Category: satire

Hillery She ‘Is’ A Preffesser Nhow!!!!!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

1.1901883-289460966

Doughnt mess whith Her!!!

I did not know this! Hillery, she is a Preffesser “at” Columbo Younavarsity!! Butt thats Not “awll!”!”

Wood yiu beleeve It??? She was “giving a” lexture, she Is “the” Smartist Wimmin in “the” whorld–and a hole buntch Of stoodints “thay” walkked Out “on” her!!!!

This heer “it Is” insterrecxion,, It is Treezin!!!!!! Themb stoodints thay shood Awl “be” “in” Jale!!! Like fourevver!!!!

Nhow Jobydin he Is dooing a phantatstic Jobb “as” pressadint butt he Cant doo It aloan!! It is tyme we changed The Consatusion back To waht “it Was” wen she Was Coe Pressadint!!!!! And Borat Obumma he shood “be” maid Pressadint of Pressadints!! Whith themb Three in charj,, our Couontry it whil fynelly Be Grate!!!!!!!

I cant Tell yiu waht her Lexture it “was awl” abuot,, it whent Way “oaver” my Hedd!!!!! Thats haow Smart Hillery she is!@!! Ordrinary peple thay Are jist “tooo” Dum to undder stand her!!!!

Our Stodent Soviet we Are draphting A Letter “to” Hillery aksing her To Be Coe Pressadint aggin!!!!!!!

 

‘We Have Hired an Academic Superstar!’ (2020)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Quokka - Album on Imgur

Quokka University made some notable progress in 2020–most notably of all, the hiring of international cleftonics icon Dr. Helmut Shimble as a professor of something or other.

We Have Hired an Academic Superstar!

Of course, it ain’t cheap hiring these superstars, they don’t work for nothing. We done found some of the money by taking it out of the English grammar budget. Like, we don’t need no grammar!

There’s also the very real prospect that no one who signs up for his course will ever learn anything–but that’s not the point, is it? This is Higher Education!

The Executioner Makes House Calls (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

[If that ain’t the best headline I ever wrote, I’ll eat my hat.]

“Dear reader,” says Violet Crepuscular, introducing Chapter DCLXXXIII (No, we do not know what happened to Chapter DCLXXXII) of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, “you may have heard that confession is good for the soul. But Willis Twombley could tell you that sometimes it’s not too good for the rest of you!” [You have no idea how hard it was to restrain her from stretching this sentence out to the fringes of the solar system. You want to be an editor!? I could’ve been a tire salesman…]

It turns out that Parliament has just passed a law forbidding anyone to feed cat food to a Church of England vicar. That is exactly what Willis Twombley has done, and word of it has spread like yogurt. (Don’t ask!) The new law carries a death penalty, although in this case the victim can receive the treatment at home.

“Hadn’t you better move on, old chap, before the traveling executioner gets here?” asks Lord Jeremy Coldsore.

“What–and miss the wedding?” Both men are to be married to Lady Margo Cargo, who believes them to be one and the same person. “Anyhow, there ain’t nothin’ easier than bribin’ an executioner to say he did the job when he didn’t.”

But what if this executioner doesn’t take a bribe?

“Tune in next week to find out!” writes The Queen of Suspense. “The day you can’t bribe a traveling executioner with a box of toothpaste sandwiches… well, it’s the day the music dies!”

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 28

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

TV Guide Magazine: The Cover Archive 1953 - today! | 1988 | March 12, 1988

{I couldn’t resist this TV Guide cover. This was the question that drove the Sphinx to jump off the cliff.)

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with your TV menu for the weekend. Best shows that were ever on the air! Like these–

7 P.M.   Ch. 33  BLANDED!–Dyslexic Western

Kevin Gupta stars as Jason Mason, drummed out of the U.S. Cavalry for mixing up his R’s and L’s. You can’t say “It was a gland palade” and get away with it. This week: “Plobrems with the Erection.” Genelar Glant: Petel Fark.

Ch. 61  61 MINUTES: THIS IS NEWS–No, it’s not

Co-anchors Popeye Schmidt and Fanny Vavoom lead a news team whose every member has had to be rescued from getting lost in small suburban parks. Sports anchor Wes Shambler got lost in his own living room! Tonight: Interview with presidential hopeful Ozzie Schlubb.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08   HOLD YOUR BREATH–Game show

How long can these contestants stay under water? Host Doc Swivvle asks the questions that must be answered correctly before you’re allowed a breath of air. (“What is the sound of one hand clapping?” gets ’em every time.) Special guest: This really cool guy we met somewhere.

