Another Book I’m Not Gonna Read

sapientdream - Pastlives (lyrics) - YouTube

Fap! My toilet backed up again–must be time for some past lives regression therapy!

“How can I live as my aware self?”

The Perky Publicist is morphing into the Pesky Publicist, sending me emails about new books I ought to read. This one, whose title I decline to give, lest anyone buy it and then blame me, is all about New Age self-improvement.

Confound it, the Mets lost again! Must be time to re-adjust those chakras.

Why is it that the more technology we have in our lives, the more superstition we get to go with it? Somebody must be reading this bilge. Yee-hah, I was Uncle Floyd in a past life! What? Uncle Floyd is still alive? Well, how many Uncle Floyds are with us now? Coulda knocked me over with a feather.

Up next–join your local Self-Exhumation Society! You could wind up as a bona fide YouTube celebrity.

‘Has She Got the Wrong Number!’ (2016)

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To answer your question, sunshine–none.

I don’t know which is worse–listening to people babble about their past lives, or a really bad case of athlete’s foot. Anyway, I turned down this golden opportunity to review a book about Past Lives Regression Therapy.

Has She Got the Wrong Number!

Up to our eyeballs in pseudo-religion, is it any wonder that we now have a country governed by idiots, criminals, dotards, perverts, and lunatics?

Nobody ever had a past life as a schlub. It’s always something glamorous, exotic, fascinating.

And how do you get “certified” as a Past Lives Regression therapist? That must be a hoot. Can you get in trouble for being an uncertified Past Lives Regression therapist? And how would anybody ever tell the difference?

Collidge it Is geting Stresstfull!!

Fight between RNT Medical college students | Multiple students injured

hear At Collidge we “are” hasing Seacrit clases becose “we” “are” All saposed to Go Hoam but we doant whant To and aslo our Famblies thay “doant” whant us to ether and Collidge it is saposed To Be shut “down” becose “Of” “the” Vyris!!! Annywhay, sumb of Us “we” are Stilll going “to” Clas butt No One thay are aloud “to” seee us doo it and the Teeching “it” Is nhow totoly Seacrit,, thay woont even Tell “us” watt thare Teeching Us!!! Becose “of” alll this,, Collidge it is geting very Stresstfull!!!!!!

This hear Moarning in Nothing Studdies ((fore Instants]  Two Stoodints thay hadded a Fihght over thare Passed Lyves!!!! The one Gye he sayed he useto Be Cleeo Patra in a passed lyfe and then this “other” Gye he sayed “”No no it Was me,, i whas Cleeo Patra!!! and thay” got Madder and Madder and neckst thing “yiu” know thay was puntching and kikking and byting eech other “And” roling arowned on “the” floar!!!! i thinked the Prefesser she was goingto Stop it but instedd she jumpted Up “on” “the” Dessk and singed sumb Song abote a Dead Man’s Chess and a Botle Of Rum!!!

And jist wen i thawdt thay wer Goingto Stop Fiting becose one Gye he hadded a bluddy Noase and the other Gye “he” hadded a busted Coccyx theez three Moar Stoodints twoo of themb was Gurls thay eeach sayed She whas Cleeo Patra tooo and thay gotted Into “a” fite tooo!!!!

I runned awheigh thenn Becose i didnt “want” Tobe thare wen The reel Cleeo Patra sho’ed UP!!!!

i donot Know how Long “we” can Stand al this hear Stresst,, i am Affrayed that sumb of “us” thay mite Go Crayzy!!!!

‘Has She Got the Wrong Number!’ (2016)

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Short answer: No.

The Perky Publicist is always after me to review books that I wouldn’t read even if I knew I was going to live forever and probably run out of books someday. Like for instance:

https://leeduigon.com/2016/07/19/has-she-got-the-wrong-number/

Question: How did the country which squanders more money on “education” than any civilization in all of history wind up with heaven knows how many people believing in past lives?

Yoo-hoo, churches! Did you not hear the alarm bell go off?

I Has Passed Lifes!!!

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Well! I wented to a lexture last “nihght” and It was al abote Passed Lifes and waht do yiu know,, i has got a hole buntch of Passed Lifes! i was evven Nipolion oncet!! but i had me a evven moar Impotant Passed Life then that!!

I aslo hadded a Passed Life As Hillery Clintin!! O man it dusnt get batter than this!!! No wunder “i” has alyaws feeled sutch “A” Bond whith her!! Like man i “was” rihght thare wen Hillery she was jist a Baby wen she was borned and thay naimed her “after” That Guy who climed MT. Everlast a few yeers layter!!! and I was aslo her wen she gotted maried to Billl Clintin he was Pressadint oncet. i whished i culdof keeped on “being” her but then I got bornded as My Self so i Wasnt Hillery “no more!!””

Now it Makes me wunder iff mayby Hillery she hadded a Passed Life as me!!!!! i bet she did! If only “we” culd get To-gether and talk abuot our Passed Lifes and mayby eat some Nice Jim Sox, sory but i am getting Hungary and somtimes that makes “my” Moth Antenners itch somthing Feerce!! Butt i wil save her a tastee Hankerchiff in case she “Vizzits” our Collidge somday!!!!

