Yep, superheroes need “a cultural reckoning,” she babbled, blaming “superhero creators for being white men”–forsooth, for being (gasp!) “straight white men.” So the world needs “more creators of color,” yatta-yatta. Uh, so who’s stopping “creators of color” from creating their own superheroes?
Our existing superheroes, she complained, are “vigilantes” who “decide the parameters of justice” without any oversight committee to ride herd over them.
Superheroes are dull, annoying, and vapid at their best. People used to outgrow them, but not anymore. But to make them even more dull, annoying, and vapid, this lulu at Time sez superheroes from now on ought to “reckon with issues of systemic racism”–which is imaginary, and only Far Left Crazy types believe in it–along with other burning issues like transphobia, homophobia, and phobophobia, etc.
Assorted “critics” have objected to this essay, perhaps moved by a suspicion that bad movies should not be made worse. A movie which you watch to relax shouldn’t be turned into a nagathon. It shouldn’t pepper you with woke crapola.
What do we have to do to shut these people up?
Honk if you think we need to bring back the ducking stool.
Scripture is full of heroes, real heroes–the Apostles, David, the judges, the prophets, and more. But they’re all real heroes. And heroines! Real people who do what has to be done, and can do it because they have faith and God helps them.
The whole superhero thing has begun to make me queasy. Like, who needs God when you’ve got superheroes?
We do, bhai! We do. And now more than ever.
Make a friend of this fallen world, as God’s word warns us not to do, and it’ll bite you with poisoned fangs.
Alas, the X-Men have been told their name is obsolete. They were good enough to let a bunch of female superheroes into their club, and by including them, they laid themselves open to being called uninclusive. So Marvel Comics’ executive vice president says the X-Men brand is outdated. Looks like they’re gonna need a new one.
“X-Persons”? Wow, doesn’t that have a ring to it!
And I just thought of another promble with “X-Men.” What if somebody who doesn’t know comic books should hear that as “Ex-men”? They might think “former men.” Trannies, maybe.
How about “X-Bipeds”? Or “X-Living Organisms”? Nah, not inclusive enough.
Ooh-ooh, I’ve got it! The new name for the X-Men!
There! Absolutely can’t beat that. Problem solved!
There are rumors that “gay” scenes were cut from the movie, but Marvel Studios says no, never happened.
Obviously the only thing that’ll float their boat is another movie featuring a “gay” superhero with a fabulous cape. The Calico Catamite. The Silver Sod. Filigree Fairy. I mean, really–you’re Hollywood, you just can’t sleep at night unless you’ve done something to befoul our culture.
And then some other victim identity group will be jealous and there’ll have to be a caped superhero for them, too. The wheelchair-bound, in-a-coma, lactose intolerant, here illegally, totally incompetent, unintelligible, ADHD superhero with shaving cream on her head instead of hair.
Oh–and please watch out for intersectionality. Y’know what? It just totally doesn’t matter what that is.
Now you, too, can be a superhero! With a costume, no less!
Simply send a $500 Target Gift Card to Super-Powers “R” Us in Foshkaloksha, Uzbekistan, and you will receive our Official Superhero Starter Kit.
This lavishly-illustrated 25-page pamphlet will tell you everything you need to know about designing your own superhero costume, developing whatever super-powers you want to have–invisibility, super-strength, X-ray vision, flying, mind-reading: you name it, it’s yours!–and how to go about fighting crime, rescuing people, and stopping natural disasters like floods and hurricanes.
This is the very same pamphlet that made Sean Facehead of Ollantallambocuxhi, Bolivia, into Wow Man, the Invincible Caped Flying Man of the Andes. Don’t take our word for it–ask him!
Make sure you have the Target Gift Card made out to “Bearer.”
We’ll send it right back to you if you aren’t a genuine superhero within 365 business days.