Tag: Quokka University

Byron’s TV Listings, July 17

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1965

It’s much too hot to go outside and play Squamish today! G’day, everybody, Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of fabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here are a few samples guaranteed to whet your appetite!

7 P.M.  Ch. 06   NUDE FLY FISHING–Sports

Join our Nobel Prize-winning hostess, Rigoberta Menchu, for celebrity nude fly fishing! Guests: Honus Wagner, Debbie Reynolds, Chet Huntley. With the June Taylor Dancers. This week’s surprise–an alligator where they least expect it.

Ch. 11  TRASH TALK–Educational/Boring

Host Harry “Mr. Boredom” Grubstake and guest Charo discuss how archaeologists three thousand years from now might mistake our landfills for random heaps of junk. With Bertrand Russell and his kazoo orchestra.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 02   MR. GOGGLE–Children’s Show

[Note from Byron: You wouldn’t believe what we went through to get this one!]

Mr. Goggle is the monster whose bloodshot right eye is three times the size of his squinty left eye; and when he peers into bedroom windows, children wake up screaming. Banned from 50 different networks when it debuted in 1957! Condemned by act of Congress! Watch at your own risk.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 44   UNSUNG OPERAS–Educational/Musical

Just because they never made it to any opera house doesn’t mean that these were shoddy operas! This week, from Mongo High School in New Jersey: Il Provalone, by Chuck Worst–sung by the cast of Gilligan’s Island, conducted by the high school janitor because the real conductor never showed up. Don’t miss Bob Denver’s aria, Vado al Teatro, Fettuccine!

8 P.M.  Ch. 16   MR. DOOFUS–Sitcom/Tragedy

When every single one of his students fails the math section of the SATs, Mr. Doofus (Brian Blessed) gets a trophy from his teachers’ union. Meanwhile Ms. Scatterby (Heather Locklear) takes a course on “How to Infuriate People.” Mr. Screwtape: Andy Griffith. A Giant Squid: a giant squid.

Well! That should get you cranking! This is Byron, signing off.

30 Funny Quokka Pictures That Will Make You Book A Flight To Australia To See Them | Quokka, Cute animals, Funny animals

Byron’s TV Listings, July 3

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

See the source image

G’day–and happy Fourth of July to all you Americans! And just in case it rains, us fun-makers here at Quokka University are all set to provide you with inutterably fantastic television! I’m Byron the Quokka, and you have my word on it!

Let’s take a quick peek at some of the offerings.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 14  GOOD COP, BAD COP–Police Drama

Tuberville, Alabama, can only afford a one-man police department, but Sheriff Pat Gesundheit is up to the job! He’s the only sheriff in America who’s able to do that “good cop/bad cop” routine all by himself–and does it ever scare the suspects! This week Gesundheit grills a suspected mummy-stealer (Gavin Newsom) who may have looted the town’s Museum of Horrible Curiosities. Curator: Linda Hunt. Security Guard: Haystacks Calhoun.

Ch. 15  CELEBRITY TANNING–Game Show

What–did you think this was about sun-tans? Perish the thought! Join host Vlad the Impaler as he compels celebrity guests to try to tan fresh nauga-hides. Contestants: Buddy Hackett, Elizabeth Warren, Cleopatra, Wayne Dyer. With Perry Mason and his orchestra.

7:11 P.M.  Ch. 26  WORLD NEWS WITH HAMSTERS–News

Instead of watching some stupid anchorman or info-babe, you can watch hamsters on their wheelies as Misterrogers reads you the news very soothingly no matter how bad it is. But if it doesn’t worry the hamsters, why should it worry you?

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 18   SOUTH BELUGASTAN STICK PAINTING–Educational

Master Fhtugn Czynnaa demonstrates the delicate art of using sticks and twigs picked up from the ground to create delicate paintings of shameful scenes involving the South Belugastan Stock Exchange. Guest celebrity: Fum Chee Fum, a giant.

Ch. 31  CITY OF GIANT BUGS–Sitcom/Tragedy

The Fop family (Joe Besser, Rosemary DeCamp, Hunter Biden) move into their new house only to discover that their whole neighborhood has been overrun by various insects as big as Volkswagens. It’s very hard to mow the grass with a giant mantis stalking you! Neighbors: Dame Judith Anderson, Sir Derek Jacobi. Good Humor Man: Sir Michael Redgrave.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, that ought to hold you for another weekend! Just remember, though–if anybody starts asking awkward questions, you haven’t seen me and you don’t know what they’re talking about!

