Tag: satire

Byron’s TV Listings, Dec. 31

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV November 21st through 27th, 1981

G’day! And next time I see you, it’ll be next year!

Byron the Quokka here, with Quokka University’s snatched-from-obscurity TV shows… Just the thing for while you’re waiting for the ball to drop. Here’s the merest sample!

8 P.M.  Ch. 09  DAG NABBIT!–Drama, comedy, whatever

Dag Nabbit (Ken Singleton) is a 14th-century Swedish diplomat brought back to life and made mayor of Nutworks, Mississippi. This week: Dag has a revolting zoning board on his hands. Maggie: Theda Bara. Hyena Man: Telly Savalas,

Ch. 12  JIMMY FRAUD’S NEW YEAR’S SPECIAL–Variety

Live from the Schmeer Street Industrial Park in Nogottum, NJ! See the June Taylor Dancers dance to the beat of heavy metal, provided by Mrs. Sphagnum’s fourth-grade class! See Jimmy balance a glass of some unmentionable substance on his forehead! See if anyone else shows up.

8:07 P.M.  Ch. 16  NEWS WITH FRANKENSTEIN–News with monsters

Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolf Man anchor this news desk, along with Warner Wolf for Sports and Fannie Fox for Weather. Tonight: Reporter Todd Tadpole tracks Britain’s mysterious Goat Man… and Goat Man tracks him. A-Woooooo! That’s scary!

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 26  MOVIE–Historical Melodrama

Jimmy Durante stars as Haakon the Bold in Four Kings of Norway That Even Norwegians Never Heard Of (Swedish-Cambodian, 2017). Haakon is best known for nothing at all! Queen Hortense: Dinah Shore. King Orville of Some Frozen Place in Russia: Billy Martin. Featured Song: “Froze My Coccyx Off!” (Bill Bongle and the Balladeers)

9 P.M.   Ch. 03  PLACES THAT ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING–Travelogue

Critics said it was “intolerably boring,” but stay with it! Host Judy Fooseball takes you from Nick’s Bowling Alley in Los Borrachos, California, to the municipal landfill outside Dogbreath Township, Maryland–and is never more than a sigh or a gulp away from an emotional scene to turn the whole business into a monstrous travesty. Directed by the guy who wrote the forward to my Chinese 101 primer in college.

How’s that for ending the year with a bang? Here on Rottnest Island we like to inflate paper bags and then pop them–that’s how we do New Year’s. It does beat getting stepped on in Times Square.

2,534 Quokka Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Happy New Year from Byron and all the other quokkas!

 

Revolutionary People’s Socialism Really Works!

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A Few Words for the Firing Squad | The Nation

Under President-for-Life Oscar Bugito Calabasa, the Democratic People’s Republic of El Pulco has embarked on a new program of “revolutionary social justice.”

RSJ is very simple! Every day, the regime randomly puts someone to death by firing squad. At the same time, another citizen, also chosen at random, is lavishly rewarded. Reasons for both the punishment and the reward are provided days later… or not at all.

“It keeps the little campesinos on their toes, no?” quipped the Supreme Leader. “I am also thinking of starting a contest called Guess the Reason. Everyone will be required to play! And if you can guess the reason why we executed someone on that day–hey! We promise not to kill you tomorrow!”

Meanwhile, the lavish rewards of the day feature such items as a loaf of bread no more than two weeks old, a pair of shoes with recently patched soles, a book of El Presidente’s Meditations on Life in Places Like Boston That I Never Been To, a plastic harmonica, or even a pair of wax lips. Wack-O-Wax Wax Lips 24-Count Box, Cherry Flavor

“Here in El Pulco,” said The Glorious Commander, “we take social justice very seriously! Two principles have guided me: One, Everyone is guilty of something! And two, You can’t overthrow a government that gives you free stuff! And as you can see, they really work!”

