Killer ‘On The’ Looose!!!

Amazon.com: Post Fruity Pebbles Cereal 20.5 oz. Box

Man, I jist heered fromb somb boddy he seen it “on” TV, “thare is” a Cereal Killer on “The” llooose!!!!!!!! He “is” going Araond to collidge kampusses and murdring stoodints and prefesters!!!

Whhat kynde “Of” Cereal is he yusing??? Whatt kynde “of” Cereal doo his Vicktumbs eet?? And we deefunddid the Poleece so The Stoodint Soviet thay whil has to ketch this heer Crimmnal!!!!!!

I aksed “whoose he kilt So Faar”?”? but this heer gye he toled me the TV “it” didnt Say!! He been in Kandziz, Oaklerhoama, Spane, and somb plaice cauled Tartarus–awl of themb “Are” plaices “ware thay” eet Cereal!!!! Thare mussed Be “a” conniption!!! But lyke Shorlock Homes he oncet sayed,, “Oncet yiu “has” extopiated the Impermeeable,, then the implodable it Mussed “be” true!”!”!!”

We are advyzed Not To eet enny Cereal at awl until thay Ketch the Killer!!! He wast lasst sceen hanging aout By “the” Lucky Charms!!!!

‘Do Libs Love America?’ (2016)

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They said it; and they meant it.

If you believe American liberals love their country, you’ll believe anything.

You don’t impose radical changes on whatever it is you love.

Do Libs Love America?

At this very point in our history, it needs to be shouted from the housetops that our own home-grown Left is trying to do to us what Hitler and Tojo couldn’t do with all their armies and navies–and for the same reason.

We are in a fight to the death for our country and our way of life, and I don’t mean maybe.

Yesterday was D-Day, in case you hadn’t noticed.

God grant we didn’t wage that war in vain.

‘Stupid Masterminds!’ (2012)

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Here’s a stupid thing imposed on us by stupid government–monkeying around with the time, and calling it Daylight Savings Time–when all it is, is getting up 20 minutes early and find yourself already 40 minutes late.

Stupid Masterminds!

Fictional villains can’t afford to be big stupid idiots. Readers wouldn’t stand for it. Prof. Moriarty has to be at least as smart as Sherlock Holmes or you don’t have a story. All you have then is The Swamp.

‘Do Libs Love America?’ (2016)

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It’s not in a liberal’s DNA to love his own country; he’s lucky if he can barely tolerate it. So American liberals detest America, British libs hate Britain, and so on.

Do Libs Love America?

With all their talk of “change,” they never make it quite clear what they want to change our country into. To find out, add up all the things they say they’re for and try to imagine the total. Try to imagine an America with open borders, jail for climate change skeptics, “heterosexuality isn’t working,” a 70% tax rate, “free college,” guaranteed income for people who choose not to work, and speech codes out the wazoo.

Now try to imagine Sherlock Holmes as a Mexican peasant…

 

The Race for Eternal Life

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The monkey juice doesn’t do much for his posture.

Companies race to find the key to eternal life–I thought it was click-bait, but I clicked anyway.

It’s a Market Watch article about companies investing hundreds of millions of dollars, worldwide, in various scientific schemes to “reverse aging” (https://www.marketwatch.com/story/companies-race-to-find-the-key-to-eternal-life-2019-08-19).

This is not new. In 1923 Arthur Conan Doyle published a Sherlock Holmes story, The Adventure of the Creeping Man, in which an elderly professor, obsessed by his desire to marry a young woman, tries to restore his own youth by dosing himself with an “extract” from monkeys. It debases and degrades him, with Holmes and Watson only narrowly preventing a tragedy. Such “science,” reflects Holmes, would lead to a calamity for the human race: “It would be the survival of the least fit.”

Which brings us back up to 2019.

Perpetual youth would be bound to be expensive. Only the rich and the powerful, and great criminals, could afford it: “the least fit.” Trust Holmes to get it right.

In a Godless age, Godless men and women look to their idols, science and the state, to do for them all the things that God has promised to do–only of course they don’t believe in Him. Let’s be smart! Let’s give incredible and unprecedented powers to fools and sinners! And they’ll take us to Utopia, by cracky!

Think about it–another 700 years of being lorded over by every power-hungry jidrool in Congress, Hollywood, and Wall Street. All the ones we’ve got now, forever.

If that doesn’t make you run screaming back to the Bible, what will?

The Art of Crime–Not

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From the Daytona Beach News-Journal, June 11:

I’d counsel these would-be burglars, “Don’t quite your day job,” but I doubt they have day jobs.

