Category: satire

Readers’ Letters to The Queen of Suspense (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, is sorry she threw open the door to readers’ suggestions for Chapter DCLXXXVI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. Here are a few samples smuggled out of the house before she could delete them. (“I am buying an alligator to guard my home at night!” she warns the public. “Break in at your own risk.”)

From Poona, Ohio: “Why don’t you write about that nice couple on the book cover? Six hundred chapters, and you ain’t giving them a wink!”

Yurm, England: “D’il a-crawly wip al yon leggety scramps!” This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Chakmalmez, Honduras: “There isn’t much romance in your romance! How about some scenes of torrid lovemaking?” (Violet replied to this one, “How about you go skydiving without a parachute?”)

Ongs Hat, New Jersey: “Keep it up, Violet! And while you’re at it, give us a couple of juicy murders, a genius sleuth to solve them, UFOs and aliens, and those things that look like pumpkins!”

Kizzuwatna, Asia Minor: “Go soak your head.”

Violet Crepuscular today is unavailable for comment. It was all we could do to get her to bed last night. Usually she stays up to watch wrestling; but after all those nasty notes and emails, it took a fair among of wrestling to calm her down. We are going to untie her this morning so she can write a little.

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 18

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ORIGINAL Vintage June 4 1988 TV Guide No Label Howard Cosell Al Michaels | eBay

(“You will never catch a quokka wearing a rug like that!”)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s awesome TV menu served up to you steaming hot by Quokka University! Here are just a few of these gems:

6:02 P.M.  Ch. 07  THEY CALL IT ‘HAIR’–Celebrity chit-chat

Who’s got the most unconvincing rug in Hollywood? Yeesh, look at that thing Howard Cosell wore in 1988. And they’re worried about women not making it as sportscasters? Try it as a quokka sometime!

6:15 P.M.   Ch. 12  SECRETS OF MY DNA–Science reality TV

How would you like to find out you have horseshoe crab DNA in your body? Join host Polly “the Squid” Amory as she exposes guests as not quite human. Whoever has the wildest DNA wins a part in the new werewolf movie, Lookin’ North and Walkin’ South. 

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 24  NEWS WITH CHILLBLAINS–Experimental

Would TV news be more convincing if the newsies were freezing to death as they reported it? How badly must a reporter’s teeth chatter before he can be credited with inventing a new language? How deep a shade of blue can you get before they have to let you back indoors? Studio located on Solitude Island, Russia… so you know it’s cold up there! Anchor: One of those famous people who sort of disappeared.

7  P.M.   Ch. 46  AT HOME WITH THE SHRIKES–Indefensible sitcom

Reincarnated as human after several lifetimes as savage little birds of prey, Doc and Flimsey Shrike (Walter Brennan, Donna Reed) continue their predatory ways after moving to LaFong Corners, New Jersey. Tonight: Flimsey impulsively devours a Cub Scout leader, necessitating another visit to Jimbo the Lawyer (Gabby Hayes). Special featured attraction: the June Taylor Dancers dance to “Where’s My Coccyx, Sweetheart?”

Well, that’s enough to get you started! Imagine finding out you’ve got spider DNA… and not knowing what kind of spider it is.

 

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

“Let me in! I don’t want to miss ‘The Shrikes’!”

Byron the Quokka signing off.

Wye We ‘Nead’ Two (2) Dickshinairies!!

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Confusion Stock Photo - Download Image Now - Dictionary, Confusion, Book - iStock

We hadded a Brillyint lexture tooday “in” Nothing Studdies!”!” It “was” awl abuot Incollusion!!!

Trye “to” unnerstand this “heer” Poynt,, it “is” Very suttle!!!! Waht Is “the” diffrints betwean Incollusion “and” Excollusion??

Incollusion is wen we Do it,, and Excollusion is wen thay do it!!!! Wen we Do it, that Is Socile Jutstus! Wen thay doo it, that is Hait!!!! and aslo Racism! This gits conphusing!!

That it is wye we nead Two dickshinairies-(-one foar us Good Peeple and “The” other for awl themb Biggits out thare!!!!!! Otherwyes a dickshinairy it wood Be Too Big and reel hard “to” Carry aruound!!!! And besydes noboddy butt “a” Racist wood whant the Racist dickshinairy!!!! And We sirtinly doughnt whant enny “of” thayr Hatful wirds in our dickshinairy!!!!!!

Ownly by geting Ridd of no-good stinkin biggits, Ownly be excolluding themb, will we evver has incollusion!!!!!!!!!!

See haow Suttle that is?? Yiu has to Be “in” collidge a Long Tyme befoar yiu Are smart enuough To unnderstan It!!!!!!

Woke Stupid Nonsense… to Contemplate

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Participation trophies are great - SBNation.com

See if you can stay with me here. I know it’s hard–but we are after understanding.

*Everyone and everything should be made equal, if not identical.

*Everyone and everything (except for obvious exceptions, like Christianity or truth) must be “included” in whatever we say, do, or think of.

*When you have successfully achieved those objectives, you have probably achieved Diversity.

