A Quick Question!

Tee-Shirt Superman Logo With A Blue Question Mark - Black-White-Tshirt.com

I don’t know that anyone has ever asked this question, let alone answered it:

How does Superman get a haircut?

I mean, he’s invulnerable, right? Indestructible. Bullets bounce off him like spitballs. So isn’t his hair like the rest of him? If you could cut his hair, wouldn’t you be able to cut him?

By now he ought to look like Cousin Itt from The Addams Family.

And how would he cut his toenails and fingernails? The scissors or nail clippers would just break–right?

Someone ought to have thought these things through.

More and More Ridiculous

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So what have they done about systemic racism lately?

The Ban Everything movement has moved on to… superheroes, in a piece written by some airhead at Time Magazine (https://www.foxnews.com/media/time-magazine-superheroes) who does not appear to understand that superheroes aren’t real.

Yep, superheroes need “a cultural reckoning,” she babbled, blaming “superhero creators for being white men”–forsooth, for being (gasp!) “straight white men.” So the world needs “more creators of color,” yatta-yatta. Uh, so who’s stopping “creators of color” from creating their own superheroes?

Our existing superheroes, she complained, are “vigilantes” who “decide the parameters of justice” without any oversight committee to ride herd over them.

Superheroes are dull, annoying, and vapid at their best. People used to outgrow them, but not anymore. But to make them even more dull, annoying, and vapid, this lulu at Time sez superheroes from now on ought to “reckon with issues of systemic racism”–which is imaginary, and only Far Left Crazy types believe in it–along with other burning issues like transphobia, homophobia, and phobophobia, etc.

Assorted “critics” have objected to this essay, perhaps moved by a suspicion that bad movies should not be made worse. A movie which you watch to relax shouldn’t be turned into a nagathon. It shouldn’t pepper you with woke crapola.

What do we have to do to shut these people up?

Honk if you think we need to bring back the ducking stool.

‘Comic Book to Offer “Trans” Super Hero’ (2016)

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I refuse to post a picture of a “trans” anything. Here’s a lightning bug instead.

Look at that: four years ago they were already ramming “transgender” down our throats.

Comic Book to Offer ‘Trans’ Super Hero

Scripture is full of heroes, real heroes–the Apostles, David, the judges, the prophets, and more. But they’re all real heroes. And heroines! Real people who do what has to be done, and can do it because they have faith and God helps them.

The whole superhero thing has begun to make me queasy. Like, who needs God when you’ve got superheroes?

We do, bhai! We do. And now more than ever.

Make a friend of this fallen world, as God’s word warns us not to do, and it’ll bite you with poisoned fangs.

A Superhero Quandary

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It’s a freakin’ comic book!

You think it’s easy being a superhero? Hah! If only it were just a matter of saving the world, yeah, sure, they can handle that. But all this other stuff–! Like for instance:

https://www.newsarama.com/45468-marvel-studios-exec-calls-x-men-name-outdated.html

Alas, the X-Men have been told their name is obsolete. They were good enough to let a bunch of female superheroes into their club, and by including them, they laid themselves open to being called uninclusive. So Marvel Comics’ executive vice president says the X-Men brand is outdated. Looks like they’re gonna need a new one.

“X-Persons”? Wow, doesn’t that have a ring to it!

And I just thought of another promble with “X-Men.” What if somebody who doesn’t know comic books should hear that as “Ex-men”? They might think “former men.” Trannies, maybe.

How about “X-Bipeds”? Or “X-Living Organisms”? Nah, not inclusive enough.

Ooh-ooh, I’ve got it! The new name for the X-Men!

Brand X.

There! Absolutely can’t beat that. Problem solved!

Oh, Noooo! No Gays in ‘Black Panther’

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There’s just no pleasing leftids. They’ve got their first black superhero in his first black superhero comic book movie, The Black Panther–and they’re beefing about there being no “gays” in the movie (http://sandrarose.com/2018/02/black-panther-packed-action-diversity-no-gays/).

There are rumors that “gay” scenes were cut from the movie, but Marvel Studios says no, never happened.

Obviously the only thing that’ll float their boat is another movie featuring a “gay” superhero with a fabulous cape. The Calico Catamite. The Silver Sod. Filigree Fairy. I mean, really–you’re Hollywood, you just can’t sleep at night unless you’ve done something to befoul our culture.

And then some other victim identity group will be jealous and there’ll have to be a caped superhero for them, too. The wheelchair-bound, in-a-coma, lactose intolerant, here illegally, totally incompetent, unintelligible, ADHD superhero  with shaving cream on her head instead of hair.

Oh–and please watch out for intersectionality. Y’know what? It just totally doesn’t matter what that is.

This is what happens to a Godless civilization.

You Can Be a Superhero!

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Now you, too, can be a superhero! With a costume, no less!

Simply send a $500 Target Gift Card to Super-Powers “R” Us in Foshkaloksha, Uzbekistan, and you will receive our Official Superhero Starter Kit.

This lavishly-illustrated 25-page pamphlet will tell you everything you need to know about designing your own superhero costume, developing whatever super-powers you want to have–invisibility, super-strength, X-ray vision, flying, mind-reading: you name it, it’s yours!–and how to go about fighting crime, rescuing people, and stopping natural disasters like floods and hurricanes.

This is the very same pamphlet that made Sean Facehead of Ollantallambocuxhi, Bolivia, into Wow Man, the Invincible Caped Flying Man of the Andes. Don’t take our word for it–ask him!

Make sure you have the Target Gift Card made out to “Bearer.”

We’ll send it right back to you if you aren’t a genuine superhero within 365 business days.