8 P.M.  Ch. 42  THE DANCING DETECTIVES–Musical crime drama

The June Taylor Dancers star as the Detective Division of the Pinchy Corners, NJ, Police Dept.–and dance their way to the solution of the crime! This week: The old Batman villains scheme to throw the Dancers out of rhythm and trick them into dancing into a particularly nasty mud puddle. See if you can guess which villain is being played by Mary Stupid!

There–if that doesn’t rake in the viewers, I don’t know what will.

Playful Quokka Jumping

Here’s me trying out for the June Taylor Dancers!

P.S., to Those Who Have Advised Me to Relax: That’s just what I’m gonna do right now, for the rest of the day.

Collidge It ‘Is’ Nott “In’ Trubble!!!!!

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What happened at Minneapolis' 3rd Precinct — and what it means | 'The precinct is on fire' | APM Reports

Enrolemint down?? Hah!!! Then waddaya caul This???

We keeep heering “that” Hyer Eddication “it is” in Deep Doo-Doo and it is goingto Fale and Go Broak and no boddy thay whil Be Smart enny moar!!!!!! What a big fat lye!!!!!!

Now thayr Tell”ing” us enrolemint It Is down-down-Down!!! That its Down by oavur A Millyin stodents!!!! since 2020 but that “was” a badd yeer and evin Pressadint Jobydin he cuddnt “Saive” it!!!!

Well thats jist Krazy!!!!!!! Look at waht weeve “got!”!” Ginder Studdies!!! Nothing Studdies!! Trans Studdies!!!! Evry “kyned” Of Studdy yiu can thinck Of!!! And tuns and tuns of Stoodints all oavur The plaice!!!!!! (I seen themb!!!)

But nevvir myned!!!!! Heer “at” The Stodint Soviet, we has thunk up a Sollucion!!!

GOVVERMINT IT MUST ACKT!!!!!!!! Govvermint shood maik A Man Date!!!!

No maor foooling arownd!! Collidge it Must Be maid Cumplossary!!! No moar stayin hoam!!!! Evvry parson In Amairca thay “Must!!!” Go To Collidge and “stay thare” till thay get “a” Deegree!!!!!! Becose Eddacasion it “Is” Our Moast Impotent Produck!!!!!!! And this whay Thare wil has to Be “Moar Collidge” not Lest!!!!!!!

Of coarse iff Evvry Boddy thay “go to” collidge thenn The cuountry it whil knead Moar Collidges, moar prefessers, More bill dings, moar Pentions, and a lott Of us we whil Becumb prefessers and Nott jist Stoodints enny moar!!!!

I amb reddy to Teech!!!!!!

‘100% Genuine Fake News’ (2019)

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

How to Find a Dinosaur in Your Own Backyard | Macaroni KID Highlands Ranch-Parker-Castle Rock-Lone Tree

Back in 2019 it was politics; today it’s politics and war. If you’re as tired of reading the nooze as I am of writing it, let’s try this–just plain making it up. I’m sure none of our nooze media have ever done that before.

100% Genuine Fake News

P.S.–The ultimatum from YouTube: either pay $14 a month (kind of steep!) to go ad-free, or allow us to inundate you with crappy commercials. Otherwise no video for you. Like I have the time to sit there waiting for the ^%$&# commercial to be over…

The GOP’s Answer to the Dems’ Potted Plant

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Vice President Mike Pence Archived on X: "After riding in ...

His family’s bigger than his voter base. Maybe his family is his voter base.

A leading Democrat operative raised eyebrows a few days ago by saying, “With what we know now, we could run a potted plant for president–and win!” More eyebrows were raised when it became apparent that he really meant it.

But Republicans have not been idle. Intent on showing voters that he’d make a better president than some old potted plant, former Vice President Mike Pence held a rally in Iowa a few days ago… and 13 people showed up (https://revolver.news/2023/10/13-people-show-up-to-a-pence-event-in-iowa/).

“Those 13 people who came to hear me speak represent 13,000!” said the bruised reed, lean on it and it’ll pierce your hand. “And those 13,000 represent 13 million!” Where he’s getting this argument is not clear.

What that 2024 election will look like is anybody’s guess. There’s a slogan out there waiting to be picked up and used: “Vote for me, I’m better than nobody!” (A certain amount of ambiguity is always welcome in a campaign slogan.) Mr. Pence might be the first to grab it.

