Tag: Quokka University

A New Science Is Born!

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Why Quokkas Are The Cutest Animals On Earth

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, on what is sure to be forever remembered as an historic occasion!

Because on this day, a new science is born. Brand-new! In fact, if you want to earn a degree in it, the only place in the whole world where you can do that is right here at Quokka University! Because we have a monopoly on the new science of…

Cryptogeography!

Even as Cryptozoology is the study of animals that have to be found before they can be studied, because they may or may not exist, so is cryptogeography the study of places that may or may not exist. [Note to Board of Sages: we owe Phoebe S. an honorary doctorate in Cryptogeography, for coining the name.]

Did you ever try to go someplace and never get there–and you thought it was because you just got lost somehow? Well! Maybe the place was really there… and maybe it wasn’t. I mean, really, blimey, how do you get to Brigadoon, or Gondor, or the Seven Cities of Gold? Poor Coronado wandered all over the map and never found the place that he was looking for. How many times have you been told, “Just keep on going down Route Whatsit, and you can’t miss it”? And then you do miss it, because it isn’t there! But maybe, just maybe, it was there yesterday.

What makes lost cities lost? How do they get found again?

You can see the world’s been needing a science of Cryptogeography for quite a long time.

And as we say here at Q.U.–Ipso loquitur mannimota!

Cryptozoology at Quokka U.

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Perth: Cutest quokka photo captured by Campbell Jones on Rottnest ...

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with an important announcement. Drop whatever you’re doing (unless you’re making nitroglycerine) and listen up.

We have decided to offer a course in Cryptozoology here at Quokka U., starting sometime in the future. What is Cryptozoology, you ask? Well, plain old Zoology is the study of plain old animals; but Cryptozoology studies animals that might not exist. But of course you’ve got to find them before you can study them.

Cryptozoology at Quokka U. will focus on searching for some of the most elusive critters known–well, okay, not known–to science. Here are some of the ones we’ll be really looking for:

Customer service reps who actually serve the customer.

College English majors who can actually speak and write English.

Sane liberals.

Really big and important people who don’t lie.

Leading socialists who don’t get rich.

The problem is, as soon as a cryptozoologist finally finds one of these creatures, it ceases to be cryptozoology and instantly becomes plain old zoology instead. Once they find Bigfoot, he won’t be ours anymore.

Well, the crypto-critters we’re after have proved to be a lot more elusive than Bigfoot.

Depending on how many students sign up for the course, we’ll get up an expedition to the Outback and see what’s out there.

July’s a Disaster

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Suzana Paravac on Instagram: “Quokkas are nature's happiness ...

G’day–or not. Byron the Quokka here, and it’s official: here at this blog, July’s a disaster.

Daily viewership is down by 120 views a day. Ouch! But that’s only the blog. If you think we’re having a picnic at Quokka University, think again!

We have lost our most celebrated special guest lecturer before the semester even starts. Professor Aristotle Bottle, “the one-man philosophy course,” the Living Legend of Smartness, world-renowned author of Wet Wood Burns the Best–holy cow, we’re not gonna have him! He has been hospitalized after attempting to prove that an open manhole cover does not necessarily imply the existence of a manhole. Broke his coccyx going down.

Well, I’m glad we haven’t charged any money for his lectures, and I’m glad we didn’t pay him up front. But how do you replace a superstar like that?

We’re open to suggestions!

What’s the Next Contest?

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50 Quokka Facts: Smiling, Baby-Flinging, Selfie Kings ...

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, happy to report that the prizes for the last two comment contests have gotten to where they were going and it would be okay to start a new comment contest if it wasn’t still too soon to do it.

Y’know, we’re trying to start a world-class university here, aren’t we? They don’t just spring into existence out of nowhere, do they? Like Athena from the forehead of Sherlock Holmes. No, fellow mammals–it takes a lot of work, meticulous planning, and constant care. Otherwise these college types show up and turn it into Stupidville. That is not on the program for Quokka U.!