The Chicago teachers’ union recently honored Calabasa as its Role Model of the Year. “We’ve always told you socialism really, truly works! And all it takes is half a chance… and some firing squads!”

Global Contest: ‘Name The Virus’

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A Biden Moment - The New York Times

If they can’t call it monkey pox, how about “Biden Pox”?

They may not be able to cure it, they may not be able to stop its spread; but boy howdy, they’re scrambling all over to find a new name for monkey pox (https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-11462647/Biden-asks-rename-monkeypox-MPOX-original-racist.html).

The current name for the virus, frantic liberals say, is “steeped in racism” and “discriminatory and stigmatizing” to… to “ethnic people.” (Honk if you know any people who are not ethnic.) They want to “avoid causing offense” to anyone, anywhere.

This is a golden opportunity to bring the world together in a “Name the Virus” contest!

Anyone can enter–and you can do it here, while we’re waiting for the World Health Organization to set up a website and decide on what kind of prize to offer. (How about a bicycle?) All you have to do is invent a catchy name that won’t offend anyone on the planet.

No f-bombs, please. I’ll have to delete those.

Mrs. Bates for U.S. Senate!

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Psycho | "Mrs. Bates ?" ('Mrs. Bates' and diorama by RK / 'W… | Flickr

Mrs. Athalia Bates, best known as Norman Bates’ mother in Psycho, is running for re-election to the Senate. The long-time Democrat has been a fixture in the Senate since 1960, when a local funeral home mysteriously “lost” her.

“The fact that she is dead is something that only a bigoted Republican steeped in liveism would ever hold against her,” said Mark Kardz, Democrat Party strategist. “She never committed those murders! Her son did–and he’s better now.

“Everybody knows that dead people are a major component of our party’s voting base–and who better than Mrs. Bates to represent them? And you didn’t hear it from me, but Athaliah Bates taught V.P. Kamala Harris everything she knows! And not only that: President Biden plays pinochle with her every other night. And she always wins!”

The secret of Mrs. Bates’ success, he said, “Is that she fits right in! She’s sort of our party personified. Everything you would ever expect from a Democrat, you get from Mrs. Bates.”

It has not yet been decided which state Mrs. Bates will represent. It’s usually California, “But New York is making a serious pitch for her this year,” said Kardz.

Hillary: GOP Stole 2024 Election!

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Hillary Toilet Paper - Etsy

Smartest woman in the world. Just ask Dracula.

Hillary Clinton has demanded a Congressional investigation of the 2024 presidential election.

“The Republicans have stolen it!” she asserted. “They stole it from me in 2016, when it was My turn! And they stole it again in 2024!

“Well, I’m gonna have my turn! The only remedy is to overturn the 2024 election now, I mean right now, declare this year to be 2024, and install me in the White House as president. Nobody cares what year it really is, anyway! And isn’t there, like, some prophecy of me being declared president because it’s My turn? I’m sure there is!”

(The only one I can think of is This is the POTUS/ who fatally smote us. But I thought that was Biden.)

Asked, “What about the rest of President Biden’s term?”, Mrs. Clinton replied, “He can come back in after I’ve had My turn. We’ll just change the years around some more.”

‘Science to Announce Discovery of Life on Mercury’ (2016)

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Pin on Wee Houses

A neighborhood on Mercury

Before there were modern computers, there were slide rules; and the guys with the slide rules put men on the moon and brought them home.

Today is not slide rules that power the space program. It’s headlines.

Science to announce discovery of life on Mercury!

It’s only a satire, of course. Government Science would never make a claim that wasn’t true. That would be lying, and scientists and politicians never lie.

The End of the U.S.S. Constitution

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USS Constitution - Museum Review | Condé Nast Traveler

The secretary of the U.S. Navy’s Office of Racial Justice, Capt. Horace Poohbah, has announced plans to decommission and scrap “Old Ironsides,” the U.S.S. Constitution, the oldest commissioned ship in the Navy.

