Tag: satire

Can AI Save Kamala?

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

When the polls look bad for SloJo, you can expect them to look even worse for Cacklin’ Kamala, his V.P. She spews inanities. She laughs when she’s the only one in the funeral parlor who thinks it’s funny. In her capacity as vice president, she has displayed a skill set that would embarrass a marionette.

So… the Democrats’ stable of experts now face the challenge of transforming her into a candidate who can get votes instead of incredulous open-mouthed stares.

The problem is easier than it looks, says our confidential source. “It’s been staring us in the face ever since that movie came out in 1975–The Stepford Wives,” says he. “You want an ideal wife? Fine! You get rid of the one you’ve got and the animatronics boys fix you up with an exact duplicate who won’t have any of the original’s faults or shortcomings. The kind of robots we could only imagine building, back then, are well within the scope of today’s technology! And I know that because Artificial Intelligence!”

In response to our questions, the source grinned slyly and said, “How do you know I’m not an AI-directed robot myself?” Good point. Besides which, we have devised a simple rule of thumb:

“If it still cackles, it’s still Kamala.”

Let AI Arrange Your Marriage!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

15 of the World's Strangest Flags - swaziland flag, funny flags - Oddee

The flag of Palookastan (Don’t ask…)

The People’s Republic of Palookastan likes to call itself “The Science Is Happening Place of All Central Asia.” And to prove it, they’ve passed a law that from now on, all marriages in Palookastan will be arranged by Artificial Intelligence.

President For Life Timoor Shakaleg laughed off some early glitches in the program. “These things happen!” he chortled, in between supervising firing squads. “A man in Jezhnivabad was told he had to marry the city’s founder, Lady Zoof, who died eight hundred years ago. And we had a woman in the mountains for whom is was arranged that she marry her wheelbarrow! So who said science has no sense of humor?”

Comrade Timoor found it slightly less than humorous when the robot directed him to marry his old nurse, Madame Pzessky, who used to make him eat bugs and told him The Blob was going to get him if he didn’t. “A thoroughly odious woman–I hate her!” he said. But moments later, “Well, science is science and we have to do what Science says! Even when we don’t understand it. Science is the only defense we have against Religion. So if Science says ‘Marry your old baggy pants,’ well, then, you marry your old baggy pants! But I regret to report that Madame Pzessky’s whereabouts are currently unknown.”

He has turned down an offer by Acme Robotics Inc. to replace Madame Pzessky with a convincing facsimile.

My Newswithviews Column, April 13 (‘A Peek Into 2100’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

57,008 Child Hiding Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

“There must be children somewhere! We’ve just got to find them.”

No one ever mentions this; but if enough children get their “gender reassigned,” the human race will blot itself out of existence. Except, of course, for elite globalist bigwigs who’ve had their so-called minds downloaded into really cool robots. But they weren’t going to have any children anyway.

Cryptozoology to the rescue!

A Peek Into 2100

Someday we might be in pretty desperate straits, having rendered way too many children permanently sterile. What are we going to say? “It seemed like a good idea at the time”? But we are unlikely to have any posterity to say it to.

‘How About Just “Some” Religious Freedom?’ (2015)

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261 Church Barbed Wire Stock Photos - Free & Royalty-Free Stock Photos from Dreamstime

It’s not to keep freedom out. It’s to keep freedom in.

How about it, boys ‘n’ girls (see–only two genders, no matter what Democrats say)? Have you grown any comfier with the idea of speech and religious freedom confined to named zones designated by the government? Heck, if you’re in college, you’re totally used to it by now.

How About Just ‘Some’ Religious Freedom?

Get it through your heads, everybody. Libs and progs will not stop until they’ve turned our country into a Third World hell-hole. That is what they want. We don’t know why they want it. Who can read such depraved minds?

Blatantly unconstitutional… and they totally get away with it.

My Newswithviews Column, March 16 (‘Mount Blushmore’)

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2,850 Mount Rushmore Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock | Presidents day, Statue of liberty, South dakota

While we still have some mountains left, how can we go on without a Mount Rushmore-type monument to the progressives who are making America what it is today?

Far Left Monument: ‘Mount Blushmore’

And as long as our government is giving out rewards and honors to people who don’t even live here–like the tranny in Argentina who got a Women of Courage Award–any monuments we build from now on should have no bias toward America.

With this in mind… Mount Blushmore’s time has surely come.

Oh, No! A Preposition Shortage!

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Commonly Confused Prepositions—In/Into, On/Onto, Between/Among Trinka

The Biden administration is taking firm steps to prevent Western Europe’s damaging preposition shortage from spilling over into the United States.

