Tag: cryptozoology

My Newswithviews Column, April 13 (‘A Peek Into 2100’)

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57,008 Child Hiding Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

“There must be children somewhere! We’ve just got to find them.”

No one ever mentions this; but if enough children get their “gender reassigned,” the human race will blot itself out of existence. Except, of course, for elite globalist bigwigs who’ve had their so-called minds downloaded into really cool robots. But they weren’t going to have any children anyway.

Cryptozoology to the rescue!

A Peek Into 2100

Someday we might be in pretty desperate straits, having rendered way too many children permanently sterile. What are we going to say? “It seemed like a good idea at the time”? But we are unlikely to have any posterity to say it to.

So What the Dickens Is It?

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Officials at the Bentsen-Rio Grande Valley State Park said they were left scratching their heads when they spotted this mysterious creature on a trail camera. 

This photo was taken by a tourist at Bentsen-Rio Grande Valley State Park in Texas–taken at night, so the details aren’t altogether clear. People have been trying all week to identify the animal.

Don’t laugh: but the first guess that came to my mind was “hippopotamus?” We don’t have anything else in the picture to give it scale. The tree is no help: if the animal is small, so is the tree; and if the animal is large, so is the tree.

Well, nobody wants to join me in guessing hippo. We are told the latest consensus is “badger.” They’re not commonly found in this area, but then neither are hippos. We also have some sentimental votes for “wolverine.”

This story strikes a chord with me because, in my own series of Bell Mountain novels, one of the signs given by God is the return of long-extinct animals. What if this here critter is a None of the Above?

I admit I’ve never seen a badger in real life. So if that’s what it is, well, that’s what it is.

 

 

The Goatman Cometh

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A Mumsnet user reported seeing an unusual creature (file photo)

Motorists in Northamptonshire, England, have reported sightings of a very large creature that seems to be part-man, part-goat (https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/locals-spot-mystery-six-foot-26305602).

Everybody knows the infamous Goatman is a product of Climbit Change and transphobia. Or maybe it’s Tony Blair (remember him?) going trick-or-treating. Or is it Britain’s answer to Bigfoot?

We can expect to see more and more of these crypto-critters unless we give the United Nations all our money and allow them to set up a global government run by jidrools.

 

‘The Killer Cats of Britain’ (2017)

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Image result for images of monster cat

(Not actually a giant cat that can eat you)

Zero comments, zero likes, zero hymn requests–an ideal time to contemplate the overgrown killer cats that have terrorized Britain since the early Middle Ages.

The Killer Cats of Britain

Professor Kefoozelum says the killer cats were actually armadillos. Dr. Krimp just sits there and cries: someone please remove him.

Why are there so many ancient (and not so ancient) stories of big cats haunting Britain? There are native wildcats, but they’re only little things–hardly likely to bump off 180 armored knights.

Too bad the cryptozoologists are so busy, these days…

Cripp-Toe Zuollagy: ‘In’ Surch Of Wimmin!!!

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Snowbeast trailer | Red nosed reindeer, Christmas cartoons, Abominable snowman rudolph

We hadded a lexture tooday it bloated My mynde!!!! It was a Cripp-Toe Zuoallagist,, ze sayed “”We “are” alyaws loooking foar Big-Foot heer And thare “and” evvry-ware wen we shood Reely “be” loooking for Wimmin!”!”!

At frist i dint Unnder-stand waht he ment becose affter awl thare Are wimmin awl Over “the” Plaice!!!! But then he challinjd us to De-fyne Wimmin and yiu Know what,, we coodnt doo It!!!!

“Sumb exprats say thars No sutch “thing” as Wimmin, thay are jist Men whoo get pregganint!!!!” that is waht he sayed. “Meenwile the Soupream Cort eevin Thay doughnt know waht Wimmin is!!”! And aslo the Prezzadint of Wimmon Lawyars eeven she says she cant De-fyne Wimmin, it “is” jist waht ze Identrifies As!!!”!

So this heer is ware the Cripp-Toe Zerallergist coms In!(!) He “is” trying to fynde a Wimmin whoo Is “not” jist a Man whoo got pregganint!!! This heer It Is Of Vyttle Impotence!!!! Haow can yiu has Wimmins Rihghts iff thare isntt Reely enny sutch thing as Wimmins??? And he sayed “Iff yiu Cant De-fyne a thing,, then It dussnt Excist!!!!!!!!!!”

