Category: satire

Naming the Millipede Inspector! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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In case you missed it–performing brain surgery, putting out a fire, whatever–Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, last week threw open her in-progress novel to her readers… announcing a contest to name the Royal Millipede Inspector in her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. The prize: literary immortality!

Since then, two or three entries have poured in from all over the world.

From Pungdoosh, Afghanistan: “What are you talking about? What is milly-peed, please?”

A reader in Fitzburgh, Kansas: “Is this with Reader’s Digest?”

And from Sverlovinsk-Druzh, Siberia, “My mother hurt her coccyx yesterday.”

None of this gets us into Chapter DCLXXXXIV of the romance. “For that you need a ladder and a crowbar!” quips Ms. Crepuscular. “All I can tell you is, once we get the millipede inspector named, and he and Lady Margo recognize each other as long-lost childhood sweethearts–well, oh-boy, things are gonna sizzle! But good!”

Notice we’re going nowhere at all without a name for this character. We leave him inspecting the streets of Scurveyshire for sub-standard millipedes.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 27

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Pin by Dale Lund on TV in 1967 | Tv guide, Tv guide listings ...

G’day, g’day–and rain, rain, go away! Byron the Quokka here, with TV delights guaranteed to get you through the bad weather without your brains falling out. Like these, for instance:

7 P.M.  Ch. 08  CAN PEOPLE GET HAIRBALLS?–Panel discussion

Join a panel of non-entity celebrities–Beto O’Rourke, Alyssa Milano, Colin Whatsisname, and some ninny who broke in here one night, looking for designer undies–as they continue to discuss this fascinating topic. They’ve been at it eight weeks now! Featuring the June Taylor Dancers and their new number, “Coccyx Busters.”

Ch. 18  THE NEWS GAME WITH JIMMY FRAUD–Penance

Can you pick out the only news item of the night that’s not a fake? If our special guests can’t, they get a shock where it’ll do the most good! Featuring Artificial People in the studio audience!

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14  MOVIE–Documentary

John Phillip Tossup stars as the legendary Barroom Head-Butting champion, Windy Weinstein in It Hurts You More Than It Hurts Me (Serbo-Honduran, 2014: 781 minutes). Was Windy’s head really indestructible? Glamorous CIA Agent Barbie Vavoom (Sandy Duncan, with voice-over by Luciano Pavarotti) needs to know! Song: “Ooh, Me Achin’ Head!”, sung by studio electricians.

8 P.M.  Ch. 62  HAVE FLEAS, WILL TRAVEL–Adult Western

(Yes, everybody in this show is an adult!) Gunslinger Lightnin’ Morose (Mel Allen) can’t get rid of them dam’ itchy fleas no matter what he does! This week: A sinister shepherd (Rin Tin Tin) offers Lightnin’ a bath in his sheep dip… with results that’ll keep you freaked out for a week! Little Nell: Dame Judith Anderson. Bystander: Walter Lippman.

Well, that’s that! You’ve got some great TV this week–

The quokka is the happiest animal on Earth! : r/pics

–or my name isn’t Byron the Quokka! And that’s me, signing off.

Our Jobydin Stachoo!!

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Tattooing Practice on a Grapefruit: Smiley Face by ...

Yiu mite remememebur a cupple moths Ago our Stodent Soviet “we voated” to Put Up “a” stachoo of Pressidint Jobydin!!! Well, we dint has enugh Play-Doh!But then sumb boddy thay gived us a “Mannakin” fromb “one Of the” stoars so we cood use That!! It was a Gurl Mannakin and she dint has No Cloathes “on” but That wuzznt the “biggist” promble!!! Half her lefft Arm is broak off!!! But hay we Arint in Collidge “for” “Nothin!!”!”  Awl we hadded to “do” was Putt “a” Gluv on her Lefft Ellbo!!!!

Butt then yeasterday A Tragicul Thing it hapened!! We was makin The hedd Loock moar lyke Jobydin’s hedd wen it broak Off and fel “on The” flor and broak In-to a thowzind peeces “!” It was the wurst Thing yiu evver seen!!!!!!!! Calamatee!!!! Butt lyke I sayed be-four,, we aint In Collidge foar Nothing!!!!

I founded a spair Grape Froot and we used “that!”!” Awl we hased to do was draw A Faice on it!!! Ta Dah!!!! And nhow evvry boddy thay has to “Saloot” evvry tyme thay wauk Past It!!!!!

This heer it “was One Of” the gratist things “we” evver done!!!

Name the Millipede Inspector! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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(I’ve been looking for a way to jazz up this blog and get more readership, but Violet Crepuscular has beaten me to it.)

“Name the Royal Millipede Inspector–Lady Margo Cargo’s long-lost childhood sweetheart!” trumpets Ms. Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense. The winner, she writes, will receive a handsome prize–

Literary immortality!