But what does Lee want me to do? Run more contests! Like I’ve got all this time on my paws! Can I help it if the blog’s month of July fell flat on its face coming out of the starting gate? Who do I look like–Walt Disney? (Actually we have a quokka who’s a dead ringer for Walt Disney: you couldn’t tell them apart.)

Yeah, I remember, we had the Bell Mountain Movie contest that everybody wanted to read about but only three readers ever entered. There was something wrong with that contest, but I don’t know what: it was before my time. Maybe if he had a quokka running it… But I am not going to volunteer to run a second movie contest!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to get Flora Fauna, the creator of The Smallpox Twins, to come here as a guest lecturer.

 

 

Quokka U. to Join NCAA?

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Everyone can learn lessons in gratitude from these little ones ...

G’day, folks, Byron the Quokka here! The quokka in the picture is Handy, the captain of Quokka University’s pick-up sticks team. Somebody’s giving him a twig. Handy sometimes forgets just what kind of sticks you’re supposed to pick up in pick-up sticks. The picture below is a reminder, in case he’s reading this.

Pick-up-sticks Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Now, a lot of us thought we ought to join the NCAA so we could contend for an international collegiate pick-up sticks championship. But first we find out they want, like, a zillion dollars’ membership fee, right up front; and then we find out they don’t even have a pick-up sticks conference!

College! They don’t have pick-up sticks, but they’ve got Beyonce studies. Well, we guess Quokka U. is just going to have to blaze a trail, aren’t we? Our motto isn’t Ipso loquitur mannimota for nothing! Meanwhile, would you believe it, a newborn baby Quokka has been named Ipso! Let’s see Hambone University top that–even if they’re in the NCAA and we aren’t.

We’ve got to find some pick-up sticks teams that we can play against. They have one in Canberra, but it’s just a bunch of clumsy humans who get silly after 15 minutes of it.

If your town or school or college has a pick-up sticks team that wants to come to Rottnest Island for a match, please contact the Quokka U. Athletic Dept., care of Mrs. Wanda Nichols, Kookaburra Heights Caravan Park, Hellzapoppin, W. Australia.

Quokka U. Progress Report: 2 More Celebrities Aboard!

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Quokkas Are So Cute People Can't Believe They're Real - UNILAD

I can’t believe I forgot to tell you this yesterday. We’ve lined up two more fantastic celebrities as guest lecturers for the opening semester at Quokka University!

No, that’s not them up there in the pictures. It’s just me, Byron the Quokka, posing for the university yearbook.

Who are these fantastic celebrities, you ask? I hope you’re sitting down!

Celebrity No. 1 is none other than Bruno Pong, the Official World Champion of Underwater Chess! How we ever got him, I don’t know. Underwater chess is hard because the pieces keep floating up from the board, it takes an incredible amount of skill just to get a game started. And the fish are always trying to eat them. Plus you’ve got to hold your breath!

As for Celebrity No. 2, hang onto your hats! I don’t know a quokka who hasn’t read Mrs. Kate Rochemotel’s immortal novel of romance, drama, and corruption in the world of pick-up sticks–I mean, this is, like, the War and Peace of pick-up sticks! I guess that’s why its title is The War and Peace of Pick-up Sticks. I love the audiobook version read by that British actor who screams the whole thing at the top of his lungs. I’m sure Mrs. Rochemotel will have some cool stories about him!

We can hardly wait for the semester to get started. Ipso loquitur mannimota!

Quokka University: More Progress!

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Rottnest Island Quokka Pictures | POPSUGAR Smart Living

G’day, Byron the Quokka here. And hooray, hooray for the month of June, Quokka U. will be open soon!

I can hardly believe our good fortune! Late yesterday we received a $12 (!) grant from one of our most beloved celebrities, the immortal Helen Schnitzelbonk of Pie-Eye Nebraska, USA–Helen Schnitzelbonk, who won the hearts of quokkas everywhere with her death-defying ascent–by pogo stick, mind you!–of Mt. Cornucopeia… while it was erupting. True, it was a rather small eruption; but Helen didn’t know that at the time.

Twelve dollars! Think what we can do with that. Of course, it’s twelve dollars in American money, I don’t know what that comes out to in real money, but it’s still more than we had in our whole treasury two days ago. My vote is, we buy a bicycle with it.

