Tag: Quokka University

Byron’s TV Listings

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CTVA - US TV Listings - 1958

G’day! Byron the Quokka here with this weekend’s TV listings, brought to you–and don’t ask me how!–by Quokka University.

And it’s a good thing I’m here, because the other computer has practically driven Lee up the wall and I’m afraid the top of his head will blow clean off. Here on Rottnest Island, we call that “blowing the top of your head clean off.”

So unwind with some of the best TV on earth!

8 P.M.  CH 03  UNCLE BILLY–TRAGEDY

Still living in the mud puddle, Uncle Billy gets a hoot when a large grasshopper crawls up Mrs. Pandemic’s dress. Uncle Billy: John Gielgud  Mrs. Pandemic: Loretta Lynch   The Terminator: Arnold Schwarzenegger

CH 04  JAI ALAI ON ROLLER SKATES–SPORTS

The Ulan Bator Lake Smelts vs. Free & Independent News Media! Jai Alai played on roller skates is a whole new concept in sports, pioneered by Bernie Sanders and the United Nations Nit Commission. Losers get beheaded!  Announcers: Tony Kubek, Howard “Get Off Your” Duff

CH 07  HOLLYWOOD HOMUNCULI–GAME

Only one of the Hollywood stars on the panel is an actual human being! The other three have been dredged up from wells and other deep places of the earth. Under intense pressure that can hardly be imagined, contestants try to identify the real star before the three alien imposters do something really terrible! Host: Louisa May Alcott, with Francisco Franco and his orchestra

8:14 P.M.  CH 11  MOVIE–IMMATURE ADULTS

“Dog My Cats” (1952) Accidentally drafted into the Egyptian Navy, the Bowery Boys try all sorts of tricks to escape before the Suez Crisis happens! Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall  Nasser: Red Barber  Clairvoyant: Esther Williams  Soothsayer: Yogi Berra

8:30 P.M.  CH 05  IT’S A MATCH!–GAME SHOW

Host Christopher Lee randomly selects members of the studio audience and uses a panel of criminals to match them up for dates–after embarrassingly candid interviews! Music by The New Beatles and Hillary Clinton’s Good Time Charlies Kazoo Band.

Well, that’s enough for now; we don’t want anyone getting over-excited. This is Byron, signing off before they catch me.

PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the animal an Instgaram famous star

Byron’s TV Listings

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for images of 1959 TV listings

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, on Rottnest Island. I hear a lot of you Yanks have been snowed in, can’t get out and have fun. Well, it looks like I’m here with more TV listings just in time! We don’t want you going mad with cabin fever, do we?

So here are the Quokka University Broadcast System’s (see? we’ve got a name for it now) offerings for this weekend. Happy viewing, everybody!

8 p.m.   03  MY MOTHER THE NEWT (Sitcom) Harry and Debbie get kicked off their middle school band when Mr. Roomba discovers their mother is a giant newt. Can Uncle Beefy, a rather large frog, save the day? Mr. Roomba: Ricardo Montalban. Uncle Beefy: Dick Cavett.

05  NEWS WITH RUDE NOISES  (News and Weather)  The same news you got on all the other channels, but this time with crude and impolite noises in the background. Anchorman’s identity still unknown.

8:10 P.M.  05  MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM  “I Hear Earwigs Singing” (1971)  The Bowery Boys take on a mad grocer (Colin Clive) who has been flouting London’s health codes–in Yuma, Arizona. Leo Gorcey, Huntz Hall, Chou En-lai. Special guest appearance by Elias Howe, inventor of the sewing machine.

8:39 P.M.  04  TRAGEDY PLAYHOUSE  (Drama) “When You Lose That Beat” combines Oedipus Rex with Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom for a totally incomprehensible waste of 93 minutes. Guaranteed to impress your friends and family, if you say you watched the whole thing. Oedipus: Rory Calhoun. Marlon Perkins: himself. Music by Bobby Fischer and his Orchestra.

8:45 P.M.  07, 11, 13  SLUGGO POTASH, GUNSLINGER!  (Western, as if you didn’t know)  In “Duel at the Lost City of the Poptecs,” Sluggo (Darren McGavin) must shoot it out with his arch-enemy, Mitch McConnell, who has made himself dictator of a lost city inhabited by people no one ever heard of. King Axolotl: Jon Hall. Princess Chipotle: Joey Heatherton. High Priest: Soupy Sales.

Well, that’s enough for now! I still don’t know how we got our hands–I mean our paws–on all these shows, and I’m sure I don’t want to.