These two non-masterminds tried to break into the Daytona Spyshop by breaking the window with a sledge hammer. Two problems with that: the window was specially designed to resist breakage, so although they struck it 56 times, they couldn’t get it; and the Daytona Spyshop, which sells hi-tech security equipment, was, of course, equipped with security cameras which recorded the entire incident. Including the make, model, and license plate number of the getaway car.

Police expect to catch them rather soon.

This caper isn’t likely to make the Sherlock Holmes casebook.

What an age we live in, where even the burglars are chuckleheads.

Do Libs Love America?

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I really love Sherlock Holmes stories, but I wish I could rewrite them, because they need some big changes.

First I’d drop that Watson character like a hot potato, and then I’d drop that whole 221B Baker Street, London, England, foggy streets etc. I would shift the setting from Victorian England to… yes! modern-day state of Chiapas, Mexico. And that detective business has got to go, too. Who wants to read about all that crime? Instead of a detective, I would make Holmes a peaceful Mexican peasant, and the stories would be about how hard he has to work to grow his crops. And for that matter I’d change his name, too: who ever heard of a Mexican peasant named Sherlock Holmes? From now on, his name will be Jose Santiago Olmos…

Now does that sound like I really love Sherlock Holmes?

Actually, it sounds like liberals spouting their alleged love for America.

If you love your country, you’re not always trying to impose drastic changes on every facet of its culture, politics, and economy: why would you want to radically change something that you love? It would be like turning Sherlock Holmes into a Mexican peasant. And if you love your country, you certainly don’t waste half your breath denouncing it as a racist, sexist, transphobic, homophobic, Planet-destroying hell-hole.

No, it simply isn’t honest, when Democrats and other liberals let on that they love America.

No kind of love can account for the things they say and do; but hate and detestation can.

Book Review, ‘The Compleat Werewolf’

While you’re waiting for my next book to come out (I can dream), here’s a little feast of some of the finest science fiction and fantasy short stories ever written.

Anthony Boucher–writer, editor, Sherlock Holmes expert, radio scriptwriter, critic, equally at home in fantasy, science fiction, and mystery–wrote these stories in the 1940s and they’re still great today. The Compleat Werewolf leads the contents, a novelette not quick like anything you’ve ever read before: what if you really could be a werewolf? What problems might you encounter that you never, ever thought of?

Then there’s They Bite, one of the scariest short stories you’ll ever read; and Mr. Lupescu, which packs not one but two surprise endings.

We’re talking here about a guy who could write a story about Martian archaeologists digging up Earth’s distant past (in The Greatest Tertian) and trying to reconstruct human history… with Sherlock Holmes as its central figure. This one’s not in this anthology, but just think about it and you’ll have an idea of what Anthony Boucher could do.

A Serial Poisoner Stalks Broken Hill

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Ready for some good old stuff?

In The Bachelors of Broken Hill (1950),  by Arthur Upfield, a prosperous mining city in the interior of Australia is the hunting ground for some unknown person who uses cyanide–a deadly poison, but easily obtained in those days–to murder elderly bachelors: in broad daylight, and in public places. When the local police, inexperienced in such bizarre crimes, can’t crack the case, Inspector Napoleon Bonaparte (“Bony” to his friends) has to take over.

Bony, half-white, half-aboriginal, has never failed to finalize a case. He is one of the most fascinating fictional detectives ever created, on a par with Sherlock Holmes. I know, that’s easy to say, but I really mean it. Upfield wrote several dozen Bony books, from the late 1930s into the early 1960s, and all I can say is, I wish he’d written more!

Usually Bony works in the Australian Outback, a world which Arthur Upfield knew intimately, and which he excels in bringing to life for the reader. It’s as if Australia itself were a major character in these stories.

But this time Bony has to do his detecting in a city, where his special gifts seem to be inapplicable.

To complicate matters, there’s another killer on the loose–a criminally insane magician.

Now, I haven’t yet read the last two chapters, so I can’t spoil it for you by telling you how Bony solves the case. But it has been a wild ride. The mystery in hand is truly devilish: Upfield was a master of creating suspense, and in this book (as in a few others), a real sense of creepiness.

If you like mysteries, treat yourself to some of these novels. Many of them are available on amazon.com, kindle or paperback, even a few used hardbacks. Arthur Upfield was a great writer, whom Australia ought to have declared a national treasure. Thankfully, online book outlets have made him easily available to American readers. For a time there it looked like he was just going to be allowed to go out of print; but I think amazon and Alibris and the others may have saved him.

We cannot afford to lose books like this!