Tag: Quokka University

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 3

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Great 70's TV lineup!! | Tv guide, Vintage tv, Classic television

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–and if you’re not out Christmas shopping, or if you’ve been shopping and you’re tuckered out, Quokka University has just what you need! Great TV shows, of course. Like these.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 05  COUNTRY QUACK–Tasteless sitcom

Doc Fugu (H. P. Lovecraft) convinces Mrs. Wadman (Rita Moreno) that she’s given birth to kittens; but he’s unwittingly started a feud with Mrs. Shrike (Debbie Reynolds), who last year supposedly gave birth to eight baby rabbits. Watch the June Taylor Dancers get caught in the crossfire!

Ch. 10  NEWS WITH BATTLIN’ BILLY–News and fisticuffs

The famous baseball manager (oh, come on, he’s famous! you don’t need his name) anchors a staff of reporters who really irritate him, and he doesn’t mind saying it with his fists. Tonight: Dan Rather gets pushed down the stairs and Billy’s carried off in handcuffs. Substitute co-anchors: Shari Lewis and Lambchop.

7:46 P.M. Ch. 19  CELEBRITY PRANK SHOP–Game

What happens when Taylor Swift finds a cobra in her bed? Can Chuck Connors stop his car after they drain out all the brake fluid? And how about those missing steps in Mia Farrow’s house? Wait’ll she gets up at night to have a glass of water! Host: Jimmy Fraud.

8 P.M.  Ch. 15  MOVIE–Sharp social commentary and pretentious babble

In “Who’s That Jidrool Who Doesn’t Like Me Anymore?” (Icelandic, 2004), Dustin Hoffman plays a down-and-out wine taster who’s given a second chance by Mothman (Nigel Bruce). Complications arise when he falls in love with a woman (Totie Fields) who thinks she’s an electric blender. Music score by some kook in Reykjavik.

Ch. 28  CAPTAIN ONIONHEAD–Science fiction Western

Capt. Onionhead (Buster Crabbe) has to use all his ingenuity to save Professor Carbuncle (William Lundigan) from crazed space pirates led by Lulu Smythe (Susan Sontag). One false move, and we lose Wyoming! Cute but Dispensable Sidekick: Sam Jaffe. Secret Agent Disguised as Baby-sitter: Mike Mazurki.

I don’t know if it’s true that watching shows like this makes you irresistible to phone scammers; I prefer to think of us as providing a sorely-needed luxury to the human race.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 26

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with fantastic weekend television brought to you by Quokka University… where all we do, really, is hunt up rare TV shows, never mind teaching courses. Anyhow, here are some samples:

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08  SLAPSTICK NEWS–A news show, sort of

Finally! You don’t have to sit there growling and fuming as the news anchor talks down to you and tells lies. Here, the anchormen and anchorwomen stand a good chance of getting a pie in the face! You’ll know who it’s going to be, but the victim won’t. Dan Rather, Walter Cronkite, Paula Zahn–splat! Take that, motormouth!

Ch. 14  BACKYARD SAFARI–For children and goofy adults

Who needs rhinos and lions and giraffes when you’ve got ants, aphids, and starlings? It’s a lot cheaper, too! Join great white hunter Abe Vigoda as he sidesteps a charging ground beetle and bags an earthworm with his shotgun Celebrity guest: Sandra Day O’Connor. Bearer: Yogi Bearer (get it?).

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 29  FOREIGN MOVIES IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES–Pretentious twaddle

Impress your friends! Watch Bergman’s Wild Strawberries in the original Swedish, no subtitles, no dubbing, and say things like “Some of the subtler nuances don’t translate all that well.” Do the same with Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress and they’ll gasp in awe! Host: Marcel Marceau.

7 P.M.  Ch. 12  SERPENT PEOPLE OF VALUSIA–Sitcom

Hanky (Andre the Giant) wants a tricycle for his birthday, but Mozgush and Doblast (Arthur C. Clarke, Sonja Henie) have already bought him a king-sized hamster wheel. Uncle Hisstah (Frank Botox) is called in to make peace! Provider of Superfluous Exclamation Points: Joyce Carol Oates.