P.S. I “think” the wimmin who gived the lexture she mustof been a Angle becose she knowed so mutch “abote” Passed Lifes!!

You and Your Past Lives

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I don’t know why these publicists think I’d be one to review their clients’ books. Do they think I’ll live forever? I mean, I’ve got limited time on this planet, and I can’t waste it reading about “Discovering Your True Nature Across Multiple Lifetimes.”

But Lee! It’s be a certified past life regression therapist! Certified by whom? How do you get certified to do past lives regression when there’s no such thing as past lives? It is given to man once to die, but then after this the judgment (Hebrews 9:27). So sorry, I can’t play past lives with you unless I abandon Jesus Christ.

But there’s evidence! Hey, honest–it’s been on TV! Oh, well, if it’s been on TV–! Actually, it’s rather insulting to be offered that line of argument. It has put me in a bad mood.

But it really, really works! F’r’instance, “a prior personality who was very effective in business may help me with a current management program.” Yeah–and what if all your past lives belonged to fools and reprobates?

And this is mostly from people who turn up their noses at the Bible! Oh, that’s all just made-up stories! But this past lives booshwa, man, that’s real!

Lord, I’m ready to wake up now. Can I please wake up now?

 

Has we Reely got Past Lifes?

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Yeasterdday in Gender Studies 606 the prefesser She toled “us” abote this hear Book its al abuot Past Lifes! And how wee al “used to” be Somone Else! It is OK for us “to” beleave this Becose them stopid christins they Dont beleave “it”!

She sayed This Hear it is “the” Spiritule Apsect of Gender Floidity! If yiu Are a Mail it meens yiu “used to” bee Femail and If yiu are Femail “it” meens yiu used to bee Mail! and That is “why” Evry One shuld ouhght to get This hear Past Lifes Retro-Regresion Tharapy so then yiu Wil know whom Yiu “used to” be and yiu can Go “back” to beeing It!

Wel lett Me tel yiu larning This it shure got My Moth Antenners in a Twist! Becose affter al the hole reeson i got Moth Antenners is thay shoot me up Whith Moth Hormoans to make Me into “a” wimmin! But then i get to Thinkin “may-be I “used to” bee a Moth!!! and Waht wuld hapen If i did Past Life Retro-Regresion and got hippotized, wuld That “turn me” into a Reel Moth whith Wings??? but of coarse i Didnt aks That becose Hear At Collidge yiu Not aloud to aks no Questoins. That is a New Pollisy we got and it reely works! Besydes thay wont “let yiu” have no Play-Doh iff Yiu aks Quesstins!

Us Interllecturals We Not to Take This No More!

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Boy that lee he is sooo stopid i cant even say how stopid he is!! Yestraday he dont beleave in Past Lifes and today he dont beleave in Evilution neither even thuhg thay bothe true!!

He has forgott evrything he knowed wehn he uset to bee in Collidge, and hee never did Make “it” to be a Interllectural, yiu got to stay In collidge “for” that.

Only reel Extreamist Christin Racists thay dont beleave in Past Lifes and Evilution and thay aslo gillty all of them gillty to Climbit Change Denile!!! And yiu kno watt?? Us Interllecturals at the Collidge we jist not going “to” Take it no more!!!!

We wil thinck up a Plan “for” Hillery so wen she be Pressadint She “will be” abel to lock-up al Those extreamists who dont beleave in Past Lifes and Evilution! I meane How stopid can yiu get??? Theese dum peple thay even dont beleave “the” Scintist who figred Out that It rained On the rocks “and” Then the rocks thay comed Alive and that “is” how Evrything started “thare” wasnt no God!!! And evrything is Stil evoluting to This very day even the Rocks! Axcept “for” them dum peple thay isnt gettin no Smarter!

Wel wen Hillery she seees Our plan She wil know watt to doo! and that wil be Finnish for al them Intollerent dum peple!

Has She Got the Wrong Number!

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This morning a publicist invited me to review a book offering “a fresh alternative to traditional therapeutic methods.” Oh, boy. What is this fresh alternative?

Past Lives Regression Therapy, of course. And it’s not just for New Age bozos, says the publicist–like, it’s totally mainstream!

Excuse me a moment. I have to go bang my head against the wall.

The author, says the publicist, is a “certified regression therapist.” Certified? By who? I’m sure I can find individuals who are certified dowsers, too. The difference is, the dowser either finds water or he doesn’t. How do you get certified to browse through your patient’s past lives?

I’m sorry. Every time I hear about past lives, I think of some fat guy with a black beard and a bad complexion woo-wooing about how he once was a lady-in-waiting to Marie Antoinette.

If we really had past lives, the Bible would have told us. Instead, God’s word says, “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: so Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many…” (Hebrews 9:27) Note that it does not say you die whole bunches of times and keep on coming back as Sonja Henie.

Then again, this author has “trained with the world’s foremost experts” on unraveling Joe Blow’s glamorous past lives.

I thought this twaddle had all dissolved away ten years ago or so: that past lives had become old hat, replaced by exciting new inanities like transgenderism and Chrislam. Well, maybe it still attracts some old hippies. That and animal spirit guides. We have a store in our town where they can put you in touch with your animal spirit guide, in case you need stock tips from a hamster.