Byron’s TV Listings, June 19

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

What's On TV October 16, 1962 – PugetSoundMedia

G’day, TV watchers! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of scrumptious TV viewing brought to you by Quokka University. And if you’re wondering where we got these shows–don’t ask!

Here are some samples to whet your appetite.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 10  MOVIE–Tragedy/Musical

The classic Greek tragedy “Medea” (1956) gets a musical makeover with Zsa Zsa Gabor in the title role. Featuring the hit song, “Jason, Schmason, Where’s the Basin?” Jason: Zero Mostel. Theseus: Phil Silvers. Featuring Elston Howard and his orchestra.

Ch. 12 WHAT’S MY SHAMEFUL SECRET?–Game Show

Join host Bill Cullen as he reveals the celebrity guests’ most shameful secrets! Panel: Eleanor Roosevelt, Mel Blanc, Andy Devine, and Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers, with Dr. Phil to provide free counseling to the nationally disgraced winner.

Ch. 16  KHAN FOR A DAY–Situation Comedy

Cousin Sven (Jack Soo) has inherited a Mongol horde–and doesn’t know what to do with it! Can he figure it out before they eat him out of house and home? Mayor Fortinbras: Phyllis Diller. President Johnson: Edgar Buchanan. Special guest star: Jerry Mathers as The Beaver.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 21   PINKY LEE’S JOURNAL–News/Talk/Gibberish

Comedian Pinky Lee interviews newsmakers Mervyn Puncho and talking dolphin Flipper McGee on the crisis of cocktail waitresses going on strike in Zanzibar. Has the Senate got an ace up its sleeve?

7:37 P.M.  Ch. 36  ACTION IN THE AFTERNOON–Western Drama

Horror impresario Zacherley plays the town undertaker of Codbiter, New Mexico. There’s no need for him to drum up business when depressed gunslinger The Toledo Kid (James Earl Jones) comes to town! Florist: Jack Elam. Interior Decorator: George “The Animal” Steele. Sheriff Shootfirst: Bob Denver.

And that’s only a sample of what you’ll get when you tune in this weekend! Make sure you have plenty of eucalyptus leaves on hand.

Quokka eating a leaf on Rottnest Island Stock Photo - Alamy

Byron’s TV Listings, June 12

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV, courtesy of Quokka University. Maybe one of these days we’ll get around to starting classes here–if nobody gets arrested for airing these TV shows. Without further ado, a few samples:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 06  MEET THE MUMMIES–Discussion

Join host John Kerry as he flees in terror from the animated mummies he’s supposed to interview. Topic: “Should Inanimate Objects Vote?” Featuring a chorus of indignant howler monkeys.

Ch. 12  MY FRIEND FONEBONE–Crime Drama

Can a man who does everything backwards (Boris Johnson) succeed where a multitude of top police detectives have failed? Meanwhile, Commissioner Swiggit (Elizabeth Warren) thinks her husband may be getting too big for his britches and asks Fonebone (Don Knotts) for advice.

7:46 P.M.  Ch. 16   THE WEATHER ON OTHER PLANETS–News & Weather

Poisonous rain on Jupiter, another roasting hot day on Venus, and another cool one on Pluto (if it’s still a planet)–extraterrestrial weather analyst Penny Prat with the weekend’s weather throughout the Solar System. Sponsored by some company that does fake marshmallow peeps that don’t taste good.

8 P.M.  Ch. 27  MOVIE–Melodrama/Ventroloquism

In “CB Superhero” (1973), forlorn trucker Alibi Ike (Bill Nye) falls hopelessly in love with Sandee Smoosh (name withheld), not realizing she’s only a dummy controlled by evil ventriloquist Ambrose Viaduct (Charlie Rose), who’s using her to blackmail the assistant Secretary of Frivolous Spending (Mervyn Puncho).

Ch. 43  BET EVERYTHING!–Game Show

Produced by the Chinese Communist Party, contestants in “Bet Everything” stake everything they have on their chances of surviving 16 hours of intersectional poetry recited by a person with an annoyingly high-pitched voice. With Sammy Spear and his orchestra, the June Taylor Dancers, and an old man with hives.

Well, if those don’t whet your appetite, I don’t know what will! That CB Superhero movie, by the way, launched Mervyn Puncho’s political career… although I don’t know anyone who ever voted for him.