7:04 P.M. Ch. 42  SAGEBRUSH SAM–Underwater Western

People didn’t dig this when it came out in 1964, but Sagebrush Sam, TV’s first underwater Western, is now arguably the most popular show in television history. This week: Can Marshal Dan Schimmelpfennig (Don Adams) hold his breath long enough to burst into the Sea Horse Saloon and arrest manic gunslinger Nijam Mohandalakshiraj (Richard Simmons) for copyright infringement? Can he hold his breath long enough to say the name? Sparky: Shari Lewis. The June Taylor Dancers: The Elvira Pushcart Dancers.

Boy, oh, boy! I can’t wait to hunker down in front of my TV set with a handful of tasty leaves and bubble gum!

74 Quokka Eating A Leaf Images, Stock Photos & Vectors ...

This looks like a good one. See you next week!

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 12

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

1985 TV Guide (FAMILY TIES/MICHAEL J. FOX/THE A-TEAM/JAMIE ROSE/LADY BLUE)) | eBay

G’day, everybody! I hope you’ve set aside enormous blocks of time for TV viewing, because we’ve outdone ourselves this week, bringing you the hit shows that never had an audience! Here’s a brief sample from our menu:

8:45 P.M.  Ch. 03  NEWS WITH LIVERWURST–News & commentary

Join Mr. Schlockengruber at the Garden State butcher’s counter, while he serves up the day’s news while serving his customers, too. Is it any wonder that he sometimes gets mixed up? But you’ve got to see him wield that cleaver whenever it’s Congress in the news. Weather: Carlos the Delivery Guy (he would know).

9 P.M.  Ch. 08  THE W TEAM–Action & Inaction

The A Team’s busy, the B Team’s all shot up, and eventually we work way down to the W Team (“When it really doesn’t matter, send for us!”). Pro wrestling legend Silvano Magucci (Dean Rusk) leads his team (Salvador Dali, Theda Bara, Elmer the Bull–he provides the glue–and Ernie Bushmiller) in one hazardous but completely unimportant assignment after another. Tonight: Find Ted Mack’s dentures.

Ch. 14  THE BARE FACTS–Lewd sitcom

What happens when a retired superhero (Bob Costas) opens a nudist colony in Alaska? WARNING: Much of this show had to be blacked out. Especially those parts with the June Taylor Dancers. And the mosquitoes and black flies. This week: Ozzie (Francisco Franco) loses his pants in a strip poker game. [We do not see the point of playing strip poker at a nudist colony, but apparently the focus group likes it.]

Ch. 33  TONS O’ TALK–Celebrity talk & variety

Jimmy Fraud interviews celebrities you never heard of! Icepick Sam, Dr. Foo the Mad Dentist, Susan Gesundheit… Hear him ask the questions you would ask if you had any idea why these people are famous! With the Karamazov Bros. and their orchestra.

9:08 P.M.  Ch. 56  MOVIE–Marital Arts

In Secret Techniques of the Drunken Water-Dowser (Chinese-Canadian, 1998), a disgraced Mountie (Groucho Marx, CG) enters Hung Lo Monastery, where Master Chee (Larry Storch) teaches him secret techniques. Meanwhile, Bigfoot (Linda Hunt) ravages the countryside–and the monks can’t seem to stop it. Can Sgt. Woo Wei Shu recover his honor by kung-fuing Bigfoot into oblivion? Song: “I’ve Got Spurs That Jingle-Jangle-Jingle.”

Well, that’s that! Someday the whole world will shut down just so people can tune in to Quokka University for thrills ‘n’ chills.

Meet the Quokka

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, July 9

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

It's About TV: This week in TV Guide: September 21, 1974

G’day, humans et al! Byron the Quokka here, with fantastic weekend TV to take your minds off stupid and embarrassing news. I am running this feature solo today, Lee’s off in the Twilight Zone somewhere–well, what the heck, we’re off to the races!

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 42  EYEWITLESS NEWS–News, commentary, and lewd noises

“It’s all wrong anyway, so it might as well be entertaining!” says anchorman Etoin Shrdlu, allegedly from another galaxy. The program’s motto says it all: “Honest Fake News.” Tonight: a completely fraudulent investigation of “U.S. Senate girlie parties” held after midnight at Fong’s Diner.