“Yeah, sure,” she confides in her readers, “I could make it a Jerry Brown mug, or some flashlight batteries–but what price literary immortality? Your name will be given to the Royal Millipede Inspector! How great is that?” We are not sure what she means. Are you?

Meanwhile, we open up Chapter DCLXXXXIII of Ms. Crepuscular’s epic romance, Oy, Rodney, with a touching scene: Lady Margo and the Royal Millipede Inspector pass each other on Scurveyshire’s High Street without even the slightest glimmer of recognition passing between them. The fact that Lady Margo is on a pogo stick, which plays hob with her wooden leg, and every bounce provokes an embarrassing belch, may have something to do with this non-reunion.

The Royal Millipede Inspector continues to inspect the town for millipedes.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 20

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TV Guide Dec 3-9 1977 (4) - Flashbak

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here–and is this new year whizzing by, or what? January’s almost over, and it only just started! Better slow down and relax with some of Quokka University’s vintage television.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 15  THE FLOTSAMS–Sitcom

Mr. Flotsam (Antonino Rocca) finds his pet amoeba, Jingles (voice of Luciano Pavarotti), can’t sing loud enough to be heard. Mrs. Flotsam (Linda Hunt). The Lost Trucker (Name Not Known).

Ch. 41  NEWS & PRO WRESTLING–One’s more fake than another

How about you put the news anchor’s desk in the middle of a wrestling ring while a tag-team match is going on? Anchor Willie Makit perseveres while mayhem is committed on his desk and all around it by Tarzan Tyler and Johnny Rodz vs. The Mongols. Bonus Feature: Interview with renowned economics professor Steve Blass broken up by Hulk Hogan and Spaceman Frank Hickey.

8 P.M.  Ch. 07  MOVIE–Crazy stunts with antique aeroplanes

In “Shoot My Coccyx” (Ethiopian, 2016: 398 minutes), World War I flying aces Billy Bollix (Sam Snead) and Herrmann Vermann (Andre the Giant) go all-out to shoot each other down–and heaven help anyone who gets in the way! Baron Einsweidrei (Kurt Jurgens). General LeFong (This guy from Hee Haw). Ground crew: The June Tasylor Dancers

Ch. 38  HAVE GUB, WILL TARVEL–Dyslexic Western

Beto O’Rourke (remember him?) stars as dyslexic gunslinger Adolphe Menjou, always in trouble because he can’t read or remember his instructions. Tonight: Adolphe mistakes his true love Kitty (Maggie Smith) for bad guy Black Bart Bartell (Tab Hunter) and shoots her dead–in front of 47 witnesses.Song: “Evening in Khartoum with Dervishes.”

Folks, that’s just a sample of the fabulous TV we’ve got lined up for you this weekend. I never miss an episode of  The Flotsams!

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

Cousin Veezy has color TV–I hope he’s home today! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

‘”Lyfe affter Collidge???

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A Funny Thing Happened on My Way to the Lecture Hall… – Wonder Why

(I lyke Lextures but thiss “one it” was rediccallus!!!)

Thare “was” a Lexture heer yeastreday, big Fat biggit Hater, she tawked abuo”t” Lyfe Affter Collidge”!!!!

What???

Whell natchurley wen I “heered” waht it “was” abuot, no whay “I” wented “To” that lexture!!!!! Waht duzz she meen,, Lyfe Afftar Collidge??? Wahtthehell IS after Collidge?? Nothing i evver hurd abuOt, exzep “awl theeze” heer Stopid “jobs”!!”! Whoo whants A stopid Job?!!? Waht “is” “the” Poynt of goingto Collidge iff yiu Wynde “up” whith “a” Jobb????

Affter Collidge,; mann, “that” is like toattle Crazee Talk!!!! If yiu Evvur “Finnish” collidge,., yiu has Don sumbthing Very, very Wrong!!!!!!!!!! That wood Be lyke saying “Well I has lurnt evry Thing, thare “is” nutthing lepht To Lurn!”!”! [Gee that lasst little Bit it loocks lyke A wimmin whith Ear Rings… ma”ybe” i shood maijer in Art…]

But see, a lexture lyke This One, it gose “to” “show” the ownly Free Speach is the speach waht evvry boddy says. Yiu jist caint has Trooe Dyvercity unlest evry “boddy” “thay” Are awl On “the” Saim Paige!!!!!!

A Special Announcement from The Queen of Suspense

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For those of you who’ve been enjoying the saga of Oy, Rodney as it piles up chapters like a hoarder piles up newspapers and magazines, Ms. Violet Crepuscular, “The Queen of Suspense,” has an important announcement to make.