With that in mind, I think it’s time we went beyond just handing out Participation Trophies to everyone who shows up. Like, why is “participation” better than “non-participation”? Why do you have to be there, to get a trophy, when they could always mail it to you?

Yes! The next step in achieving true uniform Diversity is to hand out Non-Participation Trophies to everyone who did not show up, did not get involved in any way, who does not even care or know about whatever thing you’re awarding trophies for. Why should some people get trophies and others not?

“Inclusion” means inclusion of everything and everybody. Except Christians, etc. Diversity thrives on uniformity! Inclusion on exclusion!

You know the rest.

Lost! The Missing Executioner (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Violet Crepuscular, “The Queen of Suspense,” has decided not to write Chapter DCLXXXIV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. “It’s too complicated,” she explains. “Besides which, the Crown’s traveling executioner has gone missing–lost, somehow, on his way to Scurveyshire. This happened fairly often in those days.”

Meanwhile, for all the short time which they served as absolute rulers of the shire, the June Taylor Dancers still managed to repeal all the laws of Scurveyshire but were expelled to Tannu Tuva, in Central Asia, before they had any time to replace the laws.

“Isn’t that a fine mess?” laments Lord Jeremy Coldsore. “As justice of the peace, how am I to enforce the laws when there are no laws?” He is exasperated by the vicar, who keeps meowing for more cat food.

The disappearance of the executioner is a cause for concern. Willis Twombley, the American adventurer, has raised a dozen pesetas with which to bribe the executioner: it is known that this official prefers Spanish money. “What do I do with all these pesetas?” Twombley asks rhetorically. “They won’t take ’em in The Lying Tart. I wish I’d never fed the vicar all that cat food!”

“We are now,” Ms. Crepuscular reminds her readers, “in Chapter DCLXXXV of my epic romance, Oy, Rodney. The next chapter, DCLXXXVI, I throw open to suggestions from the readers. What happens next? You, dear readers, must decide!” [Editor resigns in frustration, vows to have no more to do with any form of literature.]

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 11

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tv guide sears portrait studio 1987

Hiyo, out there, it’s 11-11! And I’m Byron the Quokka, bringing you the best in television from Quokka University, home of the 1989 West Australia Pick-Up Stix champions. Here’s the merest sample of the sublime greatness we have in store for you!

6:45 P.M.   Ch. 03  YOUR LAST COMMERCIAL–Dark melodrama

Hey! “Dark melodrama” is a tautology! “Melo” means “dark.” (I’m glad we’ve got that out of the way, it was a stone in my shoe. So to speak. No, I have not forgotten that quokkas don’t wear shoes. It was a figure of speech.) Bounty hunter Chad Przwalski (Charles Bronson) hunts down actors, directors, and writers who make TV commercials. Then they make no more.

Ch. 07

‘YOU SAID A MOUTHFUL!’ NEWS–(Just what it sounds like)

Don’t bother telling anchorman Bombley Twombly “Don’t talk with your mouth full of cereal!”–This is the show for people who want to say they watch the news, but don’t really want to watch it at all. Sports: Babblin’ Bob Burnoose. Weather: Sally McNally. You’ll be lucky if you understand six words of the entire broadcast!

7 P.M.  Ch. 42  LEAVE IT TO MAGO–Sitcom

What happens when a freak solar storm whisks a family of ancient Carthaginians to the suburban township of Cthulhu Corners, New Jersey? Not to worry! Twelve-year-old Mago, boy genius, gets them through one crisis after another! This week: The police want to know about that idol of Moloch in the “Smith” back yard–and the disappearances among neighborhood children. Sgt. Muldoon: Andre the Giant.

Ch. 55  SHAKESPEARE FINGER PUPPETS: ‘AS YOU LIKE IT’–Words fail us

Shakespeare said “All the world’s a stage,” and surely was thinking about finger puppets when he said it. Tonight, the Famous Finger-Folk perform the Bard’s classic comedy inside a shoebox! You’ll need to sit real close to the TV set to see and hear it–but do you really have anything better to do?

Well, folks, that’s about that! I love those finger puppets–you should’ve seen them do “Julius Caesar.”

Stuttgart, Germany. 19th July, 2023. A quokka from Australia sits in its indoor enclosure upon arrival at Wilhelma in Stuttgart. Several quokkas move into the new Australian world Terra Australis at Wilhema,

Make sure you’ve got leafy treats handy! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

We Nead ‘A’ Weeed Man Date!!!!!

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Yes, I'm a (Coffee) Pot Head | Karimoos Market

Yiu whant “to” know watts Wrawng whith Amairicka? I whil tel yiu!!!

We doughnt smoak Enuff wead!!! And wye Is “that,, yiu assk”?”?” Becawse we hasntt got “no Man Date” to maik “it” Cumpulssary!!!!

Us at the Stoodint Soviet we “are” riting A Leter “to” Pressadint Jobydin dee-manding himb to maik it a Executrive Odor and a Man Date “that fromb” Nhow On evvry boddy thay has to smoak Marrawanna evvry Day!!!!!