7 P.M.   Ch. 21  STUPID CITY–Crime Drama

You’d think things’d be pretty dull in a mid-sized city where the median IQ is somewhere below that of a sock puppet, but you’d be wrong: stupid cops trying to catch stupid criminals means drama! Chief O’Fudge: Bernie Sanders. Mr. Big: Yoko Ono. Crooked Paper Boy: Gumby. Music by Mrs. Kinkle’s 2nd-grade class.

Ch. 46   THE PRICE IS CRAZY!–Game show

How much would you pay to get hoisted out of a pool full of piranhas? That’s what host Casey Stengel will ask contestants floundering in the pool: best offer gets pulled out first! And no going back on it, either, or you get thrown back in. [Program Note: The June Taylor Dancers will not appear at poolside anymore–not since Sondra fell in. The management apologizes for any inconvenience.]

7:12 P.M.  Ch. 31  MOVIE–(You’re asking me to describe it?)

Davy McTavish’s six-hour epic, “Daughter of the Volcano” (Scottish-Japanese, 1981), Disco Queen Irma Burma (Sharon Sharalike) falls into the mouth of a volcano and it’s up to Charlie’s Ninjas (original cast of The Beverly Hillbillies) to pull her out. Keep an eye out for the famous cameo appearance of Sandy MacQuhouon.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 07  THE FATTERSONS–Sitcom

Jay and Kay Fatterson (William Shatner, Heather Locklear), their precocious 10-year-old son, Poxie (Michael Harrington, who used to have a column), and their pet lion, Jambo, love to get involved in their neighbors’ private business! But when Jambo eats Nancy’s hideous boyfriend (credits not available), the Neighborhood Improvement Committee hires a hit man (Joel Chandler Harris).

Well, mates, there you have it–just a small sample of weekend bliss provided by Quokka University.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

(This was my graduation picture. Do you like it?)

Byron’s TV Listings, July 2

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

multiple image galleries

G’day, TV fans! Byron the Quokka here–and have we got fantastic stuff for you this weekend! Just give us lots and lots of views so I don’t lose my bet with Joe Collidge and have to give him an honorary Ph.D. from Quokka University. (He wants a degree in “Fizzix.” He thinks it’s some kind of soda.)

6:49 P.M.  Ch. 72  TEAR THE LID OFF HISTORY!–Pure Twaddle

Join hosts Howard Cosell and that model from the Victoria’s Secret catalogue as they examine red-hot historical controversies. This week: Was the Assyrian Empire founded by cowboys? Guest: George “The Animal” Steele.

7 P.M.  Ch. 03  SOCIOLOGY FOR MACHO HE-MEN–(You have to ask?)

Just because you’ve got a degree in Sociology doesn’t mean you have to be a wimp! Let the June Taylor Dancers teach you how to be a macho man and still go around handing out questionnaires about pee-pee. Guest: Jesse Ventura. Featured Song: “I’m in the Mood for Cheap Wine.”

Ch. 11  WE ARE THE WOILD–Indescribable

Some say it’s a cop show, starring Rory Calhoun as Lt. Hsiang Wang-Ho. Others say it’s a PBS fundraiser with lectures on reliving your past lives by Ellen Pupa. And the rest swear it’s a Star Trek spinoff with Bette Midler as a 400-year-old Capt. Kirk who can’t remember where he left the keys to the Enterprise’s lavatory. Decide for yourself!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 12   MOVIE–Unspeakable horror

No less a personage than John Quincy Adams called The Thing from Under the Good Humor Truck (Swedish, 1952; dubbed into Swahili) “just the kind of movie Ingmar Bergman would make if he were a hopeless alcoholic who never progressed beyond first grade.” It turns out Bergman once was a hopeless alcoholic who never progressed beyond first grade; and this is the movie he made about it. Sven: Arthur Treacher. Olaf: Godfrey Cambridge. Jopi: A rubber ball. Kopi: Barbara Steele.

8 P.M.  Ch. 62  WHO’S GOT BUGS?–Game show

This show won’t be on for five minutes before you start itching! Celebrity contestants try to pass their bugs off to the next contestant, and the one who winds up with all the bugs is sacrificed to Science (Phyllis Diller). With E.M. Forster’s Jug Band.

