Category: satire

Unhapy Holladays To yiu!!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for images of electoral college protests

I ame So mad i culd jist abuot Ixplode!!! How come thare Is “this” Electrical Collidge that Gets to desyde Whoo “is” Pressadint??? wehn didd that hapen?? Thare is a prefesser hear he sayes its In “the” Consatutcheon but he Is “a” lyre and so We Stodents we lett the Air out “of his” tiers. anyhow Who cares “waht” some stopid electricans thay think???? We got “a perfickly” goood Collidge rihght hear and It “is ful” of reel Interllecturals not theese dum electricans, how come Our Collidge it dont get “to” desyde?

And nohw Al Of A sodden yiu got al theese dum peple thay Are Biggits sayin Mary Chrismes insted “Of” Hapy Holladays!!! It make My Moth Antenners hurt, thay reely hurt wehn i here That Racist Mary chrismes!! So yiu see Allreddy that Trump he made “the” countrie More Racist than It allreddy was! Dont Thay Know Its Aginst The Law To Saye Mary Crismas???

My prefesser He axplaned to me That “Putin he done al this!!!!” And That is “why thay Calll him Putin becose he is alyaws Putin things In that shuldnt be Put In my” prefesser he sayes. Putin and Trump thay Are making! peple say mary Chrismisss insted of Hapy Holladays!

wel Wee has got to doo somthing abuot geting Rid of Chrissmis befour it Messes Up Kwanzaa witch is a reel good truue Holladay and we Has “got to” get Rid of that Electrical Collidge, why dint thay pick Harvord or UCLAX or some reel collidge wear thay has Interllecturals and not jist a buntch of dum Guys who can fix yore Lamp if its is busted???

Putin Stole My Facebook!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.Mb6d2c12aeaec6168a43e1c4471bb274ao1&w=175&h=110&c=8&rs=1&qlt=90&dpr=1.25&pid=3.1&rm=2

Zero Facebook referrals–count ’em!–over the past three days: how come?

Well, I’ve figured it out. Putin stole them.

I don’t know how he found the time to get at my blog, what with rigging a U.S. presidential election, rigging the Brexit vote against the globalists, and trying to rig Germany’s upcoming election so as to defeat Angela Merkel and her wildly popular immigration policy: but hey, like Rudi Vallee said in Unfaithfully Yours, if you want something done, get the busy man to do it. And you can’t go wrong, listening to Rudi Vallee.

See, I don’t want to be on the wrong side of history, so I have joined the movement to blame every shortcoming on the Russian boss. We all know, now, that Hillary Clinton would’ve had the White House in her pants suit pocket if Putin hadn’t fixed it otherwise. I have it on good authority that he also sabotaged the Edsel, the Byzantine Empire, and The Tim Conway Show. So it would’ve been a very small undertaking for him to zap my Facebook referrals.

I just don’t know what to do about it.

Mr. Nature: Snow Wraiths

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Hi, Mr. Nature here!

My neighbor’s son is home from college on Winter Solstice/Kwanzaaa Break; and because it has snowed this morning, the poor guy is hiding down the cellar, behind the oil burner.

“He doesn’t want the snow wraiths to get him,” the father explained. “What the heck are snow wraiths, anyway? You’re Mr. Nature, you tell me.”

Well, I’ll try.

See that picture up there, with the spooky faces in it? Those are snow wraiths–evil spirits that come out when it snows. Sometimes they take human form, sometimes they don’t: but always they are on the lookout for someone’s essential life force to consume. They suck it right out like an Electrolux.

“He’s afraid the snow wraiths are gonna get him because he’s not inclusive or diverse enough,” my neighbor says.

It would not comfort him if I told him that, according to tradition, snow wraiths are especially attracted to out-and-out idiocy. But then I don’t believe in snow wraiths, and I don’t know anyone else who believes in them, either–except for a few individuals who learned about snow wraiths in college and haven’t outgrown it yet.

As for the spooky faces in the sky–well, I’ve never seen ’em. Have you?

I explane How cats They Got to be Cats

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

I has been chalenged “by a” Reeder he thinks Cats are like Some Axternel “Force” programbed them to cach bugs “and” Other Pests. Wel budy i sure can straiten Yiu out on that!!!

Dont yiu know Cats got to Be Cats becose of Evilution? evryboddy knows That ascept For stopid christins who hasnt Got no Collidge Edication! if yiu was In Collidge like us Interllecturals yiu wuld kno Evilution it “is” evrything!!!