Quokka U. to Offer Degree in Piracy

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003 :: Pirates :: Family Fun Old Time Photos in Kissimmee, Florida

[Editor’s Note: The nooze today is the same old cow-flop we had last week. Now turn we unto Quokka University.]

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, at Quokka University, with an announcement that’s guaranteed to shiver your timbers!

Alone among the world’s centers of Higher Education, Quokka U. has announced a four-year degree program in… Piracy! Aye, matey, I sez piracy! Avast! We has it all, sez I–treasure maps, walking the plank, crazy coats and hats, bottles o’ rum, cannons and cutlasses–everything you need to cut a fine figure on the Spanish Main!

50 Quokka Facts: Smiling, Baby-Flinging, Selfie Kings! | Everywhere Wild

Living as we do on an island, a lot of us quokkas have thought about turning pirate. But we didn’t know how! I mean, we drew up our own treasure maps and then went looking for the treasure, and never found any. Davy Jones must’ve laughed his keister off. I mean, look at that picture of me: you’re gunner make a pirate out of that?

Well, blow me down! Now ain’t that just what we been lookin’ for?

Scholarships are going to be made available. For information, call your local mayor’s office.

Quokkas Protest!

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G’day–or not! Byron the Quokka here, from Quokka University on Rotnest Island.

At an emergency meeting today of the entire faculty, we have voted unanimously to lodge the strongest possible protest to a scheme to include us in some flimgop novel with Joe Collidge and all those nincompoops in Scurveyshire. Plus toothpaste recipes by Violet Crepuscular! Crikey! Does it get more undignified than that?

Our protest has been written down on 100% recycled paper! The unimportance of that cannot be overstated. How would you like having to listen to Constable Chumley try to teach Joe Collidge the history of England? Well, mate, not at our university you don’t! We’re almost ready to start our first semester, and we don’t need that.

Here at QU, we uphold the highest standards of literature–or will, once we find out what they are.

 

 

We’ve Hired a Life Coach!

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Habits and Traits of Jumping Spiders

Every university needs a life coach, and Quokka U. is no exception. And now we’ve got one!

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, and I’d like you to meet our new life coach for staff and students alike–Dr. Horatio Fantod!

As you’ve already guessed from the picture, Dr. Fantod is a jumping spider. He had already set up shop as Rotnest Island’s premier (and only) life coach, and although nobody knows where he earned his doctorate, all his clients think very highly of him. Besides which, he works cheap.

The good thing about him is, he always gives the same advice, the same for everybody, so there are never any difficult surprises. As he puts it, “No matter how you may have messed up your life, you can always make it better with a nice, tasty leaf-hopper! Or any other kind of insect you can catch.”

The bad thing is, he’s so small and consequently has a very small voice. So before he can advise you how to fix up your life by catching insects, he has to crawl up onto your ear and sort of shout into the hole. That’s a bad thing because it tickles! And you have to be careful not to laugh or jiggle your head because then he might fall into your ear and have to climb out–and that tickles even worse. It’s happened to me.

Dr. Fantod’s counseling sessions are free of charge, so we won’t have to raise the tuition to keep him around. As long as he can come out of the rain, he’s happy. And so are we!

 

University to Offer Course Credit for Christmas Carols!

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quokka | Quokka, Happy animals, Animals beautiful

And what university would that be, old sport? None other than Quokka U.! And that’s me, Byron, hastening to bring the news.

Yes, now you can get course credit in any course you want, just for entering Lee’s Second Annual Christmas Carol Contest. Doesn’t matter what your major is–it’s two credits for every carol you enter into the contest. I know one quokka who’s halfway to his diploma before the University has even opened, before he’s signed up for a single course–just by coming up with Christmas carols.

But I also need to bring up an unrelated subject: systemic phobophobia. The unimportance of this cannot be overemphasized.

Phobophobia is the problem no one cares about. In fact, I don’t even know what it is. I’m just reading off a crumpled piece of paper somebody found wrapped around a popsicle stick.

Back to what matters! So many of you have never requested a hymn or suggested a carol. That’s why we’re offering course credits! Just think of all the time you won’t have to spend dremmeling away in a classroom!

And believe me–a Quokka University degree is worth its weight in eucalyptus leaves.

 

Quokka U. Calls Time Out from Nooze

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Ethical animal tours: Quokka selfies, Thailand elephants — what to avoid | escape.com.au

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, and that’s one of my baby pictures with Mom and a nice, tasty leaf. I thought it’d make a nice change from the nooze.

