‘A Stupid Movie for Stupid Dullards’ (2018)

“Hey, boss, I got an idea! Let’s make a movie updating those Bee-Trish Whatsit stories!”

“Sounds good! What could do Peter Rat, I think it’s called. That’s the most famous one.”

A Stupid Movie for Stupid Dullards

I suppose we can be thankful that Sony Pictures didn’t get this idea in 2023. Then the movie would’ve been full of transgender rabbits and drag queen farmers.

Not that the movie was any kind of success. Someday there will be no evidence that it ever existed.

But Hollywood and Disney and Marvel and the rest of ’em will never run out of appallingly stupid ideas for movies.

‘Gay Superhero’ Movie Bombs

Electric Movie Quotes From Shazam! Fury Of the Gods

What do we have to do to make it stop?

Words can hardly express how sick I am of movies inspired by freaking comic books. Not that I watch them. Just reading about them is bad enough. What do you say of a population that never outgrows comic books?

DC Comics, with behind-the-scenes backing by Warner Bros., has come out with a “Shazam 2” sequel featuring a “gay superhero” named Pedro (https://www.westernjournal.com/dcs-gay-superhero-film-bombs-box-office-hollywood-running-excuses/). His Hispanic name indicates he’s a twofer.

The movie boasts “an incredible representation of ethnicity across the boards,” babbles the star.

Question! How do we know Pedro is “gay”? Does he announce it repeatedly? Does he wear a feather boa? Do we see him romancing another guy? Like, how many ways can they find to make this disgusting?

And I’m sure that incredible representation of ethnicity will just pack ’em in. You’re gonna need a bigger theater, boss.

Oops! What’s this? “Shazam 2” is a box office bomb? Holy moly, who would’ve thought it?

It’s good news that this monstrosity flopped; but bad news that it was made at all.

‘Terrorists’ Don’t Go To His Movies

Keep Your Cool During 'Short Fuse Summer' | Contracting Business

Actor William Boghopper has cut loose against the movie-going public, branding as “terrorists” everyone who purposely failed to attend his latest effort, Juliet and Romeo: Non-Binary Is Better. That film cost a reported $180 million and change; but it has only earned some $14,000 in the twelve weeks since its release.

Boghopper (above) plays a superannuated “Romeo” who thinks he could also be “Juliet” if given half a chance.

“People stayed away from this great film because they’re terrorists and haters,” said the star. “They’re the Taliban! They’re Al-Qaeda! Except the Taliban and Al-Qaeda are nicer. They deserve long prison sentences! No matter how you slice it, Hate is against the law.

“I like the way China’s handled it,” he said. “There, you must go see the movie or you won’t be allowed to buy food.” Figures from China suggest that even with that penalty, people still refuse to watch Juliet and Romeo. “We’d rather starve to death!” said a disgruntled moviegoer in Belle Mead, New Jersey.

“I’ll get them all!” growled Boghopper. He didn’t say how.

Another $70 Million Down the Drain

Warner Bros. DC 'Batgirl' Movie Officially Canceled | The Mary Sue

New definition of “countless”: the number of movies made from comic books

Warner Bros. has shelved what they’re calling an “unspeakable” Batgirl movie, won’t even release it as streaming video, let alone show it in theaters–in short, nobody will see it (https://nypost.com/2022/08/02/batgirl-movie-gets-shelved-by-warner-bros-source/).

They’re admitting to a $70 million cost, but some sources say it was closer to $100 million. And that’s before having to pay for publicity, distribution, etc., etc.

It was a cooperative venture between Warner Bros. and DC Comics–yeah, they’re still making $100 million comic book movies, they think we all stop developing at 12 years old. But DC’s “Extended Universe” project (whatever that is–why would I know?) is going belly-up and it looks like Warner Bros. has decided to cut its losses while the cutting is good.

Gee… How bad does a movie have to be for its own company to call it “unspeakable”? We could have something truly unique here. I almost want to see it! I mean, can anything really be that awful?

Probably a question that we shouldn’t ask.

Today’s Garbage Will Be Tomorrow’s Classic, (He Babbled Idiotically)

Susan saw an ad for this brand-new Dreamworks movie, Trolls World Tour, and just had to tell me about it. So I watched this trailer. Zacherly always said the trailers weren’t as painful as the movies.

This appears to be a ham-fisted preachy story of Diversity as an end in itself, “different is better,” and somehow they left out a Drag Queen Story Hour. The trolls have six different kinds of music for six different kinds of trolls–that doesn’t really sound all that diverse, does it?–and the bad-guy Rock Troll says “I’m gonna destroy all music except for rock” so the good-guy Trolls have to stop this from happening and I think I’m going to be sick.

And it’s all this cheesy animated stuff, no live actors on the screen, celebrity voice-overs, and I’m sure it makes kids dumber when they see it. Most of the stuff in our pop culture makes you dumber.

Why do we keep making movies like this? Can’t you just read your children Freddy Goes to Florida? Or just, like, tell them a story that you make up as you go along? Do they really have to watch these phony movies?

Yeahbut, yeahbut! You just turn on the movie and your kids are out of your hair for an hour!

My mother could have let television raise her children. I’m mighty glad she didn’t.

Joe Collidge: Movie Review

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I seen a reely Grate movy last “nihght” thay showed it to us “in” Nothing Studies and i didnt get the Tital it was in Chineese but anyhow “it” was ether a Brittish movy or Check i dont “know,, i get themb two contries mixted up sombtimes!!

