Tag: foolish intellectuals

Joe Collidge’s Term Paper REPRINT

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What to Do If Your High Schooler Has Failing GradesFrom June 11, 2021

Soddenly Our Collidge thay has desided “it” gots tobe moar Riggerice (wattevver That meens!!) and we shood “alll” has “to” rite Termb Paypers!!! Even in Nothing Studdies!!! It is crool,, butt thay say somb Haters in the Stayte Lejaslaychur thay are “goingto” taik A-whay A Lott “Of” our funnding unlest thare “is” moar Eddicaytshun hapening!!!!! That it is wye we has to rite Termb Paypers!!!! To proove the Collidge is knot jist waysting Munny!!!!!!

Wel i nevver rote no Term Payper the hole tyme i Been “in” collidge!! The prefesster she sayed “Jist reite yore Idear”^^ that aynt No helpp!! Idear? I hasnt hadded no Idear sints, like, Evver!!!!!!!!!!

Forchinittly my frend Fottzy, he hadded A Grate Idear and he sayed “Wye doughnt yiu jist rite watt i rite?? Weere all “goingto” rite “The saimb” Thing!!!”! That shoor taiked a lode Offf my “Mined”!” Aslo it is a whay “to” cellerbrayt Dyvercity!!!!

So our Toppick it is “Jo Bydin He Is “The” Re-Carnation of Pressadint Obomma and Pressadint Obomma He “Is” Naow A god!!!!!!!!!!” It is a grate toppick and we whill Awl “get” a A+++!!!

Somb Hater he sayed Jobydin he “is” Oalder thann Pressadint Obomma so he caint possablee be himb and anywhay Pressadint Obomma he “is” still Hear so he caint Be Re-in-carnaytid At All!!!!””!  So we al beet himb Up!!!!

Boy it “Is” Harrd to rite a Termb Payper, thay “are” maikin us rite A Hundrid 100 Werds and itt is Taikin me al Dhay!!!!!!!!

We take Downe wite men’s Pitchures! REPRINT

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[Editor’s note: And then there were none… except for Uncle Joe.]

From June 15, 2018

Hear at Collidge we has got a “grate idear” to Hellp Minorites by taken downe “alll” pitchures of wite mens!!! and this it whil make Minorites feeel beter abote Them Selfs!!

We got this hear big Collidge Haul it is “full of” pitchures and thay all pitchures of wite men and That Is Racist!!!! We dont cair eny more that theeze guys thay fownded The collidge and invented stufff and Discuvered stufff and aslo rote stuff and doughnated “lots of” dollers to the collidge It dont mater eny more thay are wite so evry Thing thay done It Dosnt Count!!!!

Fromb now “on” only Pitchures of Minorites and Wimmin wil be aloud in Collidge Haul and some Deen he sayed it wasnt rihght so we slashed his car tyres for Socile Jutstus!!! that whil teech himb to “keeep” his mowth shut!! and we aslo mooved the Statchue of pressadint Obamma into the midle “of” The Haul and evry boddy thay has to bough downe to it wenevver thay see “it” or else thay gett Put “intoo” Sensertivitty Traning untill thare Minds are rihght!!! We was gointo throwe them In the oven but it is “not” big ennuohgh! and it is two bad we culdnt becose “thAt” woud reely Hellp Minorites a lott!!

Aslo it makes yiu feeel reel Good abote yore Self wen yiu hellps Minorites and Wimmin!!!

Science: Grown-Up Libs Still Have Imaginary Friends REPRINT

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From April 27, 2019

Incredibly rigorous research by Settled Science “R” Us has found that liberals–especially politicians and college professors–have imaginary friends all throughout their adult lives.

“The science is settled, so shut up already!” said Dr. X, who wishes to remain anonymous. “A lot of people have imaginary friends while they’re little kids, but big libs have ’em all their lives.”

Why do grown-up liberals have imaginary friends?

“First, what other kind can they get?” said Dr. X. “But second, and more importantly, who else but an imaginary person is going to provide the liberal with the constant reassurance he needs that he’s really, really smart, infinitely more virtuous than all those people he hates, and much, much nicer than everybody else? No real person is ever going to do that!

