‘The Killer Cats of Britain’ (2017)

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(Not actually a giant cat that can eat you)

Zero comments, zero likes, zero hymn requests–an ideal time to contemplate the overgrown killer cats that have terrorized Britain since the early Middle Ages.

The Killer Cats of Britain

Professor Kefoozelum says the killer cats were actually armadillos. Dr. Krimp just sits there and cries: someone please remove him.

Why are there so many ancient (and not so ancient) stories of big cats haunting Britain? There are native wildcats, but they’re only little things–hardly likely to bump off 180 armored knights.

Too bad the cryptozoologists are so busy, these days…

Cripp-Toe Zuollagy: ‘In’ Surch Of Wimmin!!!

Snowbeast trailer | Red nosed reindeer, Christmas cartoons, Abominable  snowman rudolph

We hadded a lexture tooday it bloated My mynde!!!! It was a Cripp-Toe Zuoallagist,, ze sayed “”We “are” alyaws loooking foar Big-Foot heer And thare “and” evvry-ware wen we shood Reely “be” loooking for Wimmin!”!”!

At frist i dint Unnder-stand waht he ment becose affter awl thare Are wimmin awl Over “the” Plaice!!!! But then he challinjd us to De-fyne Wimmin and yiu Know what,, we coodnt doo It!!!!

“Sumb exprats say thars No sutch “thing” as Wimmin, thay are jist Men whoo get pregganint!!!!” that is waht he sayed. “Meenwile the Soupream Cort eevin Thay doughnt know waht Wimmin is!!”! And aslo the Prezzadint of Wimmon Lawyars eeven she says she cant De-fyne Wimmin, it “is” jist waht ze Identrifies As!!!”!

So this heer is ware the Cripp-Toe Zerallergist coms In!(!) He “is” trying to fynde a Wimmin whoo Is “not” jist a Man whoo got pregganint!!! This heer It Is Of Vyttle Impotence!!!! Haow can yiu has Wimmins Rihghts iff thare isntt Reely enny sutch thing as Wimmins??? And he sayed “Iff yiu Cant De-fyne a thing,, then It dussnt Excist!!!!!!!!!!”

It “is” A Tearable Thrett to Wimmin iff thay doughnt Excist!! And I amb Up-Sett becose wee doughnt know Waht “to” Do!!!!

‘Has Anybody Seen the Nandi Bear?’ (2018)

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I have to go to the eye doctor this morning, so that’s going to cost me two hours’ writing time. Meanwhile, I thought this post might be appropriate.

Has Anybody Seen the Nandi Bear?

Well, I’m going to have my eyes checked, aren’t I? And I haven’t even claimed to have seen the Nandi bear. It’s so embarrassing when you tell people “Yes, I’ve seen the Nandi bear, it was just outside the car wash” and it turns out, when you get new glasses, to be just a mailbox or something.

I don’t know when I’ll be back; but please feel free to browse the archives.

‘Seein’ Things’ (2018)

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Ray’s first Jersey Devil book

For three hundred years we’ve had Jersey Devil sightings, mostly in the Pinelands of New Jersey. Is it possible that people are telling the truth about these encounters?

Seein’ Things

My late brother-in-law, Dr. Ray Miller, spent a lot of time in the pine barrens investigating Jersey Devil sightings. At the end, he could never make up his mind whether the Devil was real or not. All he’d say for certain was, “There’s something out there–but I don’t know what!”

You can find Jersey Devil videos on YouTube. Some are silly. Some are out-and-out hokum. But a few if them do show people who’ve been scared out of their gourds by something dark and strange.

Go ahead–go camping in the Jersey pines alone some night, and let us know how you make out.

My Newswithviews Column, Dec. 24 (‘Did We See… a Pterodactyl?’)

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I don’t know about you, but I needed a break from politics. After all, it’s Christmas.

So I wrote about our pterodactyl. I’m sure I’m the only Newswithviews columnist who’s seen a pterodactyl.

Did We See a… Pterodactyl?

Yes, I know, the libs will jump all over it. “See? See? We toldja he was crazy!” But as Lou Costello once said, I saw what I saw when I saw it–and I don’t care what a bunch of leftids think. They believe in much more ridiculous things than the occasional pterodactyl. I prefer not to mention any of them here.

P.S.–Don’t forget out cyber-Christmas party! All are welcome! Bring imaginary snacks and board games and party fixin’s. We’re going to have a blast!

‘Did We See a Pterodactyl?’ (2017)

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If you make a habit of looking up at the sky, you’ll see some pretty strange things.

Like this.

Did We See a Pterodactyl?