And that’s just a sample of what the program geniuses at Quokka U. have in store for you this weekend! I can’t wait to turn on my TV set!

The Happiest Animal Quokka Is Smiling And Welcoming You To Come To Rottnest Island In Perth Western Australia Animal Wall Mural | Anim-Hideaki

Byron the Quokka, signing off…

 

Joe Collidge: ‘I”ll Beet That Qwokker!”!’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Young Quokka Crossing A Road Rottnest Island Australia Stock Photo - Download Image Now - iStock

Iff it”s Wor he whants,, it”s Wor he wil Gett!!!!!

That thare stopid Biron “the” Qwokker he thingks he Can gett moar Reeders than Me, Joe Collidge!!!! We hased a Bet “on” it butt he cheeted! by aksing Reeders to rede himb!!!

Doughnt he know “That” i amb A Collidge Stodint and tharfour mutch Smarter than himb??? Doughnt he know “that” thare “are” billyins of collidge stodints witch rede My colyumbs?? Waht a foool!!!!!! And wen i Winn “the” bett he has got “To” giv me a onarraiy deegree fromb that thare Stopid Qwokker Unadversity witch he duzznt has!! I thingk i whil deemanned a Deegree in Nuculer Fizzicks soa I can teech It “at” “a” skool!!!!

Himb and his stopid TV lisztings! He havint gott a Chancet!!!!!!!!!! Look “at” himb running Aweigh!!! He knows his gueese it is coooked!!! Evry reel Soso Jutstus Wirer in the worrled thay “Are” “On” my syde!!! And evry Interllectural tooo!!

I fourget waht i’m saposed To give himb if he winns,,, witch he woont!!! Hay, Biron, this heer Is “waht” yiu get wen yiu Go Up aginst Joe Collidge!! A bole of Equitty Soup!!!!!! Ha Ha!! Yiu thingk i’m in Nothing Studdies for nothing????

And we whil aslo Keey his Car tooo!!!

Byron the Quokka vs. Joe Collidge: It’s War

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Young Quokka Crossing A Road Rottnest Island Australia Stock Photo - Download Image Now - iStock

G’day! Why did the quokka cross the road?

To try to get some views!

Byron the Quokka here, mates; and it looks like our little bet with Joe Collidge, over who can get the most views, is getting out of hand. Joe has his whole Student Soviet compulsively clicking onto his last post. Good thing they forgot you have to turn the computer on first. Like, if you don’t see anything on the screen, there’s nothing there.

Here at Quokka University, we don’t cheat but we’ve only got the one computer and everybody here has already seen my last TV listings. So we are relying on humans who do not live on Rottnest Island to help us hold our own against those wackos at the college. We do not want to lose the bet and have to give that simpleton an honorary degree from Quokka University–and be laughed at by wombats for the rest of our lives.

Give us a leg up, eh?

False Facts for True Laughs

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Laughing Quokka on Rottnest Island Near Perth, Western Australia Stock Image - Image of laughing, australia: 184707505

(A good laugh is gift from God. On this cold and rainy day, let’s see if we can scare one up for you. Over to you, Byron!)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with this semester’s edition of genuine false facts from Acme False Facts Inc. Stand up straight, puff out your chest, look your listener in the eye, and recite your false fact as if there could be no possible doubt of it. Here are a few samples.

*For a good five years the British battle cruiser, H.M.S. Pumpkin, was commanded by the ship’s cat, Marky. The Admiralty was not amused.

*Edgar Rice Burroughs’ first draft of Tarzan of the Apes was rejected because he had the apes living in upstate New York. Later in life he sometimes insisted that his original idea was best.

*In 1951, playing for the Milwaukee Braves, left fielder Azog “Flip” Watson topped Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak with a 74-game streak of his own. But because the rest of the Braves were still in Boston and Watson didn’t actually exist, his streak was disallowed.

*Keebo, Nebraska, milkman Desi Formalin, the historical figure upon whose life the character of Zorro was based, died in 1921 while trying to carve a “Z” with his sword on Niagara Falls.

*Scientists in seven states are still trying to explain away the 1969 discovery of a fossilized T. rex clutching a fossilized yo-yo.