It was al abote Climbit Chainge maiking “the” whorld come to a end and this evel pressadint he was like Donold Trumpt,, he ownly whanted Evryboddy to Die!!! so he culd maik a prophitt!!! So he woodnt let annyboddy Save The Planet But ha-ha-ha the joak “it” Was “on” himb wen he got Drownded becose the see-levels they comed up over “the” Wite Howse and he coodnt swimb!!! That was Lanardo Dee Cabron who played himb!!!

In depsaration the whorld it turned to wimmin of culler and “one” “of” themb she Got To be Pressadint of the hole Whorld and she fixted evry Thing!!! She made a 110$% tax raite and Open Boarders and lots more Transgender and rihght away evry Thing “it” strated to Get Beter!!! And then yiu know watt she done?? She “got” A hole buntch of Whiches to make a magickle spel and that putt “a” Stopp “to” al the Bad Whether!!!! And than wee hadded Comunism and evry Thing “it” Was Purfict!!!!

I love themb movyes wen thay “are” abote Socile Jutstus i whish thare was Moar Of themb and the Guvernmint thay shood maik evryboddy See Themb over and over agen!!!!!!!!!!

A Stupid Solution to a Stupid Problem

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*Sigh* And it’s still a boring movie…

Today for the first time I heard about the Bechdel-Wallace Test (in Martin Selbrede’s article), which rates movies and other works of fiction as “a measure of the representation of women in fiction” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test).

Invented by a cartoonist who doesn’t much like men, yet takes pains to look like one, the test “calls attention to gender inequality in fiction.” Even fiction isn’t safe from Social Justice Warriors.  To pass the test, a movie must have at least two women in it who talk about something other than a man, at least one of the female characters needs to be named… and then we can start counting minutes on the screen.

The test is now included in software that teaches you how to be a Hollywood screenwriter.

The whole discussion of the “problem” ignores the fact that a lot of movies are stupid and boring no matter how many or how few females characters are in them. And somebody seems to be forgetting that fiction is not real. Meanwhile, the Bechdel-Wallace Test is being applied to comic books and video games–reaching out to those who are intellectually challenged by movies and need something a little easier.

What do you want to bet liberals are going to try to make this mandatory? The pro-choice crowd does like to take away your choices. But remember what they did to the creator of the popular British TV crime series, Midsomer Murders. They “investigated” him, as if he had committed a crime, for not including enough minority characters in his stories; and for that thought crime, they took his show away from him and gave it to someone more obedient. Liberals just love to see people obey them.

Do I have skin in this fight? Not yet. Go ahead, read Bell Mountain and its sequels and try to find any female characters who only talk about their menfolks.

But they’re already devising similar tests to get more homosexual characters into movie scripts, as if they weren’t grossly overrepresented already, and the day will come when Hollywood adopts a “code” mandating “gender equality” in movies and other works of fiction. They used to tell you what you couldn’t write, or couldn’t film. That was censorship. Soon they’ll tell you what you must write, or must film. That, too, will be a kind of censorship.

Control over other people’s minds–libs can’t get enough of it.

A Stupid Movie for Stupid Dullards

Why do they even make these movies?

Beatrice Potter’s children’s books, including The Tale of Peter Rabbit, have been delighting children and adults for over 100 years. They are just fine the way they are, and need absolutely no improvement. They especially don’t need to be debased to the abysmal level of today’s pop culture.

But that’s just what Sony Pictures has done; and because they don’t have enough intellect to power an amoeba, they’ve made a mess of it.

In one controversial scene, Peter Rabbit takes advantage of Farmer McGregor’s dangerous food allergy by throwing some blackberries at him, forcing him to use his EpiPen to avoid going into anaphylactic shock. Sheesh. And of course there’s already a freakin’ hashtag thingy over it, #boycottpeterrabbit.

Why was this crapola added to Ms. Potter’s story? Two reasons spring to mind. (1) The film’s producers are idiots, and just plain never expected to happen what anybody could have told them would happen. (2) The film’s producers, in addition to being idiots, are ignorant idiots who actually didn’t know there were no EpiPens in Beatrice Potter’s time.

They’ll probably try to call her on her cell phone and ask about it.

That such benighted, intractable puddin’-headedness can exist in a country with more colleges and universities than ever existed anywhere before, and the biggest and costliest “education” system in all of human history, really ought to shame us into doing better, don’t you think?

And we can start by cutting the costs. Cutting ’em way, way back.

In Defense of Plain English

I am told by “Abner Doubleday” that the use of modern 21st-century slang in historical and fantasy novels is a matter of debate and he’s right for using it.

So, in novels set in the ancient world before the Flood, and involving spiritual beings as well as mortals, Abner has archangels call each other “you guys” and tease each other with nicknames, while the rebel angels, devils, run around quoting Barack Obama and Bill Clinton.

As you can probably guess, I’m warming up to write a review of these dreadful books. And the thing that makes them dreadful is the totally dumbed-down language in which they are written. Abner thinks this gives you access to a wider audience.

But surely plain English can do that just as well, without being incomprehensible to readers twenty years later. I don’t know what kind of theology he expects to teach an audience who can’t fathom anything much more intellectually challenging than a text message. This audience is addicted to movies that are pitched to the 11-year-old demographic, so it expects improbable wisecracking and forced badinage from all characters, all the time.

These movies will be unwatchable to the next generation. Meanwhile, they are extremely tiresome. It’s like they’re all part of the same interminable movie cooked up for middle school dropouts.

When you write, folks, try to remain within that really not so narrow area between “Dude, ya got a problem with that?” and “I prithee, sweet Prince, beshrew me no more.”

Your readers will thank you for it.