The preposition shortage is caused by Transphobia, scientists say. Note the illustration above, in which “expect” is offered to us as a preposition in place of “except.” The confusion is increasing!

“We are not going to let this happen here,” said Dr. Imshi Bowwow, recently appointed preposition czar. “If we have to, we’ll make up new prepositions to fill the void left by the others. For instance, if you can’t say ‘Ze is in that room’ because ‘in’ has suddenly dropped out of the language, you can still say ‘Ze zum that room.’

“And if that doesn’t work, we may have to sacrifice a noun or an adverb–whatever it takes! Like, man, we’re already in deep trouble with our pronouns! But it’s not without a silver lining. If people can’t talk, they can’t say bad things!”

And there’s always pantomiming as a last resort, they added. Note the “they.”

So far, Finland has been the country hardest hit. In, at, of, and with are rapidly disappearing from the language. “But at least they’ve got a transgender figure skater!” Dr. Bowwow said. “Maybe the trade-off is worth it.”

(P.S.–They’ve also spelled “across” as “accross.”)

Our Stupid State Dept.

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

71,119 Fancy Letters Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Sheesh, look at all them freakin’ serifs! You could go blind…

Europe’s on fire with war, Red China wants to invade Taiwan, Brazil’s been taken over by a communist… but our State Dept. has its priorities in order!

They’ve just announced they’re going to change the type font on all official State Dept. documents (https://www.entrepreneur.com/business-news/the-us-state-department-is-canceling-times-new-roman-font/443211). No more “Times New Roman”! It’s got serifs in it. Fooey! It ain’t “accessible” to persons with certain disabilities.

So they’re gonna go with Calibri instead, which has no serifs. Those blasted serifs–

Wait! Stop! News Flash! This Just In: 

“The biggest disability of them all is illiteracy,” says former mental patient Sandy Palooka, now a deputy Secretary of State. “So from now on, no official State Dept. documents at all will be printed! There’s an old saying at the FBI, ‘If you don’t write it down, they don’t got a case.’ Well, that’s a very wise saying and we’re taking it to heart–nothing in writing! Hey, whatever font you use, it don’t matter if somebody they can’t read at all. And if there’s just one person who can’t read, that’s one too many!”

 

Dems: Lower Voting Age to 4!

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Voting for the Future Generation - New Darlings

If only the cacti could vote!

“I’ve learned my lesson!” says former Squeaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “We lost that bill to lower the voting age to 16 simply because it didn’t go far enough. I see that now! So we’re coming back with a new bill to lower the voting age to four.”

Pelosi chose not to comment on rumors that party leaders had to quash a movement to expand the voting franchises to include plants and animals. “Of course we would have liked to see cacti voting Democrat in Arizona,” she said. “But before we can do that, we really must see about granting voting rights to citizens of other countries than ours. After all, we’re all on the same planet!”

Special poll watchers will help the 4-year-olds vote, leading them by the hand to the voting machines and showing them which buttons to press. A successful vote will earn the gift of a lollipop.

To make it easier for very young children, the new voting machines will have only Democrat buttons.

“This is the kind of thing that makes America unique!” Pelosi said.

‘My Poetical Slip Is Showing’ (2015)

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13 T s eliot Images: PICRYL Public Domain Search

We can all be just like T.S. Eliot!

It’s grey and wet and dreary again today–waddaya say to some poetry? Note I did not say “pottery.” We’re very careful about language around here!

My Poetical Slip is Showing

Political poetry has a long tradition in America, but you’d never know it from the grey and wet and dreary politics we have today.

Please, readers, feel free to share some of your own efforts at political poetry. The art needs updating.

‘Terrorists’ Don’t Go To His Movies

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Keep Your Cool During 'Short Fuse Summer' | Contracting Business

Actor William Boghopper has cut loose against the movie-going public, branding as “terrorists” everyone who purposely failed to attend his latest effort, Juliet and Romeo: Non-Binary Is Better. That film cost a reported $180 million and change; but it has only earned some $14,000 in the twelve weeks since its release.

Boghopper (above) plays a superannuated “Romeo” who thinks he could also be “Juliet” if given half a chance.

“People stayed away from this great film because they’re terrorists and haters,” said the star. “They’re the Taliban! They’re Al-Qaeda! Except the Taliban and Al-Qaeda are nicer. They deserve long prison sentences! No matter how you slice it, Hate is against the law.

“I like the way China’s handled it,” he said. “There, you must go see the movie or you won’t be allowed to buy food.” Figures from China suggest that even with that penalty, people still refuse to watch Juliet and Romeo. “We’d rather starve to death!” said a disgruntled moviegoer in Belle Mead, New Jersey.

“I’ll get them all!” growled Boghopper. He didn’t say how.