More False Facts to Wow Your Friends

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Are you tired of sitting alone in a corner, and no one ever wants to listen to you?

Help is here! With your new set of False Facts 3.0, become a fount of information virtually overnight! You’ll know things that nobody else knows, and people will flock to hear you speak. All you need is False Facts 3.0–and the ability to deliver them in a convincing manner that defies dissent. It’s not just what you way: it’s also the way you say it.

Here are a few samples from our newest set. Just trot ’em out and wow your friends.

*The original national anthem of Burma was “I’m an Old Cow-hand from the Rio Grande,” but that was changed in 1957.

*Julius Caesar was actually a woman.

*Radium is good for you! That’s why they used to make toothpaste out of it–until Big Dentistry got it banned because it was putting dentists out of business.

*The Liberian hamster eats twice its weight in horseradish every day.

*Article VIII, Section 4 of the United States Constitution establishes a right to daily entertainment provided by the federal government.

Just take a deep breath, stand tall, and lay ’em out there without batting an eye. You’ll be amazed by how many people believe you!

False Facts 3.0 is available at Rite-Aid for only $499.99. Get yours today!

Wow! More False Facts!

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What’s that you say? You’ve run out of Acme False Facts? Well, then, you’ll be happy to know the new set is to be issued next week. In the meantime, here are a few samples for you to try out.

Acme False Facts help you to establish yourself as a wise and knowledgeable person without going to the trouble to learn anything. All it takes is a bold front! Deliver your Acme False Fact in an authoritative tone, and don’t be afraid to back it up with imaginary sources. Whatever you say, say it with conviction! That’s what makes college professors and TV news anchors so successful.

Here you go. Try these:

Harcourt W. Smirch was President of the United States for seven weeks in 1839, but no one noticed.

According to the latest Plummer Poll [there’s no such thing, but people will be afraid to challenge you on this], 16.3 percent of Americans with eight or more years of college go on to be superheroes.

The world’s oldest baseball cards were manufactured in Persia in 1782. Today a Faraz Azwad, shortstop, Ecbatana Willies card sells for $902 million.

The Greenland beaver went extinct in May of 1952, but is now making a comeback, according to a UNESCO report.

Remember, say ’em like you know them to be true and only a thorough ignoramus would doubt you. And if anyone does dare to question you, just look at him a certain way and ask, in as condescending a manner as you can, “Are you in the habit of denying established facts?” That usually shrivels ’em up pretty fast.

More False Facts!

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It’s a tough problem. You want people to think you’re smart, but you’ve been to college and now you don’t know anything.

But help is on the way! The latest set of False Facts from Acme will help you live your dream. Just trot out a few of these and wow ’em with your knowledge. Say them confidently, authoritatively, and you’re home free.

Sneak preview: the new set includes the following goodies.

*In 1956 there were 1.6 million unemployed shepherds in the city of Toronto. Now there are only four.

*The Greek philosopher Aristotle actually lived in Trinidad. His name, in ancient Greek, means “kitchen utensil.”

*Dwight D. Eisenhower was only 14 years old when he planned the D-Day invasion.

*Switzerland has the highest per capita income in Asia.

*The planet Neptune was originally located in New Jersey, but it broke off in 446 B.C.

Those should be enough to get you started on your new career as a savant!

The Joy of Snow (per Dogs and Cats)

Gee, this makes me want to go out and play in the snow! Only we don’t have any.

The capacity for joy, the power of fun–these critters could teach us a thing or two about those very important things, if we were wise enough to learn.

False Fact: Whenever it snowed, Genghis Khan used to stop whatever he was doing and make a snowman.

The Fat-Head’s Tool Kit: Stupid Stats

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In mustering false facts to wow your audience and make them think you’re smart, don’t neglect statistics. Who isn’t impressed by statistics? It’s best you make them up yourself, because that way people can’t check up on what you say; but you do have to make them sound convincing. Stand tall, look ’em in the eye, and lie like a rug.

Here are some examples to get you started.

*98.3% of persons who practice astral projection believe in Man-Made Climate Change.

*43.4% of American Protestants got rather bad marks in college.

*At least 12.5% of women who have had abortions have gone on to become television news reporters and elected officials.

*Scientists at the Greenland Institute of Higher Education have found a one-to-one correlation between homeschooling and social dysfunction.

*Throughout ancient history, persons living in matriarchal societies enjoyed a Happiness Index 36 points higher than those living in other kinds of societies.

