Tag: Quokka University

Wow! Just two weeks till Christmas! Well, take some time off from feverishly preparing, kick off your combat boots, put your feet up, grab a handful of nice crunchy leaves, and enjoy this weekend’s Quokka University TV! With me, Byron the Quokka.

4:15 P.M.   Ch. 16   WORLD’S BEST MOVIES–Horror/Anthropology

In “You Don’t Have to be a Baldy, Baldy” (1906), Cabbie Rudolf von Schlock (Phil Nieko) sells his soul to the Devil (John Kerry) in return for Guaranteed to Grow Hair or Your Immortal Soul Back. It grows hair, all right–and it never stops growing. In fact, it grows hair on everything you touch! Featuring Anthony Eden and his orchestra.

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 07  BEAT THE RAP!–Game Show

Host Judge Garo Yepremian has four prison sentences to hand out among five contestants–and whoever can “Beat the Rap” gets to go free! This week’s Challenge: Who can swallow all the marbles in the five minutes allowed? Special guest stars: the June Taylor Dancers; Sgt. Popsky’s Drunken Drill Team.

Ch. 12  POPGUN PETERSON–Western

Can new sheriff Popgun Peterson (Harmon Killebrew) tame Draco, Arizona–“the Town Too Dead to Die”? And with a toy gun, no less? Lil the Pill: Carol Burnett. This week: the Bunchy Bunch has threatened to massacre the entire town–and there’s only Sheriff Peterson’s popgun to stop them! Song: My Femurs Hurt!

5 P.M.  Ch. 22  MY SON THE SEA TURTLE–Sitcom/Tragedy

Written by William Shakespeare! Lady Molecule’s son Orlando (John Zacherle) identifies as a sea turtle and won’t come out of the bathtub! Rosencranz and Guildenstern (Kevin Branagh, Shemp Howard) can’t get him to come out and perform his duties as Duke of Flatbush. This week: withholding fresh squid from Orlando leads to a disastrous war. Lady Molecule: Elizabeth Warren.

Ch. 43  MIGUEL BORRACHO–Spanish Talk Show (CC)

You won’t need to understand Spanish to appreciate Miguel’s abuse of his guests. Watch him push special guest Carl Sagan right off his chair! And there’s always that business with the whoopee cushion. Authorities have been trying to get Miguel off the air for years now, but everyone’s too scared.

Well, there you have it, boys ‘n’ girls–a whole weekend of fantabulous TV! I found myself humming My Femurs Hurt! as I was going to St. Ives…

G’day, everybody! This weekend’s Quokka University TV is so spectacularly magnificent, I can’t find words for it! I’m Byron the Quokka, and the following is a mere sample of this weekend’s offerings.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 12   I TALK TO THE FURNITURE!–Melodrama/Sitcom

It’s not so terrible that Doobie (Walter Slezak) talks to the furniture in people’s houses. What’s so terrible is that the furniture talks back! This week: Doobie is accused of unfair commercial practices by the local witch (Loretta Lynch). With Yogi Berra and his orchestra.

Ch. 16   THE FUNG FAMILY–Adventures in Philosophy

It’s hard to set up a 14th-century Sudanese Muslim dynasty in the heart of a 21st century American suburb: so hard, in fact, that this show was canceled after just one episode. Additional episodes have been provided by Ma and Pa Furry at the Buzwell Teepee Park on Staten Island, NY. Tonight’s episode: The sheik (Paul McCartney) tries to drive a car stolen from the June Taylor Dancers.

