Tag: Quokka University

Byron’s TV Listings, June 19

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What's On TV October 16, 1962 – PugetSoundMedia

G’day, TV watchers! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of scrumptious TV viewing brought to you by Quokka University. And if you’re wondering where we got these shows–don’t ask!

Here are some samples to whet your appetite.

7:00 P.M.  Ch. 10  MOVIE–Tragedy/Musical

The classic Greek tragedy “Medea” (1956) gets a musical makeover with Zsa Zsa Gabor in the title role. Featuring the hit song, “Jason, Schmason, Where’s the Basin?” Jason: Zero Mostel. Theseus: Phil Silvers. Featuring Elston Howard and his orchestra.

Ch. 12 WHAT’S MY SHAMEFUL SECRET?–Game Show

Join host Bill Cullen as he reveals the celebrity guests’ most shameful secrets! Panel: Eleanor Roosevelt, Mel Blanc, Andy Devine, and Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers, with Dr. Phil to provide free counseling to the nationally disgraced winner.

Ch. 16  KHAN FOR A DAY–Situation Comedy

Cousin Sven (Jack Soo) has inherited a Mongol horde–and doesn’t know what to do with it! Can he figure it out before they eat him out of house and home? Mayor Fortinbras: Phyllis Diller. President Johnson: Edgar Buchanan. Special guest star: Jerry Mathers as The Beaver.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 21   PINKY LEE’S JOURNAL–News/Talk/Gibberish

Comedian Pinky Lee interviews newsmakers Mervyn Puncho and talking dolphin Flipper McGee on the crisis of cocktail waitresses going on strike in Zanzibar. Has the Senate got an ace up its sleeve?

7:37 P.M.  Ch. 36  ACTION IN THE AFTERNOON–Western Drama

Horror impresario Zacherley plays the town undertaker of Codbiter, New Mexico. There’s no need for him to drum up business when depressed gunslinger The Toledo Kid (James Earl Jones) comes to town! Florist: Jack Elam. Interior Decorator: George “The Animal” Steele. Sheriff Shootfirst: Bob Denver.

And that’s only a sample of what you’ll get when you tune in this weekend! Make sure you have plenty of eucalyptus leaves on hand.

Quokka eating a leaf on Rottnest Island Stock Photo - Alamy

Byron’s TV Listings, June 12

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV, courtesy of Quokka University. Maybe one of these days we’ll get around to starting classes here–if nobody gets arrested for airing these TV shows. Without further ado, a few samples:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 06  MEET THE MUMMIES–Discussion

Join host John Kerry as he flees in terror from the animated mummies he’s supposed to interview. Topic: “Should Inanimate Objects Vote?” Featuring a chorus of indignant howler monkeys.

Ch. 12  MY FRIEND FONEBONE–Crime Drama

Can a man who does everything backwards (Boris Johnson) succeed where a multitude of top police detectives have failed? Meanwhile, Commissioner Swiggit (Elizabeth Warren) thinks her husband may be getting too big for his britches and asks Fonebone (Don Knotts) for advice.

7:46 P.M.  Ch. 16   THE WEATHER ON OTHER PLANETS–News & Weather

Poisonous rain on Jupiter, another roasting hot day on Venus, and another cool one on Pluto (if it’s still a planet)–extraterrestrial weather analyst Penny Prat with the weekend’s weather throughout the Solar System. Sponsored by some company that does fake marshmallow peeps that don’t taste good.

8 P.M.  Ch. 27  MOVIE–Melodrama/Ventroloquism

In “CB Superhero” (1973), forlorn trucker Alibi Ike (Bill Nye) falls hopelessly in love with Sandee Smoosh (name withheld), not realizing she’s only a dummy controlled by evil ventriloquist Ambrose Viaduct (Charlie Rose), who’s using her to blackmail the assistant Secretary of Frivolous Spending (Mervyn Puncho).

Ch. 43  BET EVERYTHING!–Game Show

Produced by the Chinese Communist Party, contestants in “Bet Everything” stake everything they have on their chances of surviving 16 hours of intersectional poetry recited by a person with an annoyingly high-pitched voice. With Sammy Spear and his orchestra, the June Taylor Dancers, and an old man with hives.

