‘The New, Expensive Bridge–Oops!’ (2018)

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Gee! Our brand-new bridge that cost a billion dollars turned out to be too steep to drive in icy weather. Coulda knocked us over with a feather!

The New, Expensive Bridge–Oops!

In these days of intoxicating talk of spending trillions of dollars on “infrastructure”–a word meaning “anything”–we can wonder how many of these projects will turn out to be a total waste of time and money. You know–bridges that you can’t cross if there’s winter weather going on, that sort of thing.

Didn’t Obama or someone promise there’d be no more winter if we gave the government all our money?

The Division of Happy Funny-Ness?

The Economist on Twitter: "America's government wastes a heck of a lot of  money http://t.co/V9sFd1WzYv http://t.co/jDmNsydwmH"

Buried in the $3.5 trillion spending package that Democrats have been trying to move through Congress, we find $175 billion allocated for creating, within the Dept. of Justice, a new Division of Happy Funny-Ness charged with keeping America amused by jokes and riddles.

The division will be headed and staffed by members of a little-known branch of the Biden family, the Xi Jin Pings. Assistant Deputy Vice-Director Boo-Boo Biden has already composed several riddles for public distribution. Here are two examples.

Q: Why wasn’t the cowboy hungry?

A: Because he just ate.

And if you think that was a rolling-on-the-floor knee-slapper, get a load of this one–

Q: What’s the difference between an elephant and something else? (This one doesn’t have an Answer yet. We presume Boo-Boo is still researching it.)

According to CNN News, all opposition to any aspect of the spending bill is racist and should be investigated by the FBI as soon as that agency can take time off from investigating parents who complain about their public schools’ curriculum.

‘Centaur Escapes from Government Raptor Facility’ (2014)

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Remember what a scandal this was? Remember how upset the IRS was, when it came out that the budget for their raptor-breeding facility as only about half the size of Harvard University’s?

Centaur Escapes from Government Raptor Facility

They never did catch the centaur who got away. He melted effortlessly into the general population. As for the raptor farm, so far all efforts to shut it down have been overturned by a federal judge appointed by President *Batteries Not Included.

Every now and then one escapes and eats people.

 

‘Why Man Cannot Be God (Reason No. 214,989,112)’ (2016)

Even geniuses sometimes come up with ideas that would hardly do credit to a monkey.

Robert Fulton invented the steamship, revolutionizing transportation. But he also came up with this turkey–and spent half a million tax dollars, a staggering sum in 1814, to do it.

Why Man Cannot Be God (Reason No. 214,989,112 )

Let’s see if I can get you a picture of this baby.

That tiny little thing in the middle is the paddle wheel. There is no steering gear. You’d think at least someone would have noticed these defects, somewhere along the way. Maybe no one dared say anything.

They actually built this floating funhouse.

Then there was the Soviet “land battleship,” but that’s another story.

‘So You Want to Give More Power to the Government?’ (2015)

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If you go on a diet that’s supposed to make you lose weight, and instead of losing weight, you just keep getting fatter and fatter…. do you stay on that diet?

So You Want to Give More Power to the Government?

Of course you wouldn’t. Why, then, do we keep on giving more and more power to a government that doesn’t know what to do with the power it already has?”Let us Save The Planet!”

No way, sunshine.

Oops… $5 Billion Up the Spout

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The little engine that couldn’t

California Gov. Gavin Newsom has canceled his state’s infamous “high-speed rail” project, saying it would cost too much (ya think?) and take too long (https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2019/02/12/california-governor-gavin-newsom-cancels-high-speed-rail-would-cost-too-much-and-take-too-long/).

In 2008 this pipe dream was born, and nursed by then-governor Jerry Brown, as the answer to California’s perceived overuse of the car. The original estimated cost of creating a “bullet train” linking San Francisco and Los Angeles: $37 billion.

By now they’ve already spent $5 billion, with nothing to show for it, the estimated cost has swollen to $77 billion–maybe as high as $100 billion, some say–and could not be finished earlier than 2033.

California also ran into a problem when a lot of the people in really expensive neighborhoods, who initially voted for the project, discovered the train would run through their own vicinity. So they changed their minds about it in a hurry, and opposed it. This phenomenon has its own acronym, NIMBY–“Not In My Back Yard.” Somehow their own cherished Green New Deal project totally lost its appeal for them.

The $5 billion is spent and gone. It cannot and will not be recovered.

Big Government–it trashes everything it touches.

Jury Duty–for the Dead

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The never-ending cascade of paperwork regarding Aunt Joan today featured [trumpet fanfare] a summons to jury duty.

Joan died in April. If she were still alive, she’d be 91 years old.

Maybe they could set up a ouija board in the jury box and get her input that way.

Heck, if she were a registered Democrat, she would surely be voting in November.

“I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you”–not.

Kumquat Alert! (‘State Goes Ballistic,’ 2016)

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Remember this? The North Carolina Dept. of Motor Vehicles freaks out over a license plate that says “kumquats.” Apparently some ijjit complained that “kumquat” is Racist or something. Maybe it’s coded language for Climbit Change Denial.

https://leeduigon.com/2016/09/13/state-dmv-goes-ballistic-over-kumquat-license-plate/

At the very least it’s Cultural Appropriation. I think.

‘Do Centaurs Speak Esperanto?’ (2014)

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Back when I wrote this harmless little satire, that’s all it was. Real life has had four years to catch up to it, and I’m afraid they’re almost neck and neck by now.

https://leeduigon.com/2014/06/16/do-centaurs-speak-esperanto/

Some Thoughts on Cats and Cucumbers

Why are so many cats so scared of cucumbers? It ought to be investigated, and here are some of the questions that should be asked.

Would the cat be startled by any object that you surreptitiously placed behind him while he was eating, or is it just cucumbers?

Would she be afraid of the cucumber if you first called it to her attention while still holding it, and then put it down where she could see it?

Do objects that look like cucumbers produce a strong reaction?

Are the cats who are startled by cucumbers easily startled in other circumstances?

Whatever you do, don’t contact your Congressman and ask him to get the government to fund a study of cats being scared of cucumbers. He will only wonder, while hastening to spend the money, why he didn’t think of that before.