Category: satire

Our Next (Gulp!)… ‘President’?

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Elsa Kurt has an uncanny ability to imitate Kamala Harris.

[Thanks to Susan for the nooze tip.]

So the special counsel describes SloJo as an old man with a bad memory–he was being fantastically charitable–and now assorted Democrats are flirting with the idea of giving Joe the push at their party’s national convention.

Of course, then they’d have to replace him. With whom? Our country is endowed with a whole crowd of terrifyingly inadequate “leaders.” But it would be hard to find anyone more inadequate than SloJo’s vice president–Kamala Harris, the Queen of Word Salad.

 

HILARIOUS: White Woman Does Spot-On Impression of ‘Every Kamala Harris Speech’ (VIDEO)

As if to drive home the point that she is no more self-aware than a man who insists he’s Queen Victoria, Kamala has been gushing about how “ready” she is to succeed Dodderin’ Joe as president.

Elsa Kurt’s imitation is uncomfortably close to the real thing.

P.S.–Yes, mockery is a legitimate tool of political discourse. And we never needed it more than we need it now.

 

To Pict or Not to Pict (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

See the source image

[Editor’s Note: Yes, I’m running late. Computer wasn’t about to do my bidding. My spirit is tired.]

Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, has blamed her readers for unleashing a Pictish invasion of Scurveyshire. Introducing Chapter DCLXXXXVII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Ms. Crepuscular writes:

“Well, I hope you’re happy! I throw open the Doors of Creativity, inviting my readership to provide a name for the Royal Millipede Inspector, Lady Margo Cargo’s lost love–and hardly anybody applies!! Whatever those Picts do to Scurveyshire, it’s your fault!”

But she is distracted by a reminder that today is The Super Bowl and she needs to whip up a batch of Super Bowl cookies. Suddenly a barbarian invasion seems like pretty small potatoes.

“This year’s Super Bowl cookies,” Violet mumbles, “feature not one but two layers of toothpaste between highly salted Ritz crackers. Double your pleasure!” She has not yet seen the millipede colony burgeoning in the remotest regions of her kitchen. “Julia Child never had millipedes!” she will cry, once she discovers she has something to cry about.

And so romance gives way to Pictish barbarity, which in turn gives way to blanking football… and by and by we will sample Violet’s double-toothpaste cookies.

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 10

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

The Essential TV Guide Fall Preview Issues of the 80s, Part ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s TV gold prospected by Quokka University! Here’s just the merest sample of the inexpressible delights that await you.

2:35 A.M.  Ch. 82  THE PEOPLE’S COURT VS. CHALLENGE OF THE GO-BOTS–(It defies description)

Inspired by an actual TV Guide page from 1985, this show was created by Soviet scientists in a last-ditch effort to preserve the Soviet Union. Well, it all depends on what you mean by “preserving the Soviet Union,” doesn’t it?

5:59 A.M.  Ch. 33  COOKING WHILE YOU’RE HALF-ASLEEP–Kitchen magic

Join Chef Giuseppe as he tries to get by on three hours’ sleep. With his assistants, Stumpy and One-eyed Jack, Chef Giuseppe was voted Customer of the Year by the Pokesdale Fire Dept. Today: “First Chase Out the Rats!” Guest appearance by the June Taylor Dancers, “It’s Your Coccyx, Baby.”

6:14 A.M.  Ch. 14  HISTORY’S GREAT SPEECHES IN PIG LATIN–(They’re kidding, right?) 

Have you ever wondered how William Jennings Bryan’s “Cross of Gold” speech would have sounded in Pig Latin? How about Winston Churchill’s “We Shall Fight Them on the Beaches”? America’s most infamous tongue-tied actors make it come alive! Your host: Some guy who looks like a jellyfish.

7 A.M.  Ch. 08   MOVIE (Mystery, suspense, and lot of footsie)

Chou En-lai stars as private eye Pinky McWart, the last survivor of a civilization never noticed by historians, in I Got Rhythm I Don’t Need (Serbo-Croatian, 1963: 641 minutes). Produced and sponsored by Spam, we believe this movie is why Chou is not premiere of China anymore. Featured song: “I Gargle Uncontrollably.”

Ch. 16   BEAT THE CROC–News and game show

While anchors Tom Babbo and Libby Przewalski read the news, daredevil contestants try to swim across the pool before Charlie and Ethan, the crocodiles, can pull them under and devour them. “Watching this makes me feel human again!” says a famous political figure (we dassn’t tell you who).

