Tag: fake news

New from J-School: A Scoop Every Time!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for images of cartoon news reporter

Image result for images of cartoon news reporter

Greetings, featherless bipeds! Welcome to Journalism Made Easy, the course that makes everyone xer own news organization!

Every reporter wants to scoop the others, and be the first to break the story. Today in our class, you’re going to learn how to do this every single time! And don’t worry about it breeding inequality among journalists–because everyone can do it!

I know, you’re gonna laugh when you find out what it is, you’re gonna cry out, “Now why didn’t I think of that!” You may even be kind of ticked off that you paid all that money for this course.

But here it is, the sure-fire method of getting the scoop on every story:

Report the news before it happens!

Gee, but how to you do that?

You just bleeping make it up, stupid! What do you think ABC Nightline does? You think they actually wait for something to happen before they report it? Sheesh! You won’t ever get a scoop, that way.

Best of all, if you do this many, many times, maybe thousands of times, sooner or later, one of those stories you made up is bound to turn out to be true! And you’ll have nothing left to do but accept the Pulitzer.

Noozies Yelp Before They’re Bitten

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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The Far Left noozies at ABC Nightline embarrassed themselves yesterday by calling President Donald Trump’s new Supreme Court nominee “controversial”… before they knew who it was (https://www.newsbusters.org/blogs/nb/scott-whitlock/2018/07/09/nightline-deems-supreme-court-pick-controversial-hes-even-named).

It turned out to be Brett Kavanaugh, but they didn’t know that at the time. So they wound up having to do a lot of hommina-hommina on Twitter, trying to rehabilitate their latest venture into jumping the gun.

Who do they think they are? College students?

Yes, they knew all about the new nominee before he was nominated, before the name came out. I’ll never mock college courses like Clairvoyance 101 again.

Scientists Plan to Grow Neanderthal Brains and Install Them in Robots

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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I nominate this for Goofiest News Story of the Year. Maybe even the goofiest story ever.

The Mirror reported this week that scientists at the University of California San Diego plan to grow Neanderthal brains in petri dishes and implant them into little “crablike” robots “to see how they learn” (https://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/world/frankenstein-cyborg-crabs-artificial-intelligence-researchers-are-putting-neanderthal-brains-into-robots/ar-AAzi2CO).

Didn’t Peter Lorre already do this, once? Or was it Boris Karloff?

No–that screenplay was rejected. I think it was Vincent Price’s agent who called it “too ridiculous even for us.”

If in the unlikely event this story is true, the gang at UCSD ought to win some kind of award for creativity in wasting money.

P.S.–This is not a satire. It really is that ridiculous.

Why They Think It’s OK to Lie to Us

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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You gotta read this column by Bernard Goldberg in townhall.com yesterday (https://townhall.com/columnists/bernardgoldberg/2018/05/22/fake-news–the-mainstream-media-version-n2482836).

Working as a newsman at CBS News in the 1980s, Goldberg recalls how his colleagues cooked up deeply bogus stories about “the homeless” (President Reagan’s fault: the homeless magically disappear when a Democrat is in the White House) and “the heterosexual AIDS epidemic.”

They knew they were lying, knew they were filling their broadcasts with purposeful misinformation. But it was all in a good cause! And that excuses everything. You don’t have to tell the truth, if lies will lead the public in the right direction. Sorta like scientists lying about Climbit Change to get the public to behave as the scientists think they should. If it brings about good results, it doesn’t have to be true.

The cost? In the long run, no one believes anybody. Because they’re sure that everybody’s lying.

California Senate Bill to Criminalize ‘Fake News’ (and they get to decide what’s ‘fake’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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After failing once, last year, California’s state legislature is trying again to ban “fake news” about medicine, politics, and government (https://www.naturalnews.com/2018-04-09-california-state-senator-who-pushed-vaccine-mandate-now-seeks-to-criminalize-fake-news.html#).

Last year State Sen. Ed Chau proposed the “California Political Cyberfraud Abatement Act,” which would have banned “election-related fake news.” After loud and widespread public protest, the Senate pulled the bill without a vote.

But now State Assemblyman Richard Pan is back with “SB1424 Internet: social media: false information: strategic plan”–a law that would make it a criminal offense to be wrong, mistaken, or in any way “deceptive” in reporting political news. You could even go to jail for writing a satire, if it stung them hard enough.

Here’s my question. Why have these leftids suddenly stopped trying to pass themselves off as “moderates,” and decided to let us see who they really are and what they really want to do? Do they believe they’ve won our hearts and minds? Well, that would be delusional. Or do they believe they are now in a position to get away with it?

It’s hard to believe Mr. Pan’s bill would survive even a feeble Constitutional challenge, but it looks like he thinks it will. Why does he think that? Is he that far gone, or do he and his playmates have something up their sleeve that we don’t know about? Apparently they think they’ve found a way to suppress any and all political commentary that they don’t like: to silence any and all opposition with a threat of prison time.

For as long as I can remember, leftids have hidden behind a mask of good intentions and posed as moderates. Now they’ve stopped doing that. Now they’re right out there in the open, pushing their neo-Stalinist program for all they’re worth.

What made them take off the mask?

I think we need to know that.