So now we are shooting for a September opening of our first semester and trying to beautify our campus here on Rottnest Island (kangaroos leave things lying around that no one should see). I think by then we’ll have two more woven grass dorms finished–and I hope we’ll have selected a mascot by then.

And for now, in the words of our university’s classic Latin motto, “Ipso loquitur mannimota!”

Quokka U.’s School Song

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Suzana Paravac on Instagram: “Quokkas are nature's happiness ambassadors ❤️😊 @rottnestislandwa #quokka #quokkas #perthlife #quokkalove #amazing #b… (With images) | Cute animals

G’day, a day late! Byron the Quokka here; and I never made it to the blog yesterday because we were all busy putting the finishing touches on our 100% original new school song for Quokka University! It was composed by a committee, so you know it’s bound to be good. Here’s the first verse: you’ll have to imagine me singing it. If you can’t, then imagine Pavarotti. Next best thing.

At Quokka University we laugh at all adversity!

We never bother with degrees, or courses, grades, or manatees!

We know the tricks of pick-up sticks, our team contains no lunatics–

Ipso loquitor mannimota! We’ve never been to South Dakota!

Some quokka named Foozle who hangs around with goanna lizards and has been influenced by their way of thinking says that last line is totally weak. “What in the world does South Dakota have to do with it?” I don’t like the face he makes when he says something like that. Well, the committee voted to keep the line, so there! If a couple of us do wind up visiting South Dakota (we hear it’s very nice!) we’ll just change the words to something else that rhymes: quota, iota, whatever.

And now I’ve got to go round up some popcorn, because before you know it, it’ll be Oy, Rodney time; and even a nit like Foozle won’t want to miss that.

Finally! Final Exams at Quokka U.!

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Quokka

Don’t look now, but those three quokkas are getting ready to mimeograph copies of Quokka University’s first final exams.

G’day, everybody, Byron the Quokka here–and yes, we have actually acquired a mimeograph machine so we can run off copies of everything. I know: most of you have never heard of, let alone seen, a mimeograph. It’s what we had before Xerox came along. (“Xerox? What’s that?”) Oh, never mind! We like the way papers smell when they come out of the mimeograph machine. That blue ink–it’s a nostalgic smell. Sort of like emu feathers.  Mimeograph Machines (a mimeo copy)

Oi, I’m drifting, aren’t I?

What I really want to talk about is how we here at Quokka U. are going to revolutionize higher education! First we broke ground by deciding not to offer any courses. And now we’re gonna set the world on fire by having final exams the first week of school, instead of at the end.

Think of it–no more worrying about finals as the end of the semester draws near. Students at Q.U. won’t even have to study for their finals, because they won’t know what’s going to be in the test until they take it. Be prepared for some surprises!

 

Quokka U. Progress Report

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Meet the Quokka

(While Lee and Pat make vain and futile efforts to buy basic household goods, turn we now unto Quokka University…)

G’day, folks! Byron the Quokka here–at Quokka University, no less, where exciting things are happening. We’re shooting for Sept. 31 as the official opening of our first semester–so sign up now! “Ipso loquitur mannimota,” is our motto.

We have signed up Violet Crepuscular’s former high school boyfriend, Otto Claptrap, to give a series of special lectures on topics of compelling intellectual interest. Here are some of the titles:

*”Whose fault is it if you get blown up after walking onto property clearly posted as a mine field?”

*”Why do people go on cruise ships when they’re just going to do the same things they could have done on land?”

*”Is dinosaur soft tissue edible? If so, who’s eating it?”

*”Why am I lecturing to a bunch of quokkas and other marsupials?”

Meanwhile, someone is tugging my tail about the comment contest. Hey, lay off! I can’t make readers comment, can I? Caw, it’s as the spirit moves ’em, isn’t it?

Last I looked, there were less than a thousand comments to go to No. 60,000, a major milestone. But I can’t run a contest and track down Mr. Claptrap at the same time. I had to negotiate all his fees, y’know. Whatever else you say about him, at least he’s cheap!