*The average atheist is 2.75 centimeters taller than the average Christian.

Yes, there will be silly people who attempt to argue with you. But all you have to do is smile tolerantly, shrug your shoulders, and say “Figures don’t lie.”

There’s no limit to how far you can go with this. I wish I had a statistic for how many future U.S. senators are reading this.


How to Talk Smart: False Facts

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If it’s really very important to you to have other people think you’re smart, but you simply don’t have it in you, well, you can still talk smart!

What makes people think you’re smart? Knowing something they don’t know!

That’s where Acme False Facts come in. Armed with these, and confidence–you do have to project confidence, so practice in front of a mirror–you can wow your neighbors and your co-workers with your vast store of esoteric knowledge.

Here are a few samples to get you started.

*In 24 hours, a healthy human body naturally manufactures enough palumbitol to fill a football helmet. (If anyone asks you what “palumbitol” is, respond with a pitying look and a slow shake of the head.)

*James Madison was educated in a Muslim school in Algeria.

*In Ancient Britain before the Roman conquest, same-sex marriage was the rule rather than the exception, and it produced a society completely free of inequality.

*Prior to 1938, there were no “Psalms” in the Bible. (You have to deliver that line with a great deal of confidence. Practice! If you can put this one over, there’s no limit to how far you can go–maybe even to a successful career in politics.) The Psalms were only added afterward, by a committee.

*Hillary Clinton’s IQ has been officially measured at 202, but she has always been very modest about it, purposely imitating a nincompoop so as not to intimidate the public.

*The first motion picture, The Graduate starring Dustin Hoffman, was made in 1970.


A Few More False Facts

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Even a fool, if he holds his tongue, may be thought wise. King Solomon said so. But who can hold his tongue?

Here are a few things that anyone can say to give an impression of deep wisdom and great erudition. All you have to do is say them with lots of gravitas. (That, by the way, is another word that really smart people use all the time.) You will know you’ve succeeded when someone’s eyebrows shoot up and he exclaims, “I didn’t know that!” But it’s even better if they just nod sagely. Then you’ll know that they’re faking it, too.

Here are your new false facts:

*The Moors in Spain, in addition to having beautiful water fountains, also had fountain pens that were centuries ahead of their time.

*Shakespeare’s plays were actually written by a woman named Rhoda MacTavish, with the exception of Prithee the Zoo, which Shakespeare wrote himself under the pseudonym Biff Mossbunker.

*Einstein has turned out to be wrong about time running backwards in regions where the curvature of space is less than 120 sporns.

*Studies by scientists in the European Union show that common people actually thrive on a diet of hickory bark and beetles.

*Among the Popjoy tribe of Siberian Wooshu people, 17 distinct genders have always been recognized, affirmed, and honored by specific rituals pertaining to each one. Consequently, the Popjoy are the healthiest people in Asia–and have also been found, by a special United Nations panel, to be the happiest and wisest.

Just remember, folks: say ’em like you mean ’em.

Wow Your Friends with These Astounding Facts!

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“Unknowable” had a cool idea last night: just whip up any old thing that would stretch the credulity of a three-year-old, call it “settled science,” and presto–you’ve got a liberal column.

We can do this because liberal “facts” (e.g., “Socialism really works”) are not facts at all. Denying that there’s any truth, they can’t very well have facts. Instead, there’s only whatever helps them get their way–this they label “truth”–and whatever doesn’t. They will deny that they’re denying anything, if that’s what they think they need to do at the moment.

With this in mind, we present the following eye-popping false facts, which you can trot out for any conversation and impress your hearers with your wealth of esoteric knowledge.

*That little “Speedy Alka-Seltzer” in all those old commercials was played by Katharine Hepburn.

*The Hawaiian language was only invented in 1960, in support of Hawaii’s statehood movement. Prior to that, Hawaiians all spoke Welsh.

*The world’s largest insect is the Laotian Burping Mantis–four to five feet long and weighing, when full-grown, sixty to eighty pounds.

*In the Middle Ages it was very common for men of the nobility to propose marriage while standing on stilts.

*The gall bladder is the only organ in the human body that functions equally well when turned inside-out.

There you go–run a few of these up the flagpole and see who salutes ’em. If your hearers are prepared to accept these assertions as fact, you should be thinking about starting a career in higher education, advertising, or politics.