A Sure-Fire Way to Increase Your Audience

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

(Thanks to Susan for the tip)

Tucker Carlson asked, last night, why America’s airports, with their captive audiences waiting for their flights, show CNN–widely disrespected as a hotbed of left-biased fraudulent nooze and non-stop Trump bashing.

Well, fan my brow! CNN is in the airports because… CNN pays the airports for the privilege: $150,000 a year buys a lot of privilege.

Confound it! Why didn’t my publishers think of that! Think how many people would read my books if they were paid for doing it. But my publishers can’t go schnorring to George Soros every time they need more money; and besides which, that would be dirty money, tainting the hand that touches it.

Now we want to know why so many doctors’ offices, on their waiting room TV, show those awful soap operas.

France to Rein in ‘Fake News’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

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French President Emmanuel Macron says he will propose new laws to crack down on “fake news” and its sponsors, and that persons who produce “fake news” will be “punished” somehow (https://www.politico.eu/pro/macron-proposes-new-law-against-fake-news/).

Does that mean I’d better not do any more jackalope stories?

How does Macron define “fake news”? Is it just reporting things that aren’t true? Gee, he’d have to ban almost all the America nooze media. Like, really–babbling away on Election Night, 2016, about Hillary’s impending landslide victory: how fake was that? Or the New York Times, year after year, printing Walter Duranty’s lies about the workers’ paradise being created in Russia by Stalin? It was all lies, and they got a Pulitzer Prize for it.

When you make laws against “fake news,” you have to anoint somebody to decide what’s fake and what isn’t, and that’s where the whole idea goes wrong. Suddenly “fake news” is any news critical of the punks in power. Try to imagine Loretta Lynch with the power to label and prosecute “fake news.” It ought to make your hair stand on end.

Our First Amendment guarantees, by law, the freedom of the press–without adding that the press is, of course, free to report all the news deemed “not fake” by the government. Because that freedom comes with no strings attached, we have always had to put up with “journalists” who are something less than a credit to their profession. We have always had to put up with a certain amount of bogus news. Our mainstream nooze media is, frankly, a disgrace. But because the First Amendment prohibits putting fetters on the press, alternative news outlets, made possible and effective by the Internet, have been able to develop and thrive.

Confound these power-hungry empty suits, like Macron, who are always trying to chop down the tree of liberty! Always for our own good, of course–which they know, but we don’t.

The partisan nooze media we have to tolerate now is an annoyance.

But giving some government dummy the power to decide what news is fake and what isn’t–well, that would be a lot more than just annoying.

Moron Noozie Wants Death Penalty… for Man Already Dead

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

What do you have to do, to get a job “contributing” both to MSNBC and The Wall Street Journal?

Take out your brain. Have someone stomp on it real hard for 15 minutes. Soak it overnight in a jug of stagnant water. Whatever is left, put it in a Cuisinart for 20 minutes. Then stick a funnel in your ear and pour the mess back in.

One such noozie, the other night, wanted to know why President Trump didn’t call for the death penalty for the Last Vegas shooter. Babbled the brain-dead noozie, the president displayed “ethnocentric nationalism” (uh, nationalism by definition is always ethnocentric: but you wouldn’t expect a noozie to know that)… “He did not react this way,” recommending the death penalty for the Muslim murderer who killed people in New York by running them down with a truck, “when a white person shot dozens of people in Las Vegas.” (Original Article)

At some point in time somebody must have reminded this schmendrick that you really couldn’t apply the death penalty to the Vegas shooter because he was, like, already dead. I can just imagine the puzzled look on his face. “Uh… you mean he can’t get the death penalty? How’s that again?”

Ah, well, you know how it is. Ignorant, bigoted, left-wing-biased noozies are so eager to call our president–he beat Hillary, dude–a racist, they don’t care how far they have to stretch it.

Should we as a society really, truly be getting our news from persons this stupid?

Guaranteed 100% Fake News Flash!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for images of confused mummies

Police in Shoggoth Township, Michigan, have broken up a gang of ancient Egyptian mummies who were allegedly attempting to infiltrate the Heydude Trailer Park.

It is believed the police were tipped off by a cat.

“We believe the mummies’ original target was a deserted Victorian house on Hobart Street,” said Det. Sgt. Warren Peace, “but you know how easily mummies get confused.”

A spokesman for the trailer park said it was not park policy to allow mummies.

 

Fake News from Fake Writers

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

As if fake news weren’t bad enough, now we’ve got to deal with fake news written by fake people.

The Huffington Post has had to remove an April 13 post on its blog by–purportedly–an “activist and feminist” who is working for her master’s degree in philosophy, surely one of the great thinkers of our time, advocating that white men be formally stripped of their right to vote because it’s all their fault that Donald Trump got to be president instead of Hillary Clinton, and also Brexit is their fault, too… and not letting them vote anymore, see, that would make it way easier for progressives to win elections… How do you spell the sound a raspberry makes?

Anyhow, HuffPo had to delete the post because its author “appears not to exist” ( http://www.huffingtonpost.co.za/shelley-garland/could-it-be-time-to-deny-white-men-the-franchise_a_22036640/ ). Dontcha hate it when that happens?

If a fictional person self-identifies as real, does that mean he, she, it, whatevuh, is real? Isn’t this yet another kind of discrimination–real-ism?