Category: satire

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 13

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 21st through 27th ...

G’day, everybody! Are you settling into the new year? Are you looking for some great TV? Byron the Quokka here to help you find it. Like so:

6:42 P.M.  Ch. 08  THE BANNED BAND–Variety, music

When was the last time you heard The Toilet Fixtures sing The Curse of an Aching Coccyx? Or Chucky Shooboo and Windex performing I’ve Got Hives in Hard-to-Get-At Places? Check it out! Your Host: A man with an uncanny resemblance to a poached egg.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 15  NEWS WITH GOGGLES–(Exactly what it sounds like)

If you’re one of those viewers who always thought news shows would be much, much better if everyone on screen wore goggles–well, your ship has come in! From anchorwoman Kathy Frogface down to the poor sod who has to plug in the overhead mike, they’re all in goggles! Even the sponsors.

7 P.M.  Ch. 34  UNEXPLAINED MYSTERIES THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT–Ideal for hospital patients too weak to change channels

Have you ever wondered why there are no oceans on land? Or how come there are no fairies in Balmy Beach, Kansas? They couldn’t get Leonard Nimoy, but your host, Sid Pankovitz, looks enough like Nimoy to be his third cousin once removed. How about that? Another unexplained mystery!

7:10 P.M.  Ch. 52  MOVIE–Rip-roaring Western with hand puppets

Mao Tse-tung’s hairdresser used all his influence to get this 220-minute hand-puppet Western made in 1966… only to be executed after the critics roasted it. Features the voices of various Chinese celebrities completely unknown to Western audiences! Plus musical themes stolen from American TV Westerns like The Rifleman, Rawhide, and A Midsummer Night’s Dream. The remake is said to include a plot, but we don’t believe it.

Is that enough to get you started, folks? I’m gonna watch ’em all!

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Grab some leaves and we’re good to go! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Razing Munny ‘Foar” Hunterbydin!!!

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Haow grate “is” This?! Heer “at” Collidge our Stodint Soviet we “Are” has a Bayk Sail to raze munny to de-fent Hunterbydin frumb being Perpsicuted by themb Hater Biggits in congriss!!!

And gesswaht!!!! We has got “a” Jenyuwyne Paynting by Hunterbydin hisself!! And that thare “Is” The Pixture rite up thare!!!! He paynted It spatially foar us so’s we cood Sell It!!!!! Ordrinairly this here pixture It wood “sell” foar $250 thowsind bux!!!!!!! So we whill has to Sell A Lot “of” Pot Brownys so we Can bye The Pixture “and” hang It in Our Stoodint Senter!!!!!! And evvry boddy heer thay whil has To say waht A Grate Pixture it is,, oar elsse!!!!!!!

Yiu can tawkabuot Van Go and Roobins and Pickasso but thare aint Nun “Of” Themb can tutch Hunterbydin foar Art!!! That thare Pixture “it maikes” me wont To Crye wen I cee it,, it Is so Byutafull!!!!!! Wurth evvry Penn”y”!”!”

Soa Far we “has” razed One Dolor and 34 scents!!!!!!!

Lady Margo’s Childhood Sweetheart (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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As fate would have it, the Royal Millipede Inspector is Lady Margo Cargo’s childhood sweetheart. He was hard to find because, through years of disuse, he has forgotten his name. Queen Victoria addresses him as “Hey, you!”

“This is crucial to the development of the plot,” explains our author, Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense. She does not explain how it’s crucial, nor are we at all sure, anymore, what the plot of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, is. Is this really Chapter DCLXXXXI?

Anyway, it’s been 48 years since Lady Margo last laid eyes on the dashing figure of a man who was to become the Royal Millipede Inspector and now looks something like a millipede himself.

Ms. Crepuscular digresses: “Ain’t life funny? They could’ve been happy together! The guy was all lined up to be a Navy officer when he got sidetracked into millipedes. And now he don’t even know his own name!” [We cannot account for the author’s grammatical lapses–The Editor.]

The publisher, we have heard, is offering a handsome prize to anyone who can take Oy, Rodney off his hands

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 6

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A Review of the 1973 TV Guide Fall Preview Issue | Cavalcade ...

Happy New Year, everybody! Byron the Quokka here–and if our Quokka University TV this weekend isn’t better than those shows in TV Guide, I’ll eat your hat!

A brief sampling:

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 09  THE EVIL FAMILY OF LUNATICS–Dark melodrama

Meet the Crackpot Family (Jackie Gleason, Susan Sontag, Mel Gibson, Sally Struthers, and Alvin the Octopus)–thieves, frauds, and (we blush to say it) cannibals! Tonight: The Crackpots ambush a wagon train led by a man who thinks he’s Achilles (Soupy Sales). Special guest star: Pat Sajak from “Wheel of Fortune.”