As you know–well, you’d know if you were paying attention!–Quokka University is now without a Philosophy Dept. How do we fill the void?

Well, our Quokka U. Pick-Up Sticks team has stepped into the breach! Really, you can’t go wrong with pick-up sticks–especially once you’ve quickly whipped up a course on Philosophy and Pick-Up Sticks 101!

Pick up Sticks Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Believe it or not, there’s all sorts of life lessons you can learn from pick-up sticks. Like, when to grab for something and when to leave it alone. Isn’t it just awful when you try to grab something that you ought to have left alone, and leave something alone that you ought to have grabbed? As one of our great poets once said, “Learn the tricks of pick-up sticks!” T.S. Eliot, I think.

So lay off the nooze for the rest of the day! Have a bloomin’ Klondike Bar. Watch Attack of the Crab Monsters (we’re going to have a course in that movie, once we get going). Jump around a bit. Dig nice holes in the ground. You can always go back to the nooze tomorrow. It’ll still be there.

Take it from a quokka–pick-up sticks keeps you from burning out. This is why there are no crazy quokkas.

A Sad Day for Quokka U.

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Daxon the Quokka on Twitter: "Happy Quokka Monday!!! What a tıme to smile🐻😘😍 Photo by @eatsnorexplore - tag #quokkahub for features #quokka #HappyQuokkaMonday #australia #quokkas #rottnestisland #rottnest #perth #wildlife #animals… https://t.co ...

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with distressing news from Quokka University.

Before we could open our doors to our first class, we’ve had to fire the chairman of our Philosophy Dept., who was also going to teach all the philosophy courses.

We began to have doubts about him a few weeks ago when he started confronting quokkas and asking questions that we couldn’t answer. Like these.

“What did Thutmosis III say when he ran out of potato chips?”

“What is the difference between here and there?” (That one always made him laugh maniacally.)

“How do you tell which ants in the anti-hill are racists?”

So that’s that for Professor Humphrey Dumfries. He has since sent us this post card.

Straitjacket Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

You are probably thinking he has been committed to a hospital. In fact, he was almost instantly hired by Rutgers University in America, to head their Philosophy Dept. They only make him wear the straitjacket so he won’t harm anybody during his lectures.

As for us, we suddenly find ourselves without a Philosophy Dept. There is a cuscus who might agree to chair it, if she can overcome her shyness.

We’ve Hired a Professor!

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Taking Selfies With The Happy Quokka Has Been Banned In Australia | Happy animals, Cute animals, Quokka

G’day from Quokka University! Byron here: and, as chairquokka of our Political Science Dept., I wish to announce the hiring of an associate professor! Hired by me, in fact. Trumpets, please! May I introduce our first associate professor of political science…here he is…

NORBERT

Norbert the therapy dog!

I hired him because you can hardly believe how sharply he can change direction, even while running at full speed. This is an invaluable skill in politics! Human politicians take pride in their ability to zig-zag, but Norbert puts them all to shame.

I have assigned him to teach Sharp Turns 101 and Being For It, Then Against It 202.

Did I mention he works cheap? Well, he only weighs three pounds, it’s not like you have to feed him a lot. No need to raise the tuition just to feed Professor Norbert.

As for the burning question, “What is the tuition?”, well, don’t look at me, I’m the Poli Sci Dept.! See if you can find the registrar, Aunt Feezy the Quokka, and ask her. I think I saw her going into the mangrove swamp.

We Have Hired an Academic Superstar!

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Quokka - Album on Imgur

G’day! Byron the Quokka here–patting myself on the back because Quokka University is almost ready to open and I have been instrumental in hiring an academic superstar to jazz up our faculty.

Eat your heart out, Oxford! Cry me a river, Harvard! There’s only one Professor Helmut Shimble, and we’ve got him!

But it wasn’t easy: we can’t afford the kind of salary Prof. Shimble’s used to, so we had to make it up to him in perks. That made for delicate negotiations! To name just a few of those perks:

*The cafeteria has to serve him anything he wants, whenever he wants it.

*He doesn’t have to share his canvas shelter with anyone.

*Everyone will have to read his book, Advanced Principles of Subaqueous Cleftonics, and say they liked it.

*The university will not be informed of the content of his classes.

*No one is allowed in his classroom while he’s teaching. That includes students. He finds students a distraction.

Talk about prestige! This is one of the top ten most famous university professors in the world–almost as famous as that other guy somewhere, I forget his name, he’s on Youtube or something. But the mere presence of Professor Helmut Shimble on campus has instantly elevated Quokka U. to the highest rank of higher education. Three cheers for us!