In an announcement that has rocked that part of the scientific world that concerns itself with centaurs, Dr. Hobart Dogbed, Professor of Comparative Gender Studies at Jidrool University, has solved the mystery of centaur evolution.
“I laugh when I think of how long it took us to work this out,” he said, “but it’s obvious, isn’t it? Centaurs evolved from special apes!”
The thing that was special about these apes was that they were half ape and half horse. Dr. Dogbed calls them Ape-taurs.
Although no fossil remains of any Ape-taurs have been found, Dr. Dogbed defends his theory as “the only one possible. Only racists and Anti-Science fascist biggits would deny it. Since when do we have to show fossils of any of this stuff?”
The Ape-taurs, he said, lived in what is now the Bellyup Nature Preserve “somewhere in Africa” and lived in perfect harmony with all other species. “It was only when the top half started to evolve into a human that centaurs began to get a reputation as troublemakers,” he said. “But that’s what always happens when apes evolve into humans.”
Dr. Dogbed is also an associate professor of Superhero Studies somewhere in Africa.
Mrs. Sondra Wrzjbrsky of Parts Unknown, Nebraska, has written to warn me off writing about centaurs. Actually, with this keyboard, it’s surprising I can write about anything.
“It will not be tolerated,” wrote Mrs. W. “Centaurs are not without influence in high places. If you want to find out how a loaf of bread feels when you run over it with a car, just keep right on doing what you’re doing, mister.”
Mrs. Wrzjbrsky also objects of the non-inclusion of centaurs in my novels. “You’ll be up on hate speech charges. Mark my words!”
Enough. Tomorrow I have to search for a data recovery shop in hopes of recovering the data from my failed computer. This is complicated by being unable to print out directions to the place. I won’t have time to worry about offending centaurs.
This just in!
Bunion Township police were at first incredulous when a woman sobbed out a tale of “some kind of horse thing with a beard” snatched her purse and “galloped, I tell you” into the dense forest lining both sides of Popocatapetl Road. But when the construction of an Indenti-Kit picture yielded the image of a centaur, they had to take the story seriously.
It is not known what the centaur will do with the woman’s purse. Meanwhile, interviews with residents have confirmed that there is a half-man, half-horse thingy living in the area. “I come out one morning and he was using my trampoline,” a man reported.
At first skeptical of the reports, Mayor Alphonse Testacol has just announced a $15.00 reward to the first person who can provide video of the centaur.
“It could get tricky,” said Police Chief Warren Peece, “if the centaur disguises itself with makeup from the purse.”
The coverup is over! Centaurs are real, and the government cannot control them.
A centaur skeleton has escaped from a secret facility operated by the U.S. Secret Facilities Agency, according to reports by Clickbait. The skeleton escaped by pretending to be a skeleton. While custodians were counting the flesh-and-blood centaurs, the skeleton slipped out via the fire escape.
There is no cause for alarm, stated William “Boffo” Paczynski, mayor of Pleurisy City, Kentucky. His comment led to speculation that the secret facility is located in or near his town.
Persons catching sight of the fleeing centaur skeleton are advised to shut up about it.
A reader who wishes his identity protected at all costs arranged for this video to be smuggled out of a university’s gender research facility. “If they know it was me who gave you this, I’m toast,” he says. Well, Dr. Gesundheit, your secret’s safe with us!
The video, it is claimed–by who? search me–is proof positive that centaurs, like humans, are sometimes transgendered. “You’ll see that for yourself if you watch carefully,” said Name Withheld. “This is a blockbuster discovery–on a par with discovering a Blockbuster Video store still open. It just blows away everything we thought we knew about centaurs.”
See? See? Toldja, toldja! Centaurs are real! Look at this picture–centaurs can even get married, just like human beans! They can even have trendy beach weddings.
Joe Collidge assures us that this picture was not photo-shopped, but was, in fact, taken by “a reel Interllectural.” That means it’s true.
(As you can see, I’m shunning the news as a way of observing the Sabbath.)
Well fry my hide! Not only are centaurs real, but they even got one to do an Old Spice commercial! And somehow this eluded the attention of serious philosophers all over the world–hah!
Maybe there are commercials that reveal other hidden truths that They don’t want you to know about. Like maybe there really was, at least at one time, a little tiny guy who sailed his little tiny boat inside a toilet bowl. Or, for that matter, a jolly green giant taller than an office building! Maybe!
Proof that Man-Made Anthropogenic Oh-Boy Climate Change is real, real, real:
Half a dozen people in a certain town–which must not be identified for fear that Biggits and Haters will show up there–and come to think of it, those people must not be identified, either–well, anyhow, just last night, they saw a centaur dash right across the main street of their town.
The source of this news report must not be identified in case the Climate Change Deniers should hassle them.
A prominent Scientist, identity withheld to protect him from a Vast Right-wing Conspiracy, said “Because centaurs are caused by Climate Change, Income Inequality, and Microaggression, and the problem can only be solved by giving absolute power to government agencies staffed by unelected bureaucrats, you’re going to see a lot more centaurs before the whole planet suddenly boils over just because you ignorant anti-Science ijjits out there were too cheap to pay a whopping great Carbon Tax.”
It is reported that the centaur ran right across the street in full few of half a dozen patrons coming out of a tavern at closing time, turned and made a rude noise at them, and then disappeared into an alley.
“It’ll be the Loch Ness Monster next,” remarked the unidentified Scientist. “Mark my words.”
Don’t you love it? They show you all these pictures of the jackalope, and then they say there’s no such thing!
Everybody knows there’s a conspiracy to cover up the existence of the jackalope.
Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us there are no centaurs, either.
When everybody knows that centaurism is caused by Global Warming.