Well, if those don’t whet your appetite, I don’t know what will! That CB Superhero movie, by the way, launched Mervyn Puncho’s political career… although I don’t know anyone who ever voted for him.

Byron’s TV Listings, June 5

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1964

G’day, g’day, and welcome to another weekend of cyclopean TV viewing pleasure, brought to you by Quokka University! Byron the Quokka here–and don’t think I had anything to do with this TV caper, I’m just an announcer they snapped up at random.

Here are a few samples to whet your appetite.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 04   VEGAN GUNS–Muddled Western

It’s not easy being a professional gunslinger (Jack Elam), a New Age guru, and a vegan! Episode 14: Communications from the Vega star system are being received through Stokey the Cook’s unwashed pots and pans. Stokey: Xi Jin Ping. Miss Willowfeather: Susan Sontag. Jabba the Hutt: don’t ask.

Ch. 05  GREAT BOOKS BY IDIOTS–Interview

Host Barney Rubble discusses The Great Gatsby with incoherent romance writer Violet Crespuscular and her pet click beetle, Mandrake. Neither of them has read the book. With Swede Risberg and his orchestra.

Ch. 16   MERVYN PUNCHO–Variety

Mervyn’s guests include beer-chugger Milt Famey, unsuccessful bowler Ginger Hooja demonstrating gutter-balls, backwards talker Neleh NniuQ, and B.S. artist John Kerry. Featured: the Vlad the Impaler Dancers.

8:48 P.M.  Ch. 46  TIMON!–Sitcom

What happens when the city’s most prominent misanthrope is given a surprise birthday party? Timon (Tim McCarver) blames Alicibiades (Soupy Sales) for his game leg, but the party’s going to go on whether he likes it or not. Mrs. Demosthenes: Esther Rolles. Caterer: Johnny Weissmuller.

9 P.M.  Ch. 11  MOVIE–Crime Drama

Film noir classic! “I Live Face-Down” (1969) features Billy Mumy and Telly Savalas as clinically depressed private eyes trying to get the goods on a crooked politician (Willis Twombley) who’s making sure all his friends and toadies get municipal swimming pool memberships. Things only get worse when their secretary, Foxy (Helen Hayes) is diagnosed with Hornomania. Mayor Belshazzar: Don Knotts.

Well, that’s that for the sample package! And–

Meet the Quokka

Tune in tomorrow for our Rottnest Island Bell Mountain Party, which I’m not supposed to mention, in case nobody shows up. I have it on good authority that one of the major characters in the book is going to be present… if he can overcome his fear of marsupials.

Collect False Facts and Support the Quokka U. Pickup Sticks Team!

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Why Quokkas Are The Cutest Animals On Earth

G’day! Byron the Quokka here; and while Lee sweats out a Newswithviews column, I’ll tell you about an exciting way that you can support the Quokka University pickup sticks team!

As you know, the annual Pickup Sticks International Tournament will be held this year in Double Trouble, New Jersey–and our team is raring to go. Acme False Facts will donate our team’s traveling expenses. All you have to do is order (and pay for!) their newest set of collectible False Facts!

Here’s a sample. Remember, it’s not what you say that makes people think you’re smart, but how you say it! And all False Facts are guaranteed truth-free.

*George Washington was Chinese, but James Madison wasn’t.

*The woolly rhinoceros of the Ice Age was neither woolly nor a rhinoceros, but actually a kind of oversized muskrat.

*In May of 1953 the U.S. Supreme Court accidentally ruled swimming unconstitutional. The error was not discovered until 2006.

*A top-secret anti-gravity project in Pinwheel, Ireland, had to be canceled when the whole laboratory and all its staff floated into outer space, never to be seen again. This caused the prime minister of Ireland to break out in hives.

*The height of a tree is always evenly divisible by the number of branches it has. Count ’em and see for yourself!

Well, I hope this whets your appetite! This new set of False Facts, which will help our pickup sticks team to a world championship, sells for a mere $435.99–which is chicken-feed in quokka money.

Yippee-Yay! Quokka University

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Free Cartoon Cowboy Cliparts, Download Free Cartoon Cowboy Cliparts png images, Free ClipArts on Clipart Library

Quokka University has added two big names to its teaching faculty!