“You can’t help feeling kind of sorry for them. They think they’re so terribly smart, but they’re mostly rather stupid. They think they’re good and kind–well, that’s a lie! They think they do everything from the purist motives. That’s a laugh. Really, if they didn’t do so much freakin’ damage to the country, you could almost take up a collection for them. They haven’t got the ghost of a suspicion of how obnoxious they are. And they are appalled and mystified that ordinary people don’t bow down to them and acknowledge their greatness. Ah, me! Being the smartest persons in the world–it’s a thankless job!”

Liberals who do not yet have an imaginary friend, he added, can always get one just by watching CNN or MSNBC. “You’d be surprised how many of them have adopted one of the noozies they see on TV every night,” said Dr. X. “They love getting interviewed on an imaginary Sunday talk show by one of their imaginary friends–and they get a real charge out of it when Rachel Maddow or somebody praises them on international TV. That none of it’s real is something they lose track of rather quickly.”

Is this study saying, then, that the average adult liberal is… crazy?

“As a bedbug,” said Dr. X.

 

Our Universities: Waste, Waste, Waste REPRINT

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Cynical Theories - Audiobook

From November 3, 2020

This was an unusual book review for me to do because the content of Critical/Cynical Theories is about as close as you can come to pure gibberish while still using the alphabet. It’s not the authors’ fault, but that’s what you get when you quote the Far Left Crazy.

https://chalcedon.edu/blog/critical-cynical-theories-a-book-review

The authors, a couple of liberals, fear that the Far Left will go too far and drive everybody else into the arms of the Far Right. Can’t happen soon enough, sez I.

As you plod through the verbal swamps of Far Left babble, you can’t avoid being appalled by the colossal waste that is “higher education”–waste of money, time, effort, and anything else that they can think of wasting. The billions of dollars spent every year to generate this garbage and drill it into the empty heads of gullible students constitutes a sin: the sin of incontinence. The money would be better spent on amusement parks.

The American people need to wake up and realize that they’re being scammed, if not outright robbed. For all the money they spend on higher education, they’re only getting garbage for it. As for the alumni who support these idiot factories with lavish gifts of money, shame on them: they have to stop doing it.

This is the result of insisting that everyone, no matter how intellectually undistinguished, must go to college.

Read a few chapters of this book and see if your head doesn’t start pounding.

 

REPRINT A Interllectural He Says Whatt to Doo Abuot Our Nattinal Parks Being Racist

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From May 21, 2016

I am hear by poplar deemand today to tel yiu whatt Us interllecturals say whe got to do abuot Our nachonal parks being Racist. Acturely i dont thinke that stopid dop lee he had a bad ideer abot sayin Our innard cittys ouhgjt to be caled Natonal parks that wuld be grate But we got to doo somthing abuot them parkes we alreddy has so that Minorites wil feeel wellcom in them. And aslo get ridd of too much wite peple. So Okay hear’s waht we do.

One, blow up all them wite mail racist heads on Mont Rush More and thay shuld aslo chang the nayme becose thare shuldnt be no monttin naymed after that Big fat Racist Rushh Limbo, thay mustt get rid of al them Wite heads and replase them with Black heads Our Beloved Presdint O’Bomma and His wyfe The First Laddy and aslo Opera Windfree and May be Beyondsay becose Her musick its so grate.

Too, Go inta al the other Parks “and” hang up Speekers on al the Trees and them speekers thay wil Play Rap Musick reel loud! Play it 25-7!

Threee, evry Park it shuld got to have Stores ware the peple can by Lottry tickits and aslo Thay “can” loot the stores anytime thay Want.

And fore, git rid “of” al them Park Rangers becose thay way tooo much like The Polise and nachrally Minorites thay skared the Rangers thay wil shooot them.

Yiu kno waht? them Minorites thay are Luckky that us Interllecturals we are arond to think Up al theese things for them that is becose Whe are alyas the “Friends of” the Opresed and whe are Socail Justiss Worriers whoo fihgjt for there rihghts and we “Make Sure” their is plente of Divversigty and any boddy who is Not diversst thay shuld be shot!!