It “is” A Tearable Thrett to Wimmin iff thay doughnt Excist!! And I amb Up-Sett becose wee doughnt know Waht “to” Do!!!!

‘Has Anybody Seen the Nandi Bear?’ (2018)

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I have to go to the eye doctor this morning, so that’s going to cost me two hours’ writing time. Meanwhile, I thought this post might be appropriate.

Has Anybody Seen the Nandi Bear?

Well, I’m going to have my eyes checked, aren’t I? And I haven’t even claimed to have seen the Nandi bear. It’s so embarrassing when you tell people “Yes, I’ve seen the Nandi bear, it was just outside the car wash” and it turns out, when you get new glasses, to be just a mailbox or something.

I don’t know when I’ll be back; but please feel free to browse the archives.

‘Seein’ Things’ (2018)

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Ray’s first Jersey Devil book

For three hundred years we’ve had Jersey Devil sightings, mostly in the Pinelands of New Jersey. Is it possible that people are telling the truth about these encounters?

Seein’ Things

My late brother-in-law, Dr. Ray Miller, spent a lot of time in the pine barrens investigating Jersey Devil sightings. At the end, he could never make up his mind whether the Devil was real or not. All he’d say for certain was, “There’s something out there–but I don’t know what!”

You can find Jersey Devil videos on YouTube. Some are silly. Some are out-and-out hokum. But a few if them do show people who’ve been scared out of their gourds by something dark and strange.

Go ahead–go camping in the Jersey pines alone some night, and let us know how you make out.

My Newswithviews Column, Dec. 24 (‘Did We See… a Pterodactyl?’)

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I don’t know about you, but I needed a break from politics. After all, it’s Christmas.

So I wrote about our pterodactyl. I’m sure I’m the only Newswithviews columnist who’s seen a pterodactyl.

Did We See a… Pterodactyl?

Yes, I know, the libs will jump all over it. “See? See? We toldja he was crazy!” But as Lou Costello once said, I saw what I saw when I saw it–and I don’t care what a bunch of leftids think. They believe in much more ridiculous things than the occasional pterodactyl. I prefer not to mention any of them here.

P.S.–Don’t forget out cyber-Christmas party! All are welcome! Bring imaginary snacks and board games and party fixin’s. We’re going to have a blast!

‘Did We See a Pterodactyl?’ (2017)

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If you make a habit of looking up at the sky, you’ll see some pretty strange things.

Like this.

Did We See a Pterodactyl?

So was it a pterodactyl? Really? In Holmdel Township, New Jersey? How could that possibly be so?

But that’s what it looked like. That’s the only think it looked like.

Joe Collidge Discovers Cryptozoology

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Rabbit Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

I wented to “a” reel kool lexture “last” nihght it was all abuot a New Scyints i has nevver herd “Of” it is caled Clepto-Zoo-Olligy! Oar somb thing “lyke” That!!

Did yiu know thare is aminals alll Over “the” Whirld that noboddy thay has sceen themb befour??? Somb of themb is Dynasores and Willy mammeths but somb of themb “thay” are smawl aminals and clepto zooollagists thay “Are” loocking al Over “the” plaice to fyned themb!!!!

We seen a Lot “of” slydes of theeze Secret Creetchers lyke :the “ones” up thare In the Pixture,, i hasnt nevver sceene nothing Like themb befour,, thay live Up In “The” deeep wooulds ware thare “is” aslo Big Foot and Choopa Capra and the Lock Nest Manster!!!!! Somboddy whoo was jist “a” Biggit “and” a Hater he sayed thay “are” Ownly plane old Rabbets so we beet himb up,, that is reel Socile Jutstus!!!!

Heer is anether Clepto Aminal.

Considering Consciousness Through The Eyes Of A Squirrel : 13.7: Cosmos And Culture : NPR

At frist i thinked I sceene One “Of” theeze onct rihght hear On Our Campis it was clyming “a” Treee but ackturally it is a Seecrit Clepto Zology Creetcher it livves in Affricker and the Naytivves thay are al Afrayed of it!!!! The lexture sayed it jist gose “To Shoh” that thare is Seecrit Creetchers evry ware!!!

The lexture thay sayed theeze aminals thay Are Prooof that Evilusion it is Reel and evin Peeple thay are goingto Evolve “into” somb thing Elsse so i amb goingto Keep a Iye out fore “it”!!!!!!