Tag Archives: the great gatsby

Feeling Dumb? False Facts to the Rescue!

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After the fantastic success of the first three editions of False Facts–believe it or not, not a single reader wrote in to plead with me not to previewFalse Facts 4.0: not even one!–we were gratified to adopt presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden as our company mascot. Let his words be our motto!

“We choose truth over facts.”

Tired of people thinking you’re just a poor dumb dope who doesn’t know anything? Do you wish you knew a lot of cool stuff that they don’t know? Wouldn’t it be great to have them all marveling at your erudition?

All you need is False Facts 4.0!

Here are just a few examples for you to practice with. When you see how impressed people are, you’ll want to buy the whole set.

Just remember: when you deliver a False Fact, stand up straight, speak boldly and authoritatively, and look that other person right in the idea, double-dog-daring him to challenge you. And okay, here we go.

*Yogurt was originally invented by the Vikings, who used it to treat nightmares in chickens.

*The Great Gatsby was originally written as an advertising gimmick for Lifebuoy Soap.

*The city of Glasgow, Scotland, does not actually exist. It was removed in 1968, but the maps have never been updated.

*TV coverage of the Battle of Fallen Timbers shortened the Civil War by turning the public against it.

*The Pestilent Dutch Elm Monkey of Central Africa can eat four times its own weight in shredded wheat each day.

Well, that’s enough to get you started. When you’re ready for the full set of False Facts 4.0, mosey on down to your local Rite-Aid with $410.89 in cash. Tell ’em Joe sent you.


‘Whiny Students Demand Warning Labels on Literary Classics’ (2015)

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Every now and then I wonder if the d*****bags running our colleges and universities are trying on purpose to turn their students into completely useless wastes of space. Like, for instance, when they encourage the little bozos to be afraid of what they might read in The Great Gatsby.

https://leeduigon.com/2015/06/12/whiny-students-demand-warning-labels-on-literary-classics/

“Warning! This literary classic contains depictions of activities other than shaping Play-Doh with cookie cutters and babbling about how to Save The Planet. Reader discretion is advised. If triggered into trauma, contact emergency services.”

Yeah–I think they’re doing it on purpose.


‘Whiny Students Demand Warning Labels on Literary Classics’ (2015)

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I’m still trying to understand why kids who grow up playing Zombie Blood ‘n’ Guts Holocaust every day wind up cringing in fear at The Great Gatsby. It seems some mysterious and fearful thing happens to them, the moment they enter college.

https://leeduigon.com/2015/06/12/whiny-students-demand-warning-labels-on-literary-classics/

Well, I’ve heard Rutgers students this semester are objecting to the nursery rhyme, “Jack and Jill went up the hill,” on the grounds that it’s heteronormative, ableist, sexist, racist, and harmful to the bacteria that live in college students’ brains.


i Dont get This book!!

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In our Sexism and Opresion class “this Morning” we lernt abote this hear “book” it is caled The Grate Ghatsby and “it is” all full-up Whith hetronomratiffity and Wite Prifflidge and triger “Words” only It “was” Harrd for me “To” pay atension becose My Moth Antenners thay was itchin somthing feerce!!

Anyhow this guy Ghatsby he was a hindoo or somthing “and” he got reel Ritch selling Boots and things and he “had” this hear grate Big Huose on some Iland i think “it” was Sissaly or some “place” Like that and he was “in” Luv whith this hear Wimmim her “name” it was Dazy and she was like all reddy “maried” to some ritch ghye but Ghatsby he got to has Dazy only she run Over some Ohther guye or maybe it Was some ohther guys Whife,, i dont know i “Had” reely bad itchy then..mayby I misssed somthing! and then Ghatsby he got shott!!!

Now thiss Sexist Racist storey it Is importted becose “it” re-deuces all Wimmins to being Hand-mades thay is got to has Babys for christins and nevver is aloud to get a bortion! Oo that makes me Mad!! and that “is” whye this hear Book it got to be Band!!! so no boddy thay is aloud “to” reed it no moar!! so affter she lernt it to us and she toled us All “abote it” the prefesser she throwed the Book “on The” flore and jumpped Up and Downe on it wile wee alll Chantered Hillery, Hillery, Hillery!!!

And now i gess yiu can see howe Us Intrerllecturels we get “so” Smart “at” Collidge!!


Whiny Students Demand Warning Labels on Literary Classics

At the start of the 2014-15 school year, which we’re just finishing now, collidge students throughout this great land demanded “trigger warnings” be posted on books of literature, textbooks, or any other kind of potentially upsetting material that might send a poor, defenseless student spiraling into post-traumatic stress disorder. At my own alma mater, Rutgers–they’re always trying to hit me up for money, and I always say no–some budding interllectural called for a warning label to be slapped on to The Great Gatsby on account of its “gory, abusive, and mysogynistic violence” ( http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/18/us/warning-the-literary-canon-could-make-students-squirm.html ).

Please don’t stop to consider how the same people who grow up playing Zombie Holocaust every waking moment turn into dainty little drips who can’t read The Great Gatsby because it might be too scary for them.

This has caught on at various universities, nationwide. At the U. of California, Santa Barbara, the student government formally demanded that “trigger warnings” be placed on all sorts of reading material.

You don’t know what a trigger warning is? Don’t blame yourself. The term was invented only recently and is only used by morons in the academic world. Not at all surprisingly, the warnings “have their ideological roots in feminist thought,” according to the New York Times. Of course.

Oberlin College published a guide to trigger warnings, containing this jewel of wisdom:

“Triggers are not only relevant to sexual misconduct, but also to anything that might cause trauma… racism, classism, heterosexism, cissexism, ableism, and other means of privilege and oppression…”

I wonder which is worse–cissexism or ableism?

But here’s the kicker: someday, blithering idiots who know all about cissexism and ableism, and can go rattling on about them for hours, will be old enough to vote and hold public office. They will become the next generation of teachers, noozies, lawyers, judges, and bureaucrats.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.


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