Well, how about that? Now you know some things that no one else knows (unless they buy the boxed set of False Facts for 2022)! A whopping 6% of the proceeds go to the Quokka University pick-up sticks team. For just $600, it’s a bargain! And it’s postage paid, to boot.

False Facts for a Rainy Day

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DINO X DEL " Sticker by samradinsky | Redbubble

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with a brand-new set of False Facts from Acme False Facts Inc.–guaranteed to make people think you’re smart! And half the profits go to Quokka University to help us build a sandbox.

Want respect? Want esteem? Just confidently trot out a few of these genuine False Facts! Here are a few samples.

*The biggest dinosaur ever was Gigantosaurus maximus, which was roughly the size of the state of Delaware–the skull alone was as big as Morris County, New Jersey!

*In 1506, Duke Evinrude of Bohemia taught himself to fly simply by flapping his arms. He had to flap them very hard, and once accidentally destroyed the contents of a china shop.

*Experiment in education: public schools in Magma, Vermont, taught children to read upside-down. Some of the students injured themselves by standing on their heads to view the text. Parents were not amused.

*In 1862 a man calling himself the Emperor of Baffin Island conquered most of Canada while people weren’t paying attention. His empire collapsed when, like King Henry I of England, he died from eating a surfeit of lampreys.

*An untitled movie made by monkeys won a Golden Globe award in 1967–but the sequel was a box office bomb and all the monkeys were fired.

There you go! Stand tall, puff out your chest, and recite a False Fact with an appearance of absolute conviction. Your friends will be astonished by the things you know and they don’t. Boxed set, $495.56, not counting postage. I don’t know how to count postage.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 29

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide Oct 2, 1970 | Program pages from the Minneapolis-St… | Flickr

G’day, mates! Byron the Quokka here, with another glorious weekend of TV brought to you by Quokka University. Enjoy it while you can–the authorities are breathing down our necks. Yes–some of these shows, They don’t want you to watch! For instance:

5:20 P.M.  Ch. 09  BUD THE DUD–Soap Opera (with soap)

Superstar Hoyt Flapjack plays Bud the Dud, “the man who can’t do anything.” When Bud is called on to fill in for the Archbishop of Bangor for two weeks, the whole congregation rises up against him. Mrs. Botox: Paris Hilton. Octopus Collector: Rex Harrison.

5:30 P.M.  Ch. 19   THE MAN WHO THOUGHT HE WAS HOWARD COSELL–Drama

Once upon a time, sportscaster Howard Cosell was the big name in TV sports. Now, compulsive liar and kung-fu master Chiang Bu How (Jackie Chan) devotes his life to impersonating Cosell. This week: Chiang fools the commandant of a military academy (Richard Simmons) into letting him call the academy’s pick-up sticks games. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 28   INTELLECTUAL NEWS WITH MEGAN DUSTMITE–News & Commentary

This is the news that no one cares about! What new pronouns have been invented this week? Who are the top influencers on YouTube? How do they decide what’s the deepest new article in The Atlantic? When do we start eating bugs? Megan Dustmite has all the latest dope for dopes. Guest anchor: Adam Schiff.

6 P.M.  Ch. 33   MOVIE–New Age Self-Actualization

“Meet Me in Sheboygan” (Serbian, 2003) stars Boleslav Mrkyrkovic as Reggie Whittington III, whose voyage of self-discovery starts with a chair that falls apart when you sit on it. This was the last film directed by former Cincinnati outfielder Gus Bell; they won’t let him make any more. Ms. Pantyraid: Mimi Rogers. With Telly Savalas and his orchestra.

Ch. 46   MAKE ME GIGGLE INCOHERENTLY–Game Show

Host Paul Ryan, former Speaker of the House, subjects contestants to meaningless ordeals that do them no good at all–but which one can make Mr. Giggle (identity withheld: he could get in trouble) lose his cool? Losers get Indian burns; but the winner gets… oh, man, I can’t even say this, I think I’m gonna heave…!

Why Quokkas Are The Cutest Animals In The World

Well, that’s just a sample of what we’ve got in store for you this weekend. Make sure you’ve got a comfortable chair or couch, and plenty of tasty, crunchy leaves!