‘The Calecktid Wizdumb of Joe Collidge’ REPRINT

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From May 21, 2021

Home Cleaning Tips for Cleaning Crayon Off Walls

(When I was in first grade–or was it kindergarten?–I got in huge trouble for drawing with crayons on the tiled wall of the vestibule, where the teacher had confined me for some minuscule transgression. I drew a picture of a bank robber carrying a bag of money out of a bank. I thought it was rather good, but the teacher called the janitor to wipe it off.)

Great News! Fumble House Pulbishers plan to publish The Calecktid Wizdumb of Joe College, if they can find someone to transcribe it after Joe scrawled it in crayon on the wall of the Trotsky Dorm’s second-floor shower room. But let’s let Joe speak for himself.

***

Hi its me Joe Collidge and i “amb” a Awther!!!! i has writed a Book “to Hellp” awl yiu dum and stoopid ordrinery peeple be Smart-er,, “allmost” as Smart as yiu wood “be” iff yiu wented To Collidge!!!

Wen yiu “are dun” reeding This yiu wil Under-stand that Souper Heeroes thay “are” reel and Trans-ginder it is The Fewtcher and Captiallism it is Bad and Yiu Are Awl no-good stinkin Racists!!!!!! And yiu whil “notbe” Abul To Sleeep “with” “out” a pixture of HILLARY tayped to yore Bedd!!!!!!!!! And other good stuph tooo!

Somb Hater Biggit thay “asskt” me haow cumb i “writed” “it” on the Bath Rhoomb wawl whith “Crayyons” in sted “of” Payper butt “he” jist runned A-whay wen I stratted Skreeming Racist at himb and ye,lling “foar” the Campas Dyvercity Squawd!!!! Thay cumb and give me Play-Doh “to” clam me daown!!!!!

I amb sapozed “to” Get somb Big Munny foar “this” hear Boock butt frist I has to pay themb A Thowzind Dolors butt thats OK thay tolled me “awl” awthers and wrighters thay awlyaws has To “do” That!!!!!!

Artafishiul Intelerginse! It Is The Waive Of The Futre!! REPRINT

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From April 13, 2018

I amb hear to tel yiu ordinary Dum peeple “abote” Artafishiul Intelerginse that meens Roebots! Thare is a guy he “Is” in Jappan he sais he is “Going” To has roebots and Cumputers run his hole Town and thare wont be No Moar stopid peeple “Trying To” do it!!

Hear at Collidge wee “are” wirking on Roebots thay wil do Evry Thing and us Interllecturals al we Wil has to do fromb now On is studdy moar Gender Studies and rite Cow Boy potery and play whith Play Doe!!! Exept our Prefessers thay dont Whant Roebots “to” do thare prefessering Becose then thay wuldnt has no jobbs!!

Wel the Thing abote Roebots “is” thay al gots Cumputers in thare branes so thay Are alyawys Smart and thay cant nevver make No misteaks!!! Becose Artafishiul Intelerginse it is Better “then” Reel Intelerginse in fact’d Thay are a Lot like “Mr. Spoque in” Star Treck and if Artafishiul Intelerginse it was Voting insted of stopid dum peple Hillery she wuld Be our Pressadint!!!

My prefesser he sayes Artafishiul Intellerginse it shuld jist “do” Evry Thing becose Work Blows! and no boddy thay shuld nevver has to Work no moar exept al them dum and stopid christins and oncet we got Artifishiul Intelerginsse Up and Runing then we Can “get rid” of Boarders and give Anmesty to al the Undoctaminted Immergrints in the whorld!!!! and aslo Free Stuff to Evry Boddy exept wite hetrosexial Mails!!

This hear It “is The” Waive Of The Futre!

So It’s Not Satire… REPRINT

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From August 15, 2016

Hey! Remember this?    How we defenseless taxpayers of America paid over $400,000 to some idiot “professor” to pioneer “feminist glaciology” and “the connection between gender and glaciers”?

