Category: satire

I Annalize the Debait

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for hillary clinton big mouth

Ha-ha stopid Lee he had to go outt so i can “get” in “hear” and annalize the Pressadental De-Bait “thay had Last” nihgjt and HILLERY SHE WON SHE WHON SO BIG IT ‘”IS” NOTT EEVEN FUNY!!!!

Acterly i wastnt abel to whatch it “my” moth Antenners thay wher itching Something feerce and i hadd “to” kepe My head stuck in the friezer For “as” long as i culd but annyway HILLERY SHE WON and she din eeven have to Use “all” her Best stuff! Like Free Collidge Tution for Evryboddy in the Uniferse and The Rich thay wil haveto “pay” for it! and Evven beter than “that” “she” wil lissen To us Interllecturals al the time and Doo al “the” things we Advice her to doo!! So if thare is annother de-bait then She “wil” stil have Goood stuff to use. Iff that Darnold Trump he evven Has the “gutts” to show Up affer the beatdown “he” got “last” Nihgjt!!!

And did al yiu Deplorrible peple Knotice “she” diddnt Keel over Not Once The HOLE NIHGHT??? Not Oncet!! Shee “is” in Prefect hellth and jist lyke O”ur” deer Pressdint OBamma he sayes “thare” hasnt nevver been No one whoo More Quillifyed then Hillery for beein Pressdint eccept maybbe Him butt He Is “speccal” becose hes Blackk.

You Can Help Oppressed Zillionaires!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

When lavishly-paid football player Colin Whatsisname made world news by refusing to stand for America’s national anthem–because, you see, this is an oppressive country, a real racist hell-hole–he inspired a great philanthropic endeavor: the Fund for Oppressed Professional Zillionaires (FOPZ).

All over this evil land, millionaire celebrities are feeling oppressed. Even the president feels oppressed, no matter how many opulent taxpayer-financed vacations and getaways he takes.

Well, FOPZ is going to do something about it! We want our rich and pampered athletes, entertainers, and government big shots to feel happy and contented. It’s just not enough for them to be rich and powerful and famous. We want them to be happy, too.

So here’s the deal. The dollars that you contribute to FOPZ will be used to purchase some of those hateful ordinary working people for use as human sacrifices. Yes: those nasty little nobodys who pay Colin Whatsisname’s salary, and pay for the president’s vacations, each month one of them will be sacrificed upon an altar, the ashes to be put in plastic vials and sent to whatever celebrities are feeling oppressed lately.

Whether you’re a multimillion-dollar athlete, rock star, rap artiste, reality show star, or government official, FOPZ is dedicated to easing your feelings of oppression by catering to your sense of entitlement.

Hey! You’ll run out of money before we run out of little people to sacrifice.

Hillary’s Fainting Tour

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

By now most of you have seen this video. But what you haven’t seen or heard are some of the more creative explanations of what’s been happening with this candidate–who, if elected, would be our country’s first president’s wife to have a president’s husband. If that’s not too confusing.

You’ve heard the “touch of pneumonia” put out by the Clinton campaign–a touch of pneumonia that’s apparently been going on for some years now. But here are some of the ones you haven’t heard.

She has been overcome by remorse for her many lies and other crimes. Oh, please. There’s no evidence this woman has a conscience.

Joe Collidge says, “she Is Pregganent so She can ‘Have’ a bortion becose She havent hadd a bortion befour.” This theory has the advantage of having been dreamed up by an intellectual.

Alex Jones slipped her a mickey. Those conspiracy talk show hosts will stop at nothing to do her a bad turn.

Someone just forgot to change her batteries. Some of us have long suspected that Clinton and other big shots aren’t human beings but robots, or maybe cyborgs.  If all they had to do was pop in some fresh batteries, that’d explain how she came to look so chipper just a few hours after the fainting episode.

So there you have ’em. Take your choice.

An Idea Whose Time Has Come: Anti-College

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=OIP.Ma5e3858a375add9d5241d99b7e7fe28bo2&w=300&h=225&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0&r=0

Here, world, is my contribution to human progress.

Look, we have a real problem anymore with our colleges and universities turning young people into useless quaking idiots. Like, how are we supposed to run a country full of thin-skinned little nits who collapse into fetal position the moment they see or hear something they don’t like, and whose idea of being well-informed consists of being able to name 50 different genders?