“As everyone who’s been reading this epic romance knows,” she says, “Lady Margo Cargo’s childhood sweetheart has become, in the intervening 48 years, the Royal Millipede Inspector. He has also forgotten his name, it’s been so long since he used it!

“Here’s where you come in, dear reader. Or go out. What is the Millipede Inspector’s name? Coming up with it will be a contest for youse guys! I will actually use what I feel is the most apt name suggested by a reader. So the prize is a kind of literary immortality.”

Ms. Crepuscular vigorously rejects the allegation that she has run out of plot and is, as it were, simply treading water until she can think of something.

“Certain critics are never satisfied!” she declares. “These are no better than conflationists. Readers ought to shun them!”

Here are some millipedes to inspire you… if you’re the type who gets inspired by millipedes.

Millipedes - Control of Millipedes in the Home. | Kiwicare

‘”The Progressives’ Guide to Talking to Regular People”‘ (2017)

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These Democrats could be contenders for their party's nomination 2028. But first, they must boost Biden in 2024 | CNN Politics

Can’t they rely on the Freak vote? Why bother normal people?

They trash us every chance they get, they pour out their contempt for everything we hold sacred–and then they wonder why we don’t love them? But of course, as they discovered last time out… if you can’t beat ’em, cheat ’em.

I’d’ve loved to get my hands on one of those pamphlets, though.

‘The Progressives’ Guide to Talking to Regular Americans’

Like, how do you master this art when you don’t even know any regular people?

This is a presidential election year. They will need the votes of regular people, to stay in power: the freak vote alone will never suffice.

They will never get regular people to vote for them. They’ll cheat again. Bet your bottom dollar on it.

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 13

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 21st through 27th ...

G’day, everybody! Are you settling into the new year? Are you looking for some great TV? Byron the Quokka here to help you find it. Like so:

6:42 P.M.  Ch. 08  THE BANNED BAND–Variety, music

When was the last time you heard The Toilet Fixtures sing The Curse of an Aching Coccyx? Or Chucky Shooboo and Windex performing I’ve Got Hives in Hard-to-Get-At Places? Check it out! Your Host: A man with an uncanny resemblance to a poached egg.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 15  NEWS WITH GOGGLES–(Exactly what it sounds like)

If you’re one of those viewers who always thought news shows would be much, much better if everyone on screen wore goggles–well, your ship has come in! From anchorwoman Kathy Frogface down to the poor sod who has to plug in the overhead mike, they’re all in goggles! Even the sponsors.

7 P.M.  Ch. 34  UNEXPLAINED MYSTERIES THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT–Ideal for hospital patients too weak to change channels

Have you ever wondered why there are no oceans on land? Or how come there are no fairies in Balmy Beach, Kansas? They couldn’t get Leonard Nimoy, but your host, Sid Pankovitz, looks enough like Nimoy to be his third cousin once removed. How about that? Another unexplained mystery!

7:10 P.M.  Ch. 52  MOVIE–Rip-roaring Western with hand puppets

Mao Tse-tung’s hairdresser used all his influence to get this 220-minute hand-puppet Western made in 1966… only to be executed after the critics roasted it. Features the voices of various Chinese celebrities completely unknown to Western audiences! Plus musical themes stolen from American TV Westerns like The Rifleman, Rawhide, and A Midsummer Night’s Dream. The remake is said to include a plot, but we don’t believe it.

Is that enough to get you started, folks? I’m gonna watch ’em all!

1,400+ Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images ...

Grab some leaves and we’re good to go! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Razing Munny ‘Foar” Hunterbydin!!!

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8,776 Stickman Funny Images, Stock Photos, 3D objects ...

Haow grate “is” This?! Heer “at” Collidge our Stodint Soviet we “Are” has a Bayk Sail to raze munny to de-fent Hunterbydin frumb being Perpsicuted by themb Hater Biggits in congriss!!!

And gesswaht!!!! We has got “a” Jenyuwyne Paynting by Hunterbydin hisself!! And that thare “Is” The Pixture rite up thare!!!! He paynted It spatially foar us so’s we cood Sell It!!!!! Ordrinairly this here pixture It wood “sell” foar $250 thowsind bux!!!!!!! So we whill has to Sell A Lot “of” Pot Brownys so we Can bye The Pixture “and” hang It in Our Stoodint Senter!!!!!! And evvry boddy heer thay whil has To say waht A Grate Pixture it is,, oar elsse!!!!!!!

Yiu can tawkabuot Van Go and Roobins and Pickasso but thare aint Nun “Of” Themb can tutch Hunterbydin foar Art!!! That thare Pixture “it maikes” me wont To Crye wen I cee it,, it Is so Byutafull!!!!!! Wurth evvry Penn”y”!”!”

Soa Far we “has” razed One Dolor and 34 scents!!!!!!!