So you thought I was kidding yesterday when I wrote “Physics goes P.C.”? Well, so did I–but now I’m not so sure. I mean, here we’ve got a “feminist political ecology and feminist postcolonial approach” to the study of glaciers. What the blazes does that mean?

We are asked–if not ordered–to believe in “science” as the ultimate arbiter of truth. If “science” says it ain’t so, then it ain’t so: sayonara, Book of Genesis. And if “science” says it’s so, then it’s so: come on in, feminist glaciology! Here, you can sit down right here, between Climate Change and Evolution.

Is what we call “science” even science anymore?

If you say yes, lots of luck trying to prove it.

 

Another book That Dont make No Sentse!! REPRINT

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Image result for images of bogart as sam spade

From April 20, 2018

 

I reely hate To reed books Becose reeding “it” is Racist but i tryed to Reed “This” one becose a Musslum he rote it!! i dint espect It “to” be intresting becose it was abote “a” bird The Maltees Falkin thare was Some kind Of bird “on” the cuvver but I reddit becose the guy whoo rote It “he” is a Musslum named Dashel Mohamet.

Hear at Collidge we has now be Interllecturals so we dont Reely has got to reed no books but this “heer” book it didnt Make No sentse!!! I seen thru it rihght aweighy! It was all abote This guy Sam Spayed and i thinked thats a Funny “name” becose My father he keeeps sayin i shuld ouhght to get Spayed but this hear guy “he is” a Privet Eiye and that “is” two mutch like A Cop! so wye wuld i evver whant “to be” Spayed i dont like himb!!!

and I kepped whaiting to reed “some” Musslum stuph but thare Wasnt anny!!! Jist al this Racist stopid stufff abote some “bird” i think it had Maltees in it and i lyke Maltees as mutch “As Any” boddy expesally wen I amb whaching a Movie but I dont know “Why” any “boddy” wuld whant to Wrihght a hole book about Maltees in a burd!!!! it is a fragrent ixample of Wite Prifflidge!! and I assked my Self waht kind Of Musslum “is” Dashel Mohamet anny weighy???

so I diddnt whant to reed anny moar it was Making my Moth Antenners hurt somthing offal!!! it Maid me hongry too and i diddnt has no jim sox so I had to eet a Bo Tie insted! I dont think Ties thay wil evver replase jim sox!

Lets go On A Dieit!! REPRINT

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From May 10, 2019

Yeasterday we hadded a spacial Lexture in Nothing Studdies abote Dieits and “Haow” yiu shoodnt “eeat” nothing whith Attems in it! Becose themb Attems thay gett “mixed” tagether “and” That maikes themb into Mollycules and thenn Anny Thing it Can “hapen” jist abote al of It all Bad!!!!

It terns Out thare “are” Mollycules in Meet and Vejtibbles and themb Mollycules thay are watt maikes yiu Fat and maikes yiu aslo Whatch Fox News!!! Butt i was Feeeling Releaved becose yiu can stil eet jim sox and hankerchiffs thare isnt no Mollycules in thare!!! But then the Lexturer she sayed “i Hait to telll yiu this butt thare is Attems in pracktally Evry Thing and Attems thay meene Mollycules!!”!

and then somb Eaval whyte Soupremassist he wispered “O Yeah?? then how comb she her is so freekin Fatt??? she must waigh 3 hunderd powneds!!! butt” we herd himb so six of us wee beet himb up!!! Aslo now he hasto “go” to Sencertivatty Traning becose he is Aginst Divercity!!!!! We try not to lett enny Fashists into Nothing Studdies but thay “keep” sneeking “in”!” and maiking biggit speach!!!

Wel somb of Us we was whirryed yiu coodnt “eat” nothing at al becose amlost “Evvry” Thing its got Attems in “it” but that is OK afteral becose The Lexturer “she” toled us she cood cell us “theese” hear Pills witch yiu can take and “thay” “pre-vent” the Attems fromb buntching tagether “And” maiking Mollycules!!! So natcherly we al byed themb Pills so now we are “Saif” fromb Mollycules!!!!! It was a Close Cawl thuohgh!!!!!!