OK let me explane it To yiu. Frist thare was Rocks and wehn It rainded on the Rocks they come Alive!! and first they was onely Germs and Werms and stuff, and Evilution it turned Them into bugs and Fish and then Evilution turned them Into Dinosores!!! Iff yiu looks at That thare piture up Above yiu wil see the Cat-o-Sorus witch is The ansesster of Cats and thay Has foned the Fostils in lotts of Diffrint Plases.

So yiu seee thare istnt no Axternle Force to Make cats “be” Cats becose thare isnt no god and It “is al” done By Evilution!!! thare sure istnt No god to programb “them” into bein Predditers and cachin Bugs is is al jist Evilution. It is easy to “Rembember”>>rocks-germs-werms-bugs-dinosores-aminals-cave men-Interllucturals and Climbit Sceintits.

PS.-That Photrograph of the Cat-O-Sorus it is 100 Persent Real i seen It on the Intranet!!!!

We has got To Biuld a Sankturairy

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for rickety building

Lets face it things is goin to be Bad untill we Can “get” Hillery to bee ore Pressadint and “untill that” hapens we is going to Need “a” sankturairy like Al them Sankturairy Citties whare Donold Trump he cant De-port nobody. My prefesser “he” says This here Collidge it got to bee our Sankturairy but i sayed No i got a Idea that is Even Better!!

Thare is a iland in the Carob Bean Sea it is caled Madrigasscar and whe Can biuld a sankturairy thare! Madrigasscar it was Dis-covvered by Colombas in 1942 and then It was part of the countree of Hungry for a wile but now Noboddy lives Thare becose it has Got too Crowded!! It is a Big iland i think its abuot 250 Sqware Foot and Whe can go and Live “thare” untill Hillery she “is” Pressadint and then Us Interllecturals we can al “come back” and Take Over!!! Aslo thare Is a grate Big House thare, yiu can See a piture of It up abbove and that wuld Be “ideel” for Smart peple to live in it!

Well My prefesser he sayed Yiu “are a idiat, dont yiu know no jeogriffy, Madriigasscar it is not in the Carob Bean it is In the Medritaranian See and ” thare are Zombees on it!! but i am Pretty Sure he “is” Wrong abuot that becose i Seen the piture! Wel even a Presser he cant Be rihght Al The Time!!

So i has been sining Up other Interllecturals hear at Collidge to go live in Madrigasscar untill Michale More he can get Rid of Donold Trumpt and then Hillery she “wil” be Pressadint and we Can putt al the Racists and Biggits in Jale! I also heared that Our Grate Pressadint Obamma he “was” born in Madrigasscar once after he was born in Americka and he Wil come and vissit Us and aslo Make the Sea Levvels to go down! and i Dont think we whill Has to stay in the Sankturairy very Long “befour” that Trump he Is all gone!!!

See yiu in Madrigasscar!!!

Fooy On trump Tower!!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Us Interllecturals hear at  Collidge we Are sick “and” tired of heering All “this” junk abuot Donold trump “and” his No-good stopid Trumpt Tower! Like man look At it, did yiu Ever see a biggger dump???Image result for trump tower

Wel we has “done” Somthing abuot it!!! Rihght hear on Campas we done somthing! Yes, we Has builded ore own Obamma Tower! Al yiu got to “do” Is Look at it and yiu wil seee it is So beottifull and So mutch Better “then” any stopid Trump thing, and hear It Is!! Image result for images of rickety wooden tower

Thare, it Is onederfull and it Is al Natrul tooo! Jist gose to showe yiu “waht Us Interllecturals” hear at Collidge can Do wehn wee Put our Minds to it!!!!

And the Deen Of the Collidge he made “a” specail Deadication Speeech al abuot How this hear Obamma Tower wil stand Four Ever to showe evryboddy and Re-mind Them of the Grateness of Pressidint Obamma and May be later Wehn Wee “find” some more Sticks wee wil aslo Bild a Pressidint Hillery Clinton Tower too rihght Neckts to it becose Hillery She acturally Won The elecktion and evryboddy thay knows She Won The Poplar Vote too!!! And i Hope Trump he sees This and then he “has” a Fit!!!

How to tel If Yore A Interllectural

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

I jist come From “a” specale Sembinar the Lexture it Was “abuot” waht makes yiu a Interllectural and i wil tel Yiu abuot it. Of corse to reely be a Interllectural yiu shuld ouhght to Be in Collidge and a lot of Peple who been to Collidge “thay” has Forgot how to bee Interllecturals! Annyhow, Yiu know yiu are A Interllectural iff Yiu beleave:

Worrld govvermint is dezirable, feesable, neseccary, and Inevatable.