So was it a pterodactyl? Really? In Holmdel Township, New Jersey? How could that possibly be so?

But that’s what it looked like. That’s the only think it looked like.

Joe Collidge Discovers Cryptozoology

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I wented to “a” reel kool lexture “last” nihght it was all abuot a New Scyints i has nevver herd “Of” it is caled Clepto-Zoo-Olligy! Oar somb thing “lyke” That!!

Did yiu know thare is aminals alll Over “the” Whirld that noboddy thay has sceen themb befour??? Somb of themb is Dynasores and Willy mammeths but somb of themb “thay” are smawl aminals and clepto zooollagists thay “Are” loocking al Over “the” plaice to fyned themb!!!!

We seen a Lot “of” slydes of theeze Secret Creetchers lyke :the “ones” up thare In the Pixture,, i hasnt nevver sceene nothing Like themb befour,, thay live Up In “The” deeep wooulds ware thare “is” aslo Big Foot and Choopa Capra and the Lock Nest Manster!!!!! Somboddy whoo was jist “a” Biggit “and” a Hater he sayed thay “are” Ownly plane old Rabbets so we beet himb up,, that is reel Socile Jutstus!!!!

Heer is anether Clepto Aminal.

Considering Consciousness Through The Eyes Of A Squirrel : 13.7: Cosmos And  Culture : NPR

At frist i thinked I sceene One “Of” theeze onct rihght hear On Our Campis it was clyming “a” Treee but ackturally it is a Seecrit Clepto Zology Creetcher it livves in Affricker and the Naytivves thay are al Afrayed of it!!!! The lexture sayed it jist gose “To Shoh” that thare is Seecrit Creetchers evry ware!!!

The lexture thay sayed theeze aminals thay Are Prooof that Evilusion it is Reel and evin Peeple thay are goingto Evolve “into” somb thing Elsse so i amb goingto Keep a Iye out fore “it”!!!!!!

The Mongolian Death Worm

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All I wanted to do was add another post–and WordPress torpedoed me. Suddenly the whole format has been changed. I don’t know what I’m looking at. I have no idea why they do this to their users., I can’t start a new paragraph, and now I can’t see what I’m writing!

I just found the paragraph.

When Roy Chapman Andrews was organizing his 1926 Gobi Desert expedition, to search for fossils, Mongolian authorities asked him to keep an eye out for a kind of “death worm” inhabiting the desert: two feet long, looks like a sausage, and just to touch it causes instant death. How he was supposed to collect a specimen was not explained.

Several expeditions since then have tried, but no one has yet found any trace of the death worm.

I think it has moved to WordPress and is feeding on the brains of defenseless users. Like me.

I have no idea whether I’ll be able to post this. Here goes nothin’.

 

Mr. Nature: The Return of the Elephant Shrew

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Jambo! Mr. Nature here, in the Horn of Africa–and so is the elephant shrew.

Actually, this cute little guy didn’t “return” from anywhere. He’d never left. But for 50 years or so, scientists couldn’t find any–although the local people said yeah, sure, they’re still around. But now, finally, science has rediscovered the elephant shrew–with the aid of no-kill traps baited with… peanut butter. Somebody had a bright idea!

As tiny as it is, the elephant shrew is most closely related to aardvarks, manatees… and the elephant. Or so they tell me.

And if it had been a cryptozoologist who’d rediscovered it, he would have succeeded himself right out of a job.

Cryptozoology at Quokka U.

Perth: Cutest quokka photo captured by Campbell Jones on Rottnest ...

G’day, everybody! Byron the Quokka here, with an important announcement. Drop whatever you’re doing (unless you’re making nitroglycerine) and listen up.

We have decided to offer a course in Cryptozoology here at Quokka U., starting sometime in the future. What is Cryptozoology, you ask? Well, plain old Zoology is the study of plain old animals; but Cryptozoology studies animals that might not exist. But of course you’ve got to find them before you can study them.

Cryptozoology at Quokka U. will focus on searching for some of the most elusive critters known–well, okay, not known–to science. Here are some of the ones we’ll be really looking for:

Customer service reps who actually serve the customer.

College English majors who can actually speak and write English.

Sane liberals.

Really big and important people who don’t lie.

Leading socialists who don’t get rich.

The problem is, as soon as a cryptozoologist finally finds one of these creatures, it ceases to be cryptozoology and instantly becomes plain old zoology instead. Once they find Bigfoot, he won’t be ours anymore.

Well, the crypto-critters we’re after have proved to be a lot more elusive than Bigfoot.

Depending on how many students sign up for the course, we’ll get up an expedition to the Outback and see what’s out there.