7:48 P.M.  Ch. 22   FBC EVENING GNUS–News Show

Have you noticed there’s no news for gnus? Well, not anymore! “No gnus is good news” doesn’t fly here! Featured: Dan Rather interviews Frosty the Gnu, who just isn’t talking, and Barbara Walters grills Hilda the grazing wildebeest about accidentally eating grasshoppers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 144  JAN CAN’T COOK WORTH ****–Cooking Show

Whether it’s hot dogs out of the plastic wrapper or a bowl of cereal with milk and sugar, Culinary Institute of America dropout Jan Bollix can’t cook it! She can’t even cook things that you don’t have to cook. Everyone in the world feels like a master chef after watching her! This week: Pre-Cooked Ready-to-Serve Biscuits… reduced by Jan to liquid form.

Ch. 05  MOVIE–Mushy Romance

“Pongo the Killer Orang-utang” (1985) is a giant white Orang-utang living in the jungles of Borneo until an unscrupulous animal trafficker (John Kerry) ships him to Fetid Township, New Jersey, where he is elected mayor. Romance ensues when a state assemblywoman (Moms Mabley) falls passionately in love with Pongo’s right-hand man (Nestor Chylak). Can Pongo make this turn out right? Featured Song: Pompey the Great sings “It’s Better in the Bahamas.”

Well, that’s it! Only a sample, mind you, of TV that’ll knock your socks off. I saw that happen once. It was really quite scary!

(It took her 7 months to track me down for an autograph!)

Hullo, hullo, hullo! Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s glorious weekend television (Were we supposed to offer classes, somewhere along the line?), just what you need to stave off boredom and stage a hearty revel. Here’s a little peek at the menu!

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 04   GET A HEAD!–Drama/Comedy

Charlie Pennzoil (Chuck Connors) is one of only a very few persons to survive a beheading. But watch what happens when he tries to get his old job back as a Walmart greeter! Mrs. Pushmapullya: Debbie Reynolds. Dr. Fauci: A Marionette. Music by Herb Alpert’s old trombone teacher.

Ch. 05   ‘GOOD JOB!’–Game Show

Join host Marcel Marceau as teams of college students compete recklessly to see who can do really simple tasks without breaking down and having to retreat to the crying booth. Tonight’s challenges: telling time, making Tang, reading a building directory, and opening a box of animal crackers without spilling it. And all contestants win those encouraging words, “Good job!”

7 P.M.  Ch. 16   TALES OF THE WITHERED LEAF–Melodrama

Visit the saddest old tavern in Merrie Olde England, where everyone suffers from easily avoidable troubles of their own making. This Week: Snugg the Carpenter laments drilling a hole through the top of his foot while inebriated–while Mrs. Snugg embarks on an affair with the town lecher. All parts played by hand puppets! With the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 21   RESTORING THE MING DYNASTY–Unclassifiable

Dr. Fong Hsueh-ting travels all over America seeking survivors of the Ming Dynasty, which ended in 1644. If he finds any, he will let us know. “I can’t imagine where they all went,” he admits. “I don’t know how many times I’ve asked Robert Stack and Unsolved Mysteries to help me. Go jump in a lake, they say.”

7:17 P.M.   Ch. 46  MOVIE–Unwatchable Rubbish

Critics are still wondering why Jack Nicholson and Ginger Rogers ever allowed themselves to appear in “Zombie Pogo Sticks” (1998), the first and last movie directed by U.S. Senator Bob Dole. Invasion of zombies who get around by means of pogo sticks: theater owners complained the film was setting off bouts of motion sickness among the audience.

Well! If that doesn’t plant you in front of your TV set this weekend, I don’t know what will! Honest, that movie isn’t as bad as it looks…

G’day, g’day, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here on behalf–where did that word come from?–of Quokka University, where we find the world’s best forgotten TV shows for your weekend viewing orgies.

I’m sorry, there seems to be something wrong with my choice of words today. Here are a few samples from this weekend’s menu.

2 P.M.   Ch. 00   ANDY PHNUGLUIH–Variety

The public has always wondered why Andy Phnugluih, with all his talent, never became a major star. A few episodes of this show might suggest an explanation. This week’s guests: Col. Wxha Bochgeshvili, Susan Mfoyay.

