Spotted on the bulletin board at the Fimbo College Social Justice Intersectional Boombatz Center: “work wanted” ads posted by students who were graduated in June and are now feeling the pinch.
SUPERHERO EXPERT! Your child may has what it takes To be a Superhero, but how would you know? Hire me to monnator your child for Superhero Tendoncies! Give me room and board and salary and I’ll do the rest!!
I CAN TEATCH YOU how to spot Micro-Aggressions! And who to call if you hear one! AND HOW TO WIND UP GETTING MONEY $$ OUT OF IT! Don’t let Them offend you any more!!
WORK WANTED: VIDDEO GAME TRAINER! I just spend four (4) years earning a Degree in Viddeo Game Strageties, and I CAN HELP YOUR SCORES GO UP, WAY UP! Beleave me, I’VE GOT GAME!! And you can have it too! Hire your own LIVE-IN GAMING COATCH!!
I WILL GIVE YOU TOTAL EMOTIONAL SUPPORT!! Nothing Studies Major, 6 year Associate Degree. TIRED OF GETTING NO RESPECT?? I WILL PRAIZE YOU ALL DAY EVERY DAY!! I am the One who will tell you how fantastic and amazing you are! Great for self-esteem! With me around, YOU WILL NEVER FEEL LIKE A LOSER AGAIN!! Salary negotiabble as long as it’s $1,000 at least.
There were more, but now I’m sitting in the eye doctor’s waiting room and can’t write anything else.
I jist fowned out Today that the Collidge “it” “is” “on” Sumer Vacasion!! Wy didnt noboddy Tell me??? No wunder my Class Roombs thay “are” emty Halff “the” time!!
A lott of the Stodents in Superheroe Studdies thay are “stilll” on Campas and i amb kinda jellice becose wen Thay gradurate thay wil reely “Be” Super Herose!!!! In facked “thay” are awlreddy Practising fore it,, thay are tryying On thare Cosstombs and runing aruond “all over” the Campas beeing Super Herose! That”s one “of” thare Prefessers up thare in The pixture!!!
In Nothing Studdies witch is My majer we are ownly lerning “how To” be nothings! That “is” wy I amb jellice!! I wish weed get Cosstombs tooo,, i wood lyke a Nothing Cosstomb!!!!!
I wood lyke to be the kinda Super Heroe whoo flys and locks up Evry Boddy whoo thay is Not “a” Socile Jutstice Worrier;: i wood lock themb Up “in” “a” Jale at the bottum “of The” ocian!!! i wood ware a red Cape whith a pixture of Chay “on” it!!! Butt i gotta saye Nothing Studdies it is moar Fun then Superheroe Studdies,, we whach Cartoons and maike “things” Out “of” Play–Doh!!!! And i am goood “at” It!!!!!!
Whell our Nothing Studies prefesser she layed a Big One on “us” tooday,, she teeched us “that” Hary Pottor he “is” Reel!!!!!
And That “is” wye wee hadded a In-Classt Assininemint to rite A “letter” to Hary Pottor askin himb To come And “use” his Magickle Paowers to maik Hillery be pressadint and we al sined It tooo!!! It was “a” Masterpeece! Hear i whil shoe “it” to yiu—
Deer Hary Pottor wood yiu Pleeze come hear to Our Collidge and do yore Magickle Paowers to chainge Evvrything and maike Hillery Roadhog Clintin ore pressadint Insted “of” “that” no-goood Evel Racist donold trumpt!!! And than wee al sined Our Naimes!!!
Nhow How “do” wee Know hary Pottor “he” is reel??? The prefesser teeched it “to” us!!! She sayed if Spydor Man and aslo Aqua Men and aslo Plague Man thay “are” al Reel than lodgick it sayes than Hary Pottor “he” has aslo got To Be reel tooo!!!! “Yiu cant ague whith That!! she” sayed. Whel somb dum idjit he “did” try to argeu so she Flunckted himb and sended himb “to” Sensortivatie Traning!!!!
Now we has to weigt till Our letter it “gets To” Hary Pottor his adress it “is” a Seacrit but the prefesser she Knows somboddy whoo knows it and thenn “he” “wil” comb hear and maik a Magickle Spel and maybe aslo iff i “ask” himb reel Nice he can do a Spell to maik these “hear” Jim Sox taste better, thay alyaws dont taste so Good in summbertime.!
I amb so hapy i chainged my Majer to Nothing Studdies! I been lerning A hole Lot “of” Interllectural Things hear at Collidge!! Hear “are” just a “few” “of” themb!!!
Ratoinal Thauhght it is Racist “and” yiu shuddnt do it No moar!!
“The” best weay to Start yore brabaqiue is “to” pore Gender Fluid on it! Ownly yiu shuddnt nevver eat No Meat yiu shuld ownly gryll Okrah or Collie Flower!!
Super Heeroes thay “are” reel!!
Donold Trumpt he is a Knotsy and he “stoled” “the” Elleckcion fromb Hillery!! him and The Russhins!
Famblies thay are Paytree Arcle and Seckxist and aslo no goood “and” thare shuddnt be No Famblies and we kneed fore Cangriss to maik themb “Aginst” The law!!!!!
Thare used “to” be Whorld Guvvermint but greeedie Captulists thay recked it and Invented al themb Countrees,, thay done it All sneeky-like wen No Boddy thay was looking and it was probbly the christins’s Fawlt!!! Wen thare was the Whorld Guvvermint evry Thing it was Perficked!!!!!!
Povverty it is coaused by Not enuohgh Gayze in charge “of” stufff!!!
Wett wood it burns “the” best!!!
And yiu know “waht is” the Grate Thing abote all this??? I reely knowed it all The time!!!! It is wunderfull “to” lern Things yiu allreddy know,, it hellps yiu pass “the” coarse!!!
An important message from Dr. Hugh Pestis, Ph. D., professor of Minority Superhero Gender Studies at Fimbo State College:
Greetings! As everyone but a Biggit or a Hater knows, human activity causes Climbit Change. But what everyone does not know is that all human activity contributes to Climbit Change. Unfortunately, that includes playing with Play-Doh.
Yes, even Play-Doh leaves a carbon footprint! Just rolling a little ball of it around in your hand is enough to strike some poor emu dead, halfway around the world from here.
As much as it pains me to say so, I have no alternative but to urgently warn each and every one of you to refrain from all activity of any kind! It’s the only way we can slow down galloping Global Warming before all the grass burns up and the all the water evaporates and everybody dies.