Win A Million Dollars $$$ In This Comment Contest!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

It Came From Beneath The Sea (1955) - Kaiju Battle

It’s time to unleash the mother of all comment contests. This’ll make the giant octopus that attacked San Francisco look like an hors d’ouevre. (Did I spell that right? Probably not.)

The lucky reader who posts the millionth comment will win a million dollars! And anything goes, too–even Kamala Harris-style word salad and inane cackling. I will only delete comments that I feel like deleting!

Go ahead, make like you don’t want a million dollars, you don’t need it. If you find someone who believes you, sell him your neighbor’s car.

The contest will run through the day after Halloween.

[Note: Offer void if I don’t have the money to pay.]

Confessions of Willis Twombley (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Violet Crepuscular, “The Queen of Suspense,” addresses her legions and multitudes of readers: “Legions over there, multitudes, there. Please stand at attention.

“If you have been following my epic romance, Oy, Rodney, as assiduously as you should, you will surely be expecting, any chapter now, the long-delayed wedding of Lord Jeremy Coldsore–either as himself or as Willis Twombley, the American adventurer who thinks he’s Sargon of Akkad–and Lady Margo Cargo.

“Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to wait a little longer. Something’s come up!”

Thus she introduces Chapter DCLXXXI of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. 

Lady Margo believes Lord Jeremy and Mr. Twombley are the same person. This is why the vicar went mad: he was going to have to officiate at the wedding.

But now, suddenly, Twombley has a change of heart, an awakening: some secrets can only be kept for so long. “Then they blow up!” asserts Ms. Crepuscular. In this case, it was Twombley’s neighbor’s hen house that blew up.

“There’s some things I gotta confess to you and Lady Margo, Germy, old boy! First, I’m not really Sargon of Akkad. That’s just a disguise to scare off the Babylonians. Second, I’ve already wed three wives. Third, if I try to say that last sentence really fast, I get tongue-tied. Fourth, I’ve shot some people that maybe I shouldn’t have. And fifth, I been feedin’ the vicar cat food on the sly, and it’s my fault he now thinks he’s a cat!”

The rest of the list, we are warned, doesn’t bear repeating.

I think I’ll go lie down.

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 21

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Tonight's US television… in 1972 - Schedules - Transdiffusion Broadcasting System

G’day–and only ten of ’em left till Halloween! Byron the Quokka here, with a weekend’s worth of dazzling TV guaranteed to make you grow another three inches. Here are a few samples.

6:30 P.M.   Ch. 09  MUCH ALIEN GROWTH ON YOUR BODY PARTS–Health and wellness

Chinese government TV produced this series in the 1960s, for reasons that have been lost in the archives. It was canceled when the host, Ren-ren Chiang, hired as a Chairman Mao look-alike, complained on the air about unsightly warts around his navel. He, too, has been lost in the archives.

Ch. 51  CLEON THE PEON–Situation tragedy

How does a former tyrant and money man adjust to being a slave in a houseful of zombies? Marco Schnitzel co-stars with The Near-sighted Mr. Magoo (voice of Jim Backus) in Croatia’s first TV show that combines live action with cartoons. Only six episodes were made before copyright infringement laws kicked in.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 16  WORD SALAD NEWS–Defies description

News is much more digestible when you have no idea what they’re talking about! Giggling Gloria Gotz anchors a team of inarticulate cackling “reporters” who can’t make themselves understood. Tonight: Babbling Bertha Bnix interviews Vice President Whatsername.

7 P.M.   Ch. 25  DR. FANABLA–Miracle cures

“I fell down the steps and now my coccyx is pointing the wrong way! It looks like a tail! Everyone makes fun of me!” This is the problem facing Dr. Fanabla tonight: Can his Alpine yodeling correct the condition? Featured: the Borax 20-Mule Team Band, conducted by a pair of armadillos.

7:28 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE–Musical with sinister overtones

What happens if you put Mecha-Godzilla up against the June Taylor Dancers? Tune in to Robot Monster vs. Tokyo (Japanese-Hittite, 1971: 2,419 minutes) and find out! See if you can catch Alfred Hitchcock’s cameo as one of the Dancers. A life-altering achievement! Roy Rogers: Himself.

Well, I can’t say that’ll get you all the way to Halloween, but it should at least get you to next weekend.

Cruzy Suzy - Sweet as pumpkin pie 🍂🍁🎃 #quokka #quokkas ...

Who says we can’t get pumpkins on Rottnest Island?