In 706 B.C., unemployed King of Assyria Ashu-Nani-Hoople, hid from his dog, Farfel. The dog eventually found him and ate him.
My dog Rags used to love to play hide and seek. So did my cat, Buster. But we never had a problem when they found me.
Year: 2021
The CDC: They’re Kidding–We Hope
This just in. I don’t want it to be true.
It seems the Center for Disease Control, confronting evidence that making everybody wear face masks hasn’t and will not do a lick of good, are pondering whether they should recommend we all wear–undies! panty hose!–across our faces, on top of two or three masks (https://en-volve.com/2021/02/12/not-satire-cdc-now-recommending-we-wear-pantyhose-on-our-faces-along-with-facemasks/).
They’ve done “experiments on mannequins in a lab”–no testing on humans yet–and admit, grudgingly, that “double masking might impede breathing or obstruct peripheral vision.” Ya think? And so, they say, we might try “placing a sleeve made of sheer nylon hosing material around the neck and pulling it up over either cloth or medical procedure mask”… with “knots and tuckings” to make it tight.
I’m sure I’ve heard of bank robbers doing this.
They’ve gone completely loopy.
Folks, we need a new government–stat!
We has Got Unaxplaned femonanimb Heer At Collidge!!!
Evry Boddy heer we “are” Skaired!!! becose Our Collidge it “is” hawntid “By” a Unaxplaned Paranormble thing,, i “think” mayby it “Is” a Goest butt “it” “mite” be a Dibbick becose it camed Out “Of” a Dibbick Bocks that Somb Boddy thay bawt on Ee-Bay!!!!!
I kno yiu are nhow Assking “well waht Is” a “Dibbick”?” Whell it is soart Of “lyke” a Goest ownly it Comes “In” a Bocks,, soart of lyke Craker Jax!!! and it “is” mutch Meener then a Goest!!! and this heer idjit he Oapinned the Bocks and the Dibbick it Got Out!!!!!
So nhow “it” “is” Hawnting our Marks & Lennon Doarmb and evry Boddy we “are” Awl freeeked Out!!!! This Dibbick is flotes aruound “The” doarmb and maiks Bugs com inta the Roombs and busts lite bolbs and maiks theeze Harrable Noyzes and no One thay cannt Get “no” Sleeep!!!!!!! it maiks me Gladd i amb sleeeping In the Toool Shedd insted “Of” the doarmb!!!!!
i hassnt nevver seed “the” “Dibbick” butt this heer Other gye i know, he seed it and it looks Lyke a Oald Wimmin whith Long Sharp Teeeth and aslo it Smells jist Aawffle!!!!!!!!!! i smelt it oncet!! Yew!!!!!!!!!
No Boddy thay knose haow To “put” that thare Dibbick back In “the” Bocks and our Commassar she sayed This hear “promble it Is “tooo mutch” foar Us,, wee neeed somb munny fromb The Govvermint!!!! befoar we awl Go Crayzy!!!! “Pressadint Bydin he is The Ownly One whoo knoze waht” to do “whith Para Normble Unaxplaned Femominners”!”!” Thay say he Has “a lott” of Axpeariants whith The Unaxplaned”!” So we “are” wryting himb A Lettar!!!
I jist hoap it Doughnt get Out Of “the” Doarmb and taik awhay Our Play-Doh!!!!!!!!
‘You Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Say That!’
My Newswithviews column this week, “Republican Cowards,” had to do with… well, Republican cowards.
I got a lot of emails about this, almost all of them enthusiastically agreeing with me. But there was one bad apple in the barrel.
This guy said he hoped the FBI would swoop down on me for sayin’ these bad, bad things. Free speech is one thing, he said, but… this? Way out of line! You just can’t say things like that!!! Unless, of course, you’re a Democrat and the president is Donald Trump. Then there’s absolutely nothing you can say that’s out of bounds.
I grew up thinking I lived in a country in which I had a God-given right to free speech, that the government had no power to take away from me. Why did I think that? Because everybody said so. Because the First Amendment to the Constitution, the law of the land, said so. Right there in black and white, for anyone to see.
Now we’ve got all these characters out there–almost all of them Democrats–who think the government should restrict the content of Americans’ speech. They think you should be free to say only things approved by the government. And woe unto you if you don’t!