Steven Patrick Herodotus Michael David Crockett Flanagan–his parents couldn’t decide what to name him, so they just used all the names they liked–has signed on to teach a course in Cowboy Poetry Written By Scottish Fishermen. He’s agreed to work for free, so that’s a big savings right there! Mr. Flanagan has read some of this poetry to persons who visited Kruck’s Department Store to see a vacuum cleaner demonstration, and he says that two of the shoppers really liked it.

But wait, there’s more!

We have also hired Dr. Ruth Fandango, the world’s leading expert on handy things to do with lint, as an associate professor (that means we can fire her) of Intersectional Zoology. We don’t know what that is, but it sounds very collegy! You’ve probably already seen her as a guest on the Olaf Smidgin Show–so that’s another celebrity pickup for us!

As for when Quokka U. will actually open–well, I’m Byron the Quokka, I’m supposed to teach Political Science… and I don’t know!

Emergency False Facts!

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PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star

G’day! Are you noozed out–just can’t stand any more? Byron the Quokka here, with relief–yes, I said relief!

Brought to you by Quokka University and Acme False Facts Inc., we present a new set of guaranteed false facts that will not only take your mind off the nooze, but will also help you to astound your friends with all the stuff you know but they don’t. Just remember to recite your false fact with absolute confidence! And practice a withering glance of pity that’ll make anyone who questions you feel ignorant.

Without further ado, here are some samples from our newest set.

*In 1880 a man who claimed to have visited the Moon was given a ticker-tape parade by the town of Bent Spoon, Indiana. At the conclusion of the parade, they hanged him.

*A recent poll shows that 41% of the people descended from Osric Witling never heard of him. And neither has anybody else.

*When the musical We’ve Got Chiggers opened on Broadway on March 12, 1951, half the audience went home with real chiggers they’d unknowingly picked up in the theater, resulting in a massive lawsuit that closed the show after only one performance.

*With the seats in the stadium now occupied by cardboard cutouts of fans, Major League Baseball plans to populate the playing field and the dugouts with cardboard cutouts of the players.

*The discovery of the source of the River Nile was delayed for many years by rumors that Queen Victoria had already been there on her honeymoon. But current DNA analyses suggest she didn’t like any of the hotels in the neighborhood.

Well, that should be enough to get you started! Each and every card in the Emergency False Facts Set is guaranteed to be totally devoid of truth–and it can all be yours for a mere $1.28 (US), plus $640 shipping.

‘Is There a Life Coach in the House?’ (2018)

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My home town now boosts some half a dozen life coaches. What does that say about it?

Is There a Life Coach in the House?

–Hold it right there! [Protest lodged by Dr. Fantod]

See the source image

[Dr. Fantod is a jumping spider. He is also the official Life Coach at Quokka University.]

I am so sick of these so-called “life coaches” who wouldn’t know an aphid from a fruit fly! Who’s any better for having consulted one of them–eh? Crikey! “Oh, Dr. Fantod, I’ve fallen deeply in love with a money-wasting scoundrel who’s driven me practically bankrupt, and on top of that, every chance he gets, he cheats on me–!” Do you really need a life coach to tell you to stop doing stupid stuff? Did God forget to give you any sense? Do you have any idea of how many tasty and nutritious bugs inhabit a mere ten feet of rose hedge?

Sure, I’ll listen to a student’s tale of woe. And then I’ll do what his momma and his poppa should’ve done–send him off to the nearest bushes with a jar and tell him not to come back until he’s caught his supper. I don’t know about you, but I really like those brightly-colored leaf-hoppers…

See the source image

Yummy!

Honest, Genuine False Facts

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Quokka Eating Leaves Stock Photo (Edit Now) 144023728

Nothing false about these tasty leaves!

Acme False Facts Inc. wishes to squelch rumors that some of the false facts in their sets are, in fact… true.

Unlike TV nooze, Acme guarantees all its facts to be 100% false. Otherwise Quokka University wouldn’t be selling them as fund-raisers.

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–with the top five phony facts that certain low-life persons have asserted to be true. This endangers the credibility of all false facts! And hurts our fund-raising efforts, too.

Well, here they are. Guaranteed totally bogus!

*A lawyer in Mordor, Massachusetts, has successfully unionized the fleas in his state’s flea circuses–who are now on strike for higher wages and better benefits. His lawsuit is expected to win, hands down.