The USA fedrel govvermint shuld aughht to be Bigger and More Powarfull.

Yiu are much Smarter then Ordrinary Dum Peple and thay shold ouhght to Look Up to yiu and doo Waht yiu say becose Yiu so smart and Thay dont know nothing!!!

Relgion is no-good And stopid and christinty it is The worst!!

Gay Peple are Better than strait peple and strait peple thay “are” alll biggits!

It is Alyaws Good for a wimmim To has a bortion!

Any boddy Who dont beleave “in” Globbal Warming thay shuld bee throne in Jale!!!

Black Lifes Matter and wite Lifes thay dont Matter at all unless thay Interllecturals at collidge or Else Dembocratt pollaticians thay protectt Us “from” hatful haters and Racists and biggits and Homo Fobes and Trans Fobes and captolists.

Wel thare Was “a lot” More, i has jist onely gived yiu The high lites if yiu Whant to know al thare Is To know abuot It yiu shuld auhght to by His book i ferget waht The boook it is caled but its by Prefesser Smith or some name like that, yiu Can Fined it Easy i think thay was seling it On TV on PMS or one of Thoose Statoins.

The Next Democrat Presidential Candidate: Norman Bates

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Hi! I’m Norman Bates. You probably remember me from Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho–you know, dressing up as my mother and going around stabbing people.

Well, I’ve got that out of my system, what with being in the booby hatch since 1960. I’m out now, I’m all better now, and I’m here to tell you that I will be the Democrat Party’s candidate for president in 2020.

America needs a new kind of criminal for a new kind of presidency. I did have to promise the doctors that I wouldn’t dress up as Mom anymore, but once I’m elected and inaugurated, I can pretty much do as I please. Remember that old Clinton slogan, “You get two for the price of one?” Well, Mom and I are going to take that to a whole new level! I think I’ll trot her out for our first State of the Union Speech.

America needs a president who’s not afraid to dress up in women’s clothing and take a knife to his political opponents. It’s probably the only way we can get our Climate Change legislation through the Congress. And they sure will think twice about not confirming my judicial appointments, once Mom’s done with two or three of them!

Like the folks from the DNC told me when they went to pick me up at the hospital, the Democrat Party needs a new look, a new direction, and new blood–and I’m it!

I especially like that “new blood” part. I like that very much!

Trump Says He’ll Step Down!

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Image result for donald trump

Now that he sees how upset liberals are over his election, President-elect Donald Trump says he’ll step down in favor of Hillary Clinton, according to shockingly unreliable sources.

“They’re asking so nicely, he just can’t say no,” says one of our sources. “Really, he had no idea just how honored and beloved the Clinton crime family is among the smartest people in the world.”

In addition to being the caporegime of the nation’s best-loved crime syndicate, “Hillary is also the former president’s wife, and if he’d thought about that just a little harder, Mr. Trump would have stepped down as soon as he won the Republican nomination,” said a sadly inebriated source. “I mean, how could you be so mean as to deny the president’s wife her own chance to run the country?”

“He just can’t disappoint all those actors, celebrities, college professors and students, Black Lives Matter, and globalists,” said another source, currently living in a padded cell. “And he had no idea how passionately the American people–not counting all those deplorables who perversely voted for him, what were they thinking?–want open borders, higher taxes, world government, and anyone who doubts Climate Change to be investigated by the Attorney General. So he’ll step down and give them what they want.”

“And if that’s not enough,” added an even more unreliable source, “Mr. Trump is prepared to convert to Islam–just to please us!”

Now You Can Get a Degree in Nothing

Posted By: leeduigon(patty)Posted On:

Okay, back to the post-real world…

This just in from Crayola University: Starting this semester, students can earn a bachelor’s degree in Nothing. Yup, that’s right: Nothing. Students in the Nothing degree program will read nothing, study nothing, learn nothing, and know nothing. Mostly they will play with Play-Doh.

“We had to do it,” said University President I. B. Pillock. “Too many of our students are unable to cope with more traditional degree programs like Women’s Studies, Queer Studies, Chicano Studies, Queer Chicano Studies, and Superhero Studies, etc. At the same time, they are unable to live outside a university environment.

“But we can keep them here for as long as they keep paying their tuition, fees, housing, and everything else. We have hired several new professors who specialize in teaching Nothing, and if it all works out, we will offer post-graduate courses in Nothing. Maybe even a Ph. D. program!”