This is alien to America, it is not American, it has crept into our culture from somewhere outside, then hatches into a parasite that attacks us from within.
But hey! That’s what President Trump’s no-longer-in-office “impeachment” trial is about, isn’t it? Show the proles you can’t buck the ruling class, even if you’re a billionaire like Donald Trump. Throw a scare into us! If they can do this to him, what chance have I got?
How things change! When I was undergoing “orientation” to prepare for Rutgers University, every other word out of their mouths was about the glory, the glamor, and the absolute sheer necessity for… Dissent! It was an end in itself, it was the highest civic virtue, and anyone who doesn’t dissent is a villain and a dastard. Etc., etc.
Let’s see how much dissent they tolerate, now that they’ve got their monkey in the White House.
“It’s Only Normal” Not! (Book Review)
Back in 2004, in Waco, Texas–thought you were safe in a blue state, didn’t you?–Planned Parenthood was pushing this poisonous little text as part of “sex education” in the public schools.
https://chalcedon.edu/resources/articles/its-only-normal-not
The message was, there’s no such thing as an abnormal or morally wrong sex act, as long as, ahem, “nobody gets hurt,” etc. You name it, it’s “normal” and the kids should be doing it.
I have a particular reason for remembering this book. I was describing it on the phone to a liberal family member, huge fan of Planned Parenthood: but It’s Perfectly Normal was strong medicine, even for him, so he took refuge in a popular liberal tactic of debate: “There’s no such book as that! You’re making it up!”
“I have it here on the table, right in front of me,” I said. “If you were here, you could see it and touch it.”
“No, no, you’re just making it up…”
Of course that was 16 years ago, and the trick of denying basic reality had not yet quite taken hold on liberals.
But they’ve got it down to a science now. Don’t you just have to laugh when leftids talk about “science”?
By Request, ‘How Great Thou Art’
Requested by “Thewhiterabbit,” How Great Thou Art–and I chose this rendition by Alan Jackson. My granda and my mother both used to sing this as they did their housework. How we long for the presence of the Lord, sometimes!
‘”Care Bears” for College Students’ (2017)
These are supposed to be not children anymore, but young adults. College students. But it’s getting harder and harder to tell them apart from 5-year-olds.
Care Bears posters are supposed to help young adults (it only hurts when I laugh!) cope with the stresses of life. Like life as a good-for-nothing college student was anywhere near as stressful as holding down a job or raise a family, or both! Besides, haven’t they got Play-Doh and lollipops to get them through the day? I mean, how stressful can it be, getting a degree in Gender Studies?
‘I Will Praise Him Still’
Start the day with a hymn–I Will Praise Him, Still by Fernando Ortega.
What more needs to be said?
Ferocious Kittens Commandeer Bathtub
See that? Now you can’t take a bath! These wild, untamed, ravaging kittens have even torn up toilet paper! Just imagine what they’d do to a hapless human being. No wonder the ancient Phrygians made it against the law to take baths with kittens.
I’ve Got Bell Mountain Fever
My writer’s chair is buried under snow and ice, it’s dead cold outside, and there’s more snow in the forecast–
But spring is in the air.
I know this because I’ve received an inspiration for my next Bell Mountain book, which I can’t even begin to write until spring is really here. Suddenly a really thorny plot problem has been bulldozed out of the way. Thank you, Lord!
For those of you who are new here, this blog was originally set up to generate interest in my books, and that’s still part of its mission. (If you’re really new, click “Books” and see all the covers.) This unwritten, untitled book will be the 15th in the series. We are expecting No. 13, The Wind from Heaven, to be published sometime this spring. After that comes No. 14, Behold!
Some readers have complained that this series has gone on too long. Others have said they hope it never ends. What can I say? I love writing these books, and I’ll never live long enough to match the number of books in series by my favorite authors. Did Edgar Rice Burroughs write too many Tarzan books? He thought so, but a lot of readers disagreed. Did Agatha Christie write too many books featuring Hercule Poirot? She thought so, but a lot of readers disagreed.
Whatever the case, there is now a really cool miracle waiting to become the centerpiece of No. 15, and it will truly be a pleasure to start the work.