*Homer used a manual typewriter to write The Iliad.

*Popeye the Sailor was a real person who looked just like he does in the cartoons. He had to give up being a sailor when he moved to Shrivel County, Nevada, which has no water.

*For most of his life, Louis XIV, king of France, was only 18 inches tall. But later in life, treatments with Vigoro Plant Food shot him up to three feet. It also gave him a third foot, the use of which he never quite mastered.

*Rogue elephants have been sedated and hypnotized by providing them with non-stop reruns of Dance Fever. It doesn’t work with crocodiles, though.

I defy anyone to discover even an iota of truth in any of these.

 

Byron’s TV Listings

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of spectacular TV, brought to you by Quokka University, where I have the honor to teach Political Science… and introduce our TV listings. Just don’t ask where we’re getting these shows. I can’t be prosecuted if I don’t know… can I?

March 20, 4:30 P.M.

Ch. 10  I’VE GOT A SHAMEFUL SECRET! (Game Show)

One of the four celebrity panelists has a secret that would turn him into a national laughing-stock, an object of universal loathing, if it ever got out–and it’s the job of the contestants to find out what it is! Host: Joey Stalin. With Typhoid Mary and the Pandemics.

11  CHAMPIONSHIP CHUTES & LADDERS (Educational)

So how do you master the intricate tactics and strategies of Chutes and Ladders? Join former world Chess Champion Boris Spassky as he tries to teach the game to incredibly dense college professors who just can’t seem to get it.

12  MOVIE–“Killer Quokkas from Rigel IV” (1958: Science Fiction) When killer quokkas invade New York City, the Bowery Boys are forced to take action. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall. Admiral Benbow: Pinky Lee  Mayor Threadbare: Joey Heatherton  Horace Clarke Chapter of B’Nai B’rith: Themselves.

Hey, wait now, hold on there! I really must object in the strongest possible terms! Speaking for all quokkas everywhere, I must say that we would NEVER attack New York–but if we did, by gum, the Bowery Boys wouldn’t stop us! Wait’ll I find out who selected this movie. They’ll wish their fathers had never met their mothers!

Quokka Facts | Mental Floss

4:53 P.M.  Ch 02  SHUT UP, STUPID! (Discussion)

Join host Mr. T as he moderates a debate between Rosie O’Donnell and a large root vegetable on the topic, “Are progressives really all that smart?” This is the “incident” that ended Rosie’s career! Also featuring Angela Merkel and her orchestra.

Well, that’s all for now. I have to go find the jidrool responsible for that stupid quokka movie.

Watch everything else!

 

Quokka U’s False Facts 2.0

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50 Quokka Facts: Smiling, Baby-Flinging, Selfie Kings! | Everywhere Wild

G’day! Byron the Quokka here.

It takes an awful lot of money to start a university, and Quokka U. isn’t quite there yet. So Acme False Facts Inc. is going to help out with another special fund-raising edition of False Facts, 2% of the proceeds going to the university. I guess they keep the rest.

Why False Facts? Why, to convince your friends that you know a lot of stuff that nobody else knows, because you’re so bloomin’ smart! All you have to remember is to speak with total confidence when reciting any False Fact. Presentation is everything!

Here are just a few samples from Quokka U. False Facts 2.0. Ask anyone in the academic world, they’ll tell you–this is how you gain respect! And here are our samples.

*Ancient Roman engineers designed the first personal computer, but had no electricity to operate it.

*President Grover Cleveland’s mother kept him in diapers until he was 16.

*The Chinese word for “X-Ray glasses” has been unpronounceable since 1808.

*Project Mohole, the plan to drill all the way through the earth’s crust, was defunded in 1966 because Congress forgot to levy any taxes for that year and the government ran out of money. But the real problem was bashful scientists who were afraid they might find something naughty down there.

*The Paper Bag Tree of inner Borneo has been found growing in Nebraska, where it has provoked a wave of paranormal experiences that people don’t like to talk about. The good news is that the folks in Borneo want it back.

There you go! Try these on for size at any place where talking is allowed. The results will amaze you.

P.S.–They haven’t told us what the set will cost, so when you order it, be sure you write a check for lots of money.