I admit it now: Tuesday I was too keyed up, and yesterday I was too depressed, to write my weekly Newswithviews column. After all, the only story in town was the election–and what could I have written that wouldn’t have been obsolete and out of date overnight?
But I thought you folks out there might want a Newswithviews column anyway, so here’s one from the last day of 2015:
Yeah, we waste our faith on unworthy objects of worship. People who think the Bible’s just a lot of silly stories believe every word they get from science fiction; and physicist Stanton Friedman says we ought to believe in UFOs because people who’ve been to college believe in that.
Win a tin-foil hat if you can think of any argument feebler than that!
Yeasterday hear At Collidge we herd abuot this hear Grate Ideer fromb Union Thealoggicable Semetary wood yiu Beleave “it” thay “are” confesting thare Sins “To” plants!!! Us in the Stodent Soviet we voated “rite” aweiagh to “maik it” Mandertorry for evry Boddy “here”!!!
Al of Us we “are” Interllecturals soe we “know” “thare” “is” no God but thare “are” Plants! and Plants thay are Reel!! Yiu “can” “sea” themb rihght hear!!!
But then some Biggit Racist Hater he sayed “iff Its A sin to eeat meeat then isnt It a Sin “to” eeat Plants tooo and then wat “are” yiu aloud To eeat??”” , wel we wernt goingto lissen to That!!! And annyhow sints i bin taking Moth Hoarmoans i can eeat hankerchiffts and jim sox and iff evry Boddy thay dose it then thay “can” eeat hankerchiffts and jim sox tooo!!!!! So ate ((*8!)) of Us we beet himb up!!!
The ownly thing “it” was Confuzing abuot this,, i alreddy lernt thare is no sutch thing “as” a Sin but this chick whith tatwos she stratened me Out quick!! Wyte Privvalidge it is a Sin! Just being Wyte it is a Sin!! If yiu has Moar Munny then some Boddy elsse thats A Sin tooo!! (Wel i dont has to whorry abote that i hasnt got no Munny at alll!!!!) Inter-Sexianalitty that is aslo a Sin!! So natcherly we can Confest all Theeze hear Sins “to” Plants–,,–and the Plants thay “will” heer our Confestions and Then Thay will do Nothing!!!!!! Like how Grate is that???
Why is anyone surprised? Union does ABC Theology–Anything But Christ. Union does “feminist theology” (like God is different for men and women–or whatever the devil it means) and goddess worship. There’s enough horse manure slung out of there every day to fertilize Mars.
They actually held some kind of “service” in which dunderheads did confess their sins to house plants. And one guy wanted to know why they weren’t confessing to whales and glaciers, too.
We are not told what happens after you confess your sins to a potted begonia. Does it forgive you? Does it cleanse you of your sins? Or does it just sort of sit there in the flower pot and do nothing, because when all is said and done it’s only a plant and you’re a heathen nincompoop for treating it like it was a god?
Another thing we’re not told is what, exactly, “sins” are being confessed? “Bless me, O begonia, for I have committed fornication…”? Nah. You know what? I don’t think I really want to know what the pagans at Union Theological Seminary would consider a sin. Not sure I could take it.
I wonder when was the last time anyone at Union read Romans Chapter 1? Maybe they ought to brush up on it, eh?
But they wouldn’t believe it if they read it, would they? All that stuff about not worshiping the created things, but only the Creator–what “teacher” at Union would ever teach that?