This heer it whil mayk the hole Contry mutch moar Mello!!!!!! Are yiu wurryed abuot Darnold Trumpt tayking oaver agin??? Well ha ha ha!!!!!!! Iff evvry boddy smoaks Moar Wead, thay woont evin Re-membber whoo “he” Is!!!!  And it woont mater that evvry boddy thay Are Stoaned awl “the” tyme and cant Think “of Nothing!”!” We has Arta Fisshil Intelerginse A,I! to doo awl “the thincking” foar Us!!!!!!! That whil alouw us to rite Cowboy Pottery and Play viddio gaimes and get Ginder Affurming Cair as mutch “as” we whant!!!!!!!!!

Nhow “it” mite Be Nessasairy to Maik peple smoak Pott but its fore thare Own Goood and anyhaow No boddy has a Rite “not to obay” the Man Date!!!

And dought whurry abuot Cost!!!! The U-N it whil alyaws help us Pay “fore” It!!!!

Guaranteed 100% Safe!

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New! Improved! From World Economic Forum Industries–the 100% electric bus that’s guaranteed to have a 100% safety record! Absolutely nothing can go wrong!

Let’s admit it: a bus is a terrible thing to have rolling downhill backwards because its battery conked out and the brakes and steering don’t work. But trust WEF engineers to find a way around that problem! Just a little glitch, that’s all.

Our new improved 100% electric bus will go nowhere! Wheels won’t turn. The battery’s there to provide lights and soothing New Age music; it can’t be used to start the engine. Because there is no engine! Why didn’t we think of that sooner?

Our new Safe-T-Bus is ideal for 15-Minute Cities where you’re only gonna have to walk a few blocks anyway. The Safe-T-Bus gives the illusion of motion and relies on an inexhaustible source–your imagination! Want to go to Ohio? Board the bus, pay the driver, sit down in your seat… and imagine you’re going to Ohio! It’s so much safer–and sustainable!–than any other mode of travel.

Hint: Eventually these buses will be mandatory–so buy ’em for your town now before the price goes up.

Feeding Your Vicar Cat Food (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Violet Crepuscular, “The Queen of Suspense,” prepares to launch Chapter DCLXXXIV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, with these few words to the reader.

“Imagine how different the whole world would have been,” she aviates, “had Parliament not passed a law forbidding the feeding of cat food to members of the clergy! I for one can’t imagine it! In fact, I think I’d better go lie down.”

We can only speculate on what she would have or might have written this weekend, had she been up to it. Dog-walker Eileen Spelunky of Baldy, Wisconsin, thinks she has the answer.

“But I ain’t tellin’,” she asserts: “not unless I git $500.”

We know what’s wrong with Ms. Crepuscular: all those toothpaste sandwich cookies going to bed, not to mention washing it down with maple syrup. It makes me woozy, just to think about it.

Meanwhile, we have not been told how far the traveling executioner has yet to go to reach Scurveyshire. Willis Twombley is sure he can bribe him to drop the case. “I wouldn’t of given the vicar no cat food,” he explains, “only he kept meowing for it.”

[I’m sorry, that does it–a lie-down for me, too!]

Byron’s TV Listings, Nov. 4

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Tonight's Anglia and Channel 4… in 1988 - Schedules - Transdiffusion Broadcasting System

G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here, with your post-Halloween weekend television, brought to you by Quokka University where Pick-Up Stix is king! Here are a few samples of what’s in store for you.

7 P.M.  Ch. 14  I AM A HAMSTER–Schlockumentary

Join host Marty Prolapse, who identifies as a hamster, in his search for people who are even more screwed-up than he is. Tonight: Has Marty met his match? This woman identifies as “an alligator with a grudge.” Sponsored by some kind of liver pill.

Ch. 34  SPECIAL REPORT: REVOLT OF THE SKELETONS–News, of a sort

Kizzuwatna Township, Pennsylvania–is it the victim of an ancient Hittite curse that summons animated skeletons to attack the shopping malls? Anchor Dan Lather reports, “We are under siege by skeletons and the State Police don’t believe us!” Special guest stars: The June Taylor Dancers.

8 P.M.  Ch. 12  MOVIE–Unbearable suspense

In The President’s Brain is Missing (1988: 17 minutes), President Smiley (Pee Wee Herman) raises suspicions when he orders a nuclear attack on Fowlerville, Michigan. It turns out his brain is missing! Can Special Agent Imble Zanagazza (John Smith) find it before his own coccyx gives out? Song: “I Am Too Debbie Reyolds.”

8:12 P.M.  Ch. 63  MY LITTLE SMOOGIE–Sitcom 

The most totally weird kid in the whole student body, Smoogie Gefilte (AI-created robot), is named principal of Meterbeater High–and the ousted principal (David Niven look-alike) wants revenge! Meanwhile, Smoogie is in the cafeteria, eating straws. This show was canceled when it was only halfway through production, so you know it must be special.

Well, how about those shows, me hearties? Me, I love those 17-minute movies. I’ll bet they could make ’em even shorter, if they tried.

3,078 Quokka Images, Stock Photos, 3D objects, & Vectors | Shutterstock

Be sure to grab a lot of yummy green leaves to sweeten your TV time!