Year: 2020

Birthday Greetings: Phoebe

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G’day! You’re all knocked out from that party yesterday, I see. Movin’ kinda slow!

Well, rise and shine, mates: because today is Phoebe’s birthday and we want to make a big splash over it!

Byron the Quokka here, to present your birthday greetings to Phoebe–as Willis Twombley would say, We love you, Ol’ Hoss! Actually we really do. Don’t think you can ever come to Rottnest Island and get away without being named to the faculty at Quokka University. And did I mention we already have a Dr. Phoebe Hall? Our pickup stix team practices there.

Make sure you enjoy yourself today!

‘When Fools Play God’ (2016)

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You have to study a lot of history, and be well up on current events, to understand why the Bible comes down so strongly on idolatry.

When Fools Play God

Because it’s the root of so much evil, that’s why! Really, read that “Humanist Manifesto II” sometime: these people are freakin’ crazy.

And it all starts with worshiping the work of your own hands.

By Request, ‘What Began in a Manger’

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Christmas isn’t over yet–not here, at any rate–and we still have a carol contest going.

Entered by Erlene–What Began in a Manger, by Carroll Roberson.

If you haven’t entered yet–well, the contest closes Dec. 31.

Cat Delinquents

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We have never had an artificial Christmas tree, so we’ve never had cats trying to climb them. For some reason none of our cats has ever tried to climb our Christmas tree. Mostly they love to sleep under it–but that makes for rather dull video.

Well, our cyber-Christmas party is still going strong, and none of the cats, dogs, rabbits, or iguanas who’ve attended have made the slightest bit of trouble.

A Movie for Our Cyber-Christmas Party

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Mickey Rooney Eddie Bracken A Slight Case of Larceny 1953 movie photo 21941 | eBay

Let’s throw in a laugh-yourself-silly movie along with all the other festivities in our cyber-Christmas party!

A Slight Case of Larceny stars Mickey Rooney and Eddie Bracken as two extremely silly guys who acquire a failing gas station and get rich quick by stealing gas from the big station across the street. Big Business tries to crush these guys, but they underestimate the power of sheer looniness.

It’s not a famous movie, but it is screamingly funny. Patty can’t remember exactly how she found it for us: it wasn’t an easy search. But it’s worth it–you’ll laugh your socks off.

Meanwhile, it looks like a hot Monopoly game is starting in the parlor, next to the table with the fried calamari rings and Erlene’s brownies. I once made a heaping dish of squid-rings for a Christmas party, it took me literally all day in the kitchen, and they were gobbled up to the last crumb in just five minutes. So much easier to whip up imaginary snacks!

I Amb Sick Agen!!!!

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We hadded A spacial Party “last” nite four Al “the” Stoodint Soviet, it wasnt crissmiss Eave, we hadded a Pressadint Obomma Paarty insted “and” It was reely Grate axept the Gye we “wher” “goingto” Sackrafise he runned “away” And we coodnit cache himb so we hadded to Sackrafise somb Card Bored insted!!!

And aslo we had spagetty “and” Meetbolls maid “out” Of Play@Doh becose it is sexist to eet meet so we ated Play-Doh and i mustof ated tooo mutch and nhow i pheel so Sick!!!!!!!!!! i coodnit harrdlie “get out” Of bedd too-day and so fore Brexfisst i ated somb Tisshoo Payper but That it “didnt” Help At Alll!!!!!

Oh i amb goingto heeve!!!

Whe was goingto has “anether” Party too-day for Pressadint Hillery but i has herd “that” evry Boddy thay Are awl too Sick to cellarbraite;; mayby we shoodnitof drinked that stuph that comes Out “of” Car battaryes it was Sappozed to get us High!!! and swallering Alka Seltser on topp “of” It that didnt Help ether!!!!

I cant rite no “moar” i amb pheeling wooozy!!!

Let’s Start the Party!

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Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s Christmas Day! Christ our Savior is born! So we whoop it up.

As of this moment, we open the doors to my imaginary Victorian mansion to all who wish to attend our cyber-Christmas party. That’s me on my imaginary harpsichord. I hope somebody brings an accordion. You can’t have a polka without an accordion.

Come one, come all! They won’t let us get together for a normal Christmas, and everybody I know lives so terribly far away–but to the imagination, all distances are imaginary. So let’s get together for good cheer, good food, fun and games and singing–and who wants to join me on the porch for a good cigar, while we watch the snow come down? Don’t worry, we won’t have to shovel it.

I’ve given Crusty the butler the day off, so just open the door and announce yourself–with a comment–and come right on in. Let’s see how many of us we can can jam into our cyber-living room.

All pets are welcome, too.

Man and Cat: It’s Complicated

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My father was a big softy: which was why so many people loved him. But he always tried to hide this aspect of himself… fooling nobody. Every dog knew this man could be had.

Our cat Henry was a very discerning feline. If I had let him pick my friends, I would’ve done better. He had little use for most of the people we brought into our home. They could “kitty-kitty!” him all they liked and he still wouldn’t go near them.

So there’s my father sitting on the rocking chair in our living room, discoursing on how much he loves dogs but cats, nah, not his cup of tea, never could warm up to cats. You big faker, you. Because there’s choosy, discriminating Henry sitting on his lap! Purring. And getting petted.

Your animals know who’s good, who’s not. Don’t be afraid to trust them.

Joshua & Jeremy, ‘The First Noel’

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Here are our own friends and esteemed colleagues, Joshua and Jeremy, with an instrumental performance of The First Noel. Hey, guys–bring your guitars to the cyber-Christmas party!

‘Beat Global Warming: Don’t Work!’ (2013)

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Don’t work, be happy!

As “Unknowable” pointed out, imaginary problems requre imaginary solutions!

Like this one.

Beat Global Warming: Don’t Work!

Yeah, this’ll work! Everybody stop working, and The Government will give you all the free stuff you need from now on. As an economic theory, this beats rubbing your floor lamp until a genie comes out to grant your wishes. Would you believe it was the product of a “think tank”? More like a drunk tank.

As a fantasy novelist, I believe I’m qualified to say that fantasy can make for great entertainment but is a truly lousy basis for public policy.