So it looks like we’ll have to set up anti-colleges and anti-universities to try to undo some of the havoc that’s been wrought with students’ minds, try to straighten out some of what’s been twisted and tangled upstairs, and maybe after four years come up with someone who’s actually employable.

By that time, of course, they’ll be thirty years old or even older–but better late than never. Without anti-college, we’ll just have millions of ninnies on the dole, watching each other’s ponytails grow grey.

If we don’t get conquered first by anyone who thinks that would be worth doing.

Anti-college! Because someone has to clean up the mess.

Lefty Frog Calls ‘Biggit-Biggit’

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

There! Did you hear that? These frogs are definitely saying “Biggit-biggit,” and not “Ribbit-ribbit” as so often described.

We know now that liberals and college students mindlessly imitate a frog’s mating call: Biggit-biggit-biggit. They think the frogs are on their side politically, calling everyone a bigot who doesn’t hop on board the Diversity Express and make his mind right..

It is said there is a species of cricket in southern Laos whose  call sounds eerily like “Racist-racist-racist.” But it’s a much more common pest here than it is there.

Top Secret Trump Campaign Memos Leaked to This Blog!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

The attached video: This is how you do it.

Two top-secret documents from Donald Trump’s presidential campaign have been slid under my door. They both have to do with Trump’s recent speech at a black church in Detroit.

Document 1

To: Candidate Donald Trump

From: Image-R-Us Political Consultants Inc.

Re: Detroit Speech

Dear Mr. Trump–To defeat Hillary Clinton, you have to make a dent in her projected 95% of the African-American vote. We concur with your reasons for giving a speech in Detroit to an African-American audience; but we strongly advise you to imitate those techniques which, in election after election, capture at least 90% of these voters for the Democrats.

In short, we recommend you out-Democrat the Democrats!

It will be easy for you to do this. First, adapt your wardrobe to the circumstances, remembering that these are simple people who must be pandered to. 1) Wear a baseball cap sideways. 2) Get very baggy jeans and where them hanging low so that your jockey shorts show.

It will also be useful to tailor your way of speaking to this audience–as, for example, Hillary Clinton did in her now-famous “Ah’m bah no means taaaared” speech. See the attached video. Again, this will be easy to do. 1) Always remember to say “axe” for “ask.” 2) Listen to audio and cultivate a kind of “preacherly” delivery.

Finally, strongly imply that you relate to these simple people’s Hip Hop culture. Slyly hint about your “stash,” and suggest that if they vote for you, there will be plenty to go around.

When in doubt, always do whatever any Democratic candidate would do. Pander, pander, pander!

We hope we have been of service to you.

Document 2

To: Image-R-Us Political Consultants Inc.

From: Donald J. Trump

Dear Sirs–You’re fired.

Reed My Boock Insted of His!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Now yiu Cant sea My Moth antenners!

I am so sick of that stopid lee and his stopid books! so i amb going to rite a boock my self! I amb going to rite a novvle and yiu shuld reed my boock insted of his!

My novvle it startts “out with” a Gay Marridge and then Mike and Geffry thay Transitoin and Change thare Gender “so” thay now wimmins insted of mans and then “thay” go on a Honey Moon and on thare Honey Moon “thay” Diskover a grate Lost City in the Junggle i think its In Cambodyer but may be i “wil” change that “to” som Place “in” Africka.

and in This Lost City thare lives Noboddy “but” all Socail Justis Wariers only and thay Is “al” Gay and thay “has” a hole lott of diffrint Genders and aslo Evry Boddy thay al “in” Collidge bein Interllecturals and thay Dont no boddy has to Work becose thare “is” Freee Tution thare!!! And The Rich thay has got to “pay” for Evry thing and aslo thay is “not” aloud to make No Proffit ever!!!

And “thay has” Got no God neether becose thay al Too Smart to beleave in God and that “is” Wye this hear Place it is a Parridice! But then some christins thay “come” alongg and thay “trie” to reck it but thay Cant becose them christins thay is jist stopid Biggits and “thay” Dont kno how To doo nothing and al them Trans Gender peple thay jist alyaws Out Smarts the stopid christins and Finely thay puts them Al into Sensativvity Traning and that makes Thare Minds rihgjt so Thay dont “beleave” in God no more neether and so “that” it bringes us to A Hapy ending!!!