Byron’s TV Listings, June 5

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day, g’day, and welcome to another weekend of cyclopean TV viewing pleasure, brought to you by Quokka University! Byron the Quokka here–and don’t think I had anything to do with this TV caper, I’m just an announcer they snapped up at random.

Here are a few samples to whet your appetite.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 04   VEGAN GUNS–Muddled Western

It’s not easy being a professional gunslinger (Jack Elam), a New Age guru, and a vegan! Episode 14: Communications from the Vega star system are being received through Stokey the Cook’s unwashed pots and pans. Stokey: Xi Jin Ping. Miss Willowfeather: Susan Sontag. Jabba the Hutt: don’t ask.

Ch. 05  GREAT BOOKS BY IDIOTS–Interview

Host Barney Rubble discusses The Great Gatsby with incoherent romance writer Violet Crespuscular and her pet click beetle, Mandrake. Neither of them has read the book. With Swede Risberg and his orchestra.

Ch. 16   MERVYN PUNCHO–Variety

Mervyn’s guests include beer-chugger Milt Famey, unsuccessful bowler Ginger Hooja demonstrating gutter-balls, backwards talker Neleh NniuQ, and B.S. artist John Kerry. Featured: the Vlad the Impaler Dancers.

8:48 P.M.  Ch. 46  TIMON!–Sitcom

What happens when the city’s most prominent misanthrope is given a surprise birthday party? Timon (Tim McCarver) blames Alicibiades (Soupy Sales) for his game leg, but the party’s going to go on whether he likes it or not. Mrs. Demosthenes: Esther Rolles. Caterer: Johnny Weissmuller.

9 P.M.  Ch. 11  MOVIE–Crime Drama

Film noir classic! “I Live Face-Down” (1969) features Billy Mumy and Telly Savalas as clinically depressed private eyes trying to get the goods on a crooked politician (Willis Twombley) who’s making sure all his friends and toadies get municipal swimming pool memberships. Things only get worse when their secretary, Foxy (Helen Hayes) is diagnosed with Hornomania. Mayor Belshazzar: Don Knotts.

Well, that’s that for the sample package! And–

Meet the Quokka

Tune in tomorrow for our Rottnest Island Bell Mountain Party, which I’m not supposed to mention, in case nobody shows up. I have it on good authority that one of the major characters in the book is going to be present… if he can overcome his fear of marsupials.

Collect False Facts and Support the Quokka U. Pickup Sticks Team!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Why Quokkas Are The Cutest Animals On Earth

G’day! Byron the Quokka here; and while Lee sweats out a Newswithviews column, I’ll tell you about an exciting way that you can support the Quokka University pickup sticks team!

As you know, the annual Pickup Sticks International Tournament will be held this year in Double Trouble, New Jersey–and our team is raring to go. Acme False Facts will donate our team’s traveling expenses. All you have to do is order (and pay for!) their newest set of collectible False Facts!

Here’s a sample. Remember, it’s not what you say that makes people think you’re smart, but how you say it! And all False Facts are guaranteed truth-free.

*George Washington was Chinese, but James Madison wasn’t.

*The woolly rhinoceros of the Ice Age was neither woolly nor a rhinoceros, but actually a kind of oversized muskrat.

*In May of 1953 the U.S. Supreme Court accidentally ruled swimming unconstitutional. The error was not discovered until 2006.

*A top-secret anti-gravity project in Pinwheel, Ireland, had to be canceled when the whole laboratory and all its staff floated into outer space, never to be seen again. This caused the prime minister of Ireland to break out in hives.

*The height of a tree is always evenly divisible by the number of branches it has. Count ’em and see for yourself!

Well, I hope this whets your appetite! This new set of False Facts, which will help our pickup sticks team to a world championship, sells for a mere $435.99–which is chicken-feed in quokka money.

Yippee-Yay! Quokka University

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Free Cartoon Cowboy Cliparts, Download Free Cartoon Cowboy Cliparts png images, Free ClipArts on Clipart Library

Quokka University has added two big names to its teaching faculty!

Steven Patrick Herodotus Michael David Crockett Flanagan–his parents couldn’t decide what to name him, so they just used all the names they liked–has signed on to teach a course in Cowboy Poetry Written By Scottish Fishermen. He’s agreed to work for free, so that’s a big savings right there! Mr. Flanagan has read some of this poetry to persons who visited Kruck’s Department Store to see a vacuum cleaner demonstration, and he says that two of the shoppers really liked it.

But wait, there’s more!