“Like the Constitution itself,” said Poohbah, “this here ship is just a relic of a time when slavery was practiced in America and we don’t want to remember those times, do we? This ship is good for nothing, it can’t fight modern naval vessals, it don’t even have a engine–all it does is glamorize America’s disgusting history. It’s high time it went to the scrap heap!”

Poohbah said he was not “fully in on” plans to repeal and scrap the Constitution itself, replacing it with a “more modern” design for government, courtesy of China. “Next time I play slapjack with Old Joe, I’ll ask him about it. Heck, we been tryin’ to ditch that Constitution for years! But first the ship–we can do that–and then the document.”

The Constitution’s berth in Boston harbor will be taken by the U.S.S. Drag Queen, a destroyer. “It’ll destroy a lot of things,” predicted Poohbah.

 

Quick! Call the Anxiety Squad!

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Speeding Cartoon Police Car Stock Vector - Illustration of pursuit, follow: 136636108

The other day British police arrested a man for “causing anxiety” to some silly phart on Facebook. Inspired by this nooze item, the town of Botox Corners, IL, home of Fimbo Unoversity, has created an Emergency Anxiety Squad within the local police department (see falsefacts.com).

The Anxiety Squad will provide rapid response to calls made by college students because someone made them experience “anxiety.” The term has been left undefined on purpose, according to Mayor Debi Bushwhack.

“We want to sweep with as broad a net as possible,” she explained. “Because no one, nobody, should ever, ever, ever experience anxiety! Never! In fact, just asking me to define it causes me anxiety! You’re lucky I don’t have you arrested!”

Offenders arrested on the college campus will be tried in municipal court, and, when found guilty (“They’re always guilty!” quipped Township Manager Jim Turgor), first offenders will report to Extreme Sensitivity Training and repeat offenders… to the Pit and the Pendulum. “Then they’ll be sorry,” chortled Mr. Turgor, “but it’ll be too damn late!”

Pope Apologizes for Converting Pagans to Christianity

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Featured Image

Oh, come on now! It’s just a little smudging ceremony, “smoke and prayers” to Mother Earth. Besides, Pachamama said he could do it.

And there is no truth at all to reports that Pope Francis I “accidentally” apologized for the missionary work that converted many native Americans to Christianity.

“Look, he was into the smudging ceremony and he got a little carried away, okay?” said a person who was not there and really shouldn’t be used as a source. “It’s–well, kind of intoxicating to go around apologizin’ for things done by other people a long time ago. Once you start, it’s hard to stop!”

According to our unreliable sources, the Pope burst into tears when he described the “depredations of the missionaries” and denounced them for “intersectional socio-penultimacy” against “nice harmless folk religions.” “You don’t have to go to church anymore!” he may have added.

[Editor’s Note: This is, of course, a satire. It contains only two facts. 1) The Pope did allow an image of “indigenous goddess” Pachamama to be brought into the Vatican and set up on an altar. 2) He has taken part in a “smudging ceremony” with Native Americans in Canada. And perhaps we should add 3) He does “apologize” for things that other people did. But all leftids enjoy doing that.]

Diversity Czar: ‘Move D-Day to July’

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D-Day invasion rare photos reveal the chronology of events - CNN Style

Seventy-eight years ago today, Allied soldiers stormed the beaches of Normandy in D-Day–beginning the liberation of Western Europe from the Third Reich. At high cost.

Today Diversity Czar Gottno Braynze has called for moving D-Day to July or August. “Because really,” he said, “June is Pride Month and that takes precedence over everything! Come on now–surely those men fought that war to make the world safe for Drag Queen Story Hour!”

The Regime may need to move D-Day back a little farther than that, Braynze said, “because American democracy, well, requires that Gays and Transgenders each get their own month. And it requires widespread celebration, no opting-out allowed!”

To ensure true diversity, he added, “anyone who mentions D-Day today will be packed off to prison.”