It Snode heer on Kampis lasst Ni”gh”t!!! And woodent “yiu” Know it???! Inntwo the Stoodint Lownj busts a Kampis Patrole sh”ou”tin and Screemin “”I seen himb, I seen himb, he’s fleying “Aruound” up thare, fleying on his Broomb.””
We hased to pracktickly drownd himb to clam himb Down!!!! And we kep axking himb “Whoo didded yiu See up thare, whoo Was it???”” And he fineley telled us–
“Hary Potler, that’s whoo It was!!!!! Hary Potler and his broomb!!”
Well that was Harred “to” beleave!!! “Are yiu Shure it warent somb boddy Elsse on a broomb??” but he sayed “”I” know Hary Potler wen I sea himb, i’se seed Awl The Moovies; and if yiu doughnt Beleave Me, goh Out-Syde and see himb for yore selfs!!!!!”
So we awl runned Out-Syde and thare he “was,,” fleying ruound and ruoung the whether vain. “Hary waht yiu Dooing up thare”?”? “I wahnt to Goto Collidege!!!” he bibbled “Ownly thay woont let me becase Jakay Rowling she is Aunti-Trans!!”
Lucky we hadded somb one fromb The Stoodint Soviet rihght “thare!”! “Yiu can goto Collidge rihght hear and nhaow,,” shee sayed, “awl yiu Has “to” Do is chainge Yore naimb!!!!!!” Well that maid himb so hapy, he zooomed strate Up “into” “The” air and done a Power Dyve ownly he “mustof” over-did It becauwse he went Splat!! rihght into The Frog Pond (watt a mess!)!) But he Sure taut Jakay Rowling a lessen!!!!!!!!!!
Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-Twilight Zone) says she’s discovered a whole new way to meet America’s energy needs without harming The Planet “even one little bit!”
“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before!” she babbled. “Magic! All the energy we need, we can get by magic! Just like in a Harry Potter book! Somebody read me one of those and it made a lot of sense. Like, if you can fly around on brooms because you know the magic spells, with the right spell, you can do anything.”
It’s no secret in Washington that AOC is aiming for higher things–Speaker of the House, the Senate, governor, even the White House. Halfbakednews.com has learned that she has hired “a wise woman” to help her climb the ladder.
“No, no, not a real ladder, silly!” she gushed to an interviewer. “I mean the ladder of power. There is a spell for every rung!
“But we are talking about a new Mandate that will make magic the basis for all energy production in America! Presto–no more pollution! Cars won’t even need engines anymore!”
An extra surtax will be charged for each spell used by persons who are not members of the government, she added.
Whell our Nothing Studies prefesser she layed a Big One on “us” tooday,, she teeched us “that” Hary Pottor he “is” Reel!!!!!
And That “is” wye wee hadded a In-Classt Assininemint to rite A “letter” to Hary Pottor askin himb To come And “use” his Magickle Paowers to maik Hillery be pressadint and we al sined It tooo!!! It was “a” Masterpeece! Hear i whil shoe “it” to yiu—
Deer Hary Pottor wood yiu Pleeze come hear to Our Collidge and do yore Magickle Paowers to chainge Evvrything and maike Hillery Roadhog Clintin ore pressadint Insted “of” “that” no-goood Evel Racist donold trumpt!!! And than wee al sined Our Naimes!!!
Nhow How “do” wee Know hary Pottor “he” is reel??? The prefesser teeched it “to” us!!! She sayed if Spydor Man and aslo Aqua Men and aslo Plague Man thay “are” al Reel than lodgick it sayes than Hary Pottor “he” has aslo got To Be reel tooo!!!! “Yiu cant ague whith That!! she” sayed. Whel somb dum idjit he “did” try to argeu so she Flunckted himb and sended himb “to” Sensortivatie Traning!!!!
Now we has to weigt till Our letter it “gets To” Hary Pottor his adress it “is” a Seacrit but the prefesser she Knows somboddy whoo knows it and thenn “he” “wil” comb hear and maik a Magickle Spel and maybe aslo iff i “ask” himb reel Nice he can do a Spell to maik these “hear” Jim Sox taste better, thay alyaws dont taste so Good in summbertime.!
How many people have bought this, thinking it was a new Harry Potter novel written by J.K. Rowling?
Well, never mind her name on the cover–the fine print says “based on an original new story by.” Based on.
So it wasn’t written by Rowling, and it’s not a novel, but a script for a play.
If you open the book, you can immediately see the difference between a novel and a script for a play: the play has much, much more white space showing, way fewer words on a page than the novel. Sof when you buy this, you are paying for a fair amount of paper with nothing printed on it.
Scholastic Books–not my favorite outfit–hoped to make huge amounts of money on this caper, and apparently they have. If you feel exploited and ripped-off after you pay for the book, it still counts as a sale and Scholastic has still got your money.
Is it these readers’ own fault for not examining the cover more attentively? I suppose you could say it is.
If you enjoy the custom of giving gifts at Christmastime, here are a few it would be better to avoid. I have seen some of these gifts presented, and it has always turned out badly.