We have also hired Dr. Ruth Fandango, the world’s leading expert on handy things to do with lint, as an associate professor (that means we can fire her) of Intersectional Zoology. We don’t know what that is, but it sounds very collegy! You’ve probably already seen her as a guest on the Olaf Smidgin Show–so that’s another celebrity pickup for us!

As for when Quokka U. will actually open–well, I’m Byron the Quokka, I’m supposed to teach Political Science… and I don’t know!

Emergency False Facts!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star

G’day! Are you noozed out–just can’t stand any more? Byron the Quokka here, with relief–yes, I said relief!

Brought to you by Quokka University and Acme False Facts Inc., we present a new set of guaranteed false facts that will not only take your mind off the nooze, but will also help you to astound your friends with all the stuff you know but they don’t. Just remember to recite your false fact with absolute confidence! And practice a withering glance of pity that’ll make anyone who questions you feel ignorant.

Without further ado, here are some samples from our newest set.

*In 1880 a man who claimed to have visited the Moon was given a ticker-tape parade by the town of Bent Spoon, Indiana. At the conclusion of the parade, they hanged him.

*A recent poll shows that 41% of the people descended from Osric Witling never heard of him. And neither has anybody else.

*When the musical We’ve Got Chiggers opened on Broadway on March 12, 1951, half the audience went home with real chiggers they’d unknowingly picked up in the theater, resulting in a massive lawsuit that closed the show after only one performance.

*With the seats in the stadium now occupied by cardboard cutouts of fans, Major League Baseball plans to populate the playing field and the dugouts with cardboard cutouts of the players.

*The discovery of the source of the River Nile was delayed for many years by rumors that Queen Victoria had already been there on her honeymoon. But current DNA analyses suggest she didn’t like any of the hotels in the neighborhood.

Well, that should be enough to get you started! Each and every card in the Emergency False Facts Set is guaranteed to be totally devoid of truth–and it can all be yours for a mere $1.28 (US), plus $640 shipping.

‘Is There a Life Coach in the House?’ (2018)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

My home town now boosts some half a dozen life coaches. What does that say about it?

Is There a Life Coach in the House?

–Hold it right there! [Protest lodged by Dr. Fantod]

See the source image

[Dr. Fantod is a jumping spider. He is also the official Life Coach at Quokka University.]

I am so sick of these so-called “life coaches” who wouldn’t know an aphid from a fruit fly! Who’s any better for having consulted one of them–eh? Crikey! “Oh, Dr. Fantod, I’ve fallen deeply in love with a money-wasting scoundrel who’s driven me practically bankrupt, and on top of that, every chance he gets, he cheats on me–!” Do you really need a life coach to tell you to stop doing stupid stuff? Did God forget to give you any sense? Do you have any idea of how many tasty and nutritious bugs inhabit a mere ten feet of rose hedge?

Sure, I’ll listen to a student’s tale of woe. And then I’ll do what his momma and his poppa should’ve done–send him off to the nearest bushes with a jar and tell him not to come back until he’s caught his supper. I don’t know about you, but I really like those brightly-colored leaf-hoppers…

See the source image

Yummy!

Honest, Genuine False Facts

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Quokka Eating Leaves Stock Photo (Edit Now) 144023728

Nothing false about these tasty leaves!

Acme False Facts Inc. wishes to squelch rumors that some of the false facts in their sets are, in fact… true.

Unlike TV nooze, Acme guarantees all its facts to be 100% false. Otherwise Quokka University wouldn’t be selling them as fund-raisers.

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–with the top five phony facts that certain low-life persons have asserted to be true. This endangers the credibility of all false facts! And hurts our fund-raising efforts, too.

Well, here they are. Guaranteed totally bogus!

*A lawyer in Mordor, Massachusetts, has successfully unionized the fleas in his state’s flea circuses–who are now on strike for higher wages and better benefits. His lawsuit is expected to win, hands down.

*Homer used a manual typewriter to write The Iliad.

*Popeye the Sailor was a real person who looked just like he does in the cartoons. He had to give up being a sailor when he moved to Shrivel County, Nevada, which has no water.

*For most of his life, Louis XIV, king of France, was only 18 inches tall. But later in life, treatments with Vigoro Plant Food shot him up to three feet. It also gave him a third foot, the use of which he never quite mastered.

*Rogue elephants have been sedated and hypnotized by providing them with non-stop reruns of Dance Fever. It doesn’t work with crocodiles, though.

I defy anyone to discover even an iota of truth in any of these.