Well, how about that for pure entertainment? Makes you want to curl up and let the world go by!

The Quokka: The World's Happiest Animal – Quokka Hub

If you want to go swimming, say hello to the sharks. Much better you should stay on dry land. Here, have some nice leaves… Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Down Whith Gurl Scowt Coockies!!!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Girl Scout Cookie Season Is Here. Here's How to Get Them

Inn awl “my” Lyfe I has nevver scene Enny=thing moar Racist than theeze hear Gurl Scowt Coockies!!!!! “And” yiu know waht?? It maiks yiu Fatt!!!!!!! And aslo thay chardge Munny foar “it!”!”

So we hadded a Emurjintsy Meting of The Stodent Soviet to “see” haow we mite Get Ridd “of” themb Gurl Scowts!!!! We voated to Beet themb Up, but somb Deen she sayed “it” wood be bad foar the skool’s immidge!!! So insted we “are jist” goingto stannd Aruound thare “Tables” and yell At themb!!

Nhow thare “is” nuthing Wrawng “whith” Being Fatt!!!! How elsse “are” yiu sappozed to Get a Degree “in” Queer Fatt Studdies?? But Darnold Trump he started the freekin’ Gurl Scowts aand evvry Tyme yiu “By” Gurl Scowt Coockies yiu are Givving Munny “to” his campain!!!! A Activist tolled me that so It Musst Be Truue!!!!!!!!

How cumb we hasnt Got no Tik-Tok Chareman Mao Coockies????

We are goingto Assk Jobydin to “get” us thoze insted!!!!! Whith 10 (tenn) Persant (%) foar himb!!!!!!!!!!

The Royal Millipede Inspector, Continued (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

See the source image

Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, is angry with her readers (No, I will not add, snidely, “What, all four of them?”). Having invited them to name the Royal Millipede Inspector, who incidentally is Lady Margo Cargo’s long-lost love, Ms. Crepuscular was offended by the tepid response among her readers.

“I have a good mind to delete him from Oy, Rodney,” she says, introducing Chapter DCLXXXXV of her epic romance. “By gum, the millipede inspector who comes to my house doesn’t belong in any romance! But this tragic figure, this man who has forgotten his own name, whose only interest in life is millipedes, this poor jidrool who once vowed undying love to Margo Cargo when he saw her, as a little girl, catching and eating tadpoles, this pure tottering wreck of a man–oh, the music he and Margo could have made together!” He plays the spoons. Lady Margo plays the comb and paper.

(Nothing has happened in this novel for three weeks.)

But what’s this we hear? Can it be true? Oh, forsooth, we heard it clearly this time.

The Picts are coming! The Picts are coming!

It’s been 1,700 years since this last happened, give or take a few.

Looks like Scurveyshire is in for a blow!

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 3

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV - October 28th through ...

Holy moley! Is it February already? Where did January go?

G’day, Byron the Quokka here with your weekend TV schedule brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a sample of it!

4:07 P.M.   Ch. 11  VENOMOUS INSECTS AHOY!–Game show

Temporarily ignoring the fact that spiders are not insects, how many of these poisonous bugs can our contestants stuff into a bag before getting stung? Host: Obscure polar explorer Helmut Jofnoff. Featured: The June Taylor Dancers capering mindlessly in the background.

4:15 P.M.  Ch. 08  SPECIAL REPORT–Incredibly urgent news

Since scientists announced the discovery of the Celebrity Gene two weeks ago, Congress has been grappling with the prospect of an America inhabited exclusively by celebrities, 300 million of them, with no more Ordinary Public. Literally everyone would be a celebrity! Jimmy Fraud and Mary Stupid report.

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 21  MOVIE–Western adventure

Hoss Petrovich (Charles Bronson) is a famed gunslinger afflicted with OCD. A hundred other gunfighters want to take him down, but it’s all he can do to decide in the morning which sock goes on which foot and whether he ought to do any more tidying up before leaving his hotel room and going down to breakfast at 3:30 p.m. Judge Pennywhistle: Jackie Chan. Queen Hecuba: Dame Judith Anderson. The Duke of Pembroke: Don Knotts.

Ch. 43  SAMMY THE FLYING BLOB–Sitcom

He has no brain, he has no face, he eats laundry off the clothesline–but he lives in the suburbs with the Fimbo family (Rod Stewart, Sandy Duncan, some kid with weird eyes) and they’re stuck with him! This week: Mayor Scrawny (Chuck Norris) orders Sammy shot on sight. Song: “The Curse of an Aching Coccyx.”