*Evening in Akron. This is a perfume. At least that’s what the label says. Akron, Ohio, is famous for the manufacture of tires. That’s what this stuff smells like. Tires. And it costs a lot, too.
*The “Hillary Clinton Laugh” Ring Tone. Not even to your worst enemy should you give this. You know the laugh I mean: the one that sounds like she ought to be stirring something in a cauldron, in a graveyard at midnight.
*The Do-It-Yourself Transgendering Kit. Well, hey, you get what you pay for.
*Somebody has a great deal on full shipping crates of Compound W, the wart remover; but I think there is a limit to how many little tubes of Compound W you can give someone without greatly offending him.
*The Harry Plotnik fantasy novels, by Ray Kay Jowling. These books are, of course, knockoffs of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter tales. In Harry Plotnik and the Healthy Dallows, for instance, the young sorcerer and his friends race the evil magician, Lord Liverwort, for possession of powerful magical items that restore sweet breath and a healthy head of hair. The only original touch is provided by the publisher, Bogoff Books, who put in some of the pages upside-down.
*How to Tame Any Animal, No Matter How “Dangerous,” instructional video by the late Hobart Smedley. You’ll see him sharing his technique for taming a nestful of hornets. You will not see him going up a ladder, high up into a tree, and trying his technique on hornets who weren’t quite in the mood. Also included is a tribute to Hobart by Alan “Stumpy” Jones, the former shark trainer.
So there you have ’em, folks. Steer clear of these items, and hopefully they’ll steer clear of you.
If my publishers and I were not committed to books fit for the Christian family, I could make a lot of money for us.
See, I’ve learned the formula for creating a Young Adults fiction best-seller. Reading and reviewing a lot of real YA best-sellers has given me a feel for it.
Try it yourself. Here are the ingredients.
1. Kids with super-strength, super-smarts, great kung-fu, or magic. The 11-year-old girl in your story must be able to beat up full-grown, able-bodied men. Kids get a real rush out of this. In real life, adults are always telling them what to do. But in YA fiction, the tables are turned and the kids always come out on top.
Don’t be afraid to make these confrontations really violent. Anything goes, as long as the child wins.
2. Invisible, irrelevant, or totally ineffectual parents. You may have noticed that some YA kid heroes and heroines come from homes where the parents are just out to lunch. Don’t laugh–remember “After-School Special”? When did you ever see a normal set of parents on that hit show?
Harry Potter, for instance, got to have his cake and eat it, too. His real parents, wonderful people, were dead. His foster parents were jidrools, and he ran rings around them. This way you get to honor your parents and make fools of them at the same time.
3. Lots and lots of blood ‘n’ guts. Go for the graphic. The bad guys in your stories, or anyone who happens to get in the kids’ way, don’t deserve to live, anyhow. Make internal organs external. Remember, if it ever evolves into a video game or a movie, there will be lots of screaming and many bodies flying all around the place.
4. Always include a dollop of soft-core paganism. Don’t go overboard and show your super-kids flaying human sacrifices to Xipe Totec and dancing around in the skins. But the pagan flavoring is indispensable! Especially if you want to wind up getting published by Scholastic. [Oops. Did I just kill my chances here? Oh, well…]
It doesn’t have to be all that subtle. I read one YA fantasy novel in which the super-girl was actually the niece of the pagan Philistine fish god, Dagon. Or your kid characters can acquire immortality. Or commune with Nature Spirits and get really good advice from them.
5. But whatever you do, avoid the real God! If you’ve efficiently packed your YA novel with pagan gods and goddesses, assorted “spiritual entities,” deathless vampires, and immortal teens who are really hot although they still have go to school and sit through algebra classes (can you imagine an eternity of that!), there will be no opening for the real God to get in.
6. Just don’t make it too obvious. You want to rope in the Christian parents who want their child to develop the habit of reading. These potential customers are not inclined to look too deeply into any book their children might enjoy. If you are reasonably discreet about your paganism, these Christian readers will never notice it.
And there you have it, boys and girls–now sit right down and write some truly awful YA fiction. Let’s see how far these ingredients can take you.
There is a professor at Covenant Theological Seminary who says the Harry Potter books are the best thing written in a century. He read the last one six times, and then read it backwards, he says. Wonder what kept him from reading it upside-down, inside-out, and sideways.
These are “some of the most beautiful books ever written,” exults Prof. Jerram Barrs. He insists they are the most profoundly Christian books around. We can’t see it. Maybe “Harry Potter” has a stealth theology. Maybe it doesn’t. But that’s not the point.
What we do see is a man who is paid to be a Christian teacher, in a world that is falling away from Christ and falling into moral meltdown, bending his knee to the popular culture. Maybe he believes in what he’s saying, but so what? To the anti-Christian world, and to the world of those who don’t know any better, his comments sound like “I surrender!”
Would you like to say a controversial thing? Try this:
“In all our dealings with non-believers, we Christians must never forget one thing—they’re wrong.”
When you say that, do you know who’s going to howl the loudest?
Yes—your fellow Christians will be horrified when you say unbelievers are wrong. Professor Barrs might have an apoplexy. “How dare you say that? How dare you even think it?”