‘Is There a Life Coach in the House?’ (2018)

My home town now boosts some half a dozen life coaches. What does that say about it?

Is There a Life Coach in the House?

–Hold it right there! [Protest lodged by Dr. Fantod]

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[Dr. Fantod is a jumping spider. He is also the official Life Coach at Quokka University.]

I am so sick of these so-called “life coaches” who wouldn’t know an aphid from a fruit fly! Who’s any better for having consulted one of them–eh? Crikey! “Oh, Dr. Fantod, I’ve fallen deeply in love with a money-wasting scoundrel who’s driven me practically bankrupt, and on top of that, every chance he gets, he cheats on me–!” Do you really need a life coach to tell you to stop doing stupid stuff? Did God forget to give you any sense? Do you have any idea of how many tasty and nutritious bugs inhabit a mere ten feet of rose hedge?

Sure, I’ll listen to a student’s tale of woe. And then I’ll do what his momma and his poppa should’ve done–send him off to the nearest bushes with a jar and tell him not to come back until he’s caught his supper. I don’t know about you, but I really like those brightly-colored leaf-hoppers…

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Comments Wanted

Why Quokkas Are The Cutest Animals On Earth

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, reminding you that we have a comment contest going. Our goal is 70,000 comments–with only 579 left to go.

[Editor’s note: We’re wondering if there’s an Internet outage somewhere, because we haven’t heard from any of our most prolific commenters today. We also have reports of readers’ email conking out. ]

Here I’d like to turn it over to Quokka University’s life coach, Horatio the jumping spider.

Habits and Traits of Jumping Spiders

Thank you, Byron. First I’d like to say that bugs are good for you, catch as many as you can. This solves most of life’s problems. It’s always worked for me.

Anyhow, the winner of the comment contest will receive an autographed copy of Lee’s book, His Mercy Endureth Forever. If you already have it, you can hold out for the next book in the series, The Wind from Heaven, which has not yet been published but it won’t be long now.

Meanwhile, a select committee of quokkas is still working on the problem of how much tuition to charge and whether it should include a season’s pass to QU’s pick-up sticks matches.

But by all means we want to read your comments! Really, what’s the point of having six eyes if you don’t have anything to read? (That’s one for the Philosophy Dept.)

We’ve Hired a Life Coach!

Habits and Traits of Jumping Spiders

Every university needs a life coach, and Quokka U. is no exception. And now we’ve got one!

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, and I’d like you to meet our new life coach for staff and students alike–Dr. Horatio Fantod!

As you’ve already guessed from the picture, Dr. Fantod is a jumping spider. He had already set up shop as Rotnest Island’s premier (and only) life coach, and although nobody knows where he earned his doctorate, all his clients think very highly of him. Besides which, he works cheap.

The good thing about him is, he always gives the same advice, the same for everybody, so there are never any difficult surprises. As he puts it, “No matter how you may have messed up your life, you can always make it better with a nice, tasty leaf-hopper! Or any other kind of insect you can catch.”

The bad thing is, he’s so small and consequently has a very small voice. So before he can advise you how to fix up your life by catching insects, he has to crawl up onto your ear and sort of shout into the hole. That’s a bad thing because it tickles! And you have to be careful not to laugh or jiggle your head because then he might fall into your ear and have to climb out–and that tickles even worse. It’s happened to me.

Dr. Fantod’s counseling sessions are free of charge, so we won’t have to raise the tuition to keep him around. As long as he can come out of the rain, he’s happy. And so are we!


Mr. Nature: the Zebra Jumping Spider

I admit I’m not much for spiders, but I’ve always had a soft spot for these zebra jumping spiders–maybe because I wanted to be a zebra when I grew up, and look how close these little spiders have come to doing that.

Unlike other spiders, jumping spiders can actually see what’s going on around them. While I was writing yesterday, I discovered one of these little guys crawling around on my knee. It was easy to induce him to climb onto my hand and then jump somewhere else. He must’ve liked me because he kept coming back for more. So I played with the spider for a minute or two before finally releasing him onto the ground.

But I insist I’m not eccentric–just enjoying some of God’s stuff. And trying to manage a nooze-free weekend.

Today’s Final Video, Starring a Spider

Ladies and gentlemen! For your edification and enjoyment, we proudly present [trumpet fanfare] a spider chasing a laser pointer light.

But not just any spider! Nosireebob–this here is a genuine jumping spider. If you look closely, you’ll see she has two rather large eyes, plus a bunch of smaller ones you probably can’t see. That’s what makes jumping spiders unique in spiderdom: they can see! They hunt their prey by sight.

Still, there is one thing that defeats our most concentrated mental efforts–

What does this spider think she sees, when she sees the laser light?

The Audacious Jumping Spider

Hi, Mr. Nature here, with more of God’s stuff that always works.

If your garden is blessed, it may be inhabited by one or more of these, the Audacious Jumping Spider, Phidippus audax. They hunt harmful insects by sight, and to catch them when they see them, they jump. If you look closely at the spider in the video, you’ll be able to see her two largest eyes (she has a couple of smaller ones, too).

The “audacious” tag is a misnomer. When one of these spiders sees you coming, he or she will promptly seek a hiding place. I like that quality in a spider. I wish more people had it.