie al them stoares Downtown in Town al them No Good Captilist Bisnissmans and make Them Pay off ore Stodent Debtt!!!! that is reel Socile Jutstus!! Yiu seee we “are” Doin stopid lowsy Americka a Big Fayver jist bye Us goin to Collidge and no whay We has Got “to” pay four It our selfs!! Thay has alredy maked Enuhgh monny and Now thay got to pay!!! We wil Not go awway untill “thay” Pays it ether!!!

And then some Racist Biggit she come allong “and” she sayed we al stopid and Halaweeen it Isnt To’nite so somboddy in Auntyfa thay jist beet her Up and that wil ficks her and Her Whyte Prifflidge!!!

Memory Lane: Halloween

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(This will be the first Halloween, in I don’t know how many decades, without Zacherley, “the Cool Ghoul,” who died a year ago tomorrow. He and his maniacal laugh worked right up to the end.)

Patty and I have just returned from a ride around town, looking at Halloween decorations. I can’t say much for Halloween as it is today–too much nastiness has seeped into it–but even so, it does call forth pleasant memories. Just to name a few:

The store windows in New Brunswick, all painted with Halloween scenes. My father used to take us there to marvel at them.

The huge, grey Victorian house catty-corner from the Y, peeling paint, grey boards, surrounded by encroaching stunted trees–with a yellow light in one of the windows on Halloween: and how we kids trick-or-treating used to scuttle past it in a hurry.

A nice little black and orange whistle I used to have, in the shape of two cute little owls.

My friend Bobby’s precocious imitation of Zacherley imitating Boris Karloff.

Bobbing for apples in a washtub in one of the many little grocery stores our town used to have. They’re all gone now. So are the apples.

Those special assorted Brach’s mallowcremes that only came out for Halloween–yellow, orange, brown, and honey-colored, shaped like pumpkins, cats, ears of corn, bats, witches, shocks of wheat, the Man in the Moon, etc. I loved those! They’re still around, but few stores seem to carry them.

Everybody coming to school in their Halloween costumes–quite a break in the routine.

Aunt Millie serving Halloween cookies and making spooky noises from some undisclosed location in the house. She always got into the spirit of any holiday.

The special, thick, 25-cent Halloween issue of Little Lulu.

These and other details I’ve stored up as memories of a good time, a fun time, wholesome, harmless, nothing to do with violent video games about shooting blood-crazed zombies… and at least I can still get mallowcremes, even if all the rest of it is gone for good. But at least it’s gone where this unhappy age can’t touch it anymore.

Farewell, Zacherley

I was thinking of using Zacherley’s 1958 hit, Dinner With Drac, as a Halloween nostalgia piece–when I discovered, just now, that John Zacherle, aka The Cool Ghoul, died yesterday.

He was 98 years old, he died at home, and he worked right up to the very end. He was just as wild and hilarious a week ago as he was in 1958. I’m sure he had a live appearance lined up somewhere for this year’s Halloween, because he always did.

He was the first to hit it big as a horror movie host on television, and no one ever did it better: he was the very best at what he did, with a legion of imitators.

How I loved his show when I was 10 years old! I wanted to be like Zacherley when I grew up. Don’t knock it: you could do worse than keep your marbles, love your work and never have to stop doing it, and be loved by countless people all over the country.

As they said of Julius Caesar, “Whence comes such another?”

Haloween and Me and Also Socail Justice

Wel they dint like the way the exspearmint was going so they give me some shots and then som diffrent pills, and my donky ears they fell off. I was glad they fel off, only now I got theese moth things growin out the top of my head and i seen a movie once, it was The Fly, and so i’m kinda nervess abuot the moth things if yuo kno what i meen.

Youse who arenot in collidge bein interllecturals, mayby yiu think al we do is work al the time. Thats not troe, we aslo have lots of fun!!

I want to go to the Socail Justice Haloween Party tonite and i got to get a costomb. The delergate from PETA he said i culdnt go with them moth things on my fourhead becose its disrespeckful to moths and othre insecks. I told him i cant help it their growing on me. I tride putting a hat over them but then they iched somethin awful.

My prefesser he sade Stick with it, the exspearmint goin to make yiu famose, expecially if it reely works and i do get turned into a wimmin with the femail cromosoms. I dont kno abuot that, i never seen no wimmin with thees here moth things–antenners, they are caled.