And my prefesser He sayes My Boock it is “sure” to be whatya cal a Classtic and oncet its Poblished thay “wil” make it Reckwired Reeding hear at Collidge and than No one thay wil “reed” That stopid lees boocks no more! Ha Ha!

Pinocchio Murdered Jiminy Cricket: the Cover-up

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for images of jiminy cricket

In 1883 Carlo Collodi published The Adventures of Pinocchio, the tell-all book sensation which, in Chapter Four, described Pinocchio’s murder of his well-intentioned mentor, the “Talking-cricket”–better known by the name Disney gave him: Jiminy Cricket.

Eyewitless News has tracked down the real Pinocchio, Mr. Vincenzo Anthony Pinocchio of The Bronx, NY. Did this man, who still occasionally reverts to being a wooden puppet, murder a beloved cultural icon?

As Collodi told it, Pinocchio, unable to tolerate any more of the cricket’s good advice, snatched up a wooden hammer and threw it, striking his victim in the head and killing him, “and then he remained dried up and flattened against the wall.”

“Collodi put that in and Disney took it out, because it wasn’t true,” Mr. Pinocchio told crack investigator Harry Hootch. “I never hurt Jiminy Cricket. He died of old age in 1908.”

The Eyewitless News team went to the village in Italy where Carlo Collodi first heard the story of Pinocchio. And there the official records tell another story.

A cricket, not named, was found dead in the home of Pinocchio and the old wood-carver, Gepetto, in 1879. Police judged the death suspicious, and brought the body to the morgue. There something unexpected happened.

As summarized in the official report, the coroner “then threw a tantrum, he started banging his fist all over, and yelling, ‘I will not do no autopsy on no _______ing insect!’ The body of the victim lay untouched in the morgue for two days and nights, and then disappeared. Asked to explain this disappearance, the coroner would only say, ‘Talk to the _____ing janitor.'”

According to our trusted sources, Walt Disney personally intervened to cover up the murder of Jiminy Cricket by Pinocchio. And for going on 70 years, that cover-up has been successful.

UP NEXT: Hillary Clinton is innocent!

Pinocchio: Fact, Not Fiction!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

The crack investigative team at Stunata News Service has stopped investigating cracks and pulled off the journalistic coup of the millenium.

They have tracked down the real Pinocchio!

“Everybody thinks Pinocchio is a kids’ story, a Disney cartoon,” said cracked reporter Harry Hootch, “but Mr. Pinocchio was–and is!–a real person!”

The famous wooden puppet who was magically turned into a flesh-and-blood boy has, for the past 67 years, been living as Mr. Vincenzo Anthony Pinocchio at Apt. 3-H in a tenement in The Bronx, New York. Mr. Hootch and his Eyewitless News team tracked him down last week for an exclusive interview.

But wouldn’t Pinocchio now be almost 150 years old?

“He doesn’t age like we do,” said Mr. Hootch, who conducted the interview, along with a specialist to translate questions and answers into Esperanto. “It seems that from time to time the magic wears off, and then for a while he’s a wooden puppet again, until the Blue Fairy can turn him back into a human. During those times, of course, he doesn’t age at all.”

The Blue Fairy was not available for comment.

The videotaped interview with the real Pinocchio will be aired next Tuesday in Harry Hootch’s living room.

“Mr. Pinocchio says the thing that causes him to turn back into a puppet is Climate Change,” said the eminent journalist. “That’s what makes his nose grow, too. He used to think his nose got longer every time he told a lie, and that’s what they put in the Disney movie. But now he says it shoots out another inch or two whenever he tries to warn people about Climate Change.”

Up Next: Our crack investigative team investigates Carlo Collodi’s claim that Pinocchio murdered Jiminy Cricket. They will then go back to investigating cracks.

The Four Worst Reasons Not to Vote for Trump

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for images of the magic 8-ball

When all else fails…

One) “I’m waiting for the Righteous Candidate to come along, the one who’s as righteous as me.” Good luck with that, Sunshine.

Two) “His wife once posed nude.” You would rather it was…who?

Three) “He can’t rattle off the names of the leaders of every little dollar-store country in the world.” After Benghazi, do you really, truly want Hillary Clinton handling America’s foreign policy?

Four) “He’s not a real conservative.” Well, if you can find any kind of conservative at all, anywhere in the Democrat Party, you ought to take up dowsing. You’ll be good at it.

Bonus reason: “I didn’t like his TV show.” There is no answer to such a compelling reason as that.