Ch. 14   MI TIO ESTA ENFERMO–A challenge to viewers

Never mind the Spanish title, which means “My uncle is sick.” In this series, every character speaks a different language and no one understands anybody else. “May be the worst TV show ever!” writes a famous critic who doesn’t want anyone to know he watches this garbage. Wait’ll you hear Ricardo Montalban trying to speak Hawaiian.

5 P.M.  Ch. 03   NEBBISH NEWS–For pitiful, ineffectual nobodies

“There are more of us out there than you thought!” is anchorwoman Marcie Pangolin’s motto. News stories specially selected for timid, submissive, downtrodden schmoes. Tonight: Sports teams that refuse to try to win. Reported by some very shy person who will not give his name or appear on camera.

5:07 P.M.  Ch. 89  MOVIE–Murder mystery with lizards

Nobody Home in Bubo’s House (Austro-Hungarian, 1966; 940 minutes) stars persons drafted off the street, plus Tab Hunter as the maniacal Dr. Skwitt, who has trained small lizards to terrorize the city of Prague. Notable for being the only movie that Sen. Jacob Javits ever appeared in, and that by accident. And he split his pants, too.

Well now, folks, you can’t go far wrong with any one of these shows; and there are, of course, many more. Load up on snacks!

Adorable Quokka enjoying a leafy snack

The blue tag is pretty tasty, too; but you’re better off sticking to leaves.

We Wil ALL Be Smart!!!!

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Waht a grate Start “to the” Yeer!!! Our Nothing Studdies prefesser he “is” selling Smart Pills!! that wil maik yiu Smart!!!

Insyde eech caspule There Is “a” teeny tiny little Brane,, yiu caint harrdleigh See “it”, it’s so smawl–But!!!!!! Afftur yiu swallers It, yore blud streemb carrys It up into Yore Hedd and thare it whil Expland “to” full syze!!!!!!! How Grate “is” that??

At frist I thinked “Geee if this heer Pill  it can maik “yiu” smart, then wattawe need “To Go” to clases ennymoar??? But yiu cant Say “things lyke” that,, it wood Be hat speach!

Nhow theeze heer Pills thay “Are” ex-prensift, amlost 75 Sents a-pop! One of the stoodints he eated one and he got Mad “and” sayed “Dambit this “heer” it taists Lyke a rabit Turd!!” but the proph he jist Smyled “and” said “Sea, yiu Are geting Smarter awlreddy!”””

He aslo sedd “Foar thoze Of yiu whoo awlreddy has tyny mycro-Scope Branes, it is stil OK to “taik Smart pills,, “yiu kneed awl The Brane Pauwer yiu Can Gett!”!”!”

‘Beware Fake False Facts!’ (2019)

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Image result for images of gerbils

Fake or genuine? “Gerbils evolved from birds.”

It started a few years ago, with some outfit named “Oobatz” trying to horn in on Acme False Facts’ domination of the false facts market.

Beware Fake False Facts!

Well, it’s only gotten worse–because now we’ve got the government involved.

In an underwater press conference, the CEO of Acme False Facts Inc. lamented, “One expects a certain level of background lying from the government. No one bothers to mention it. But lately it’s gotten so bad, we just can’t compete. Oobatz, come back, all is forgiven!”

Not that the government’s the only one trying to grab a big chunk of the market. There’s also the nooze media. “The Washington Post captured an army of our customers,” said Acme’s CEO, “with that story about Donald Trump owning slaves.”

 

New Year’s in Scurveyshire (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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We have had to consult Ms. Crepuscular’s notes for this chapter; we have but the bare bones of an outline. She is busy making toothpaste-filled cupcakes for Mr. Pitfall’s New Year’s party. Imagine being at a party with Violet Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense.

“Like it or not,” she writes, introducing an un-numbered chapter (really, Violet!) of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, “Scurveyshire is a rural backwater pretty much shunned by the rest of Victorian England. Why, just ten years ago, they still had a watch-tower with a watchman keeping an eye out for vikings. And every now and then, he’d see one!”

Using the calendar invented by Dr. Parasol before they hanged him for practicing witchcraft without a license, today is New Year’s Day in Scurveyshire… so you probably missed their New Year’s Eve, which was last night instead of tonight. Those people of Scurveyshire who are not addled by the calendar celebrate the holiday with some unusual customs and traditions.

*The Giant Gnome. This commemorates… well, I don’t know! They trot out this huge effigy of a gnome, somewhat the worse for wear, and make rude noises at it.

*The Bad Penny. Children frantically pass this coin from one to another–whoever has it when Sir Alfred (who he was is not recorded) appears, has to live in the village graveyard for the next three months.