But i do stick with it becase at the end i wil get my degreee in Gender Studies and i wil be twicet as interllectural as i am now and al yuo poor dum peple wil have to lissen to me. And no i got to go and figger out my Haloween costomb.

Help Me Get 3,000 Hits This Month

Stan Musial got 3,000 hits, but even Stan the Man only did it once, and that was only in baseball.

I’m so close–just another 105 will do it.

Tomorrow is Halloween, true, but it’s also the last day of the month, last chance to reach 3,000. It’s also Saturday, not generally a strong day for this blog.

I know, I know–you want to take your kids trick-or-treating, or go yourself, or pluck toilet paper out of your shrubbery, or sneak around the neighborhood peering into windows and scaring people. Whatever. Doesn’t leave much time for reading this stuff.

Tell ya what I’ll do. If it looks like a good start tomorrow morning, I’ll let that college guy come back on here and share some of his words of wisdom. I’ve kept him out all week, so far.

Whaddya say?

Your Halloween Hot Line

Please check with college officials to see if your Wal-Mart shopper costume is offensive.

Your tuition dollars at work! America’s colleges and universities are ramping it up to make sure no one has any fun on Halloween.

The State University of New York at Genessee will have five “college officials” manning–oops, that should be personing–a hot line that students can call to find out whether their Halloween costumes are offensive. ( http://www.thecollegefix.com/post/24847/ )

Does your school have a Halloween hot line? How about your town? Who you gonna call to ascertain whether your costume is offensive or not?

“Do you think anyone would get offended if I went to the party as Hitler?”

“I’ve got this really ugly Obama mask, and this arrow thing that goes over your head so it looks like you got shot through your skull, and I was wondering if that’d be all right.”

Here’s a little secret, folks.

Your very existence offends liberals.

They can’t not be offended. They wouldn’t know what to do with themselves. They want to be gods, and they think that’s how you be a god–spend every waking moment pissed off at those lousy mortals who don’t appreciate you. With the real God there is grace and majesty, because He truly is God. With college big shots there is only comedy.

Anyhow, Halloween is tomorrow; and if your school or your town has an offensive costume hot line, you and your friends ought to call them repeatedly and ask them every inane question you can think of.

They won’t even know you’re goofing on them.

Feds: Jack-O-Lanterns Cause Global Warming

We know that a liberal’s fun consists of spoiling other people’s fun. The “progressive” is that drip who shakes his head at your Thanksgiving dinner and mutters, “You know, people are starving to death in Gufistan…”

Well, along comes the U.S. Dept. of Energy–think any of them are conservatives?–to warn us that Halloween jack-o’-lanterns cause Global Warming ( http://www.rageandwar.com/?p=37391 )… so you all just better stop it with the pumpkins or we’re all gonna die…

You’d think libs ‘n’ progs would love Halloween, if only for its heavy overlay (and underlay) of paganism. But, not content with banning your costume for being Politically Incorrect, now they’re coming after your pumpkin.

If you’re one of the few chumps who still take Global Warming seriously, you really ought to be ashamed of yourself.

College Strikes Again! Halloween Costumes Banned

Witch costumes? Are you kidding??? Do you want to get kicked out of collidge?

As your student debt piles up, you might try to ease the pressure by going to an on-campus Halloween party. So you put on a costume…

And already you’re in heaps of trouble, if you go to Wesleyan University. See, you forgot to consult their P.C. Halloween Checklist before you chose a costume, and you never noticed that almost any kind of costume you can think of has been banned ( http://libertynews.com/2015/10/yep-your-halloween-costume-is-likely-offensive-no-matter-what-it-is-this-is-why-video-included/ ).

Any costume that anybody might find offensive, is offensive. You name it, it’s offensive and it’s banned. Wesleyan rules out any and all costumes that might have reference to race, culture, national origin, religion, subculture, sexuality (there goes your Bruce Gender costume), economic status, profession–gee, what’s left? You’re also supposed to ask yourself if anybody might could possibly maybe be offended by your costume, and if the answer is yes, don’t wear that costume.

And so another little avenue of pleasure is sealed off by the P.C. police

And we just let them do it.

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