Ch. 07   SCHMENDRICK THE MAGICIAN–Western

Travel the Wild West with the only magician in Oklahoma Territory who can make his enemies think they’re axolotls! This episode: When the Tumorville Bank is robbed by real axolotls, Sheriff Witless (Andrew Cuomo) turns to Schmendrick (Andy Devine)… as the fall guy! Ma Bell: Sophia Loren

2:16 P.M.  Ch. 12   PEOPLE NAMED AFTER CARTOON CHARACTERS–Morbid Nonsense

Join host Chiang Kai-shek as he journeys all over Cartoon County, Kansas, to interview unfortunate  persons actually named Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Sylvester Pussycat, Elmer Fudd, etc. This week’s question: What happens when a cop writes you a speeding ticket and asks your name? Featuring Artie the Hamster and his orchestra.

2:30 P.M.  Ch. 22   HAWAIIAN EYEBALL–Mystery

Detective Oswin Prong (Andre the Giant) solves crimes by peering through keyholes! This week: When crime boss Wan Hung Lo (Danny Kaye) threatens to “hang a lulu on Honolulu,” Police Chief Jack Benny (Jack Benny) resigns and Prong has to take his place. This brings on a spell of horrendous weeping. Spectacularly special guest star: Wanda Hershberger.

Ch. 34   PUPPET HOME REPAIRS–Educational

In this new PBS series, the Bil Botch Marionettes demonstrate assorted home repairs: how to clean up bloodstains, how to avoid hanging a door upside-down, the ins and outs of outdoor plumbing, what to do when you’ve been electrocuted… The puppet crew features Footra the Ballarina, Binx the Irascible Centipede, and Bungo the Klutz. Special guests: the June Taylor Dancers.

Well, there you have it! Stock up on tasty leaves and settle in for entertainment like you never believed was possible.

G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here with another weekend of spectacular television brought to you by Quokka University. Just don’t ask us where these programs came from! It’s a state secret.

Here are a few examples. Happy viewing!

8 P.M.  Ch. 04  CELEBRITY PHILOSOPHY–Drivel

Join host Mickey Rivers as he grills celebrity guests on the great questions of life! If I’m not me, then why do I look like me? Do bookcases know they’re bookcases? Is free will compatible with high fashion? Panel: Phil Silvers, Paul Lynde, Charo, Zsa Zsa Gabor. Featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger and his orchestra.

Ch. 08   HILLBILLY SKIN DIVERS–Drama/Geography

Grampa Hooty (Emmanuel Kant) continues his search for the Lost Appalachian Ocean, only to learn that those pesky Hatfields and McCoys have stolen his aqualung. Possum Hatfield: Jacques Cousteau. Grannie Bogoljubov: Vanna White. With stock footage from Col. John D. Craig.

8:06 P.M.  Ch. 22   YAN CAN’T COOK–Exotic Cookery

Chef LeRoy “Frenchy” Yan tries his hand at Lake Victoria gnat pie, but all the gnats escape into his kitchen. The mossbunker cakes don’t turn out so well, either. Special Guest: the woman from the local board of health.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   CRIMINAL COPS–Police Drama

Lake Apocalypse Police Chief Bruce Loose (John Candy) encourages his officers to rob the 7-11 before the local criminals can get around to it. “Eventually they’ll go straight because everyplace has already been robbed,” the reasoning goes. Deputy LaFong: John Cassavetes. Joey the Clam: Richard Burton.

Ch. 31  MOVIE–Science Fiction/Melodrama

In “I Cover the Beehives” (1958), rogue entomologist Jane Payne (Greta Garbo) tries to romance reclusive philanthropist Zane Grayne (Ray Milland) by cross-breeding killer bees with grizzly bears–with predictable results! Song: “I’ve Got Zits”

And there you have it, boys and girls! We have discovered that no less a personage than Frankie Poppadoppoulos tunes in here every weekend. Who would’ve thought it?