*“Winjee-winjee!” celebrates Scurveyshire’s role in the history of unsuccessful piracy.

*Grog O’ My Heart” is sung precisely at midnight by drunken revelers in the village streets. Anyone caught lurking indoors is sold into slavery.

“As you can see,” Ms. Crepuscular would conclude if she were writing this, “there’s a lot to be said for living in a rural backwater where quaint customs still prevail!”

 

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 30

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September 15 21 1990 TV Guide Special Issue Fall Preview - Etsy Denmark

G’day, next-to-the-last day of the year! Byron the Quokka here, with this year’s last batch of fabulous weekend TV brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a few samples.

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 09   ‘ARE WE IDIOTS?’–Panel Discussion

We’ve been waiting all year for this! Prominent newsmakers wrestle with the most important question of all–“Are we idiots?” Moderator: A very large dog with sharp teeth. Tonight’s panel: Chuck Schumer, William H. Frogg, Nancy Pelosi, Ellen Melon. They all say “No!”, but you know how they lie.

Ch. 12  SCIENCE MARCHES ON!–Sort of a documentary

Which breakthrough will come first? Teaching dogs to operate heavy machinery, or finding a use for a bachelor’s degree in Gender Studies? Expert interviews with the guy who parks your car for you, and the June Taylor Dancers.

5 P.M.  Ch. 23   HERCULES’ KITCHEN–Indescribable 

What would you get if you mixed old Steve Reeves movies with a modern cooking show and had it all put together by people who don’t communicate with each other? Let’s face it–when a Cyclops invades your kitchen, you’d better hope Hercules is there! Zeus: Andy Devine. Hera: Sandy Duncan. Embocles the Coccyx Doctor: Raymond Burr.

Ch. 41   MOVIE–Torn from the headlines

Arlene Schlubb and Jimmy Headlong are star-crossed lovers in You Can’t Get Married Without Green Stamps (Independent Serbian Film Corp., 1998; 656 minutes). This is the movie Alfred Hitchcock denied having had anything to do with! In fact, the actual director is still not known; it seems the Screen Actors Guild put out a contact on him. Guest star: Sybil Bibble. Music by General Mills.

Well, boys ‘n’ girls, that’ll just about do it for 2023! I’m here to tell you, BTW, that anything with Sybil Bibble in it is pure gold. If you’ve ever seen that commercial she did for Basque Country Turtle Food, you’ll know what I mean.

quokka turtle hybrid, bold natural colors, national | Stable ...

Don’t worry–I don’t eat enough Basque Country for this to happen.

Byron the Quokka signing off: see yiz next year!

I Amb Studdying Gr’a’te Litterture!!!

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I cant Harddly weight till neckst Smester!!! We are goingto “studdy” Litterairy Classicks!!!! It is parrt “of” my Souper Hero Studdies!!!!

And that it “is a” Goood Thing becose It Is awl Comick Boocks!!!!!! How grate is that?? Ownly Racists and Haters reed themb boocks “with” no pixtures And harrd cuvvers!!!! Sumb day thare woont “be” no moar boock boocks but ownly Comick Boocks!!! Awl full Of Souper Heroes! who are Trans “and Noun-Bynary and Gay!! This heer it “is Reel Litterture!!!!!!

And Best of Awl,, at “the” end of the Coarse we whil awl “get to” Be Our Own Souper Heroes “whith” cosstombs and awl!!!!!! and we whil has Paowers!!! No one ennymoar whil Dair! miss-ginder ennyboddy,, we Are goingto “Cleen Up The Kampis!!!!!!! Fromb naow on yiu beter be Dyversse Oar Elsse!!!!!

Hay,, I beter stort Thincking abuout watt kyned Of Souper Hero I whil be “and” watt kyned Of Cosstomb I whil “wair” and watt kyned Of spatial paower I whil has!!!!!!!! Awl themb ordrinary dum peeple thay “have” beter whach Out!!!!

Special Bonus Treat! The Lost ‘Oy, Rodney’ Episode

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(Who said “Shoulda stayed lost!”?)

Ha, ha, I got most of our Christmas stuff done over the last three days, so today I can rest! I might as well; I’m really tired.

But–! Here’s the episode of Oy, Rodney that had critics’ pants in a knot.

Bonus ‘Oy, Rodney’ Episode

Some deny that Violet Crepuscular ever wrote this. She does not deny it. “I’m the Queen of Suspense! I don’t have to remember things!” she exfoliates.

[This is as far as I go today, amigos. I am pooped. We’ll have our cyber-party here tomorrow, and you’re all invited. Bring incredibly expensive snacks!]