P.S.–You can make your own Sammy by melting a pair of galoshes!

Byron the Quokka signing off–gotta go warm up my TV!

Baby quokka hi-res stock photography and images - Alamy

A green leaf makes a great snack!

Do ‘Not’ Thinck Bad Thawts!!’!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Open head brain hi-res stock photography and images - Alamy

We “Are’ On To SumbThing heer in Nothing Studdies!!!! It cood “start a” Revolsion!!

Heer “is” waht we lurnt!!! Frist yiu thinck Bad Thawts,, thenn “yiu” Doo Bad Things!!!!!!!!!! Iff yiu whant to “stopp the” Bad Things frumb hapening, frist yiu got To stop “the” Bad Thawts frumb Being thunk!!!! (And thay say Collidge it aynt Good foar enny thing!!! Hah!!!!!)

So our Stodent Soviet we setted up a Triburinal to fynde Out whoo “was thincking” Bad Thawts. We has this Guy, he lurnt Haow “to” hyppnatise peeple,, he Is Cykick, no boddy caint Hyde nothing “frumb” him!!! He whil ixpoze Awl The Bad Thawts and We whil Punnish evvry One whoo thincks themb!

I awlyays thawt sumbday I wood be A Gurl,, thats Haow I got “my” Moth Antenners but i didnt Get no Gurl parts!!! Nhaow I knOW it awl Faled becose Of Bad Thawts that Other Peeple thay wast Thincking, “Awl themb Ha”ters and Biggits!!!!!!

Whel, thay cant hyde Insyde thare Branes no moar,, Can “thay?”?” This Cykick Guy, he “can jist” putt his Hannd on yore Haed and know “waht” yiu Are Thincking!!!! Worning! This heer Collidge they “whill Not” alow Bad Thawts enny moar!!! We WILLH fynde Out!!!!

‘We Has Re-Infented Chesst!’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

See the source image

For “progressives,” everything is political. And all about race, all the time. Here’s what happens when the Student Soviet decides to re-imagine chess.

We Has Re–Infented Chesst!!

What better than to turn chess into an exercise in Obama-worship? But of course here the main lesson–the only lesson–is that Nobody Wins. Ever.

Get With It! With ‘Smart Talk’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Digital Versatile Disc Royalty-Free Images, Stock Photos ...

Do people just blow you off? Do you lack gravitas? Do they ignore you when you try to have a conversation? Well, bunky, we can change that for you, big-time!

New from Acme False Facts Inc.–Iconic Buzzwords Disk! Just slide ’em into your computer, lean back in your chair, and listen and learn! In no time at all, your family and friends, and even people who despise you, will be all ears when they see your lips moving.

Iconic Buzzwords (sh*t, I typed it “buzzards,” that won’t do!) will bring you up to date and cutting edge with all the latest gobbledygook and teach you how and when to use it. And it’s great in combination with your latest False Facts set. We have it on good authority that Beto O’Rourke has started using it. If he can come back from obscurity, so can you!

Gender Apartheid! Climate Mobility! Mega-election Year! You may not be a noozie or a politician, but you can certainly learn to talk like one! When in doubt, plug in a buzzword! Guaranteed Iconic! And suddenly everybody’s listening!

Order your first month’s disc today–we’re not gonna stop manufacturing them until the world runs out of buzzwords… and who’s ever gonna let that happen?

Special Introductory Offer: your first Iconic Buzzwords disc for the low, low price of $2.95 (plus $504.00 shipping and handling.

Naming the Millipede Inspector! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

See the source image

In case you missed it–performing brain surgery, putting out a fire, whatever–Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, last week threw open her in-progress novel to her readers… announcing a contest to name the Royal Millipede Inspector in her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. The prize: literary immortality!

Since then, two or three entries have poured in from all over the world.

From Pungdoosh, Afghanistan: “What are you talking about? What is milly-peed, please?”

A reader in Fitzburgh, Kansas: “Is this with Reader’s Digest?”

And from Sverlovinsk-Druzh, Siberia, “My mother hurt her coccyx yesterday.”

None of this gets us into Chapter DCLXXXXIV of the romance. “For that you need a ladder and a crowbar!” quips Ms. Crepuscular. “All I can tell you is, once we get the millipede inspector named, and he and Lady Margo recognize each other as long-lost childhood sweethearts–well, oh-boy, things are gonna sizzle! But good!”

Notice we’re going nowhere at all without a name for this character. We leave him inspecting the streets of Scurveyshire for sub-standard millipedes.